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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He's deleted me on FB, gutted.

61 replies

deletedme · 05/09/2017 12:11

In 2000/01 I worked abroad for a year. Met an amazing guy and we went out for only 2 months before I had to leave to come back to UK. We kept in touch by letter and then email and then when FB came on the scene he looked me up, due to his job he can't be seen on FB so only got it to keep in touch with me. We both went about our lives, lost touch a bit, got married and both still in our respective countries, opposite sides of the world. About Feb this year we started chatting, really started chatting. I told him how I wish I could have stayed there and he wished he'd told me how he really felt as he loved me and always had done, when he saw I'd got married he never wanted to say anything. We were both so young when we met and we should have taken a chance but didn't.

Anyway we had a silly row last week and I've just logged onto FB and he's deleted me as a FB friend. We didn't have anything romantic going on but I feel he's been a friend and a big part of my life for 17 years and he's just cut me off like that. I feel physically sick he could just do that after so long and after everything we've talked about. I told my OH we were back in touch months ago but not that he's now deleted me as I'm so upset. I've sent him a message but can't see if he's read it yet. Can't talk to anyone else about it really and just devastated.

OP posts:

OnionKnight · 05/09/2017 12:22

ArcheryAnnie · 05/09/2017 12:28

I'm all in favour of good relationships, even close friendships, with exes, and don't think there's automatically anything suspicious about them. Sometimes you really have all moved on.

But. The recent conversations you've had sound quite intense for two people still in committed relationships with other people. He may we;; feel it's all too much for him. I understand that you are deeply upset by this, but a cooling-off period for both of you may be for the best.

You don't say what the row was about. I think it's pertinent.

Original poster

deletedme · 05/09/2017 12:36

Thanks ArcheryAnnie. It was a silly row over him getting angry when I mentioned OH and I'd been out for a meal one night.

OP posts:

HotNatured · 05/09/2017 12:38

More importantly, if I was your DH /his DW I would not be happy about the level of emotion between you and this guy. Pretty disrespectful of you

Brahms3rdracket · 05/09/2017 12:40

This is not a friendship. You are both married and discussing your desire to have stayed together. Sounds like a typical emotional affair to me.

Perhaps his wife found your communications and was understandably pissed off.

ArcheryAnnie · 05/09/2017 12:43

Honestly, OP, if he was upset about you discussing your life with your OH, then a cooling-off period for you is necessary. I would say you were effectively having an emotional affair.

What do you really want?

SandyY2K · 05/09/2017 12:43

He clearly still has feelings if you talking about your OH upset him. Is he married? And yes it could have been his OH who deleted you.

Original poster

deletedme · 05/09/2017 12:47

Yes he's married too. We haven't been having an affair, I guess we have talked about things we would have done differently and maybe mistakes we made all those years ago, but nothing sexual or anything like that. Doubt it would have been his OH, I know she's not on FB and works away a lot. He wouldn't have ever told her he was talking, as said she would have finished with him long ago if she knew he was even talking to me as he told her all about us years back when they first met.

OP posts:

BenLui · 05/09/2017 12:51

Sorry, you are married you shouldn't be continuing a relationship like this, even on Fb, if the guy told you he loves you. It's entirely inappropriate.

If he's cut you off because he can't bear hearing about the realities of your life as a wife then cutting you off was exactly the right thing for him to do (and exactly what MN recommends in these situations).

What are you thinking of? You are risking your marriage for someone you haven't seen for 16 years?

Step away from Fb and make sure you really understand the consequences of your actions.

LorLorr2 · 05/09/2017 12:53

To be honest would you really yearn for someone who deletes you after a tiff? Especially one that was over you going out to eat with your husband. It sounds a bit strange x

BenLui · 05/09/2017 12:54

So he told you his wife would leave him if she knew you were communicating and you chose to keep doing it? To participate actively in deceiving his wife?

Brahms3rdracket · 05/09/2017 13:01

Exactly how is this not an emotional affair? He's keeping it quiet from his wife and you're very selective what you share with your dh. This is exactly how mn defines an emotional affair and you're in serious denial.

Would you be ok if your dh was doing the same and be devastated at it ending.

Branleuse · 05/09/2017 13:01

He has done the right thing. It was getting dodgy.

Graphista · 05/09/2017 13:03

You WERE having an emotional affair.

If you're STILL unsure show the messages to your husband - he'll soon tell you I'm sure!

Sounds like either he's jealous, come to his senses or his wife has found out and UNDERSTANDABLY demanded he cut you off.

Original poster

deletedme · 05/09/2017 13:03

BenLui, I told my husband we were talking to each other. What he chooses to tell his wife is up to him.

OP posts:

Original poster

deletedme · 05/09/2017 13:04

thanks ladies, I know you're probably right. It's just been so good to have the contact with him again after so long and I guess I'm just sad he ended it without even saying goodbye. Being defriended on FB is so final!

OP posts:

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/09/2017 13:06

He got upset because you spoke about your dh to him and he still loves you. This is an emotional affair. I'm sorry you're hurting. I do understand. He's the one that got away. You are at serious risk of turning your life upside down. Are you going to do something about it e.g. Counselling?

Graphista · 05/09/2017 13:06

You told your husband you were talking to him, bet you didn't tell husband he declared his love for you! What else was said?

Cakedoesntjudge · 05/09/2017 13:07

I think the point other posters are making is that telling your husband you're talking to him is one thing, but would you be happy for him to read your conversations? If not then this wasn't appropriate.

Personally, if I was married and found that my husband was messaging an ex saying he wished he'd taken a chance and we could be together I'd be deeply hurt and it would make me question how they truly felt about me.

SandyY2K · 05/09/2017 13:12

If he was hiding the friendship then it's inappropriate. You are his secret friend.

He told her about you way back and she clearly sees you as a threat to her marriage. I'd say she's not wrong considering he obviously still has feelings for you.

An emotional affair doesn't only mean sexual talk.
How would you feel in her shoes?

OlderGolder · 05/09/2017 13:15

I'd block him now. I feel more empathy than the majority I suspect but it was a very cold way of dismissing you so I don't think he is that ''amazing''.

I think he should have said ''I think I'm going to say good bye and good luck''. Deleting you with no goodbye very cold and confusing.

Block him so that he can't satisfy his curiosity refriending you one day.

user1495451339 · 05/09/2017 13:15

Honestly, this is the best thing. You need to live in your current life and not hanker after something that was never to be and never could be.

Feel sorry for your husband, I would be devastated if I saw he was sending an ex those kinds of messages. It would probably end our relationship. I think you need to think about the risks to your relationship you have been making and why?

Serialweightwatcher · 05/09/2017 13:15

How would you feel if your husband had been chatting to an ex like you were? You may think you were not having an affair, but it's just as bad to be wishing things had been different etc ... think it's best left as it is now and get over it because it will only cause problems and hurt in the longterm

VladmirsPoutine · 05/09/2017 13:16

This is an emotional affair. However you want to dress it up. Not all affairs involve meetings in hotels and shagging the fuck out of each other. Call it what it is.

schoolgaterebel · 05/09/2017 13:18

You have been having an emotional affair.

The OM has obviously come to the realisation that this is inappropriate and hurtful to your respectful marriages. He has done the right thing by cutting contact.

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