Porn and insecurity

[RaspberryBlueberry]

What's provoked me to start this topic, is finding out my partner was watching porn while I was pregnant and up until now (4 months post baby).

I'm really hurt by it because I've never felt so insecure in my life, and he didn't look in my direction once while I was pregnant (second pregnancy, first pregnancy we still had sex every other day). So I felt like he didn't fancy me... Fine, maybe he didn't... but I hate my postpartum body so so much right now, and have been having sex with him despite a slow healing c section and despite feeling uncomfortable because I hate myself. So I'm upset to find out he's still using porn, I'm obviously not good enough. Aside from the fact it's a vile industry and I didn't realise he was so disrespectful of women. But that's a whole other topic.

Now I can't take a hammering ATM because I'm fragile so please don't make it all about what a jealous cunt I am.

But how do others feel about porn in a relationship? I'm aware it's my insecurity making me feel this way so I want to hear some rational opinions.

Yes histiny.

What annoys me is telling a woman she's wrong for having feelings of distaste, dislike, or just plain angry at a partner that insists on using porn regularly and at the cost of their relationship being told to get over herself, she's controlling or just plain mad.

If the shoe was on the other foot, I bet you the men would be up in arms about it. Every time I see porn advocates telling people it's their problem, no it isn't, any problem in any relationship should be shared and discussed and an agreement reached; not the woman to STFU and put up.

Exactly Adora

Imagine an alternate world where there were "lass mags" and page 3 but with half naked muscle men and groups of women going to strip clubs regularly, and porn was female orientated and men pressured to look after their looks to same extent as women etc. Men wouldn't stand for it at all

Just annoys the hell out of me, men don't need to use porn, they choose to use it, they do have free will, they are not some out of control beast that has to have a wank to porn there and then or they will combust, it's a choice, like anything else and they are choosing to do something they know perfectly well upsets their partner.

Exactly.

Adora - nothing wrong with my comprehension.
OP is upset that he was using porn while THEY were having regular sex.

So - they had sex as a couple. AND he also masturbated.
Most men do that. Masturbate, in parallel to having sex with their partners. (Are they not supposed to do that either?)
Porn is a visual aid to that masturbation. Nothing more than that.

So - out of curiosity - if he just masturbated - and instead of using porn as an aid - what if he fantasised about women he's been with, or imaginary women - would that be OK?
Where does the need to control the other person's masturbation ends????

Women do that to. Masturbate, while also having sex with their partners. Use porn if they feel like it. Use toys that replace their husbands penises.

If my husband decided to insert himself in what I do when by myself - I'd tell him the same thing OP's husband told her.
It's my solo time, it's not about you. Get over it.

he didn't look in my direction once when I was pregnant

Right.

Man prefers porn to shagging his wife = hey, don't be so insecure!! there's nothing wrong here - lighten up, it's so gurrreaaat.

Some people really do read what they want to read.

OP, you don't like it. I'd suggest that most women don't. Some do, some don't care one way or the other. But I'd hazard a guess that any woman who was feeling crap and insecure about lack of sex from their partner or their changed postpartum body would not feel entirely neutral about porn of their DH was using it.

You're totally normal to feel how you do.

You know - how, lets say, on a beach you'll see a man younger and fitter than your husband. And you'll recognise that he is attractive. You mind will register that. But at the same time - you will not have any desire to get up and leave your H. And would still find your H attractive, etc.
Or - if you ever remember - playing with yourself and having some fantasy - about real men, or imaginary ones.
None of that made your partner less attractive for you.

It's not that though, is it? The equivalent would be OP not having sex with Dh because he was tired out from work and healing surgery, then going onto the internet to watch numerous hunky guys pleasuring themselves and having sex while showcasing their body. OP then sorts herself out and if questioned about it, puts the reason squarely at the feet of dh.

What man is going to accept that?

Josuk, you're off again on one of your tangents, I'm all for masturbation for both sexes, it's good, it's healthy.

You still don't seem to understand that OPs point, oh well.

Those really into porn tend to confuse masturbation and using porn. They act like it's the same thing. No, looking at filmed prostitution produced by a woman-hating industry is not the same thing as masturbation without it.

Adora - we all have our tangents, don't we...

The main point here is that the OP is depressed, down on herself, and low on self confidence.

MN's porn hating brigade with their - LTB, 'he shouldn't be watching porn if you don't like it' comments - are only likely to make her feel even more down.

As to me - every time a woman puts herself down, and measures her self-worth by the way her male partner gets orgasms - (i'e' - he watches porn, I must be inadequate) - I want to shake them and remind them that they don't need HIS confirmation. And that it is not like that with porn.

Someone upstream said - men wouldn't like it if their female partner pleasures herself to porn when they were unavailable (or unwell).
Go - test that hypothesis. Ask your partners. You would be surprised to hear what men think about that.

Men - annoying and imperfect with their unbeatable inflated confidence - they don't see men in porn as a threat to them. Don't think that porn men's (generally and significancy) larger than average endowments would turn their female partners off them.
And, funnily, men would be happy to think of their partners having a healthy solo sessions - they'd even find it arousing to hear about that.

I just wish women could learn a little of that confidence from men.

Ah, we have the expert on what all men think among us! Bow down everyone.

Of course, you Josuk, despite your limited reading comprehension - (have you admitted you got that totally wrong yet? Have you apologised? ) understand my father, my husband, my sons far better than me.

Perhaps you know where they want to holiday next summer?

As for the main point is she is depressed, didnt you think for just a second that her husband constantly rejecting her might be contributing to that?
No I don't suppose you did.

So I'm upset to find out he's still using porn, I'm obviously not good enough.

Watching porn doesn't mean that at all; that's your insecurity talking.

I regularly watch porn and it doesn't in the slightest mean DH isn't good enough or I don't want sex with him. I just have a high sex drive!

I've always resented the 'I think you're sexy just the way you are' thing. If I'm so sexy then why do you watch porn featuring women who look literally the exact opposite of me?

Hmm, maybe it's because people can find more than one particular look sexy

I never understand the concept that a woman is insecure when he man enjoys watching other women being fucked.
Damn right that's going to make you feel insecure, why wouldn't it?

HisTiny - really? People living in glass houses.... really.

Look at what I said. Then go and ask men in your life, try it.
And hope they tell you the truth and not the PC version they'd know you'd want to hear.

As to depression - it happens to people for many reasons. Happened to me, postpartum as well.
Blaming the husband for that - no point to comment on that. Read up about depression. May learn something.

He husband didn't 'constantly reject' her. Just has/had a higher drive then her.

Men and women differ a lot where sexuality is concerned. As much as you wish it were not true - it doesn't make it less so.
Women tend to be insecure and many view porn as a threat. And get themselves unhappy for no real reason.
Life is too short for that.

I don't think men and women differ all that much when it comes to sexuality.
I think people's belief that it does allows men to behave like idiots.

Why are you making things up?
The husband wouldn't shag his pregnant wife.
What bit of that did you not understand? Why are you saying his sex drive is higher than hers, what imaginary info do you have?
Why did you pretend I didn't say 'contributing to her depression'? Why on earth are you saying I said it was the single factor that made her depressed?

do you have a reading problem?

YANBU OP. Porn is disgusting and it would be a deal breaker for me. Don't be a "cool wife", tell him clearly that you feel his behaviour is unacceptable.

Go - test that hypothesis. Ask your partners. You would be surprised to hear what men think about that.
josuk I did ask dh if he would be happy for me to watch a load of stuff without him to get sexual kicks, and not be honest about it with him. He said no. Funny, that. Maybe he's finally realised that it does affect the relationship when one partner is a regular porn user and doesn't include the other. Of course it affects how you think about your own partner and relationship.
What a ridiculous idea.

I did ask dh if he would be happy for me to watch a load of stuff without him to get sexual kicks, and not be honest about it with him

I think that's the key here - not being honest. Otherwise, why would he care about you watching porn? It doesn't affect anything as long as you're not replacing sex with porn.

^ totally agree - the worst part of it is finding out its been going on behind your back, OP, with no conversation about how to overcome the situation which has been blamed. Unless, of course, it's a load of BS, dh would be doing it anyway, but enjoys it solo rather than as any shared experience. Then selfishly tries to make you feel like you're the reason he's had to resort to porn as a distraction technique. I'd honestly have more respect for ppl who brought up the idea rather than skulked around doing it behind their partner's back, thus putting effort into their relationship rather than detracting from it.

Porn does impact relationships because it involves no emotional connection and no intimacy. It is cheap and easy and can create distance within a relationship. The man becomes so used to the artificial high. I'd tell him he ought to be getting a firm grip of real life instead of his dick or he'll lose you.

Porn does impact relationships because it involves no emotional connection and no intimacy. It is cheap and easy and can create distance within a relationship.

It doesn't affect mine and DH's relationship at all In our relationship it's me that regularly watches porn, and it hasn't made me emotionally distant or reduced intimacy between us.

That's fine for you then Whattodoaboutthis2017 but it does not disprove it can and does.