Should I end my relationship? Advice needed

[Mum542]

Hi!
I've been with my partner over 9 years. We are under 30. We have 3 children together aged 6, 4 and 2 1/2. For a long time I've thought about leaving, but I often think what if I'm over reacting? What if it's the wrong decision? How will it affect my kids?I feel miserable and stuck in a rut and because what he has put into my head I feel like my life its all my fault and it wouldn't get any better anyways. I've made some points about what my partner and our relationship is like. Any advice is welcome please.

My partner keeps all his money to himself and just drinks and gambles it all away and does not help financially towards the household even when it's a birthday or I'm struggling.
I pay and organise all the bills and go food shopping.
He says that drinking and gambling makes him happy because I'm the underlying issue that depresses him.
He refuses to get any help for depression, he's been given medication but won't take it anymore.
My children are cleaner and can put dirty clothes in the washing basket and dishes in the sink where as he would just leave them on the floor for me to do.
Asking a simple question such as what would you like for tea can make him irrate because i ask stupid questions all the time and says I'm causing him stress.
He does not help with the children at all, in fact I can't even remember the last time he had an actual conversation with our eldest. He doesnt play with them or even ask how was school. He wouldn't be able to tell you who their teacher is or name 1 of their friends as he's just not interested. He just shouts and is hard on them and never praises them but He'll walk past the boys and go straight to our youngest and give her a cuddle.
My children are close in age and they are hyper and bounce off each other I wouldn't say they were naughty as some can be however whenever the children act a certain way as kids do he'll blame me for it, even though he's there to parent aswell.
He would never let me sleep in or give me time to myself yet he can sleep in till dinnertime and lounge about all day.
When our youngest was born he slept downstairs so the baby wouldn't wake him up!
He is so negative and bitter about everything. He never says a nice word about anyone. He never shows excitement or looks forward to anything. Never wants to go anywhere. We will get invited as a family to places/events and it will always be just me and the kids.
Hell often say hell change and never does or hell attempt to then go back to normal and try to justify it and then make it my fault.
I'm in no ways perfect and I know I'm hard to deal with most of the time I feel like slot of my actions is through resentment of how I'm treated but that is irrelevant to him.
He says I'm selfish, i only think about myself and I don't appreciate him and I should be lucky as there is worse men out there than him.
I'm trying to better myself by doing courses and my nvq he's either not interested or says that I shouldn't be doing it.

So my question is should I try and fight again and work things out again or do I finally end it? I feel like a partner should add to your life and make you happy at the minute I just feel the life draining away from me

Has anyone been in the same position as me and has came out on the other side? Why is this decision so hard?

Sorry for the rant
Thanks for your replies
Xxx

My partner keeps all his money to himself and just drinks and gambles it all away and does not help financially towards the household even when it's a birthday or I'm struggling.

I got to this -second paragraph of your long post - and I made my mind up. I'd leave him if I were you.

Why on earth do you think he will change? he won't. You are young. Get out, rear you children. Maybe someday you might meet someone lovely - but seriously - don't get into another relationship until you talk to someone and figure out why you put up with such shit in this one. My guess is you met him young, he told you no one else would put up with you and then you started having children.

Seriously you are so young - a whole lovely life without this shit is there in the future for you.

(I am kind of laughing at a man whose selling point by his own words is "there are worse out there than me" - well yes, maybe there are even shittier men out there but you don't have to be with any of them either)

Get out. Get out now. He is a worthless, abusive asshole. He adds nothing of value to your or your childrens' lives. Leave him before his abuse starts to affect your children in ways you will never be able to repair. You will be so much happier without him poisoning your life. It's time to be strong and do what you already know you need to.

Yep leave. It's unlikely to improve if you simply stay isn't it?

What.The.Actual.Fuck?

The fact that you have to even ask is incredibly worrying.

Get out fast and get as far away from this cunt as you can.

Life with him sounds awful, OP. I think you should leave and that you will be so much happier.

Think of the effect on the children of having him around. Surely worse than the (temporary) fall out of ending the relationship?

I can't imagine why you'd have lasted as long as you have. He sounds like an absolute knob.

You can't work things out with someone who.makes it this obvious that they hate you! Life is not meant to be this way!!

Please leave him. You and the children will be so much better off.

Surely worse than the (temporary) fall out of ending the relationship?

Exactly this, splitting up is hard but there's an 'other side', when it will all be over and you will be free to build a new, happier life. Or you can stay and put up with the horrible way he treats you indefinitely, maybe for the rest of your life.

It's scary as hell OP, the thought of all the changes and upheaval leaving/making him leave would mean, but surely the thought of years more of this is a million times ^more^ scary?

Think it through, don't do anything on a whim, get some support in place (friends, family etc) and contact Women's Aid for advice on how to leave safely and a solicitor if there's property/living arrangements and financial stuff to sort out. Keep posting here, there's a wealth of experience at your fingertips on this board and you will get support every step of the way. Keep yourself safe online though, use private browsing or delete your history if there's any chance he could access your device.

What you're describing is extremely abusive though, be in no doubt about that, you and your DC don't deserve to live like this and I really hope you can find the strength to leave

Can't actually work out why you'd want to be with him.

How can you work things out? He doesn't want things to change, he's happy.

Please leave - you and your children will be much happier, I guarantee it

You say it so well yourself

" I feel like a partner should add to your life and make you happy at the minute I just feel the life draining away from me"

You are desperately trying to stop this man's behaviour impacting on your dc, & your life. You're expending so much energy doing this, that you are run ragged just to try and hold things together.

If you get this man out of your lives, you'll find you have SO much energy to do whatever you want in life. You'll feel an amazing sense of freedom, because for the first time you're able to live life without constantly mitigating the crap he forces you to deal with. It's amazing how easy it is to life life when you don't have someone trying to tuck it up all the time.

Imagine being free to create a stable and healthy home for your children. It's a lovely feeling, I promise!

I know this to be true as I've been through it myself. I was so scared leaving him, as I'd believed him with all the 'you'll be nothing without me, you're the one with the problem etc etc etc'.

The energy and freedom and lightness took me completely by surprise!

You deserve to live without this awful man. You deserve to be able to care for yourself and your children without someone destroying your efforts. You have your life to live, but you'll never get to live it if you stay with him.

I see one of your doubts about leaving is the impact on the children. Well it looks like their getting nothing but harsh words, favouritism/rejection, and a really shit role model.

He's messing their life up too, so 100% leave.

Don't pay any attention to the bullshit he gives you to try and stop you

I think it'll be best all round if you end things. What he's doing isn't normal

There probably are "worse" men than him out there, but you don't have to be with them either.

Actually i don't think there are worse men out there. He contributes absolutely nothing to your family. Seems the only contribution he's ever made is simply a sperm donation.

Kick him out today, you and your children sill be far happier minus this parasitic arsehole cluttering up the house. He'll get the shock of his life when he has to look after himself. You are far too young to resign yourself to what sounds like a thoroughly miserable existence.

There are men who beat up their partners on a daily basis. He's comparing himself to people like that to persuade his partner that he's worth staying with.

without a shadow of a doubt - get out. This is clearly emotional abuse.
The children get nothing from him from what you have said so im sure you and they would be much happier in a settled happy home than staying with this man who clearly blames you all for his own depression and issues.

My fiancee has 2 kids from his first marriage, the eldest is 13, she recently said to him that although it upset her at the time when her parents divorced, shes glad they did as she can see know how they are both happier coz she said she never saw them kiss or hold hands, like they do with their current partners, and they were always arguing,. He never realised how much it effected her as she was only 6 but picked up on all of it. By separating their children have 2 happy households instead of 1 unhappy one.

He says that drinking and gambling makes him happy because I'm the underlying issue that depresses him.

Then leave him and he should be full of delight.

I really wonder what kind of upbringing men like him had. He sounds like a waste of space.

Thank you for all of your replies.
I think I've held on to it for so long as it's my only long term relationship. We met when we were teenagers, I feel like I don't even know what a normal relationship should be like.
He tells me that I'll never be happy and I'll always think the grass is greener.
I'm scared to end things and end up in a worst position to what I am now or alone forever!
Is this really emotional abuse? So many of youse have said so. I just thought he was being a constant nob!
I told him to leave a few months ago and he said he wouldn't leave. What do i do if he won't go who has rights?
Today was my kids first day at school after being in the house for over an hour he finally came to see the kids and asked if school was good they said yes and he left the room...i no I ask a thousand questions as I'm the mother I want to know everything but really is that a normal relationship with a father? I feel like he only asked them as to not get grief off me rather than being interested.

I know I'll be so much better off but for some reason I can't get past it and just end things for good. How?? Why is it so hard to do? I've been with him so long I feel like it's trying to break a habit xx

My partner keeps all his money to himself
just drinks and gambles it all away
does not help financially towards the household even when it's a birthday or I'm struggling

^ That is financial abuse of both you and the children.

He says ... I'm the underlying issue that depresses him... that i ask stupid questions all the time... that I'm causing him stress.
Hell often say hell change... then go back to normal and try to justify it and then make it my fault
He says I'm selfish, i only think about myself and I don't appreciate him and I should be lucky as there is worse men out there than him

^ That is him emotionally abusing you.

He just shouts and is hard on [the children] and never praises them but He'll walk past the boys and go straight to our youngest and give her a cuddle.

^ That is him emotionally abusing your children.

I'm scared to end things and end up in a worst position to what I am now or alone forever!

Please just think this through. Would you honestly prefer to be with him, vs. being on your own? If so, why? Do you not want a little more for yourself than misery?

If you really would prefer to be miserable, ok, but then could you please just think of your children? Right now, you're teaching them that the only way a relationship should be is miserable.

Like... they will literally pass up good partners, in search of someone like their dad, because your relationship is teaching them that relationships = misery and if they aren't miserable, there's something wrong.

Think about that!
If it were me, I'd start taking baby steps at the very least to get him out of the picture.

Do you rent? Is his name on the lease?

This is emotional abuse. The definition of emotional abuse i'd say!!! My exh was like this... and he is now for that reason just that... an EXh.... please think carefully about the long term impact it will have on you and your children - and leave him!!!

I didn't even read all of your first post. He's a twat. I hope you find the strength to leave. Do it for your kids and for yourself. X

He is an addicted abuser. You will need to be very strong and have lots of support to be free of him. But you can be. If that's what you really want x

Yes walk away. I understand the fear, I also felt very guilty it's a huge leap to go from a family to a single parent. You change your life course forever. But for the better in a case as clear as yours.

I did 15 years ago. I'm not 'happy ever after'- I've just posted myself about mistake number 2 relationship wise. However I never regretted it, my first husband made me utterly miserable and even now, I'm so glad.

What made me leave the first time? Thinking of my child. I was too upset to parent him properly, constantly worrying about money etc.

Hi thanks for your advice. After a couple of days soul searching then a few more days of arguing him threatening to kill himself smashing up the place in front of the kids. He has left today. He says it's all my fault I make him feel unwanted and unloved which will be true of the last month of be being fed up with it all. He says he's depressed and he needs help and can I help him if he stays and it's broken my heart that I stayed strong and still said no. How can I kick him out if he's feeling like that what a horrible thing to do xx

He's been offered help with his depression and refused to take the meds and carried on drinking. He had taken no responsibility for his own behaviour at all.

Stay strong, you and the DC are better off without him in the home. You have been his emotional punch bag for too long.