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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Want to leave but partners mum has cancer

53 replies

Wonderland24 · 03/09/2017 14:48

Please be gentle with me.

I have anxiety and depression have done for around 10 years been with partner for 8 of those; four young children too.

Over the years my partner has increasingly made my mental health worse and wore me down.
He is lazy and I do everything for him and the children. He belittles me and makes me feel inferior. I put up with it before as was convinced I had to stay for the children and I didn't deserve any better and I really was crazy like he said, but now I've realised just how unhappy I am and how I'm not in love with him.

I want to separate, we aren't married. But two weeks ago we found out his mum has cancer, she's been treated but he's quite close to his mum and I feel like I can't leave because not only will me leaving devastate him so will the fact his mum has cancer on top of it, timing couldn't be worse but I'm finding it so hard to put a brave face on it I know I'm a horrible person and it's making my anxiety so much worse.

What do I do?!

OP posts:

Original poster

Wonderland24 · 03/09/2017 16:15

Thankyou. I feel everytime we've argued before or I've felt I've wanted to leave it's been easier to say "I'm sorry I'll make it work, I'll be better" and have a cuddle and go back to pretending everything is perfect. It's my safety net. As awful as it is. I want to just get it over with and say go but it's so hard :(

OP posts:

GoldenOrb · 03/09/2017 16:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Wonderland24 · 03/09/2017 16:32

Everytime he does something good;
Makes me a cup of tea (even if it's once every six months)
Lets me lie in
Helps me with something
I feel like I have to be grateful for it and I can't leave, as if being unhappy isn't enough for me to leave. It sounds silly writing it down

OP posts:

GoldenOrb · 03/09/2017 16:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

rizlett · 03/09/2017 16:37

So you feel that you don't deserve to be happy?

Original poster

Wonderland24 · 03/09/2017 16:46

Exactly that. I feel I don't deserve it and no one can love me more than he does because I'm not even good enough for him. Otherwise why would he treat me the way he does? He tells me he loves me and then hurts me and turns it so it's my fault.

OP posts:

Whyiseverynameinuse · 03/09/2017 16:55

for you OP. Can you speak to a family member or good friend as well as women's aid? Could they be there when you ask him to leave? Don't waste any more time or energy on this horrible person. Build a lovely life for yourself and your children.

thisfamily · 03/09/2017 16:57

You are worth so much more. You deserve better

Original poster

Wonderland24 · 03/09/2017 17:14

Thankyou so much everyone

OP posts:

rizlett · 03/09/2017 17:20

Have you put all your measurement of 'worth' in his hands?

Is he the 'God' of worth?

What about what other people think?

It sounds like he has conditioned you to think this way - so he can keep you in your 'place' op.

Honestly - that's not where you or your dc belong.

There is a whole world of happiness and love out there waiting for you.

Original poster

Wonderland24 · 03/09/2017 17:22

My mum and best friend feel the same as all of you. His family think he is great because he only tells them positive things and we barely see them.

OP posts:

SuperSkyRocketing · 03/09/2017 18:30

OP your posts make me so sad. It's awful that this twat of a man has made you feel so unworthy of love. You will feel so much happier without him. Yes it'll be hard but don't let the cancer influence you at all.

He doesn't deserve you. Not the other way around. The only problem here is him not you.

I dumped a very similar sounding abusive twat last year. As I said before my DM has cancer but when I left my ex he made himself out to be the victim and told me I was being irrational because of the cancer (I wasn't I'd just woken up to how abusive he was). Your DP will make himself out as a victim whether his DM has cancer or not because that is who he is, a victim who takes no responsibility for his actions, hence why he treats you so badly. Trust me, you will be so much better without him, maybe not straight away but give it time and you will wonder what you were doing with such an unworthy idiot.

SandyY2K · 03/09/2017 18:34

Leave him. He's been abusive and doesn't deserve your loyalty.

He can say what he likes, but you just need to say it's not working for you anymore.

Original poster

Wonderland24 · 03/09/2017 18:37

You've all been so supportive thank you so much everyone I really mean that

OP posts:

Lozmatoz · 03/09/2017 19:38

Do something for yourself.

Original poster

Wonderland24 · 03/09/2017 20:28

I have ended it he is leaving tomorrow. I feel so guilty but thank you everyone

OP posts:

GoldenOrb · 03/09/2017 20:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Wonderland24 · 03/09/2017 20:43

I told him I wanted to end things and he said okay I'll pack my stuff up in the morning and go. Then went to sleep. No feelings at all

OP posts:

WhichJob · 03/09/2017 21:00

Well if he stands by that then you have a result and you can get your life back on track. I hope you are ok, OP. Do keep us posted.

missmollyhadadolly · 03/09/2017 21:10

Well done OP! Now be strong and don't let him reel you back in. He may think you'll back down x

justanothernameagain · 03/09/2017 21:13

wonderland well done, you've done the right thing. Do you think he'll definitely go in the morning?

cueless · 03/09/2017 22:22

wonderland, it takes some guts to do that. Well done. Keep us posted.

wtffgs · 03/09/2017 22:26

Abusive men have unfair and bad things happen to them. It doesn't stop them being abusive. In fact, it can be a convenient "excuse" for more crap.

Good luck

kittybiscuits · 03/09/2017 22:35

Acting completely indifferent is just a powerplay by him. He wants to hurt you and make you doubt yourself. Tell him not to bang his arse on the door on the way out. The less time you and your DCs spend with this abusive excuse for a human being, the better. You sound like a good person with a great life once you are rid of him. Expect every possible shade of manipulation/emotional blackmail. Ignore him. He deserves no more of you.

RiverW1nd · 03/09/2017 22:59

There will always be a special date or something going on in your life eg birthdays, Christmas, Easter, exams, Halloween, work related, family related, pet related that you think will stop you from leaving. If you want to leave you have to be stronger and make the decision for your own personal reasons, not for anyone else.

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