Should I end my relationship? Advice needed

[Mum542]

Hi!
I've been with my partner over 9 years. We are under 30. We have 3 children together aged 6, 4 and 2 1/2. For a long time I've thought about leaving, but I often think what if I'm over reacting? What if it's the wrong decision? How will it affect my kids?I feel miserable and stuck in a rut and because what he has put into my head I feel like my life its all my fault and it wouldn't get any better anyways. I've made some points about what my partner and our relationship is like. Any advice is welcome please.

My partner keeps all his money to himself and just drinks and gambles it all away and does not help financially towards the household even when it's a birthday or I'm struggling.
I pay and organise all the bills and go food shopping.
He says that drinking and gambling makes him happy because I'm the underlying issue that depresses him.
He refuses to get any help for depression, he's been given medication but won't take it anymore.
My children are cleaner and can put dirty clothes in the washing basket and dishes in the sink where as he would just leave them on the floor for me to do.
Asking a simple question such as what would you like for tea can make him irrate because i ask stupid questions all the time and says I'm causing him stress.
He does not help with the children at all, in fact I can't even remember the last time he had an actual conversation with our eldest. He doesnt play with them or even ask how was school. He wouldn't be able to tell you who their teacher is or name 1 of their friends as he's just not interested. He just shouts and is hard on them and never praises them but He'll walk past the boys and go straight to our youngest and give her a cuddle.
My children are close in age and they are hyper and bounce off each other I wouldn't say they were naughty as some can be however whenever the children act a certain way as kids do he'll blame me for it, even though he's there to parent aswell.
He would never let me sleep in or give me time to myself yet he can sleep in till dinnertime and lounge about all day.
When our youngest was born he slept downstairs so the baby wouldn't wake him up!
He is so negative and bitter about everything. He never says a nice word about anyone. He never shows excitement or looks forward to anything. Never wants to go anywhere. We will get invited as a family to places/events and it will always be just me and the kids.
Hell often say hell change and never does or hell attempt to then go back to normal and try to justify it and then make it my fault.
I'm in no ways perfect and I know I'm hard to deal with most of the time I feel like slot of my actions is through resentment of how I'm treated but that is irrelevant to him.
He says I'm selfish, i only think about myself and I don't appreciate him and I should be lucky as there is worse men out there than him.
I'm trying to better myself by doing courses and my nvq he's either not interested or says that I shouldn't be doing it.

So my question is should I try and fight again and work things out again or do I finally end it? I feel like a partner should add to your life and make you happy at the minute I just feel the life draining away from me

Has anyone been in the same position as me and has came out on the other side? Why is this decision so hard?

Sorry for the rant
Thanks for your replies
Xxx

I think that other more wise MNetters will be along, but you have done the best thing. I'm so sorry that he's made it so hard for you, and the kids have witnessed some of it too, but please don't go back and allow him back in your life. If he wanted you to help him with his depression, then he's had years to do that!

Do you have any family nearby or friends who you can go to for support? The wise People on these threads are a huge source of support and advice, too.

Your gut feeling is absolutely right. He's a horrible man who doesn't deserve you at all.

Yes.

Oh op you've done the right thing.

As long as you let him stay in the house and tip toed around him, there's no he'd ever take responsibility for his problems.

You've effectively given him the only chance he has to address his issues x you've actually done the loving thing

You can't fix the relationship by yourself. It would require him to actually want to change (and then a whole lot of work on his behalf). He doesn't sound like he wants to change so it's unlikely that anything you do will fix things.

I'd also worry about the impact of his behaviour on your children as it sounds emotionally abusive to me.

It seems like you are pretty much a single mum now seeing as you take care of everything anyway. Leaving might be hard initially but could well be the best thing for you and your children.

Agree that there is a small chance he will now access help so you did the best thing for him. As well as yourself and especially your dc. This is not your fault. How could any sane person think they could live in a house, father 3 dc and pay nothing towards it. In actual fact you would be wrong not to throw him out.
He will hound you to get back. Look at the comfortable life he had. Just find one sentence to say..eg..lm sure you will work it out. He knows what to do.
Also, lm sorry to say this, but if he does take his own life, which he probably wont, none of it will be your fault.
You didnt cause it
You cant control it
You cant cure it.
Please surround yourself with as much support as you can. Be in no doubt you did right. You will manage as you have done everything anyway. If there is any benifits you can get, get them. I dont know the system.

Oh sweetie, well done. Please try not to feel guilty, what he's saying is not true. It may be shocking to hear (through his brain washing of you!), but thousands upon thousands of people are depressed each year in the U.K. Without turning into either complete mobs or abusive arseholes. And no! You are not to blame in any way for his behaviour, and it's disgusting that he says you are. Adults are responsible for their own behaviour. There is always a choice, many choices in fact. No one is 'forced' to behave like a cruel abusive twat.

He chooses to be a cruel sbusive twat all on his own.

If he is depressed, that's an entirely different thing and unrelated to his nasty behaviour to you and your children. It's also up to him to sort out. And engaging with his gp, counselling etc is the way to do that. Not trapping you into a relationship where he can treat you like shit and damage his own children.

Ugh. He sounds foul. You have done such a good thing to break up with him. Keep strong and please don't let him guilt you into returning into a relationship that sounds horrendous for you and your kids.

You have completely done the right thing, don't be guilted into letting him back because you know things will go back to exactly how they were before. He's an abuser and will try every trick to get back into the house. Be strong

When I read your OP I thought the best possible outcome would be if he left voluntarily. Now he has and this is your lifeline.
Don't bugger it up by feeling guilty. You've done nothing wrong.

Op

Do not fall for his suicide threats! It's a common tactic anongst abusive men.

Sure you pity him but relationships don't thrive on pity!

He doesn't give you a penny to raise those children? He is no man

Claim tax credits. You will be better off financially. And go to the CSA

You are not his slave either.

I can tell you a normal relationship is nothing like the one you have.

You sound lovely - you will meet someone else.

Would you like your daughter to marry a man like him?

Or your sons to become him? No I didn't think so.

If he moves back in they will certainly be impacted by the role model he is. He is a dreadful father tho? And husband? Imagine your kids parenting their own kids like the way he does?

Honestly fight on through your pain. You might be tempted to go back for more but he won't change. He can't. He's been brought up this way.

Have a look at the womens aid website and maybe consider reading the book 'why does he do that' op - they will all give you more info and help you to be strong.

I got to the first paragraph and didn't need to read anymore- he tells you that you're the reason he's depressed and blames his addictions on you??! I normally think that a lot of Mumsnetters are very quick to tell women that their men are bastards and they should end the relationship, but in this case I really think that's the case!

Don't worry about the children. If both of you are happy single, they will be too.

Time to get back to being you!!

Good luck x

OP He doesn't want to be a father or a partner. Anything he says during initial break up is manipulative bs! Think about his actions before he left actions not his pity me play.

Does not contribute financially to family .
Drinks n gambles that family money
Ignores his kids lives no interest in their school life etc
Blames you for his depression which he refuses to treat
You can't talk/ask him simple questions
You can't rely on him to support you or help in anyway regarding upbringing of DC

He is a selfish self absorbed addict of a father and partner.

He's pitying himself now as you've forced change on him, he was happy doing shit all, drinking n gambling with his house kept n paid for for him and fed etc for free
He's shitting it now as he'll have to fund his own life and that's going to cut into his drinking/gambling budget.

He's forcing you into the role of his mum/carer. You're not responsible for him. He's spent 9 years being a lazy, selfish twat and never cared enough to change before and now he wants your help? Don't fall for it.

OP this is no life for you or your children. Get out of this relationship as soon as you can. You don't want your children growing up thinking this is normal behaviour. He is just dragging you down. You have loads of time left to rebuild your life and start again

'How can I kick him out if he's feeling like that what a horrible thing to do'

No, it's the right thing to do. He is blaming you for everything when he has obvious problems that he won't do anything about. Saying that he needs you to help him is another form of emotional abuse; so he can blame you if/when he fails to get any better. How can you help him if he won't help himself? If he's serious about getting help he can do that now when he only has himself to think about. I bet he doesn't though.

You've done what's best for you all, life is too short to be constantly miserable , and he's making you very unhappy with his behaviour, not the other way round as he says.

Because he is only saying these things to keep his cushy life! Did he want to change before? No.
Stick with it

Posting on here has definitely made me realise the extent if the emotional blackmail he has put on me over the years.

Does he realise what he's doing? Or is this just him being him?

Like I said this is my only serious relationship as we met since being teenagers, what should it be Like? What should a good father be Like?
He has it drummed into my head that what i expect is something out a movie

I know I'll be better off I really really know that. I feel like I'm having a nervous breakdown I just want everything to be normal.

Read 'Why does he do that?' by Lundy Bancroft. Also do the freedom program. Your new and peaceful life of having control and happiness is about to begin OP

The best thing you could do for your kids is to keep your home a peaceful place free of fear and manipulation. Stay apart from this man.

A good father takes an interest in their children. My DH works long hours but always does bath time and bedtime with DD, it's his chance to have one to one time with her.
You've done the right thing, you've been a single parent despite being with him. Splitting up with him means you now have the opportunity to meet someone who'll make you happy and care about you.

He is a horrible, manipulative, self-pitying and abusive addict. You did the right thing. He would never have changed. Your idea of normal has been very abusive. Give yourself and your DCs time to find a new normal. You will never regret this.

Does he have any redeeming features at all? I struggle to see any. He doesn't do his share of parenting. He doesn't share the emotional or financial responsibilities. He doesn't show love to the children or to you. He doesn't take any responsibility for his own wellbeing or Mrs,e any effort in anything other than pleading himself.

It's easy for us to say, but I'd want to get out of a relationship half as bad as this!

He will try to
Come
Back OP but do not let him. You and your children are far better off without this abusive man. Try to speak to a solicitor ASAP.
You are young - I bet good money you will meet somebody else who deserves you all.
Well done for getting rid of him x

A good normal father reads to his kids at bedtime asks about their day, knows their school friends names.
Attends their sports(cheers from the sidelines on a cold evening)and drops them to and from other activities.
As DC age they find common ground a shared hobby ie: supporting same sports team.
Plans picnics with kids on his days off,
Sits in their rooms to play whatever DC imagination wants to
Drops them to school after nightshift.
Uses 99.9% of his wage to feed clothe and educate his children
Loves cares and supports the mother of his children
Shows his DC how to love others.
A normal good father wants to be a part of the family he helped create.

MN doesn't normally have threads showing the good everyday roles fathers/mothers/parents play each and everyday in their DCs lives.
Above is just a snippet of my DHs normal week to week routine with our DC

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/docs/dominator-mr-right.pdf