Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can you be friends with someone you fancy?

70 replies

SoftKittySillyKitty · 03/09/2017 17:52

Not just fancy in an acknowledgement of their attractiveness sort of way but find them irresistible, want to shag them senseless kind of way.

We used to be great mates until we slept together and discovered we had awesome sex.

But he is unable to commit to a relationship, is messed up over his ex and probably we are not compatible anyway.

There is no possibility of it going anywhere and so I am thinking I need to cut my losses and go NC.

WWYD?

OP posts:
Orlandointhewilderness · 03/09/2017 17:53

go NC. Surefire way to get hurt.

Original poster
SoftKittySillyKitty · 03/09/2017 17:58

Yes, that's what I'm afraid of. That I'll get hurt.

OP posts:
mylittlepony6 · 03/09/2017 18:00

NC only way. You can't be plutonic friends if you fancy someone

blueskyred · 03/09/2017 18:03

It's entirely up to you and him whether you can rescue the friendship, be happy with FWB or whatever. Invite him for coffee or a drink and talk about it?

Original poster
SoftKittySillyKitty · 03/09/2017 18:03

Can it ever work though? I guess I'm struggling a bit because it's a 10 plus year friendship I'm potentially losing.

OP posts:
Original poster
SoftKittySillyKitty · 03/09/2017 18:04

I don't ever want to get into a FWB situation because I would be lying to myself. I am in love with him. It wasn't just sex.

OP posts:
blueskyred · 03/09/2017 18:08

unfortunately if you're in love with him the only way is to move on and NC. sorry.
otherwise, you'll hurt and resent him. it's torture.

TheNaze73 · 03/09/2017 18:12

He's told you he doesn't want a relationship, take him at his word

Original poster
SoftKittySillyKitty · 03/09/2017 18:15

I do Naze. I'm not holding out hope that he'll change his mind. Just wondering whether it's possible to be friends with someone you're in love with.

OP posts:
godconfusion · 03/09/2017 18:21

No, it's not. Resentment will happen.

Go NC. If he suddenly realised he wanted you... he'd find you. In the meantime move on Wine

Totallyconfused2 · 03/09/2017 18:25

Bless you, what an awful situation. I'd have to go NC i think.

Original poster
SoftKittySillyKitty · 03/09/2017 18:28

I think the likelihood of him wanting me now is pretty much zero anyway. He cancelled a meet up at the very last minute - I was literally left sitting like a lemon in a restaurant - and I had a melt down. Blush

Told him he was disrespectful and arrogant and never to call me again.

I think he'll go along with that TBH.

I'm feeling embarrassed though at my overreaction. But it reinforces NC being the way to go.

OP posts:
Original poster
SoftKittySillyKitty · 03/09/2017 21:16

Thank you for the Wine and support Gin

OP posts:
falleninlove · 03/09/2017 21:26

Please please don't do this. I speak from experience and I am still struggling with the fall out several months later. I am still completely in love with him, even though he has been very honest about the fact that he does not want a relationship. I can't currently get over it, despite trying as hard as I can and it is a desperate feeling. Walk away before you get in too deep and can't get out.

Original poster
SoftKittySillyKitty · 03/09/2017 21:30

falleninlove - I really feel for you, it's awful loving someone who doesn't want the same things as you.

Mine does love me but is terrified of commitment.

He wants to be friends but I cannot be friends with someone I am in love with, knowing it will never be a proper relationship.

He has at least one other female friend who is in love with him too. She is married with kids now but has always held a torch for him. I do not want to be like her. She has been pining for him over 15 years, accepting his friendship as some sort of consolation prize.

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 03/09/2017 21:33

Go NC. Stop making excuses for his poor treatment of women, eg "not ready", "terrified". He sounds like a cliched commitmentphobe!

Original poster
SoftKittySillyKitty · 03/09/2017 21:36

I am going to go NC.

But just wondering for my own sake, how bad was to give him a price of my mind at him cancelling at the last minute? It was rude right? It's not just me overreacting?

OP posts:
Original poster
SoftKittySillyKitty · 03/09/2017 21:36

*piece of my mind

OP posts:
RoderickRules · 03/09/2017 21:40

It depends why he didn't show...

Rushing to hospital with sick relative- not rude.
Better offer- very fucking rude.

Stop wondering what he is thinking, and draw a line.
The friendship is gone.

plantsitter · 03/09/2017 21:42

Your reaction was perfect and he deserved it. Now really, really, please go NC.

In 2, 3, 5 years time you'll look back and see that he is not afraid of commitment or messed up over his ex. He is just not a very nice man, and you deserve someone to love you who is a nice man.

falleninlove · 03/09/2017 21:43

Loopy is right. Go NC. I have tried several times and failed. We have not physically set eyes on each other since May but we are still in contact via email every couple of days. He still wants to be friends and I just can't face never having him in my life, so I have just gone along with it and reply each time pretending everything is fine. It's a pretty depressing state of affairs and I know that I am the only person who can help myself but it is just so hard.

Original poster
SoftKittySillyKitty · 03/09/2017 21:44

He said he couldn't meet up because he knew what would happen, that we would end up having sex and he didn't want me to get hurt.

OP posts:
plantsitter · 03/09/2017 21:46

And he couldn't just ring you and tell you beforehand like a normal person? No, he had to test you to see if you would go first. Because he enjoys the drama and control.

Take it back.

Original poster
SoftKittySillyKitty · 03/09/2017 21:48

He texted about an hour beforehand but I didn't get it until I was already at the restaurant.

How long would it have been acceptable to cancel do you think? I'm really confused.

OP posts:
SheldonsSpot · 03/09/2017 21:50

He sounds thoroughly unpleasant tbh, not like a good man at all.

No contact. But I guarantee you when he wants his ego or something else stroking he'll be back in touch.