Snooped boyfriend's phone, now upset - what should I do?

[KatDubs261]

Curiousity got the better of me, I snooped, now unsure what to do. I've been with my boyfriend for a year and I am living with him at the moment. We are about to go long distance for a year

His messages to another girl have increased in the last few weeks. At this point they talk every other day or every day, he lets me do things on his phone and her name was coming up more than usual.

Saturday night I went out for dinner with a friend and he went out with his friends. We journeyed in to meet them together and he asked me to contact him later so we could have a pint just the two of us before we headed home.

Later I did just that and he told me he was actually heading to a friend's house now. I said I thought you were coming for a pint with me and my friend? (I spend a lot of time with his friends, he hasn't spent much with mine) so he said yes I'll come and meet you. He seemed a bit off at the pub at first but then things got better. He mentioned the group that he met up with and this womans name was included.

Sunday night he gets multiple messages from her and I thought this was odd seeing as they just saw each other the previous evening. So I snooped and didn't like what I found. Nothing sexual etc, but he chats to her like 'how was your work?' 'how was your weekend' etc and she does the same. When she doesn't reply for a few days he provokes another response from her.

So it turns out on Sunday she was replying to his message - saying he was sorry for cutting the night short and that he would have loved to have stayed longer (this is when he went to meet me and friend at the pub). When she asked if he enjoyed the pub, he said it was good but really he would have rather 'sat on the couch' for longer than had a pint. He also said he would have loved to have come to her party next weekend if he didn't have plans (with me and other friends). She also said 'I love all these dog stories you send me!' because he sends her links about dogs. Last week he messaged her about a book he thought she'd like - a book he has been reading out to me before bed :(

I am really bothered by this. I thought my boyfriend was devoted to me - he seems to be. I know he loves me, I really feel it. But I'm not comfortable with this and can't bring it up without admitting I snooped. What do I do?

Dont be dumb, get rid

I agree he's putting in the work for your replacement. I wouldn't even challenge it after a year especially with you moving I would just dump him. Bet you he would come out as being in a relationship with her soon after you leave when he wants to go on a break because he's "struggling" with the distance.

He is keeping her sweet in the wings for if the long distance becomes an issue for his penis. . .

Your right it's not obvious flirting but it's completely disrespectful, telling another woman he would have preferred to stay with her than go meet his girlfriend is really not on.

I'm surprised that do many people think he is having an emotional affair, from the content you have given of the texts it sounds like a friendship? He has also been open about her being there (for example when he went for a drink with the group). I think pp suggestion of 'I noticed your phone seems to have pinged with a lot of messages from 'friend' - please reassure me that there is nothing to worry about - us having this long distance thing is making me feel insecure & I love you' - that would be so much better than admitting you've snooped and then accusing him (which would be likely to end in a break up tbh as he will feel betrayed).

Speaking from experience I have many male friends, mostly for 20 years or more, nothing untoward has ever happened, nor would it but I would recommend them books & enjoy spending time with them.

I agree that we should all trust our instincts - but make sure that insecurity or paranoia don't cloud your judgement pr make you do something you regret. Good luck OP!

Do you know the girl? Would it be enough to say "who's woman?" Or "how do you know woman?"

To be brutally honest though I think this is over. Working hard at it while you're living apart for a year only works if you're both utterly committed to it.

Your right it's not obvious flirting but it's completely disrespectful, telling another woman he would have preferred to stay with her than go meet his girlfriend is really not on.

This is the crux of it. Also backintown I also have and value my male friendships. But I don't talk to them every day or every couple of days. I've also noticed him using a messenger way more often.

I don't feel the relationship is over. For the most part I feel the relationship is stronger than ever. Since moving in I feel we have grown even closer. So I'm bewildered by it. I will speak to him tonight and see what he says.

Backintown I also have male friendships but I wouldn't be texting them that I'd rather have spent time sat on the couch with them than with my partner. Surely that's crossing a line.

Yep - that's fair enough if that was what the comment meant. I read (when OP mentioned the he'd would like to have been able to 'sit on the couch' for longer than a pint) it as he would like to have had longer to hang out there but there wasn't the time. As in 'was great to catch up but shame it was only for a quick pint'. It did not say he would rather be with the female friend than the girlfriend (or if it did I can't see it - I'm happy to be corrected!?)

Also in the same post OP you say he says he would have liked to go to a party but can't as he has a commitment with you. That just sounds polite surely? 'Sorry I can't make it. Sounds fun & would be good to catch up but I'm busy with my girlfriend' type of thing? If he's being a dick then fair enough - as I said before your instincts are important but don't let them get clouded by paranoia.

Also, genuinely out of interest - OP you say you have male friends but 'don't talk to them every day or every couple of days' - does that mean that you differentiate between friends based on their gender (I.e it would be fine to speak to your female friends that frequently but not the male ones & vice versa for him?) your boyfriend may not be aware of the 'rules' and may not be making this distinction? If this was a male friend of his you would be ok with him saying it was a shame he couldn't hang out for longer or catch up at a party next weekend because he has prior plans!?

Genuinely not trying to be goady - just as a woman with a lots of friends of both sexes it is interesting. Also I much prefer men with female friends, just from my experience they tend to be a lot more emotionally intelligent and understand us better!

Also as an aside - if this is something you really want to resolve (& put your mind at rest about) then meet the female friend, spend time with her & become friends with her too (then if she does for she reason have other intentions with your boyfriend that'll help anyway!)

I'm on the fence, I'm usually suspicious, but he hasn't hidden her, is open with his phone etc. Perhaps they just get along and like each other as friends?

But then again I have gotten along with men/had lots in common and had a laugh, guess what, they didn't pursue a friendship because they didn't fancy me. That is what is always in the back of my mind.

He sounds like my ex - turned out to be a serial liar and cheat. Liked to have is cake, then have more cake, the ive cream. What a wanker.

*then ice cream

He will likely be talking to this girl like she's a princess also. I feel sorry for both of you!

Thank you everyone.

I confronted him. There was disbelief > anger > denial > tears, a lot of tears. At first he said she's 'just a friend' and I wasn't accepting it. I asked him, what's the difference to you between a close friendship and the intimacy of a relationship. He said the quality time spent together. Yes, me too to an extent, but frequently fostering an emotional connection with someone else is not on IMO. He also admitted he lied about seeing her because he was afraid of a jealous reaction and did not want to hurt me.

He admitted that the couch thing was out of order and he doesn't even really know why he said it because he DID want to come and be with me at the pub. As it stands, I feel he has divided loyalties. Now he says he loves me and wants to rebuild things if I'll have him. I love him very much, so I many give him another chance if I believe he is truly remorseful. I have too much self respect to put up with this ever again however and if after 'rebuilding' the dalliance was repeated, it would be OVER, no further conversation had. I am still torn because of the lump in my throat and the fact it IS a betrayal on some level.

I bet my house the moment you move away you'll break because of the distance and he will be in a relationship with his friend

Love is not enough for a good relationship. Successful relationships also need respect, trust and intimacy.

In your situation I would always wonder if it was going to happen again.

I asked him about whether he'd changed his mind about LDR and wanted to be free to explore other options. He reiterated that he did not and wanted to rebuild my trust.

My feeling is that he loves me but this connection is filling some void in him. I don't think its serious but I'm worried this could become habitual if he doesn't nip it in the bud right now.

Here's the key: if you didn't look at his phone, you would have no idea he was doing this.

It's not like he's behaving like his in front of you. He's hiding it from you. Why would he do that?

Sounds like you'll give him the benefit of the doubt.

Just think how duplicitous he must be to be able to compartmentalise his relationship with you whilst fostering a relationship with his friend.

You are right, this thing with his friend is filling a need. Either he's getting his ego stroked or he's lining her up in case your LDR doesn't pan out.

You've only been with him a year. You've just moved in. This should be the honeymoon period. Unfortunately I don't think you know him very well and you're flying high on hormones.

Do yourself a favour and use your leaving as a natural break. He's not trustworthy. The sulking when you called him out about meeting you for a drink speaks volumes.

I have not made a decision yet. I love him, he loves me, we're going to see if it can be worked out. He said he wants to rebuild things if I'll have him because we have invested a lot and I agree.

What I will say is that I have full access to all his electronic devices. He lets me pick everything up and use them without any qualms, that is why I saw her messages popping up.

He said he hid his behaviour because he was afraid of my reaction. Apparently he is afraid of my jealousy if he has female friends but lying is unacceptable and I won't condone it. Imagine how he'd feel the other way round.

He admitted to me that he feels lost in his life right now. So she's filling a void and I would like to know why our relationship isn't filling that space. How's he going to tackle this lost feeling, especially if it recurs thoughout life?

I would make a comment about going long distance and that if he ever had feeling for anyone else then he would tell you right? And make sure he looks at you when you have this conversation. You can tell a lot from how he reacts.

He feels lost right now !! how is he going to feel when you are miles away and there is someone close readily available to help him find his way/fill the void.

I really can't see how this will work now that the trust has been broken. Let him go and you start afresh in your new area.

I am wondering if deep down you really don't trust him.
Going through his phone.
Always a tricky one.
Because if you go through and don't find anything you probably feel really bad that you doubted him enough to look.
But if you look and do find something then you have to try really hard like your doing not to say anything.
Has he noticed your being different at all?

I know. To be fair she doesn't live that closeby, but he does visit the city occasionally. As it stands its all the online interaction that is the biggest issue. I think he thinks he can handle the LDR/wants to look strong for me but I think he is less able to deal with it than he originally thought.

My reluctance to end things lies with the fact that this relationship has made me happiest out of them all (until now obviously). We rarely have issues and I feel at peace when I'm with him, a feeling I never had truly with previous BFs. Regardless, I love him but my opinion is altered now.

We hashed everything out. In the end he said after examining things he agrees the friendship has got too intense. He then said that he thinks it best to cut off contact...the whole time I'm gone! He said he is going to send her a message.

I mean, I do feel cutting contact for a while is the right decision. But for almost a year? I dunno. Perhaps. The issue is they do share friends.

He said he lied because his ex gave him hell if he so much as spoke to another woman. Again I said it's no excuse. He said I know, but maybe it explains why I did it. He said she has been a friend for two years and they have several things in common but there is no 'spark' and that they used to live closely so if anything was going to happen it would have happened then.

He said he views me as his long term partner in life and wants to make amends. I still have doubts...but the conversation helped. I hope I don't come to regret giving him a second chance.

If he was chatting to another make friends like this would it bother you?
Dh best friend is a female 10 years younger, single, pretty and a lovely person.
Dh has been at hers for dinner and I have asked him to come home due to kids or whatever and he apologised to her and left to come home to me.
All my friends have thought something has gone on between them in the past but I know nothing has because of how strong their friendship is.
But you know your OH and sometimes you have to listen to your gut instinct as it's usually right.