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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Can you ever really believe the ex-gf?

62 replies

Needanewlife · 04/09/2017 15:35

BF and I have had our ups and downs but I thought things had stabilised and things were back to being good I had even reintroduced him back into my kids lives as it has been going well.

Yesterday I received a FB request message from some blonde who turns out to be his ex gf. He mentioned her when we first started dating but only really that she was crackers and he was glad to be finally rid. In her message she said that BF has been in touch with her for months and has been sending explicit messages, she also said they had shagged a few times. I felt sick reading it. I haven't confronted my bf nor have I replied to the blonde. He has spent a lot of time with us lately but there have been nights where hes gone MIA and he hasn't contacted me til the next day. My mind has been racing looking for signs but nothing screams at me other than him being a bit cagey with his phone but he said it's because little Miss Crazy used to go through it so he always has it with him.

I am going to ask him tonight when the kids have gone to bed Cant get childcare so it'll have to be at mine. How do I get him to prove it's lies? I feel sick

OP posts:

pog100 · 04/09/2017 15:38

Doesn't really sound like lies to me. I'm sorry. All you can do is ask him and judge his reaction dispassionately.

HoHoHoHo · 04/09/2017 15:38

I don't think he can prove she's lying or not. You could ask for screenshots of messages and dates so you can see if they match up with when he's been mia.

esk1mo · 04/09/2017 15:38

call his bluff and say she has provided evidence, screenshots etc.

or ask her for evidence?

Anecdoche · 04/09/2017 15:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Anatidae · 04/09/2017 15:40

You should be very suspicious of any man who describes his ex as crazy.

Maybe she's lying. Maybe she's not.
But the rest of your post suggests she's not

bitzy12 · 04/09/2017 15:41

Totally ask for proof, I had something similar recently. I asked her for proof and the other woman read the message and then blocked me lol. And blocked my dh before he had chance to message her. Some people are just or to hurt others. If it's true, she will more than happily provide you with evidence. Ask her for screen shots.

Offred · 04/09/2017 15:44

What were the 'ups and downs' that made you stop him being around your kids?

Always be deeply deeply suspicious of a man who describes his ex as 'crazy'. If he's not already telling her that you are crazy he will be very soon.

LilyMcClellan · 04/09/2017 15:48

Well, I can't speak for every man but on the whole I've found that the guys who seem to attract "crazy" women are the guys who do crazy-making shit like going MIA and being weirdly protective about their phones. Normal, dependable guys just don't do that shit.

Personally, I would go back to the blonde saying, "You can't just expect me to believe a stranger. I'm going to need screenshots of the conversations, with proof of dates. Then you'll be welcome to him, if that's what you want, although I'll warn you that he describes you as crazy." Then perhaps you'll get some more info. I wouldn't confront him without doing a little more research.

DoesAnyoneReadTheseThings · 04/09/2017 15:50

I'd believe her purely based on the fact he's called her crazy and said the reason he's cagey with his phone is because she used to go through it.

I would ask if she had screenshots etc though.

dailydance · 04/09/2017 16:02

I second whatdoesanyone said

HardcoreLadyType · 04/09/2017 16:06

You should be very suspicious of any man who describes his ex as crazy.

This.

hellsbellsmelons · 04/09/2017 16:07

Ask her for evidence.
That's how you respond.
If she has evidence then it's game over.
If she doesn't have evidence then it could be lies.
But he goes MIA etc...???
Not OK!!

user1493413286 · 04/09/2017 16:08

I'd find a bit more out from her; ask for specific nights that he was with her and try and work out whether it's accurate before confronting him. Chances are either way he will deny it and you'll be none the wiser.
I'm afraid though I don't know any girls that have ever made that up to someone's girlfriend.

sanasa · 04/09/2017 16:12

Ask for proof.
Dates times messages?
Ultimately, trust your gut instinct

Bibbitybobbitybollocks · 04/09/2017 16:18

How long have you been with him? Sounds like hard work already. Ups and downs, re- introducing to kids, MIA and now messages from women you don't know.
Naah I'd get rid if it especially if I didn't live with him. disclaimer I have little tolerance for drama and lack of trust in a relationship
But if it will help ask her for screen shots as pp said.

pinkhorse · 04/09/2017 16:19

This is an old classic..... oh my ex is crazy! No ...it's usually the case that the guy has done dodgy things and they paint the ex in an untrustworthy light so the new gf doesn't believe them.

Boatmistress17 · 04/09/2017 16:20

Ime his ex proved correct more than once. .

Bibbitybobbitybollocks · 04/09/2017 16:22

I mean get rid of the relationship btw not the messages. Apologies for extra ifs and its.

OfficerVanHalen · 04/09/2017 16:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BitchQueen90 · 04/09/2017 16:29

In my experience men who say they have a "crazy ex" have usually treated their ex like shit and are using the crazy line to get you on side quickly before the truth comes out.

She could well be lying, she could well be telling the truth. I expect your boyfriend will deny it though. Ask her if she has any screen shots of messages between them.

On a side note the relationship doesn't sound all too stable if you've had ups and downs, he goes MIA and he's cagey with his phone. Sounds like too much drama for me. Why would you have someone so unreliable around your kids?

misscph1973 · 04/09/2017 16:34

Personally I would run to the hills if my BF's ex contacted me - it's just too much drama, and it will only get worse.

TheNaze73 · 04/09/2017 16:34

There are two schools on psycho ex's & I personally wouldn't trust her as far as I could throw her

WhooooAmI24601 · 04/09/2017 16:38

The thing is, so many men (and women) begin relationships by saying "My ex was crackers" to justify awful behaviours and shut down any further comments/conversation about the relationship. I know DS1's Dad said it about me to a partner after we'd split up; the fact was he'd cheated and we split because of that. But it wouldn't have looked so good for him to admit "I behaved like a dick and treated her badly" so he used the "she's crackers" as a get-out. I suspect many men do this.

Ask his Ex for evidence if you feel the situation warrants it. Or block her from all your social media. But in a situation like yours his behaviour isn't great, so I'd dig deeper.

NachoAddict · 04/09/2017 16:40

I agree with asking her for screenshots and dates.

It could be either way to be honest. she could be the scorned woman out to cause trouble or he could be doing the dirty and she has had enough and is doing you a favour.

SuperSkyRocketing · 04/09/2017 16:48

In my experience men who say they have a "crazy ex" have usually treated their ex like shit and are using the crazy line to get you on side quickly before the truth comes out.

This ^^

He's already gone MIA with no explanation. From past experience I would trust her over him any day.

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