Snooped boyfriend's phone, now upset - what should I do?

[KatDubs261]

Curiousity got the better of me, I snooped, now unsure what to do. I've been with my boyfriend for a year and I am living with him at the moment. We are about to go long distance for a year

His messages to another girl have increased in the last few weeks. At this point they talk every other day or every day, he lets me do things on his phone and her name was coming up more than usual.

Saturday night I went out for dinner with a friend and he went out with his friends. We journeyed in to meet them together and he asked me to contact him later so we could have a pint just the two of us before we headed home.

Later I did just that and he told me he was actually heading to a friend's house now. I said I thought you were coming for a pint with me and my friend? (I spend a lot of time with his friends, he hasn't spent much with mine) so he said yes I'll come and meet you. He seemed a bit off at the pub at first but then things got better. He mentioned the group that he met up with and this womans name was included.

Sunday night he gets multiple messages from her and I thought this was odd seeing as they just saw each other the previous evening. So I snooped and didn't like what I found. Nothing sexual etc, but he chats to her like 'how was your work?' 'how was your weekend' etc and she does the same. When she doesn't reply for a few days he provokes another response from her.

So it turns out on Sunday she was replying to his message - saying he was sorry for cutting the night short and that he would have loved to have stayed longer (this is when he went to meet me and friend at the pub). When she asked if he enjoyed the pub, he said it was good but really he would have rather 'sat on the couch' for longer than had a pint. He also said he would have loved to have come to her party next weekend if he didn't have plans (with me and other friends). She also said 'I love all these dog stories you send me!' because he sends her links about dogs. Last week he messaged her about a book he thought she'd like - a book he has been reading out to me before bed :(

I am really bothered by this. I thought my boyfriend was devoted to me - he seems to be. I know he loves me, I really feel it. But I'm not comfortable with this and can't bring it up without admitting I snooped. What do I do?

6demandingchildren - I don't believe he would ever speak to a male friend like this. He sends her things to 'make her smile' and make her day. His whole tone reminded me of how he was with me when we started dating. He himself admits its over familiar etc.

I don't believe anything has happened between them and he has definitely got a shock. He actually does have a close female friend he'll be meeting up with soon and I have no issues with her. They catch up occasionally.

Whether he realize it or not he feels something for her. To tell her I'd rather be with you than my gf screams at me!
It's leading f her on at the very least. She must think he's not happy with you and would rather be with her.
No contact with her sounds about right to me.
Once you're gone though you'll never know what's going g on.
It's up to you if you can live with that or not.

Totally agree! I told him, you are leading this single woman on and making it look like you are not happy with me.

Tbh I don't think the girl is overly encouraging it. For example, since he sent her that message suggesting he'd rather be with her (a few days ago) she has ignored it, unusual as it breaks the daily contact. He is going to look like even more of a mug now if he follows up again with a message about having to cut contact. But I feel I NEED to see some proof of his decision before I leave.

Is he a people pleaser? Someone that needs to be liked? I don't understand why he would say to someone I'd rather be on the couch with you otherwise. Was he just being nice or did he mean it? I can't think of a third reason.

Hopefully he didn't mean it but that means he says things to be nice and perhaps they're not what he means, in which case is he now saying those things to you. Sorry KatDubs261 to bring that up. I guess you've already thought perhaps he would prefer to be with her but just can't say it to you as it would hurt you. I went out with someone like that. He was nice but weak despite his protestations.

But I feel I NEED to see some proof of his decision before I leave.

When do you leave? Him sending the message isn't proof - he can renege on it as soon as you leave; or now, using a private app. Theres no proof here.

I very much love my partner and i hope he's my long term partner. He makes me happier than anyone ever has before. If he'd behaved like this; I'd walk. It'd hurt, and I'd wonder if it was the right thing, but he's wooing her. He can't admit it to you, and maybe not to himself, but he is pursuing her because he "feels lost". That's not a happy man. That's a man looking for someone to fill a gap; and that gap gets bigger when you're gone. To be honest, though, it doesn't matter that you're off. If there's a gap, he'll fill it. It'd happen even if you were still here, you know that, he's already slowly making plans.

You're impending move could be a blessing in disguise.

Yes he is a people pleaser. The first one people call to fix their car, help them move home, doesn't like to say 'no'. During our conversation he admitted he is like this to the detriment of himself & that he is exhausted from it.

He says he is getting his needs met in the relationship. He says he is lost because of his lack of career direction - and today he is accepting a new job which I hope will begin to turn that around. He also said he is going to join the retained fire service. I believe that is what he needs - new goals to give him fulfilment.

I asked if he wanted to date her instead etc and he said no - 'I only want to date you.' Truthfully, I don't feel I could cope with a break up and a stressful move. Once I am there, maybe I will gain clarity on whether I feel I can/should stay or move on. He has already booked a week's holiday to be with me when I'm there in 2 months. I don't know what to do - feel pretty lost myself.

Are you sure he's as on board with your move as you think he is? Or he thinks he is?

You've been together a year, love each other and have a strong relationship, yet you're about to move away for a year. Perhaps he thinks you're not that into him.

Doesn't excuse it but might explain it.

Purplepicnic I think he is struggling a bit (I am too). But without going into the detail, the job opportunity is huge and not something I can get here. It will allow me to make money doing something I love to fund some big things I am saving for. I will be able to travel and see places I always wanted to see when I'm not working.

He said that at first he didn't know if he would be able to do it (he just admitted this last night, hadn't before). But now, as it draws closer, he feels he will miss me but we can do it. He has booked a week to see me in October and I was thinking we could see how it goes until Christmas and re-evaluate if necessary. Does that sound fair?

Yes he is a people pleaser.

This is probably exactly why he's saying the right things to you - he doesn't want to hurt you.

His behaviour does not marry up with him saying he doesn't want to be with her.

It's even more worrying if the "gap" he feels is because his career is off track. Does he plan to fix any minor setbacks or frustrations by finding another woman?

I asked him that question. He said no, he is going to take steps to put boundaries up/distance in his friendships for the sake of the relationship in future.

I believe he is sincere but don't know if he can kick the habit. I mean, he did quit smoking 3 years ago so he does have willpower. But time will tell, if he is given the chance?

I am lost because my job has no direction doesn't mean your penis directs you towards your female friend tho does it??
His excuse will be it had a mind of its own!!
Like penile gps maybe?
Bet you back on here before too long op. .

Advice needed. My o. h and I have been together for 7 yrs on and off. He has been unfaithful in past so I do have some trust issues. Anyways we got back together in april after a 3 month break up. Just after we got back together we spent a weekend at a large house with a few other people (his brother and girlfriend and two of their friends) they are all a lot younger than us like 22-26 where as we are 42, me and my o. h fell out on the way home as I bought up that all weekend I'd felt disrespected and insignificant as he and the young single girl there I felt had flirted together the whole weekend, I felt embarrassed as felt others prob noticed it too, not great start when meant to be last shot saloon to salvage us, he insisted they weren't at all, that they just got on, similar music tastes etc etc, I said I felt like if I hadn't been there something could've happened between them. Anyhow got over it thought fine give benefit of doubt etc he said about us all again going to a festival coming up. Last night I snooped on his phone, I know I shouldn't but feeling bit uneasy lately and bit insecure I guess, there was a long convo with his brothers girlfriend, where I'm pissed off because a. As he told her loads of stuff that happened when we split and told her what I'd said about her friend and him flirting etc. But also further down a time later they mentioned his sister and something about her saying this girl had been all over him that weekend, that it was weird etc etc I couldn't work it all out as I've not seen this message his sister sent him can only go by bits they were saying, but I'm gathering he's fallen out with his sister and she has said something about him and this girls behaviour, so now I'm thinking right, it def wasnt just me over reacting or seeing how they were with eachother!! Also he offered them all to stay in his flat for this festival coming up and said in a text to his brother you can stay in kids room, Tyler (the girl) can get in my bed lol then went on to say seeing as my sister seems to think something going on.!! So now it's really getting to me, I do not want him to have anything to do with this girl now, I feel so upset and hurt its doing my head in, I want to bring it up but how do I cos I only know cos of the snooping, 😕

Zombie thread!

@Catg76 why did you ressurect a thread from 2027? People read all the way through until they get to yours. Start a new thread.

Oops didn't know I had, first time in here, where do I post a new thread?