What the hell is wrong with me?

[Feellikehell]

NC for this as I have family and friends on here and I’m embarrassed by how terrible I feel.

I was single for five years until April, when I met someone on an online dating site. Bear in mind that it’s five years since I had a relationship, a decent date or a real connection with someone.

We clicked straight away and I thought we were doing pretty well. He told me I made him happy – and he certainly made me happy. We saw each other a couple of times a week, and we hadn’t talked about the future or anything, but for the first time in YEARS I felt wanted and I was having fun.

And to be clear – he’s the one who said at the beginning he wanted a relationship.

He stayed at mine last night and when I got up this morning to go to work, he was completely normal – gave me a kiss, told me he’d see me later in the week He even tried to initiate sex, but I was running late for work.

At lunchtime I got an email from him telling me he’s not been happy for ‘a week’ and that he doesn’t want to see me again. He said he’s ‘leaving before it turns toxic’. I don’t even know what that means.

I’m absolutely floored. I think it’s partly shock – it came so out of the blue – but also, I opened up to someone for the first time in years and this happened. I just feel – I don’t know, confused, hurt, scared. How could I get someone so wrong? What’s wrong with me that everyone I meet dumps me?? What’s wrong with me that I feel so completely crushed after only four months?? And why would he try to initiate sex with someone he was planning to dump?

It’s been so long since I felt like this that I just don’t know how to cope. I’ve been at work all day trying not to cry. I tried to eat lunch and threw up, and I’m actually frightened at the idea of going home and being alone tonight.

We had plans this weekend and now I’ve got to get through the two days by myself. I don’t have many friends and the ones I do have all have kids and partners so I rarely see them. I think this guy made me realise how very lonely I’ve been for a long time, and how unhappy I’ve been. I’ve tried meeting people through the gym, classes, meetup etc and basically it doesn’t work. I thought I was managing ok on my own, but it looks like I was fooling myself – I certainly don’t feel ok now.

I know this sounds absolutely pathetic - I'm totally aware we've hardly been together any length of time. And if I read this post by someone else, I’d think ‘anxiety issues – counsellor – he’s had a lucky escape’. I’m on meds for anxiety, I’m seeing a CBT counsellor and I truly thought we were both happy. Why do I feel so desperate after just four months?? How do I get through this?

Had a massive wobble last night. Really really wanted to message him and tell him how much he's hurt me and ask why he lied - less than a week ago he told me he was 'so happy' with me. I want him to hurt the way I'm hurting.

Then I realised he won't reply. For all I know he's blocked me, so won't even see the email.

So I put my phone in another room, had (yet another) big cry and got stuck into a book. Three hours later I was totally engrossed in the story and had forgotten all about him. Thank God for good books!!

Reading is my thing too.
I can do it for hours and hours - especially if it's nice outside.
It's a total escape and I'm glad it's helping you.
You are already sounding so much stronger.
Cry when you need to - let it all out.

@feellikehell. I love that about books. You can completely immerse yourself in another world can't you!
When I'm tempted I usually do similar and turn my phone off and 'hide' it in the airing cupboard or something
Also find it helps imagining how the conversation would go (if I was to even get a response)
Whenever I do that, I realize the likelihood of getting anything worthwhile that would make me feel any better is slim to none.

Wise up, toughen up, smell the coffee, and take control, because you can’t control him and or his feelings (and primarily why should we even care?) but you can control how YOU are affected by this experience and you can get closure without him being the one to close the door (again) or have to explain why he did what he did.

Don't give him that ego boost and allow him to reject you again, by either not replying or telling you something you don't want to hear.

The harsh truth is that for whatever his reasons are, he doesn't want to continue this relationship, and that's who he is now and that's how you to have to re-identify him. This is now who he is.
Acknowledging this is tough but it's the first step to healing

You deserve someone who wants to be with you and chooses you every single day.

Oh OP, I'm in exact same position.
Only we were together over a year and planning to move together next year.

He dumped me by message, totally out of the blue, had been loved up as normal last time we saw eahother.

I sent the pleading messages but they went ignored.
It's so horrific, I feel exactly the same as you.
A relationship that fails cause of issues is less painful, I was with my ex ten years and it didn't hurt this bad.

I'm here if you need to talk, we can do no contact together :)

OP, how are you getting on?

I had to respond to this as I can identify with it so much! I have had the same thing myself, so totally understand how gut wrenching it can be!

My ex I also met on a dating site. We were also together 4 months. I totally fell for him, so quickly. He ticked all the boxes. He seemed so into me and seemed so mature and together, knew what he wanted and told me how he felt. I really thought I'd finallly hit jackpot. Then literally 3 days after looking into my eyes and telling me he loved me and wasn't ever going anywhere and kissing me goodbye in the morning telling me he'd see me later, he came home and told me, we needed a chat and that it wasn't working.

It felt like a truck had hit me. I had no idea where it came from, certainly wasn't expecting it and couldn't believe this crap was happening to me again. I too have always been the one who's been dumped and I know how it feels to think it must be you!

What made it worse was that I'd just got a new job where he worked as he got me an interview and was due to start there the very next day. He had told everyone his girlfriend was starting there and didn't tell them we had broken up so they all thought we were still a couple when I started and were saying things like "oh you're M's girlfriend!" I was too heartbroken to set anyone straight. I figured he hadn't bothered to so why should I? I didn't eat properly and lost over a stone and was utterly miserable.

I managed to get a new job 2 months later (thank god!) and I then found out from a mutual friend that he'd gone back to his ex gf shortly after us splitting (also of 18 months - are you sure we didn't date the same guy?).

Believe me I've been where you are now (more than once!) and I know how crappy it feels. But let me tell you something I've come to learn.

It's not you, it's not us. It's them. I've come to realise now I can look back more objectively, that I kept picking the wrong men, despite the fact they felt right at the time. I can see red flags now about them, that I didn't see at the time because I was too caught up in the emotions I felt.

And I can hand on heart say that all those guys that dumped me did me a favour, because although it hurt at the time I can now see they weren't right for me at all.

There is nothing wrong with you. He wouldn't have got with you and stayed with you for 4 months if that was the case. I suspect that he maybe still has feelings for his ex. I could be wrong but if she dumped him (wonder why she did actually?), then maybe he has some unfinished issues he hasn't dealt with and being friends with her still is only going to compound those issues if his feelings are still there. Did he say how long he'd been split up with his ex for when you guys met? Sometimes, people can jump onto dating sites after they've been broken up with as a way of making themselves feel better or thinking it'll help them move on. I'm wondering if he went on the dating site a little too soon after they broke up and got in deeper than he was ready for and panicked. OR maybe his ex has been in contact and said something to him and he thinks he's got another shot with her.

Either way, I'd say this was more about some issues he has than anything being wrong with you xx

Great post browneyes hope you are ok OP.

Thank you all so much - especially browneyes, for being so comforting and helpful.

I'm actually ok - and I'm amazed. I'm busy, which helps a lot.

I forgot to unfollow him on twitter and a post of his came up on my feed the other day. I had another wobble and replied. He replied to me and asked how I was. I answered, and he replied again - and his second reply showed he hadn't even bothered to read my message.

I've been crying and unhappy and full of anxiety and stress about a man who can't even be bothered to read one 20-word message from me. It really helped to see that.

I went out tonight and spoke to three gorgeous men. I'm not interested in starting anything with someone new, but bloody hell it felt good to notice other men!!

My voluntary work starts in a month. And I've signed up to an online running training program. I have crushingly low self-esteem, mostly centered around how I look - and going into relationships feeling ugly and 'not good enough' is not a good starting point. I'm determined to change my relationship with my body and make something good come out of how awful I felt.

Hugs to everyone who posted on here who's going through the same thing. You can get through this

Good for you I admire your honesty and strength

You're doing so much better than I was when this happened to me with my ex! I was all over the place to start with! I only really managed to get myself together once i got my new job and was able to break the ties of us working together. Once I'd left the place he worked, I threw myself into my new job and totally focussed on that (gave me a weird kind of motivation actually, the more I worked the less I thought about him).

Don't worry about the wobble. It's only natural. Feelings don't just disappear overnight and it takes time to re-adjust after an emotional shock. And as you've already pointed out, it's actually helped you to see even more what he's really like.

I think it's brilliant that you're doing things to boost your self esteem and confidence. And talking to a few hotties doesn't hurt for a cheeky ego boost

I started using the weight loss that had come with the break up as a positive push. I signed up to the gym and hit it hard to get toned up, I then started eating better and my god I was more toned than I'd ever been in my life. I felt fantastic and my confidence soared because I felt good about myself. I went on a girly holiday with my friends a few months later with the new toned bod and I think it was the most confident in a bikini I'd ever felt.

Sometimes we don't give ourselves enough credit for just how strong we are and can be in times like this. You can either sink and let it get you really down or you can swim and use it as a driving force to push you back up. And you're swimming right now! I think you should give yourself a big pat on the back!

Great post browneyes

You're right - I'm swimming! Strong women are inspirational

Ah I just read the full thread and I have to say, what a lovely ending which is actually a new beginning.
Kudos to you op for reframing it and turning this into a positive experience for you.
I've been out with this guy, many of us have, seemingly in love, then put of the blue goes cold.
The one I was with has done it to 100s of women despite having had some long term relationships . He's left loads of women confused and broken hearted.
We recently got back in contact. I debated giving him another try purely for the amazing sex (I thought we had a connection in bed turns out he was just amazing in bed with everyone!)
Anyway I resisted the urge as actually he made me feel quite crap and uber confused for a while.
You will be ok, keep up this attitude of rebuilding yourself and working on your resilience and fall in love with you and your own company.
I love that you got stuck into a book. Reading is my favourite thing in the world. I forget to do it nowadays as glued o my phone. I need to get my nose stuck into a book asap!