Porn and insecurity

[RaspberryBlueberry]

What's provoked me to start this topic, is finding out my partner was watching porn while I was pregnant and up until now (4 months post baby).

I'm really hurt by it because I've never felt so insecure in my life, and he didn't look in my direction once while I was pregnant (second pregnancy, first pregnancy we still had sex every other day). So I felt like he didn't fancy me... Fine, maybe he didn't... but I hate my postpartum body so so much right now, and have been having sex with him despite a slow healing c section and despite feeling uncomfortable because I hate myself. So I'm upset to find out he's still using porn, I'm obviously not good enough. Aside from the fact it's a vile industry and I didn't realise he was so disrespectful of women. But that's a whole other topic.

Now I can't take a hammering ATM because I'm fragile so please don't make it all about what a jealous cunt I am.

But how do others feel about porn in a relationship? I'm aware it's my insecurity making me feel this way so I want to hear some rational opinions.

It is a distortion of real life and can make men disconnected emotionally and they objectify women. There is no love/respect in the porn industry. People are not pieces of meat.

There is no love/respect in the porn industry.

I'm not watching it to see love and respect 😂

The op pointed out that her husband was preoccupied by porn at a time when his mind should have been prioritising his family.

He was not watching it for that either, obviously. Hey ho, it trumped loving and respecting his wife at her most vulnerable time. Not much funny about that.

It's everyone's choice if they accept this.

That's on him, then. My regular porn use doesn't affect my relationship, intimacy, respect or emotional support with my DH.

"I'm not watching it to see love and respect"

Uuh thanks for confirming that porn users don't want to see women treated with respect, I guess.

OP didn't say that he was preoccupied by porn, or that he watched it compulsively.
She just said that
(1)he wasn't attracted to her when she was pregnant
(2) that now they do have regular sex (she practically forced herself, despite not being ready) and that he watches porn IN ADDITION to sex with her.

Point (1) - you all seem to fixate upon. And - he should have been more supportive. Made her feel more loved, even if he didn't feel as attracted.

Point (2) - is really where so many women get hang and bothered.
Men (many, and possibly most heathy ones) masturbate in addition to having sex with partners. There is no intimacy, no connection in that. It's a quick release.
And - they don't have to inform/include their partners in that. Demanding to know about how one masturbates, and feeling the need to control it I find 🤷🏻‍♀️.
Porn is an aid to that solo act.
If not porn - men would be imagining something in their heads - do you want to control that too? HOW?
(Or are you under illusion that your partners only imagine YOU when they masturbate?)

Of course - obsessive porn viewing and not paying attention to your partner is damaging to a relationships.
Obsessive ANYTHING is bad.
OP is not in that situation.

(Similar to the question I asked before. Whoever asked your partner - 'if I watched lots of porn with hunky men and pleasured myself and didn't tell you' - seriously.
What a way to rig the answer to what you want to hear....
Couldn't you just ask - 'if I sometimes get horny, and you are not around, or not in the mood - and I wank to porn' - do you think the answer might have been different...)

It's not so much about controlling someone, more about boundaries and expectations of respect. Of course people fantasise and self sooth but using porn whilst your wife should be paramount in your mind after giving birth is highly insensitive and disrespectful.

Uuh thanks for confirming that porn users don't want to see women treated with respect, I guess.

Very few people would want to watch a loving couple have sex. It's just not interesting. I watch porn because I want to see people fuck, not make love.

(And yes, you can absolutely respect someone while having a good fuck.)

Your responses are indicative of the complete lack of empathy/compassion that this sort of preference induces wtdat2017.

Similar to the question I asked before. Whoever asked your partner - 'if I watched lots of porn with hunky men and pleasured myself and didn't tell you' - seriously.
What a way to rig the answer to what you want to hear....
Couldn't you just ask - 'if I sometimes get horny, and you are not around, or not in the mood - and I wank to porn' - do you think the answer might have been different...)

Do you know what though, I'm not so totally at the mercy of my libido that I can't wait until they're around, and have to do it there and then. Lots of porn does not = 'sometimes', and I asked about exactly what was occurring in the OP, so didn't rig it at all.
Whatever you want to try and make us believe about porn, the fact is that dh didn't support OP when she was feeling vulnerable, and the hidden porn use has made this worse. Anything else you want to argue about is irrelevant.

Your responses are indicative of the complete lack of empathy/compassion that this sort of preference induces wtdat2017.

Sure, if you wish to hold a delusional belief.

Good luck RaspberryBluberry and congratulations on your new baby. Hope you find peace and happiness.

Windy - nowhere did the OP say that her husband obsessively watches a lot of porn. Just that he did it, and in addition to having sex with her. So - 'sometimes' or 'all the time' are all our assumptions, mine and yours.

As to not being at the 'mercy of your libido' - are you also saying that any solo pleasuring is not OK?
Not for you? Not for your partner?
Or is it not OK - only after your partner has given birth? Porn being not OK?

But then you say - fantasising is OK... Which is also confusing.

So - if OP's husband wanked in addition to having sex with her, and while wanking imagined some hot woman that is not OP, (or that hot woman having sex with someone) - would that be OK?

So - imagining other women in his mind is OK. While seeing other women on a screen is NOT?

So many convoluted rules, don't you think. And yet - you and people like you insist that they are not controlling of the others and their private sexual experiences.

I hope OP feels better and gets out of the unhappy place she is in.
I also hope that she stops relying on other people (H, or anyone else) for self confidence. For confirmation that she is beautiful and desirable. It needs to come from within. And I hope she'll find an internal source of feeling that confidence

Josuk, it is everything to do with control. Self control. If what you are doing is damaging to your relationship and partner. Humans were not built to deal with the bombardment of artificial porn that is on tap at the touch of a button these days.

Josuk, I'm not going to get into it with you, as you seem to be confusing my comments with someone else's, or making assumptions which I have not stated.

Suffice it to say - I did not use the word 'obsessively' at any point. This is your view, not mine. I did not say anyone was 'at the mercy of their libido', or that solo pleasuring was not OK. I also did not go on to say that fantasising was OK, so I have no idea why you find Amy of that confusing, apart from the fact that you seem under the impression I have said a number of things which I haven't. (just for the record, I have not mentioned anything about fantasies and have not judged each situation is different, I have already explained why I and others feel OP is justified in her feelings, in this particular situation. ) Please get your facts straight before judging my comments.

I (and ppl like me ) are not controlling people's private sexual experiences, we recognise that when it affects a partner, that partner deserves a say.

Josuk just makes things up. I don't know why.

I don't make things up - I just read and react....
Here - specifically is where Windy says 'I am not at a mercy of my libido not to wait until partner is around' - i.e. Not to pleasure myself (god forbid) using porn as a visual aid to that....
But - I must have imagined reading it. Or falcified it somehow...
I may need to apologies as someone suggested....😂

Josuk seems to be destroying the opposing argument while the only response appears to be to desperately try to characterise her as a troll in absence of being able to formulate a coherent argument.

It's interesting that the OP's issue is that her husband fantasising about someone else makes her feel inadequate, yet the anti-porners are avoiding responding to the question of whether fantasising about someone else during masturbation without a visual aid is ok.

the OP's issue is that her husband fantasising about someone else makes her feel inadequate,

WTF. Another poster with problems reading.

my partner was watching porn while I was pregnant and up until now (4 months post baby).
I'm really hurt by it because I've never felt so insecure in my life, and he didn't look in my direction once while I was pregnant

Why are you making up what the problem is? Why are you pretending it is about fantasizing when actually he was rejecting her and using porn instead?

You want people to respond to whether fantasising about someone else during masturbation without a visual aid is ok?

What on earth has that got to do with anything?

Another poster wants to tell us: "hey girls, men who don't want to shag you because they are too busy watching porn are GREEEAAAT!"

Bizarre.

RaspberryBlueberry, I'm sorry you are going through this. What he did is very hurtful. Just because some other woman is OK with porn doesn't mean there is anything wrong with YOU feeling really hurt. For a period of your relationship, your DP got in the habit of using porn, and it got to the point that he preferred porn to actual sex with the woman he loves.

He isn't the only one. Check out the links above, do some more research. Porn is addictive and messes men up so that they have trouble with real sex. It's associated with erectile dysfunction.

It isn't about you or your body. He does need to stop 100%.

Because he broke faith with you and hurt you at a vulnerable time, of course it will take time to rebuild that trust, that sense of being loved and valued exactly as you are. In your last update, it sounds like you are putting pressure on yourself to be completely over it rather than cutting yourself some slack, and giving yourself time to feel the hurt and then gradually move on when you are ready.

Peace

WhatToDo may claim her relationship is unaffected by porn, but one has to be sceptical about such a claim from someone clearly so lacking in empathy

KarlosKKrinkelbeim I claim it because it's true. And what makes you believe I'm "lacking in empathy"?

Are you me? I have a husband who I knew watched (or still does I don't care) a lot of porn. Also looked for naked woman around Facebook, adverts, YouTube. I can confidently say that this destroyed my love for him and ruined our marriage. I fought against it, cried, shouted, attempted to leave home. I cannot explain how a degrading (but also so little) thing could have such powerful effect on me and my life. Once I was crying and breastfeeding in the bed (I had a horrible labour btw) and he didn't say a word to comfort me: he was too busy looking for naked woman on Facebook (we have this massive mirrored cupboard in our bedroom and I could see all the woman naked/semi-naked in sexual poses he was looking in his IPad in the mirror's reflection). That very moment I realised that my love for him was dead and replaced by sadness and regret. We are still married, he seems happy but I believe that deep inside him, he knows that I no longer love him. We have a beautiful little girl who deserves to have a family and I'll keep this family together although a part of me wishes I could be free to love and be happy with someone else.