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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can you be friends with someone you fancy?

70 replies

SoftKittySillyKitty · 03/09/2017 17:52

Not just fancy in an acknowledgement of their attractiveness sort of way but find them irresistible, want to shag them senseless kind of way.

We used to be great mates until we slept together and discovered we had awesome sex.

But he is unable to commit to a relationship, is messed up over his ex and probably we are not compatible anyway.

There is no possibility of it going anywhere and so I am thinking I need to cut my losses and go NC.

WWYD?

OP posts:
WesternMeadowlark · 03/09/2017 21:51

I had to ditch a friend I had feelings for this year, partly because he was a bit inconsiderate about it, and the loss of the friendship was probably the most painful part.

I didn't realise how feelings can grow in a friendship even if you just ignore the crush. I think it's because, as you're friends with them, you get attention from them sometimes, which creates an intermittent reinforcement effect, so you end up more hooked than you would be on someone who returned your feelings or someone who paid you no attention at all.

If that applies to you, then the good news about that is that while it feels emotional, it's mostly mental conditioning. The bad news is that going NC may be the only way to break conditioning, because you need to not be getting any reinforcement at all. It's like an addiction, and you need to go cold turkey.

Original poster
SoftKittySillyKitty · 03/09/2017 21:51

I guess you're right Sheldon. But I think my perspective has become skewed as we have been friends for over a decade.

OP posts:
plantsitter · 03/09/2017 21:54

If I was cancelling on a friend I would call them not text unless it was well before. For the very reason that I would hate them to show up and end up waiting on their own.

I'm sure he's very charming and believable - I've been there, I don't think you're at fault at all, and certainly not stupid - but you need to open your eyes. He is not nice. He is disrespectful and arrogant, in your own words.

Winosaurus · 03/09/2017 21:56

Sorry OP he is not in love with you, get that notion out of your head. He may say those words but if you love someone you would want a relationship with them, not stand them up and do whatever you can to make it work.
He's playing you, sorry to break it to you.

Original poster
SoftKittySillyKitty · 03/09/2017 21:59

To be fair to him though, I live 5 mins away from the restaurant and it was only because I was in the pub next door with a friend that I missed his text at the time. I know I sound like I'm making excuses for him but I just want to put the whole picture out there so that I know I'm being as fair as possible.

OP posts:
Original poster
SoftKittySillyKitty · 03/09/2017 22:01

He said he wanted to meet up in a week or so, in a "dry" place like a cinema or museum I.e. Not a pub or restaurant because the temptation to have sex after a few drinks would be too strong.

OP posts:
happypoobum · 03/09/2017 22:02

Men and women can be friends, but you cannot be friends with him if you know that you are in love with him.

Imagine meeting up and he brings along a woman and says "Meet Nicky, we're getting married." Your little heart would break. Also, the fact he has at least one other woman dangling like this is ringing alarms bells for me. Sounds like he enjoys the attention and ego boost from having a fan club.

Have you ever looked at www.baggagereclaim.co.uk I think it could be quite an eye opener for you OP.

NC is the only option here. Flowers

Rinkydinkypink · 03/09/2017 22:03

I agree NC is the only way. I tried everyother way and my head was a mess as a result. It got nasty.

Love51 · 03/09/2017 22:05

Being friends with people you fancy a bit is great, surely.
Unrequited love is a whole different ball game.

plantsitter · 03/09/2017 22:07

OP please stop letting him call the shots. You choose whether to be in his thrall or not.

He does not want a relationship with you.

Every time you meet, in the back of your mind you'll be looking for clues that he does in fact now want a relationship with you. And he'll be feeding off your admiration and playing you.

Can you tell I've been there? Wink Find your anger!

Original poster
SoftKittySillyKitty · 03/09/2017 22:10

I know you're all right, NC is the best way to deal with this.

I guess it's just that he has said he'd be gutted to lose me in his life that yanks my chain. Sad

OP posts:
NiteFlights · 03/09/2017 22:13

Walk away.

It won't get any better. It will hurt less if you break it off now and move on.

Bobbiepin · 03/09/2017 22:19

I might be going against popular opinion here but I don't think you need to drop the friendship completely. Definitely take some time and space from him for a while, get over him and then see how things are. Be honest with him about what you're doing.

I was in a similar type of situation, we tried to remain friends and it got messy and heartbreaking. We took the time apart and are good friends now. It is possible

ApuskiDoo · 03/09/2017 22:20

No contact. Because otherwise you'll never be able to meet someone else who loves you back and who treats you well.

Which you will by the way. SmileFlowers

Original poster
SoftKittySillyKitty · 03/09/2017 22:30

Bobbiepin thanks for your post. I appreciate it.
How long did it take for you to get back to normal
again and are you/he still in love?

OP posts:
Leogohelp · 03/09/2017 22:34

Was in a similar situation - messed up over ex wife and just couldn't commit to anything real. I stuck around and stayed his best friend. Was very painful when he dated other women (had a few threads on here but have NC) and I lost a lot of weight through the upset of it all. Happily we did eventually get it together and we're now living together and having a baby. He still thanks me for refusing to give up on him. I would have said the same as you (that he would never change his mind) because I didn't dare hope it might be true.

Bobbiepin · 03/09/2017 22:41

I had a crush on him for a couple of months, we dated for roughly the same. Break up was hard but was unrelated to our friendship. Didn't give it enough time after and tried to be friends again, but I wasn't over him. Lots of big fallings out, we went NC for just short of a year I think (we were very close before all of this, would see eachother 2/3 times a week prior to relationship so was a big change).

We ended up having a long phone conversation after that, I wasn't completely over him but the distance helped. We agreed it wasn't the right time for us (he didn't want a relationship and had other problems going on). Tbh I woke up the next morning feeling much better, like a massive weight was lifted. I met DH the next week and we've been together for 8 years. I wouldn't have been open to DH if we hadn't had that space because I was still under the illusion of something happening.

We aren't nearly as close as we were to begin with, which is a shame but we also have grown up a lot and are in different places in our lives (and live on opposite sides of the city rather than 20 mins away). We aren't in love but I consider him to be very important to me.

DarthMaiden · 03/09/2017 22:57

Frankly no I don't think you can be friends - simply because he's not being a friend to you.

This supposedly chivalry of not meeting you so you didn't get hurt, didn't occur to him before he had sex with you did it?

He's got form for this, as you have posted. Another "friend" who got shagged and dumped.

To be honest he sounds like a total cock.

Go NC and don't look back. He's not who you think he is. I know someone similar who has loads of female "friends". It's not that dissimilar to grooming tbh. He's a "great friend" but can't/won't commit. Keeps all these women round him waiting for him to change. Showers them with friendship/attention - then fucks and fucks off. Yet they hang in their - I have no idea why - maybe they almost feel it's a competition for what is the worlds worst prize Hmm

Walk away - he's bad news and won't change.

Original poster
SoftKittySillyKitty · 04/09/2017 14:35

Darth, I find myself nodding in agreement with so much of what you say.

It is really hard though. He is popular and has lots of friends. Made me feel special right until we started sleeping together then he became the worst friend imaginable. Would ignore messages, turn up late, stopped treating me with respect.

And when I finally lost my patience and gave him a piece of my mind, he turned it around that I was being unpleasant and nasty.

I know I'm better off without him. But unfortunately I do love him. I've loved him for years. But he is toxic.

OP posts:
RidingRossPoldark · 04/09/2017 15:04

soft why would he respect you when you don't respect yourself? Read back your account of how he has treated you and ask yourself why you don't respect yourself enough to cut ties with this guy. Seriously, you are asking over and over whether you were too rude to him? The guy who changed his tune as soon as he slept with you. Come on girl, you deserve better. Listen to advice up thread, stop obsessing about this...dump him.

Original poster
SoftKittySillyKitty · 04/09/2017 15:08

I agree with you Riding. Today is day 3 of NC.

It is painful to accept that someone I thought cared about me actually doesn't.

OP posts:
RidingRossPoldark · 04/09/2017 15:11

We have all been there-it's a pain in the neck. Just keep strong, there is an NC thread or keep posting here. Write the facts down, you already have actually on this thread. Keep reading to remind yourself. Don't be like that other woman, pining for him for 15 years. You WILL get over this and find someone worth your time.

Original poster
SoftKittySillyKitty · 04/09/2017 15:16

Thank you Riding. Your words of strength are helping me more than you know.

OP posts:
Bobbiepin · 04/09/2017 16:13

softkitty the others are right. Ignore everything I said. The guy sounds like a dick and you deserve better.

DarthMaiden · 04/09/2017 21:29

He cares about being popular and having a plethora of adoring fans. Sadly no, he doesn't care about you individually.

His actions prove this.

He turned it round on you because he can't possibly be to blame can he? I mean he's so godamn popular, everyone loves him - he's not in the wrong....he's been kind being honest with you that it was just a shag and you're being unreasonable and overly emotional - that's so uncool and boring...Hmm

It's hard not keep thinking of his other ex-shag still pining away after 15 years. What a waste....especially over someone so obviously self centred and egotistical.

He's not Stacee Jaxx and you are not a fucking groupie....

Block him on your phone and social media. Go out with some real friends. Keep busy. Start a new project/hobby.

3 days will become 3 weeks, months and years and you'll look back and think that god that narcissistic, bellended cockwomble is out of my life Grin

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