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Original poster

He's deleted me on FB, gutted.

61 replies

deletedme · 05/09/2017 12:11

In 2000/01 I worked abroad for a year. Met an amazing guy and we went out for only 2 months before I had to leave to come back to UK. We kept in touch by letter and then email and then when FB came on the scene he looked me up, due to his job he can't be seen on FB so only got it to keep in touch with me. We both went about our lives, lost touch a bit, got married and both still in our respective countries, opposite sides of the world. About Feb this year we started chatting, really started chatting. I told him how I wish I could have stayed there and he wished he'd told me how he really felt as he loved me and always had done, when he saw I'd got married he never wanted to say anything. We were both so young when we met and we should have taken a chance but didn't.

Anyway we had a silly row last week and I've just logged onto FB and he's deleted me as a FB friend. We didn't have anything romantic going on but I feel he's been a friend and a big part of my life for 17 years and he's just cut me off like that. I feel physically sick he could just do that after so long and after everything we've talked about. I told my OH we were back in touch months ago but not that he's now deleted me as I'm so upset. I've sent him a message but can't see if he's read it yet. Can't talk to anyone else about it really and just devastated.

OP posts:
PoorYorick · 05/09/2017 13:21

You're far too invested in this. Distance lends enchantment.

Holidayhooray · 05/09/2017 13:21

What a pathetic twat. Deleting you after a little row.

Dodged a bullet

gonetotkmaxx · 05/09/2017 13:25

I kind of get how you're feeling. I'm sorry you're hurting. Maybe it really is for the best to let this go, though, if you want to have a happy relationship with your husband.

MistressDeeCee · 05/09/2017 13:26

Emotional affair and now you're dealing with the fallout. Be thankful it didn't get to be a physical affair, you'd have felt even worse. You're married, aren't you? So I guess he was fulfilling a need in some way for you, perhaps your marriage isn't all you want it to be. So you're thinking what you 'could have been' with this man. When you don't even know the reality of what it would have been, it could have been shit.

& you mentioned him to your DH as you wanted to 'speak him into life' which is often the case with these things..mentionitis re the one on your mind 24/7.

Flowery romantic wistful words on a screen without the real day to day of relationship and responsibiliies and domestics are lovely, aren't they. But its not grounded in reality. I think you're being silly. But lots of people are silly aren't they...we're not made perfect. Grieve for loss of friend if you must, but put it behind you and move on

yetmorecrap · 05/09/2017 13:31

I think there is a good chance his wife found it, she doesnt need to be on facebook, if he has done this on messenger and he doesnt log off , she can just click on and he may well not have deleted. the other option is he realises he cannot 'just be friends' and thinks the temptation to keep getting in touch is too much. Sorry OP, Ive been there with a DH who was keeping in touch with someone this way, it was all just friendly catch up stuff , usually initiated by him --but Im pretty sure she didnt know he had a 'thing' about her. Work on your marriage and accept it wasnt to be or get out. Im pretty sure you arent saying to your DH, here, have a read of this. Its all very well saying you are in touch but not necessarily telling him the content if you think he wont like it , thats really not on.

alphajuliet123 · 05/09/2017 13:33

Are you totally sure your husband didn't see the messages and hit the defriend button?

dinosaursandtea · 05/09/2017 13:35

Wow. You're having an emotional affair with a married guy you dated for two months 17 years ago and hadn't really spoken to properly since this February...and you're posting in AIBU?

Brave woman. Really, really stupid and selfish. But brave nonetheless. eyeroll

PollyFlint · 05/09/2017 13:36

It was a silly row over him getting angry when I mentioned OH and I'd been out for a meal one night.

He wasn't just your 'friend', then, clearly, and he was also a possessive arsehole who, despite being married, can't handle the fact that you're with someone.

The fact that he's deleted you is for the best. He's a prick.

TheNaze73 · 05/09/2017 13:37

Maybe his conscience woke up?

sunflowerblue · 05/09/2017 13:37

I suspect his wife may have found the conversation actually, and he agreed to end the friendship with you. Hence all contact stopping suddenly without explanation. But as other have said, you need to find a way to move on, this situation isn't healthy for anyone.

EverythingEverywhere1234 · 05/09/2017 13:37

At best, your behaviour was completely inappropriate. At worst, you were having an emotional affair and that is how I would see it, were I your DH. My trust in you would be shot to pieces tbh.

DoloresMae · 05/09/2017 13:38

Perhaps ripping it off like a plaster (D for DELETE) is the only way he can save his sanity and I guess you should probably respect that.

It's an emotional affair. These things totally twist peoples' melons.

I know a couple of people who have had this type of contact with old flames (kinda the dream isn't it - to find out someone you hold dear in your memories (fancy the arse off still) holds a candle for you. It's knowing where to draw the line is the key thing. And he has. So now you have some new memories to think on and make you smile.

BenLui · 05/09/2017 13:39

I'm sorry Delete but

"What he chooses to tell his wife is up to him"

Is disingenuous, self justifying nonsense. It's right next door to an OW saying "well I didn't make any vows to him"

You need to take responsibility for your own behaviour.

I'm sure you think I'm being harsh, but I'm trying to make you see the reality of the situation.

He told his wife didn't know. He told you his wife would dislike it to the extent that she'd leave him.

You were his grubby little secret. And he was yours if you are really honest with yourself. You told your DH about the contact but you haven't shown him the messages and I'd bet you can't either.

I know that you are upset but you need to take some time to think about why.

I suspect his deleting you is a manipulative move on his part and he'll be back with apologies soon.

You'd be far better to block him on FB before that happens.

DoloresMae · 05/09/2017 13:44

Jeez life is v black and white here isn't it?

Grey areas is where it goes on. I'm sympathetic to this situation, deleted me - leave it be now though I reckon.

cueless · 05/09/2017 13:46

He came to his senses. It's a chance for you, take it as one.
This stuff break marriages! Do you care about your DH? He would be devastated to understand the full extend of this.
You just had a lucky break. Now concentrate on developing emotional closeness with your DH.

Brahms3rdracket · 05/09/2017 13:52

@DeloresMae yes in this situation it is very simple black and white. It was a two month fling 17 bloody years ago ffs. I'm absolutely certain it's b&w to the spouses of them both.

BenLui · 05/09/2017 14:01

Dolores do you really think this is a grey area? Do you think that Delete's DH or her friend's DW would think it's a grey area?

To my mind OP has mislead herself into thinking this is grey area territory when really truly, it's not. Not at all.

I could pat the OP metaphorically on the head and say "there, there" but that won't actually help her.

DoloresMae · 05/09/2017 14:01

Well those flings from a long time ago can hold strong - I think. And then it must be thrilling to rediscover each other, not find out either one of you is a massive bellend or whathaveyou and then there you are writing to each other a lot and then there you are, an emotional affair.

I'm sure it is black and white to the spouses of each but they're not here pouring seeking a bit of solace are they?

BenLui · 05/09/2017 14:03

You are right Dolores she is seeking solace. It's not what she needs though.

I wouldn't give my best friend in the world solace in these circumstances- I'd give her a verbal kick in the arse.

DoloresMae · 05/09/2017 14:03

I meant life is in the grey - the reasons these things happen etc. It's a black and white situation outside of that for sure. Just seemed a lot of finger waggin going on is all.

I've said leave it be. At the very least it seems to be what he wants so it should be respected on that level anyway. Which I've said.

Lovemusic33 · 05/09/2017 14:06

This happened to me a few years ago, got back in touch with a old flame ( actually my first love ), I was married he was in engaged with a baby in the way, he started with the 'we should have never split up' rubbish and he started asking me if we could meet up. One day out of the blue he deleted me from FB, turned out his wife to be had been reading some of his messages ( all him pushing not me, I refused to meet). I haven't heard from him since and that's probably for the best. I am now single and I do think about him from time to time but it's in the past.

What he has done is for the best, you both need to move on hpbefore it damages your marriages. Don't contact him in anyway, he's just a memory from your past and that's how it should stay.

anotherniceday · 05/09/2017 14:13

Doubt it would have been his OH, I know she's not on FB and works away a lot. He wouldn't have ever told her he was talking,

This proves that the two of you were having an emotional affair.
People don't keep things from their partners when things are all above board.
The fact you had to be secretive about your relationship speaks volumes.

I think you know all this really, don't you?

Lovemusic33 · 05/09/2017 14:23

She doesn't need to be on Facebook to be able to log into his? She just needs to guess his password.

Whitney168 · 05/09/2017 14:27

due to his job he can't be seen on FB so only got it to keep in touch with me

You know this is just a line, right, and he just set up a separate account to hide from his wife ... ?

Looneytune253 · 05/09/2017 14:31

FB is a minefield. Maybe his wife found out and was upset so he blocked you? Maybe he's left FB? That sometimes looks like you've been deleted too.