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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DP = self-esteem wrecker

68 replies

SnoreBore · 02/09/2017 16:23

My DP of a few years and I are going through a bit of a bad patch. This is down in part to his excessive porn use which meant he was increasingly expecting me to reenact what he was watching on screen in the bedroom. There was little or no regard at all for my enjoyment. Things came to a head about a month or so ago when I sat him down and gently discussed (outside of the bedroom) the problems we were having.

I thought we had moved on from this and resolved issues but this morning I gave him oral and straight after he just blurted out 'THAT was average'. Now he is either a very good actor or he enjoyed himself. He now claims he was just joking. I just think that what he said was nasty and deliberately timed to make me feel small.

Before we got together I was a confident and self assured person but I just feel that this has been taken away from me over the years.

It's not meant to be this hard is it?

OP posts:

uglyflowers · 02/09/2017 16:26

No. That's really horrible. Sex is meant to be about bonding and intimacy but his porn use has taught him otherwise. I'd read him the riot act then insist upon some kind of sex counselling. You need to nip this in the bud or you'll be splitting up over it a few years down the line. He is an asshole.

kittybiscuits · 02/09/2017 16:27

It really isn't. He should be embarrassed about such selfish behaviour, not being snippy or sarcastic. A partner should add to your life, not detract from it.

exxrecluse · 02/09/2017 16:28

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Mrscropley · 02/09/2017 16:28

Your response should have been. .
Just like your penis then. .

Hassled · 02/09/2017 16:29

Does he have any regard for your enjoyment or happiness the rest of the time - I mean in day to day life? Is he ever a considerate person?

I absolutely couldn't cope with what you've described and would be out of there faster than a speeding bullet - he just sounds like a wanker. It seems unlikely that he's going to have blinding flash of realisation and changes his ways.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 02/09/2017 16:31

Can I ask you - when you gave him oral sex, did he do anything for you? Does he think doing it for him is enough?

Porn is such a relationship wrecker. He's really got to make his decision now - you or porn.

PaganGoddessBrigid · 02/09/2017 16:32

wow. That was a turn off.

I hope.

Heyx · 02/09/2017 16:33

Disgusting behaviour. Do you make an assessment of his performance when he goes down on you (if he does??) Selfish and disrespectful to say the least.

kittybiscuits · 02/09/2017 16:34

I'm not sure about ultimatums for porn wankers. In my experience, they just lie and carry on pornwanking and it kills intimacy.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/09/2017 16:38

Why are you together at all now, what do you get out of this?.

Relationships should not be such hard work honestly, look at the sticky at the top of these Relationship pages as well.

You're right; all this person has done is take your own self worth away from you. You cannot let him continue to do that but you have chosen to stay to date. You need to ask yourself why that is.

Can you honestly see yourself with this person for the rest of your days; I cannot in all honesty. His porn usage should have made you walk away from this so called relationship long before now.

merville · 02/09/2017 16:56

Responses that spring to mind;

"Oh are we scoring oral sex now - well, your turn .."

"How much do porn actresses get for blow-jobs, do you know? I don't seem to see that amount lying anywhere around here".

I have no problem with porn use - if the person using it fully realises it is a separate realm from real sex. When they do not; it says a lot about their character i.e. selfish, delusional, egotistical, exploitative, unrealistic, has trouble seeing other people as people equal to themselves etc. I'm guessing porn/sex isn't the only way he treats you as there to serve him.

Shoxfordian · 02/09/2017 16:59

That should be the last blowjob you ever give him

He sounds selfish and like he doesn't care about your pleasure at all

merville · 02/09/2017 17:00

I recommend asking to watch some porn together and then commenting on the male actor's body/penis size/oral sex skills/duration etc. and pointing out how his are inferior.

Branleuse · 02/09/2017 17:04

fucking hell, i would be really hurt by that. I think itd be over

Aeviternity · 02/09/2017 17:12

"Yeah, you're right. We're not compatible, are we? You don't like what I do for you, and Jesus, Mary and Joseph if I have to lie back enduring what YOU call a fucking performance one more time...

... so let's agree to disagree and call it here."

Original poster

SnoreBore · 02/09/2017 17:14

No, he didn't do anything for me. It's all about him, which is what I have been trying to get through to him.

I don't really like porn but accept that it is his choice to watch it. I've never made him feel bad but he is watching more and more weird stuff (obviously legal - stuff like step mother and sister stuff) and sex between us is all about him and HIS PENIS. He says stuff like 'you love my penis so much'. I really don't love his penis. It is ugly asf but I enjoy giving him pleasure because I care about him.

He also compulsively ogles other women in front of me. I got so fed up of it last night when he was staring over at another women sitting with her partner that I started commenting positively about how attractive the woman's boyfriend was. Obviously they couldn't hear us so I wasn't making them feel uncomfortable. DP hated this but doesn't understand why I have an issue when the tables are turned.

OP posts:

theabysswithin · 02/09/2017 17:16

Life is just too short to be with someone like this. Bin him. That is all.

Original poster

SnoreBore · 02/09/2017 17:17

Aeviternity apart from the past few months he has always said that my oral is the best he's ever had. This morning was no different and I tried even harder than usual.

I just seem to spend my life trying to please him and it's never good enough.

OP posts:

thereallochnessmonster · 02/09/2017 17:17

Wow, op, the more you write the worse he sounds. Sounds like he's totally obsessed by porn and can't tell the difference between it and real life... And he doesn't care about you either. What's he like out of bed? Apart from ogling other women? I'd be so tempted to leave him - so many issues and it doesn't sound like he wants to change at all.

Shoxfordian · 02/09/2017 17:21

Stop trying to please him and ltb

AnyFucker · 02/09/2017 17:23

Trying to please a man like this is futile. You demean yourself and he gets off on that.

He sounds vile

MistressDeeCee · 02/09/2017 17:24

Why are you even with this porn obsessed dementor? & ogling women, inc when they're with their partner too?

I just seem to spend my life trying to please him and it's never good enough

Fucking hell!

OP your man is a porn obsessed creep and a lech. I bet other women know it too.. It comes off in waves even via your writing on a page.

Now you've got blowjob woes.

You need to leave him. Either a man will smack him in the mouth for leching over his GF or a woman will call him out on his ogling. Creep. If your skin isn't crawling now, it very soon will. If it doesn't then whats to say...perhaps a scorechart can be kept bedside, for blowjob points. The man's mad

LucieLucie · 02/09/2017 17:26

He is a useless prick and I wonder who he is rating your performance against!?

Heyx · 02/09/2017 17:29

Really gross and demeaning actually.

AdalindSchade · 02/09/2017 17:33

He's a horrible man. Please don't debase yourself further trying to please him. I bet money that making you feel like shit gets him off way more than the blow job

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