Want to leave but partners mum has cancer

[Wonderland24]

Please be gentle with me.

I have anxiety and depression have done for around 10 years been with partner for 8 of those; four young children too.

Over the years my partner has increasingly made my mental health worse and wore me down.
He is lazy and I do everything for him and the children. He belittles me and makes me feel inferior. I put up with it before as was convinced I had to stay for the children and I didn't deserve any better and I really was crazy like he said, but now I've realised just how unhappy I am and how I'm not in love with him.

I want to separate, we aren't married. But two weeks ago we found out his mum has cancer, she's been treated but he's quite close to his mum and I feel like I can't leave because not only will me leaving devastate him so will the fact his mum has cancer on top of it, timing couldn't be worse but I'm finding it so hard to put a brave face on it I know I'm a horrible person and it's making my anxiety so much worse.

What do I do?!

Leave. My friend's mum was told she has weeks to live when she was diagnosed with terminal cancer and she survived for more than two. If you wait until she dies then he will be grieving and it won't feel like a good time either so go now that you have made the decision.

More than two years.

Thankyou for the advice.

An example of the things he's done that have made my mental health worse are:

Sexting a co worker after our first baby was born around 6 weeks old and then lied to me when he said he stopped talking to her. (I also just got diagnosed with pnd so blamed myself and was scared to leave)

Telling me my panic attacks and anxiety about him cheating and leaving were stupid and ridiculous.

Keeping sexual pictures of other women off websites on his phone while I was pregnant with our third as I wasn't giving him enough "sexually" and telling me not make a big deal.

He plays video games constantly, either on his phone or various consoles I do everything unless I ask him too, which he then causes a fuss about. He works full time I'm recently self employed, he works roughly 5am - 3pm and sleeps at least 9 hours a night roughly, I get up with all the children in the night always have, I cook, clean, make sure he has clean clothes and a cup of tea ready for when he gets home from work he will get in and play his games until he goes to bed, he plays with the children and will do a good job to look after them if I'm not here but even they have noticed how often he plays his games.

Every argument I get accused of being crazy and it's always my fault we argue, if I was "Normal" they wouldn't happen, he belittles me in arguments and makes my feelings feel invalid.

I'm not allowed to be stressed or miserable dealing with a mental illness and four young kids but he's allowed to be miserable or stressed or tired.

Recently I was told I'm lazy untidy and my children will give up on me because I'm such hard work with my depression and anxiety.

I do everything for him and the children and I feel I'm not appreciated or supported at all. He will then turn around and say he loves me and can't be without me so my head gets very confused.

I'm so unhappy but I feel guilty for wanting to leave especially now his mum has cancer and feel like I'm responsible for his happiness and I'm a bad person for even considering leaving but I just want to be happy.

You're not a horrible person.

Honestly, no one who cares about you would think badly of you leaving.

Please leave him.

Tell him his mum needs him. Maybe he can move in with her.
Any way don't let this stop you for breaking up as he seems quite abusive

I fear that if he moves in with his mum he won't get to see the children often as she won't want all four staying the night there.

I am not sure your children benefit from having him around at all.
What is he modelling from them?
Do you want them to turn into lazy lumps who will be bringing women down all the time? If you have girl do you want them to consider this kind of treatment as usual and acceptable.
You AND your children are better off without someone abusive in your life.

I have three girls and a boy. I hate the way he disciplines them my boy flinches whenever somebody tells him off now because he's scared of how his dad tells him off. My partner disciplines them the way he was so he thinks it's acceptable because they listen to him, but I think it's out of fear. If I ever say anything he tells me to go ring the police then and no wonder they never listen to me. They do love their dad and we have had some very good times but it's all to much now and I want better I just don't have the strength to say leave I'm scared I will back down especially as his mum is ill.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

His mother's ill health is not a reason to stay within this miserable sounding relationship. Your own ongoing depression and anxiety is not being helped by him being around either; he is of no use or ornament to your children or you.

You need to leave this abusive individual before he really does destroy you and in turn your children from the inside out. He probably won't leave quietly or will refuse to and will make life difficult for you but the freedom from him in the end will be worth it. Your children will thank you for leaving him and you will show them that abusive treatment should never be tolerated. I presume as well that hope of him changing and an innate fear of him have also amongst other reasons kept you with him for this long as well.

Would you want your children to have a relationship like this, no you would not. Such a person as well will probably have no real interest in seeing his children in the long term either. If he is actually interested in seeing these children then formal arrangements can be made through a contact centre. Leave this selfish manchild to his gaming. Your children are noticing what he is truly like as well; they are perceptive and pick up on all the vibes.

Thankyou everyone, it's very helpful to hear others agree with me as he often makes me feel like it's all in my head and he does nothing wrong and it's all me.

I feel depressed just reading your description of life with this man.

Leave. You are worth more.

"My partner disciplines them the way he was so he thinks it's acceptable because they listen to him, but I think it's out of fear".

Correct it is out of fear. They don't adore this person at all, they fear his very being. They are also seeing you being abused by this individual and that will also have a deleterious effect on them.

Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247 are well worth contacting and they can and will also help you here.

"Thankyou everyone, it's very helpful to hear others agree with me as he often makes me feel like it's all in my head and he does nothing wrong and it's all me".

This is precisely what abusive people do; they make it all out to be in their chosen target's head and make it all out to be their fault. Its not you, its him. He needs to be gone from your lives before he drags you all further down with him into his pit.

Thank you so much. Now if anyone could send me some much needed courage to actually tell him I want him to leave that would be great 😩😩😩

Get your ducks in a row first; how are you going to manage financially? Where will you live? Do you own the house together? You say partner so I presume you aren't married. Best of luck, there is always plenty of support on here for women in your situation.

I live in my nans house she rents it to me for not very much as she doesn't want to sell it but lives with her partner. I'm also self employed. Don't need to pay childcare, two are in school and one is funded in nursery, other one stays with me or family if I have to work. All bills are in my name. He would just give me a set amount of his wages each month to cover things. The rest of my income is child tax and child benefit

And when I get paid for jobs. I'm a photographer.

Excellent. So you just need him to leave. Which I realise is easier said than done. Someone more knowledgeable will advise you about how to get him to leave.

Thankyou. X

He sounds horrendous and very abusive. Definitely leave OP. My DM has cancer. It doesn't come into my decision making and you can't put life on hold because of it.

Thankyou. I feel like he will say how awful I am to tell him to leave when he has so much to deal with and make out to everybody he is a victim and I'm a nasty person. It makes my anxiety so high I hate upsetting people and having them think bad of me

You can not control what other people think or feel. You cannot take on the world's issues on your shoulders. You need to let go of what he will say think or feel you cannot control it. But you can control your response to it.

Someone will come along soon and give you suggestions of the easiest way to get him to leave however it sounds like he might make everything as difficult as possible and use any kind of manipulation to make you feel bad. [in the hope of you changing your mind.]

Be aware that he is likely even to use his mums illness for this.

This is the right time for you to get him out - the sooner the better - for you're health as well as your dc health and wellbeing.

Arm yourself by looking at the womens aid website and reading 'why does he do that' when you have time.

Remember what he says isn't true. [other people will know this already] You are a warm and loving person - controlling people are ace at picking that type of personality.

your oops.