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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Can you be friends with someone you fancy?

70 replies

SoftKittySillyKitty · 03/09/2017 17:52

Not just fancy in an acknowledgement of their attractiveness sort of way but find them irresistible, want to shag them senseless kind of way.

We used to be great mates until we slept together and discovered we had awesome sex.

But he is unable to commit to a relationship, is messed up over his ex and probably we are not compatible anyway.

There is no possibility of it going anywhere and so I am thinking I need to cut my losses and go NC.

WWYD?

OP posts:

Original poster

SoftKittySillyKitty · 04/09/2017 23:41

It's hard not keep thinking of his other ex-shag still pining away after 15 years

Well, I think that's it really. She went on to marry someone else and have kids. But still pines after him and has "alternative husband" dates with him, all with the blessing of her DH.

The other woman he's keeping dangling is a single parent who is a few years older than him and is grateful for his attention at all. So she accepts his liaisons and doesn't give him a hard time.

I think he was hoping I'd go along similar lines. And when I freaked out, he shut me down as a drama queen. And I really think he believes he is right there. I mean all these other women in his life enable him so I must be wrong by not to.

As I write this I realise that he is sounding more and more like a twat. So I need to keep hold of that.

OP posts:

DarthMaiden · 05/09/2017 00:19

I think the rose tinted glasses are coming off....

He's not nice is he?

Stringing along at least 3 women at the same time - all "grateful" for the attention he gives until someone asks for more than he is willing to give.

He sounds emotionally abusive to me quite frankly.

This lavish attention until you "rebel" and then any fracture in the "friendship" is your fault. Lesson learned - don't be so damn needy, you want him, you play his game of being a puppet on a string. When you apologise his "lovely" qualities will resurface and he'll be the best friend ever, until the next shag...rinse and repeat...

This "pull/push" behaviour is typical of abusive men - "you made me hit you", "you forced me to be mean for your own good", "it wasn't my fault, you over reacted", "I was trying to help you but you're so needy". Gaslighting you into thinking you are the one with the issues....look at your posts - you think you were unreasonable to him when he ditched you in a restaurant? Really? He was being noble? No - he was a shit and was called on it and he did not like it.

Sod that - he is the sort of tosser that will look sad and pathetic, still playing the same game in his late 50's thinking he's charm personified but wake up one day and wonder where are his fuck buddies have gone.

The answer for most women is on better pursuits than indulging his ego and having a life of their own, in relationships that are fulfilling - for some it will still be indulging his shitty behaviour and pining away - don't be one of those people, it's a waste of life, love, happiness and most of all self respect.

YellowAardvark · 05/09/2017 01:11

Fact is you probably only had your freak out about him cancelling because he's got you trapped in a corner emotionally so you can't blame yourself.

OP I was in a very similar situation until about 3 weeks ago. It was shit and felt like a proper breakup but now a little time has passed and we are back in touch in a low key way (that I am in control of) I feel better than I have in a long time as I have my power and dignity back.

Happy to start a support group as well

YellowAardvark · 05/09/2017 01:14

Also this helped me a lot - I made a series of lists, one of all the times I lost dignity (ie was too available), one of all the things he did that were red flags, and one of nice things he'd said - not to lull myself into a false place but it helps to be reminded that being rejected as a mate and being rejected as a person are different things

Original poster

SoftKittySillyKitty · 05/09/2017 01:25

Thank you Aardvark. That is really helpful advice and it is really true about being rejected as a mate is NOT the same as being rejected as a person.

I think that's the bit I need to really hold on to. To not succumb to feeling like I'm an undesirable person just because he couldn't commit to me.

OP posts:

YellowAardvark · 05/09/2017 06:40

NC is SO important as well if you can. I have been back in touch with my friend because we see each other anyway due to overlapping lives I can't avoid him and sometimes going NC is more emotional effort than being in touch in a low key way. But, I am in complete control of our interactions now which I wasn't before although tbh total NC would be easier. If I knew I wouldn't be bumping into him at least once a week that's what I'd still be doing probably.

On NC I read about the 10 day mark is when most people fail I did and three weeks is an ideal minimum if that helps.

I still find it hard at times, but largely it's being annoyed at myself for being so pathetic about everything than anything else now.

RidingRossPoldark · 05/09/2017 20:28

How are you doing, Soft? Stay strong...

guiltybystander · 05/09/2017 20:33

He is not commitmentphobe. He is just not that into you.

Original poster

SoftKittySillyKitty · 05/09/2017 20:45

Thanks for that helpful remark guilty

OP posts:

Original poster

SoftKittySillyKitty · 05/09/2017 20:48

To everyone else, I'm doing OK. Thank you for your kind words and support.

He texted to say that he was scared of the hold I had over him. That it filled him with anxiety because every relationship he has been in has ended badly and he can't bear that to happen with us.

I did text back. Just to say I understood his position and respected his choice not to be in a relationship with me.

Now just trying to keep strong and stay away from the phone.

OP posts:

RidingRossPoldark · 05/09/2017 20:57

If he likes you that much, surely he'd be prepare to risk it? He wouldn't be able to help himself if he felt that deeply for you. You are just as worried about losing the friendship but you are willing to give it a chance. If he doesn't feel able to try, it will be painful for you, esp. if he sleeps with someone else or starts seeing someone else and this is why you are doing exactly the right thing-staying away from the phone...good luck

plantsitter · 05/09/2017 21:00

Were those your actual words?? If they were, you're a-bloody-mazing woman!

Original poster

SoftKittySillyKitty · 05/09/2017 21:06

Thank you plantsitter
Yes, that's pretty much what I wrote word for word. Im glad you think it was a good approach, I just said what I meant I suppose, and hopefully I've managed to walk away with some grace and dignity. Which I most certainly lost a little of when I was pining away!

Yes RidingRossPoldark. That's what I think too. If he wants it then he knows where I am and what to do.

Meanwhile I'm just trying to get with my own life. Go to the gym, get fit. Drink less and lose a bit of weight. Focus on me, not him.

OP posts:

plantsitter · 05/09/2017 21:08

Yes. Well done. Time for a bit of self-love. You deserve it.

Original poster

SoftKittySillyKitty · 05/09/2017 21:11

time for a bit of self-love

Yep, I did indeed take a trip to the battery operated merchandise section of Ann Summers! 😂

OP posts:

plantsitter · 05/09/2017 21:12

Ha! The best kind!

userxx · 05/09/2017 22:00

Riding is spot on, I'm in a situation where we are still friends and I'm hearing about his dating escapades. It hurts. Really fucking hurts.

Original poster

SoftKittySillyKitty · 05/09/2017 22:06

Thanks for posting userxx. I'm really sorry for what you're going through. It really does fucking hurt doesn't it. If you don't me asking, how are you able to be friends? The reason why I've decided to go NC is exactly because it is so fucking painful to be close. So I'm curious how you are able to do it.

OP posts:

DarthMaiden · 05/09/2017 22:11

Well done OP. Good, strong dignified response to his text.

Glad to hear your are focusing on yourself. Keep doing that as much as possible.

Good luck

userxx · 05/09/2017 22:30

I say friends but it's more texting and chatting at arms distance. I know the right thing is to just stop answering his calls but it's a 30 year friendship. I keep thinking I can be grown up about this and move past it but maybe I can't.

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