Should I end my relationship? Advice needed

[Mum542]

Hi!
I've been with my partner over 9 years. We are under 30. We have 3 children together aged 6, 4 and 2 1/2. For a long time I've thought about leaving, but I often think what if I'm over reacting? What if it's the wrong decision? How will it affect my kids?I feel miserable and stuck in a rut and because what he has put into my head I feel like my life its all my fault and it wouldn't get any better anyways. I've made some points about what my partner and our relationship is like. Any advice is welcome please.

My partner keeps all his money to himself and just drinks and gambles it all away and does not help financially towards the household even when it's a birthday or I'm struggling.
I pay and organise all the bills and go food shopping.
He says that drinking and gambling makes him happy because I'm the underlying issue that depresses him.
He refuses to get any help for depression, he's been given medication but won't take it anymore.
My children are cleaner and can put dirty clothes in the washing basket and dishes in the sink where as he would just leave them on the floor for me to do.
Asking a simple question such as what would you like for tea can make him irrate because i ask stupid questions all the time and says I'm causing him stress.
He does not help with the children at all, in fact I can't even remember the last time he had an actual conversation with our eldest. He doesnt play with them or even ask how was school. He wouldn't be able to tell you who their teacher is or name 1 of their friends as he's just not interested. He just shouts and is hard on them and never praises them but He'll walk past the boys and go straight to our youngest and give her a cuddle.
My children are close in age and they are hyper and bounce off each other I wouldn't say they were naughty as some can be however whenever the children act a certain way as kids do he'll blame me for it, even though he's there to parent aswell.
He would never let me sleep in or give me time to myself yet he can sleep in till dinnertime and lounge about all day.
When our youngest was born he slept downstairs so the baby wouldn't wake him up!
He is so negative and bitter about everything. He never says a nice word about anyone. He never shows excitement or looks forward to anything. Never wants to go anywhere. We will get invited as a family to places/events and it will always be just me and the kids.
Hell often say hell change and never does or hell attempt to then go back to normal and try to justify it and then make it my fault.
I'm in no ways perfect and I know I'm hard to deal with most of the time I feel like slot of my actions is through resentment of how I'm treated but that is irrelevant to him.
He says I'm selfish, i only think about myself and I don't appreciate him and I should be lucky as there is worse men out there than him.
I'm trying to better myself by doing courses and my nvq he's either not interested or says that I shouldn't be doing it.

So my question is should I try and fight again and work things out again or do I finally end it? I feel like a partner should add to your life and make you happy at the minute I just feel the life draining away from me

Has anyone been in the same position as me and has came out on the other side? Why is this decision so hard?

Sorry for the rant
Thanks for your replies
Xxx

Hi guys.
After a few days of having an emotional meltdown he's now messaging me begging me to take him back.
I think he's realised that I mean it when i said it's over for good as he's never begged before.
I'm hurting so much i want to believe all these promises he's giving me.
My confidence and self esteem have vanished and I'm suffering from panic attacks these past few days.

I don't know what to do. I want to give him a chance to prove himself but other hand I've heard it all before just not a downgraded version.

Thanks guys

You've given him years of chances. He's a wanker to your children, does fuck all in the house, financially and emotionally abuses you. Why do you think he should come back? So he can carry on his life of Riley doing sod all and having you as his slave picking up after him while he ignores his children? Sure, let him come back.

TBH he is giving you the guilt trip because it suits his own entirely selfish ends.

It is far, far too soon for him to have had any sort of "epiphany". Sorry but IMHO he is still being a manipulative self centred wanker.

The first few days/weeks are often the hardest because that's when they try their hardest to pull you back. None of the promises mean anything. If he really wants to win you back he listens and gives you space. But he won't because he doesn't want to and it's really all about his needs, not yours, and he needs you back so he can continue life as he wants it, on his own terms. That's what he's working so hard to get back, not you and his kids I am sorry to say.

for you, it's an emotional rollercoaster I know. Have you read the Lundy Bancroft book 'Why does he do that?' It's eye-opening.

BTW

Consider your children before him. He is an adult. They are not.
Consider what behaviours they have seen and heard, and how they are likely to perceive normality.

Think about what he's done and said before. Think about his first response to you splitting up with him - was it caring or loving? Did he think about you or his children? Or just himself?

He's just going into the next stage in a very well trodden path of how an abusive person tries to regain control and dominance.

Blaming you, faking mental health crisis, and now it's the turn of the 'I'll change' pressure.

A person can't change as much as he'd need to in order to become a good partner and a good father. Let's face it, it's not like you split up with him for a few superficial issues is it? Like not putting his socks in the washing basket?!

He behaves with contempt, to you and his children. He's aggressive and cruel. He sees the hurt he causes, and doesn't give a shit. He has made no effort to change in all the myriad of moments he could have changed. He's tried everything else in the book to force you to accept the abuse. Abuse of you and of his children. It's only now when he finally feels there's no other way of controlling you that he's finally starting to say he'll change.

Please stay strong. You've done such a good job so far. A happier wife exists on the path you've started on. A life of betrayal, abuse and damage awaits if you return to him. Not just for you but for your children, who will be damaged for life by the way their father treats them.

Keep strong!
Take each hour as it comes.
Good luck

Everything that WellThisIsShit said with bells on.

Yep, from someone who has in the past wasted years in bad relationships, get out now. Good luck. xxx