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Original poster

Snooped boyfriend's phone, now upset - what should I do?

65 replies

KatDubs261 · 03/09/2017 06:39

Curiousity got the better of me, I snooped, now unsure what to do. I've been with my boyfriend for a year and I am living with him at the moment. We are about to go long distance for a year

His messages to another girl have increased in the last few weeks. At this point they talk every other day or every day, he lets me do things on his phone and her name was coming up more than usual.

Saturday night I went out for dinner with a friend and he went out with his friends. We journeyed in to meet them together and he asked me to contact him later so we could have a pint just the two of us before we headed home.

Later I did just that and he told me he was actually heading to a friend's house now. I said I thought you were coming for a pint with me and my friend? (I spend a lot of time with his friends, he hasn't spent much with mine) so he said yes I'll come and meet you. He seemed a bit off at the pub at first but then things got better. He mentioned the group that he met up with and this womans name was included.

Sunday night he gets multiple messages from her and I thought this was odd seeing as they just saw each other the previous evening. So I snooped and didn't like what I found. Nothing sexual etc, but he chats to her like 'how was your work?' 'how was your weekend' etc and she does the same. When she doesn't reply for a few days he provokes another response from her.

So it turns out on Sunday she was replying to his message - saying he was sorry for cutting the night short and that he would have loved to have stayed longer (this is when he went to meet me and friend at the pub). When she asked if he enjoyed the pub, he said it was good but really he would have rather 'sat on the couch' for longer than had a pint. He also said he would have loved to have come to her party next weekend if he didn't have plans (with me and other friends). She also said 'I love all these dog stories you send me!' because he sends her links about dogs. Last week he messaged her about a book he thought she'd like - a book he has been reading out to me before bed :(

I am really bothered by this. I thought my boyfriend was devoted to me - he seems to be. I know he loves me, I really feel it. But I'm not comfortable with this and can't bring it up without admitting I snooped. What do I do?

OP posts:
HopefullyDothButterNoParsnips · 03/09/2017 06:47

To be blunt, you can't really trust him. His mind is occupied elsewhere and if you're about to go long distance then you need to be able to trust him or you'll be worrying about what he is up to the whole time. How is the long distance thing coming up - are you moving or is he? Will this girl be near him? I'd just tell him that you're aware they've been spending time together lately and you don't like it. Yes you shouldn't have snooped but what he's done is worse. Just be aware that he might use that as his reason to end it. Be prepared for that. Good luck.

Original poster
KatDubs261 · 03/09/2017 06:52

I don't see how I can bring it up without admitting I've snooped. They have only spent Saturday together in a group but have been messaging a lot. I suppose I have seen the messages coming up from her, which he knows, as he was sitting with me.

I understand we have nothing without trust and that what I did was wrong. But at the same time I know he would have reason to end it. I don't now to continue when I want him to stop this thing with her.

OP posts:
Original poster
KatDubs261 · 03/09/2017 06:53

I am moving. This girl lives in a city several hours away but he has already said he will come and visit her and other friends at the end of the month.

OP posts:
mtpaektu · 03/09/2017 06:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
KatDubs261 · 03/09/2017 07:01

It looks like chatting her up to me.

The thing is we might be doing long distance but he has already booked a flight out in October for a week to spend my birthday with me. I am really very hurt by this. Even if bringing it up ends the relationship, I feel disrespected and don't see how I can keep it to myself. I think I will need to bring it up with him and let the chips fall where they may. I am actually shaking.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 03/09/2017 07:01

It seems like he's already emotionally checked out maybe because of your move

Might be worth having a conversation about how the long distance thing should work; how often you want to hear from each other etc.

Doesn't look good with this girl and the amount of effort he's making with her

Original poster
KatDubs261 · 03/09/2017 07:07

Do you all think I am correct in raising it with him?

OP posts:
Original poster
KatDubs261 · 03/09/2017 07:08

He seems so emotionally checked in is the strange thing. Last week or so he's been talking about wanting to book a holiday for next Spring. I had a really bad day the other day and he treated me like a princess. I feel really confused.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 03/09/2017 07:11

Unfortunately I agree, I think you're going to have to bring it up. It does sound as though he has his sights set on her.

HopefullyDothButterNoParsnips · 03/09/2017 07:14

What's the alternative to bringing it up? Pretend everything is ok? Of course you need to have it out with him. And confront him on his actions. Yes you snooped but you did that because you feel insecure about him and this girl. That's on him to ensure you don't feel that way. If he is going to end the relationship over you snooping then it's not that strong to begin with. How long have you been together?

Miserylovescompany2 · 03/09/2017 07:16

I'm sorry - it looks like he's lining up a replacement before you've even left - he's going through the motions - in his mind, he's already visualising his life with her.

I'd sit him down and give him the option to end things or do the whole long distance thing - his response will speak volumes!

Original poster
KatDubs261 · 03/09/2017 07:16

Right I am going to bring it up tonight and let the chips fall where they may. What if he denies having feelings for her?

Also something that concerned me last weekend. When he was drunk he admitted I thought I was basically 'perfect' and that it was just a matter of time before I realised I was more intelligent and better looking. I don't agree at all but it worried me to hear him say that.

OP posts:
Livingdiisgracefully · 03/09/2017 07:17

I think there's a vacancy that he's filling while you're away. He's keeping his options open with you in case things don't go well with her. Sorry.

Miserylovescompany2 · 03/09/2017 07:21

Ah, 'the, you are better than me' speech...

Original poster
KatDubs261 · 03/09/2017 07:21

I feel this may be a reaction to me moving, either consciously or subconsciously. I did say taking the job was important to me but I wanted to make the decision together and he was supportive. But if his feelings have changed he hasn't mentioned it. His messages to her have increased just as I'm about to leave.

I am going to sit down with him. I will need to admit what I have done but say my instincts were screaming at me. He must know himself how hurtful the messages are. If he admits its not right etc, then we have a shot. But obviously it will take time to rebuild this.

I'd be seriously amazed if he wanted to end things but I am prepared for anything. :(

OP posts:
Cricrichan · 03/09/2017 07:21

Hang on. He hasn't lied. His messages to her are friendly and nothing more. He's not hiding anything. You're bothered about his friendship with her.

Why are you moving? Is he hurt that you're moving?

Original poster
KatDubs261 · 03/09/2017 07:22

We discussed monogamy while I was away. He said he absolutely expects monogamy because you 'couldn't come back from that.'

OP posts:
Mushroomburger17 · 03/09/2017 07:23

I would find this completely unacceptable in my relationship. He's actively pursuing her. He is maybe having an emotional affair. I didn't like him referring to sitting on the couch. He's giving another woman way too much attention. I would find this disrespectful.

I'd bring it up. Say you were aware of all the messaging and felt uneasy so she checked his phone and dont like what you've found. You can't control his reaction. He needs to explain what's going on. He needs to stop contact. Explain that you've never checked up on him before but felt justified in this instance due to the volume of messages from another woman.

Original poster
KatDubs261 · 03/09/2017 07:24

Friendly and nothing more? They are quite intimate to me. Randomly messaging her about a book she would like, articles etc - things he did with me usually.

Apologising for cutting the night short with her and saying he would rather have stayed there (when he was coming to meet me) is the thing that has cut me most. Open to hearing other perspectives though!

OP posts:
SerendipityFelix · 03/09/2017 07:38

If I was concerned about the frequency of texts, I'd ask my partner to see them. If you've been using his phone a lot and you would have been aware of the frequency of messages without snooping, I'd bring it up in that way - Boyfriend, I've noticed a lot of texts from Woman, it's playing on my mind so I'd like to read them please. If he does anything other than hand his phone straight over for you to nosy then he feels there is something to hide, and that's the definition of an emotional affair to me. If he hands them over and you read them together, you can point out where things he's said are hurtful to you, and see what his reaction is/how he responds, once he sees how his behaviour hurts you.

It sounds like you're pretty hurt by what you know about his behaviour already, and it has sowed huge seeds of doubt for you about the longevity of the relationship. If your doubt is a serious concern for him and he wants to reassure you and fix trust between you, then it might be workable - if it becomes all about why don't you trust me, she's just a friend, you're paranoid etc then it's not a workable relationship. At least you're naturally moving apart so a clean break will be easier.

zippydoodaar · 03/09/2017 07:42

I would move and end it. He is clearly fishing for your replacement. I wouldn't put up with that, sorry.

FluffyWhiteTowels · 03/09/2017 07:46

I think it's going to prey on your mind whilst you're away. Good idea to talk to him honestly about it.

Trollspoopglitter · 03/09/2017 07:51

What zippy said. He's gone after another woman before you've even moved and right in front of you. His actions flushed away any respect and courtesy you owe him in the relationship.

Break up with him and suggest next time he's adult to do the same, instead of lying and manipulating you.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 03/09/2017 08:36

Boyfriend, I've noticed a lot of texts from Woman, it's playing on my mind so I'd like to read them please. If he does anything other than hand his phone straight over for you to nosy then he feels there is something to hide, and that's the definition of an emotional affair to me. If he hands them over and you read them together, you can point out where things he's said are hurtful to you, and see what his reaction is/how he responds, once he sees how his behaviour hurts you

I disagree with this. I wouldn't hand my phone over like some naughty child for it to be inspected whether it was innocent chat or not. If my OH has an issue with something then they can talk to me about it. If I felt they were justifiably upset or needed reassuring I might offer to let them read the messages, but anyone demanding to see them would short shrift. Nothing to do with being guilty.

Kat I would just say that you are a bit concerned about the number of messages she's been sending him & about him being a bit off the other night, prefering to have 'gone to a friend's house' than meeting you as planned. Tell him that you feel he's perhaphs distancing himself from you & firming an overly close friendship with her because you're gong away & that it might be best if you just take a step back, do your own thing for a year & see how your feel at the end of it. See what his reaction is. If he says 'it's a harmless friendship' just say that it doesn't appear that way to you, all you know is that she's messaging him a lot. He might offer you his phone tonread their chats, he might not. But he's on acwarning that you've noticed, you don't like it & you'll walk if you feel it's best.

You have only been together a year & you're going away for a year. Be careful about how much of a commitment you're making to someone who is forming a very close relationship with somebody else. It does seem a bit too intimate to me.

SerendipityFelix · 03/09/2017 09:33

Well, works in my relationship, post justifiable trust issues, as part of rebuilding and retaining confidence in the relationship and each other. If one of us has something on their mind the other seeks to ease it, and as part of that is happy to allow the other to see whatever messages they send to other people. I didn't say demand like a naughty child - that sounds like a seriously unhealthy relationship dynamic you're picturing! It's definitely consensual!