Porn and insecurity

[RaspberryBlueberry]

What's provoked me to start this topic, is finding out my partner was watching porn while I was pregnant and up until now (4 months post baby).

I'm really hurt by it because I've never felt so insecure in my life, and he didn't look in my direction once while I was pregnant (second pregnancy, first pregnancy we still had sex every other day). So I felt like he didn't fancy me... Fine, maybe he didn't... but I hate my postpartum body so so much right now, and have been having sex with him despite a slow healing c section and despite feeling uncomfortable because I hate myself. So I'm upset to find out he's still using porn, I'm obviously not good enough. Aside from the fact it's a vile industry and I didn't realise he was so disrespectful of women. But that's a whole other topic.

Now I can't take a hammering ATM because I'm fragile so please don't make it all about what a jealous cunt I am.

But how do others feel about porn in a relationship? I'm aware it's my insecurity making me feel this way so I want to hear some rational opinions.

Talking to myself here but, one scenario, I was really ill after birth and was alone in hospital with the baby because we didn't have childcare. He was at home happily wanking over someone else while I was crying because I was struggling on my own. It's things like that where I don't know if I'm blowing it out of proportion or if it's normal and doesn't reflect on his feelings/respect towards me. I have no friends to compare or sound things off and I'm an insecure mess right now. I feel self conscious even going outside because of the way I look, it's just the worst time to find this out. But is that him or me being the issue?

Raspberry It sounds really tough for you right now.
Of course you ARE good enough.
It is difficult to measure up to a porn star and some women have issues with their body after birth without porn in the equation.
Some times it can be part of postnatal depression and counselling can help to feel better.
Porn is based on a lie. Women have to take something to be able to perform without feeling too much pain. Men have to take something to last long enough. Scenes are edited so the grin of pain is taken out of the woman's face. No woman would want to experience this kind of one sided sex. Sadly men who watch a lot of it tend to want this in the bedroom and get disappointed when the reality does not measure up.
You are not the only one to feel this way. And your partner needs to know how it makes you feel. Have you told him?

His opinion is I'm over reacting and he only did it because I wasn't having sex with him. But during that time I was the one trying to initiate sex, and he's been doing it now while we have been having regular sex.

That's what I hate, I don't want to be compared to a porn star. I don't want him to get off looking at that sort of image. I don't want my sex life and my confidence to be based on comparisons to porn. I hate it. But so many women are fine with it and I wish I could be.

So many women are not fine with it. What others do does not matter. What matter is what you are both comfortable with.

Raspberry - you are in a tough place... I am sorry. Post partum body, second baby - it's all draining and difficult. It will get better.

A few things caught my attention. You mentioning that you are 'making yourself' have sex despite not enjoying it. - You really, really shouldn't have to do it. It not anyone should ever do!!!!!
And you 'hating your body'.

You are so, so tough on yourself.
No one can take this much pressure. You will be OK, your body will get back to shape. Baby will become less tiring. And you'll adjust as a family.

Porn itself. I do think your reaction is a reflection of how low you are feeling. I watch porn too (as many other women, too). Use it for a quick release, as a visual aid. Sometimes, when I feel like that.
Never compare my real life partners to the men in porn.

Your husband won't compare you to those visuals either. Or, to whoever else he imagines when he wanks - and people do imagine things/people/experiences other than sex with spouses when they masturbate. (Shocking as it maybe).

You feel low now. I hope it will get better for you soon.

Aww op that's horrible sorry you're feeling so low. I hate porn and how its accepted as normal and "everyone does it" now. You're definitely not the only woman who feels sick knowing her partner does it - you just need to Google search and you'll find forums of women feeling shit cos their man is choosing a random porn star over them.

Please talk to your partner and tell him everything you've told us. Don't have sex if you're not ready. And don't accept it and blame your "insecurities" if you hate the idea. Your thoughts and opinions matter and are valid, despite the pressure society puts on us to laugh it off and accept it.

Hugs to you. Be kind to yourself xx

Stick to your guns OP, you don't have to accept it if you don't want to. There are many, many women who feel the way you do, and I'm positive that the easy availability and proliferation of porn nowadays is extremely damaging to many people's understanding of sexuality and their own body. Your partner doesn't NEED to use porn. Try to talk to him and make him realise what a negative impact it has on your relationship if you're struggling while he's merrily lusting over a parade of other women without a care for you. So selfish.

This. Fightthenewdrug.org is a great resource about the affects of porn. Check this out. It's not only you:

fightthenewdrug.org/how-porn-hurts-a-consumers-partner/?utm_source=facebook&utm_medium=organic_social&utm_campaign=ftnd_general

I don't understand why on mumsnet most people assume all porn is sexist and degrading towards the women? Why do you most people assume their forced into it?

I know someone who worked in the porn industry.
She NEVER once took any drug. She was never forced or talked into doing something she didn't want to. She loved it. She only left as she wanted to settle down and have a family.

Believe it or not, some women CHOOSE to go into porn. They aren't all skint, bad backgrounds etc. To assume all women in porn couldn't possibly want to do it just insults women, because some women DO want to do it.

Yes, there is some grubby porn out there, but not all of it is. But that's the same for anything. Do you only buy clothes that are 100% organic? If not, you're probably supporting child labour where they're forced to work for 15 hours a day for 70p.

As for your problems, I would get rid of him based on the fact he left you crying alone and isn't very supportive. Whether he was watching porn or not, that would be it for me.

You are entitled to dislike porn. But you're not entitled to expect your partner to stop using it just because YOU feel insecure.

Looking at porn makes me feel sick because I know that if someone was to shag me like that I would be in so much pain. And this is where the norm is set.

If he choses to watch porn, that is his choice. You cannot dictate to him.

There is nothing wrong with porn and he is doing nothing wrong. He does not disrespect women because he enjoys it. To be honest this is an issue of yours that you need to address. For lack of a better phrase, get over it.

It's really not a big deal.

SparklingRaspberry summed it up perfectly for me too.

With the greatest of respects, RaspberryBlueberry, when you were ill and alone in hospital and he was wanking away at home, he was being an utter dick.

Having a porn addicted partner is rubbish and his behaviour must be making you feel crap. But I bet you any money you don't look as bad as you feel, and you won't feel like this forever.

He's being selfish, frankly.

Try sitting him down and having a non-confrontational word with him about it - explain just how shit it makes you feel and that you're trying your best but his habit makes you feel terrible. He may try to weasel out of it by saying he needs it to relax or something, but stick to your guns. If he's a decent bloke, he should see how upset his habit is making you and change his ways.

If not, he's a dick and you deserve much better.

For the sake of giving productive advice just in case...
Depending on how lenient you want to be about this, you could try bargaining with him - some people (AKA addicts) seem to think porn is a god given right for some reason, so will refuse to give it up.
Ask him to limit his consumption of it to a certain amount (e.g. once a week, only when you're out of the house, etc.) or request that he watches a different type like amateur stuff, where the people are 'real' and not all plastic, chiseled, silicone-filled or naturally perfect.

Just know, whatever happens, that you deserve better than this. Your body has done the most difficult and dangerous thing most of us will ever go through - TWICE - and needs time to unwind. Before you know it, your body will be back to normal and your scar will be completely healed - and hopefully your husband will have sorted his blooming priorities out by then!

So regardless of whether he's having sex with you or not, he is still using porn; OP, you have to change your mindset and stop thinking it's you with the problem, it really isn't.

Some on here will tell you porn is fine and to get over it, regardless of the fact that you don't like it, it makes you feel shit and your partner is making you feel not good enough.

What do you think that means, it means it does bother you and you don't have to accept it so stop thinking just because others have no conscience about using it or that your feelings don't matter means they are right and you are wrong, stop comparing yourself to him or others.

Fact is you don't want it in your relationship, if he can't stop it then it's his problem not yours, you'd think he'd be a bit bloody sensitive considering you've just had his baby and stop having uncomfortable sex with him just to keep him happy, it makes me mad to read women are turning themselves inside out to provide sex on a plate when they are neither ready or up for it!

Sorry it took me so long to come back to this, I was feeling a bit fragile and couldn't face it. Thankyou for the responses.

We've talked a lot and he has said he's sorry and he doesn't want to do it now that he knows it hurts me, and that he does fancy me no matter what changes have happened to me. I don't believe him though, when he's been lusting over women who look nothing like me.

I wish I could get over it and I'm trying. I don't want to be this insecure.

"I know someone who worked in the porn industry.
...She loved it. "

"There is nothing wrong with porn and he is doing nothing wrong. ..... For lack of a better phrase, get over it."

Oh, we see a lot of this on MN. Women love porn... they watch it all the time themselves... they love being in porn.. they pour scorn on a woman who doesn't like her partner watching it because it's harmless and wholesome and she should just 'get over it'...

RaspberryBlueberry, you aren't alone; and I have as rational an opinion as anyone else, I guess. Porn is not women's friend, though people who sell it and people who use it have worked hard to make it seem as if it is.

YOU don't like it...there's nothing wrong with that... many of us feel the same way. What you want matters.

Probably you won't ever change his mind or his habits, what with everyone working very hard to get the message across ''Porn is fine! it's wonderful! women love it too!' and if I were in your shoes I'd give up on this relationship, wave him goodbye, and tell him sincerely 'you go off and enjoy porn, as much of it as you like, and find yourself one of those many women who love it too. I'm not one of them."

A few years ago, a team of researchers looked at 50 of the most popular porn films—the ones purchased and rented most often. [1] Of the 304 scenes the movies contained, 88% contained physical violence and 49% contained verbal aggression. On average, only one scene in 10 didn’t contain any aggression, and the typical scene averaged 12 physical or verbal attacks. One particularly disturbing scene managed to fit in 128!

(...) In 2016, a team of leading researchers compiled all the research they could find on the subject. [9] After examining twenty-two studies they concluded that the research left, “little doubt that, on the average, individuals who consume pornography more frequently are more likely to hold attitudes conducive [favorable] to sexual aggression and engage in actual acts of sexual aggression.”

source fightthenewdrug.org/how-consuming-porn-can-lead-to-violence/
No wonder it makes you feel uncomfortable!

RaspberryBlueberry, I'm glad he's apologised. Let's hope he stops looking at that sort of thing now that he knows what it's doing to you!

I've always resented the 'I think you're sexy just the way you are' thing. If I'm so sexy then why do you watch porn featuring women who look literally the exact opposite of me?

Start sticking up photos of hunky shirtless men in the bedroom, maybe then he'll have some empathy!

Raspberry - you recently had a baby. And and you are tired, and toddler+baby is a lot of work.
It's hard to tell - but you may have baby blues, or a bit of depression too.
It happens. Hopefully it'll pass. If not - if you continue to feel down - do ask for help.
I had PND, and knew a few women who did too, some who didn't recognise it in time - and suffered longer that necessary.

You won't hear it now - you are too low and unhappy for that - but maybe it'll come back to you later.
You know - how, lets say, on a beach you'll see a man younger and fitter than your husband. And you'll recognise that he is attractive. You mind will register that. But at the same time - you will not have any desire to get up and leave your H. And would still find your H attractive, etc.
Or - if you ever remember - playing with yourself and having some fantasy - about real men, or imaginary ones.

None of that made your partner less attractive for you.

In a relationship - physical attributes - who one looks is part of the attraction. And then, there is a connection, emotions that you feel for your partner. That bit - connection is important and doesn't change. That's why some (temporary) changes to your body post-baby DOESNT make you suddenly unattractive to your husband.
Same if he loses hair and puts on a bit of weight, etc.
Your H leaves home and sees younger and fitter women every day, everywhere. Just because they are clothed - doesn't mean they don't look attractive to the other gender.
And yet - men, husbands come home and still want their wives.
Wanking to porn - is artificial. It's for quick release. It doesn't make him want you less.
(If - when you wanted sex - he chose not to and turned on porn instead - then, yes. That is a problem. But it's not what happens, right?6

You won't hear this now - or won't believe it - but I think it's more because of your state of mind...

It will get better!!!!!

What I hate to read: a woman trying to get over it.

OP, no, you don't have to get over anything, he's a git and you have just had his baby so him wanking over models is not going to make you feel great is it, I also advocate pics of sexy shirtless men around the place, that will soon make him realise what it feels like.

4 months post baby and he doesn't realise, nah, he just doesn't care, I hope he now does.

Wanking to porn - is artificial. It's for quick release. It doesn't make him want you less.

It can and does, it's on here all the time.

Why are women queuing up to tell a woman that her husband preferring to watch porn than have sex with her is a good thing?

Histiny - because her husband is not watching porn INSTEAD of sleeping with the OP.
It's when the OP is not there, or doesn't want sex.
It's no different to women masturbating.

You are wrong Josuk:

His opinion is I'm over reacting and he only did it because I wasn't having sex with him. But during that time I was the one trying to initiate sex, and he's been doing it now while we have been having regular sex.

He's a disrespectful git.

I find the big porn advocates on mn often have a problem with reading comprehension.