What the hell is wrong with me?

[Feellikehell]

NC for this as I have family and friends on here and I’m embarrassed by how terrible I feel.

I was single for five years until April, when I met someone on an online dating site. Bear in mind that it’s five years since I had a relationship, a decent date or a real connection with someone.

We clicked straight away and I thought we were doing pretty well. He told me I made him happy – and he certainly made me happy. We saw each other a couple of times a week, and we hadn’t talked about the future or anything, but for the first time in YEARS I felt wanted and I was having fun.

And to be clear – he’s the one who said at the beginning he wanted a relationship.

He stayed at mine last night and when I got up this morning to go to work, he was completely normal – gave me a kiss, told me he’d see me later in the week He even tried to initiate sex, but I was running late for work.

At lunchtime I got an email from him telling me he’s not been happy for ‘a week’ and that he doesn’t want to see me again. He said he’s ‘leaving before it turns toxic’. I don’t even know what that means.

I’m absolutely floored. I think it’s partly shock – it came so out of the blue – but also, I opened up to someone for the first time in years and this happened. I just feel – I don’t know, confused, hurt, scared. How could I get someone so wrong? What’s wrong with me that everyone I meet dumps me?? What’s wrong with me that I feel so completely crushed after only four months?? And why would he try to initiate sex with someone he was planning to dump?

It’s been so long since I felt like this that I just don’t know how to cope. I’ve been at work all day trying not to cry. I tried to eat lunch and threw up, and I’m actually frightened at the idea of going home and being alone tonight.

We had plans this weekend and now I’ve got to get through the two days by myself. I don’t have many friends and the ones I do have all have kids and partners so I rarely see them. I think this guy made me realise how very lonely I’ve been for a long time, and how unhappy I’ve been. I’ve tried meeting people through the gym, classes, meetup etc and basically it doesn’t work. I thought I was managing ok on my own, but it looks like I was fooling myself – I certainly don’t feel ok now.

I know this sounds absolutely pathetic - I'm totally aware we've hardly been together any length of time. And if I read this post by someone else, I’d think ‘anxiety issues – counsellor – he’s had a lucky escape’. I’m on meds for anxiety, I’m seeing a CBT counsellor and I truly thought we were both happy. Why do I feel so desperate after just four months?? How do I get through this?

As someone that has been in your position, there may often come a time when you are most invested than they are. And they will say any bullshit reason to make out why the fault is with you.

It's hard. And this sounds so cliche but you need to be happy and secure within yourself.

I adopted a "I'm me and if you don't like that, then it doesn't matter to me what you say". It did work.

For just now though, you've done the right thing. Block and delete. And use some wonderful self care.

He's been unhappy a week?!...yeah right.
There's every chance that there is more to this than he is letting on and leaving you to sit and wonder WTH you have done wrong, when really it's him whose being a pig.
He's probably a serial user on dating sites...there's loads of them stringing people along for a few months then they cut and run.
They like the thrill of the chase and a bit of new romance and then for no apparent reason drop people like a ton of bricks.
You deserve better and you will find better. Don't let this guy get to you and destroy your faith in people.

Honestly, OP, you really do sound like a great person. Very likeable, fun, bright.

If it helps OP, I got dumped by exdp by a note through the door when he knew I'd be out. Complete bolt from the blue and that was after four years together. Literally said it was over, he wasnt happy, and please, dont contact him again. I was floored. We had been cuddling the same morning. It doesn't matter if you've known them three months or for years, some times there are no flags or warnings, you just get dropped on your arse by life,by circumstance and by people. His path and yours aren't the same, thats all. I'm happily married now, he did the right thing, in hindsight.

Hadron - fantastic post!

He sent you an email. Ffs what is wrong with people!!! Can't offer much advice except I know it hurts, I was with someone I liked a lot and it ended really suddenly, it's hard to get your head around. Get back on old and get some dates fixed up. Distractions really do work.

He really has done you a favour by being so blatant. Lots of guys would have double and triple dated, he's not even bothered to hide the fact he's a dick.

You said you had two weekend days to fill. I know that feeling and it's horrible. Try to plan your weekend out. Plan to cook something completely new (and complicated); maybe find if there's a class on at the gym you could do; research winter bloomers and plant up a few pretty pots or window boxes. See if there's a car boot or antique sale on anywhere, even if you don't buy its interesting wandering around looking at things.

If none of that appeals? or you're low on funds then you can't beat getting stuck into deep cleaning for mending heartache 🙂 The kind you never bother with - under the bed, cleaning out the wardrobe, washing down blinds and lampshades etc. Oh and it's a cliche but a good girly film like steel magnolias or Stepmom or legally blonde.

I've been there...

I've cleared all his stuff out of the flat and into a bin bag. Had a massive cry. Still crying but not tempted to contact him. Must be a good sign. I just want this bit to be over. It hurts so much

Of course it will hurt, and you can't make that awful feeling go away any faster. What I will say is that giving into the temptation to contact him will prolong the hurt.

Sorry - just seen that you're not tempted to contact him! That is a fantastic start. Aim to keep it that way and you will heal all the quicker.

Do not contact him again ever.
He won't reply because he is a nasty weak piece of shit and a coward. You will feel even worse, and regret it. It just prolongs the healing process.
Keep his stuff for yourself it it's any good, or dump it. Do not use this as an excuse to contact him

OP this is normal. All of it. Your are gutted because you met someone you really liked and he's dumped you brutally with no signal just around the time when you're starting to think it's firming up to something stable.

Its happened to me around that point too and it was brutal, the worst break up ever. I'd fallen in love.

But what you describe, being single for a long time, then this. That's normal too. I Was single all of my adult live from teenagehood until early 30s, apart from two short relationships of a few months. One I dumped him, the other was the heartbreak described above.

It's normal op, but catastrophising about it all being your fault, less so (though it's also part of the break up process).

This guy is a run of the mill shit. They usually come over charming and fanciable, sadly.

Carry on with your conselling and cbt. Read the website Excess Baggage. Take some time to heal, THEN learn from this.

You'll be ok, op. We've all been there. Unmumsnetty hug.

There's something going on with him - as others have mentioned, possibly still dating and met someone else .. or I wonder has something happened in terms of getting back together with one of his 2 exes whom he's still in contact with.
There are answers that you're simply not party to.

The 'unhappy' for a week sounds like bullshit - how many people, if unhappy/doubtful for a week, would end a relationship? V few I'd imagine. If no-one else was involved and there was nothing else going on; they'd at least give it longer to see if the feeling persisted or how it panned out.

He could've angled for sex because he was undecided about finishing at that point and later made the decision (though he ob.v still knew it was a possibility, which makes him a scumbag). Alternatively it was just the purely sexual opportunism that typifies some men "may as well", "one for old time's sake", "won't be doing it again so one to remember her/me by" .. it's alien to most of us women but some men def. think that way - there's no reason on earth not to pursue a shag.

Stop beating yourself up abt 4 months - it's long enough to catch feelings and begin to invest, I'm sure many (inc. myself) have caught them in a shorter time.

Keep at the social stuff, getting out of the house, meeting people (volunteering?) ; just to keep yourself busy and have company, rather than worrying too much about meeting friends or a partner. You prob. need to take it easy on yourself for a while.

Many of us have been through the same and have gone on to meet good partners later, and there's no reason that won;t happen for you - but in the meantime, enjoying your life and building up your self esteem are the most important thing.

Something's going on with this guy that isn't your fault and that you couldn't control.

Another vote for not contacting him for explanation/closure - he's told you everything you need to know about him.

What a knobhead. Count your blessings you were running late and he didn't get his goodbye romp!
You sound great-articulate, switched on and self aware. You've done clubs etc which takes balls-a lot of people I know wouldn't dare do that!
Look after yourself and you'll be grand. He's lost out, not you

I know a guy like this. I want to warn every woman he comes in contact with - but as I'm not with him 24/7 I can't. I can see how plausible he is. But he's a shit.

It's not you

Hi OP, how are you feeling today? Also going through a break up and feel absolutely rubbish! You are not alone. It looks like you are dealing with this fantastically and doing all the right things. Hope you feel a bit better today

What a horrible thing for him to do. Really, that was vile. I'm not surprised you're floored.

OP this has happened to me, and I've also done it to other people. Love is fickle. The best thing is continue to work on your resilience, general happiness etc through CBT etc. And keep trying. You'll meet someone eventually, the trick is to keep on at it. Remember your baggage is only one half of the story, they will be carrying around their own issues and insecurities. Try to spot a man who is content in themselves, make sure you're not seeking out the same type of people each time.

You sound like a really nice person. Don't be hard on yourself, life is just a bit crap sometimes!

to add, if you let him destroy your confidence and sense of self worth then you are letting him influence your life.
and the arsehole is not worth it.

Get angry and get busy, you are clearly a lovely person and as someone else has said, now you know that you like being in a relationship and you can be in a relationship.
Just this one wasn't meant to be.

Glad you've thrown his stuff away OP and not contacted him. That's bloody hard and it shows how strong you are. I'm really impressed! I actually feel sorry for the tosser, by all intents and purposes he's thrown away the chance to be with a wonderful woman and I don't doubt he'll regret it a few months from now. He's probably perplexed and wondering why you haven't rung him and aren't massively inflating his ego by sobbing down the line asking 'whhhyyyyy?' and begging for answers or a meetup. Be stoic and stick to your guns and resist temptation to contact him. Of course this period feels like shit, but it will get better. You're doing brilliantly.

Thank you all again - you're very sweet to ask how I am and to be so reassuring. Thanks especially to everyone else who's going through this who took the time to let me know i'm not alone.

I'm ok - exhausted, which I guess is normal. Feel very wrung out - although I did sleep last night, which amazed me. My lovely cat allowed me to sob all over her in bed, then cuddled me this morning.

It helped to wake up and not see any of his stuff in the flat this morning. He left some clothes behind, and his toothbrush - they all went in the bin.

Work is helping. I've made plans for the weekend - am going to dust off my gym pass, start my Xmas shopping (I know, but it makes me happy - means I can justify spending money!) and go and sit in a cafe and read a book. One of my 'issues' is that I really hate my body - that one I can try and do something about at least.

I've also signed up for some voluntary work starting in October, which I think will help. I'd rather focus on other people than dwell on me / Mr Shit.

And I'm going to start following the 30-day no contact thread - not so much that I want to contact him, as it helps to see that others are going through this.

A couple of things that a PP said earlier really helped me, and I'm going to try and remember them:

"The 'unhappy' for a week sounds like bullshit - how many people, if unhappy/doubtful for a week, would end a relationship? V few I'd imagine. If no-one else was involved and there was nothing else going on; they'd at least give it longer to see if the feeling persisted or how it panned out."

And: "Something's going on with this guy that isn't your fault and that you couldn't control."

It's hard, isn't it - to just step back and admit there's nothing you can do about something painful? It's human instinct to want to fix things - and in the past I've worked and worked at flogging dead horses. I'm so proud I haven't been in touch - and you've all really helped with that.

Unmumsnetty hugs and a massive slab of cake to each of you

I think some people (me and you!) flog dead horses. We don't want to fail
But it just prolongs it. 30 days is a great thread to join, so many people on it understand! I've been rubbish at it.
But just remember, you cannot make someone want to be with you, it'll just make you unhappy in the long run. Game playing makes no one happy.
You will find someone! You're capable of it.
And people love bodies of all shapes and sizes, but I agree doing some excersize makes you feel better
You find you cannot dwell when you're exercising!!
Good luck op you will have a great future with someone if that's what you want

Din't minimise how you feel. You had a relationship: 4 months, 4 years, 40 years. It mattered to you and that is all that is important. Someone you invested time in, shared your feelings and thoughts with has already undermined you and made you doubt yourself, don't give him the power of making YOU doubt yourself.

WOW op. Do you know how strong you sound? This is very raw and new yet you are already dusting yourself off and being positive. Hes a massive twat and a complete wimp sending you a bloody email. Fucking creep. Respect to you for acting the way you have. Hope you feel proud of yourself- you should. Xx