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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP = self-esteem wrecker

68 replies

SnoreBore · 02/09/2017 16:23

My DP of a few years and I are going through a bit of a bad patch. This is down in part to his excessive porn use which meant he was increasingly expecting me to reenact what he was watching on screen in the bedroom. There was little or no regard at all for my enjoyment. Things came to a head about a month or so ago when I sat him down and gently discussed (outside of the bedroom) the problems we were having.

I thought we had moved on from this and resolved issues but this morning I gave him oral and straight after he just blurted out 'THAT was average'. Now he is either a very good actor or he enjoyed himself. He now claims he was just joking. I just think that what he said was nasty and deliberately timed to make me feel small.

Before we got together I was a confident and self assured person but I just feel that this has been taken away from me over the years.

It's not meant to be this hard is it?

OP posts:
RubyGoat · 02/09/2017 18:10

If my DH ever said anything like that to me, he'd never get another one. Or anything else, ever. If it was supposed to be a joke, it's not bloody funny & he needs to know that. Doesn't sound like he's willing to admit he made a mistake if it was... and if it's not a joke, well, why would anyone stay with such a sorry excuse for a man after that.

SleepFreeZone · 02/09/2017 18:14

Why are you with him? Children/finances/ convenience?

Ellisandra · 02/09/2017 18:17

Can you tell us why you didn't dump him there and then?

You should have.
For all the other shit too, but for that comment alone I'd have dumped him.

You need to take a bit of responsibility for your self esteem too lovey - you don't have to choose to be on the receiving end of that.

thisfamily · 02/09/2017 18:20

He is putting you down, making you feel worthless and that's emotional abuse. Maybe you can tell him how he makes you feel. if he has no intentions of listening or changing his behaviour, the best way to go is out of the relationship.

AtrociousCircumstance · 02/09/2017 18:23

Jesus Christ, why are you with this piece of shit?

ourkidmolly · 02/09/2017 18:26

Sounds like your self esteem is already on the floor. Giving bjs to shits like that. He's irredeemable. Move on and salvage your self respect.

Original poster
SnoreBore · 02/09/2017 18:45

I don't know why I'm still with him. I've been secretly seeing a counsellor to discuss this with her. My dad died just after we got together and she seems to think my,inability to walk away might be linked to this.

I definitely am seeing DP more and more for what he really is though.

However, I feel anxious when he is upset with me. I'm just feeling trapped.

OP posts:
ourkidmolly · 02/09/2017 18:51

Are there children?

TheDuchessofDukeStreet · 02/09/2017 18:52

You deserve so much more than this. Sorry to hear about your father.

Butterymuffin · 02/09/2017 18:53

Do you live together? If so, whose name is on the house?

Heyx · 02/09/2017 18:53

So you stay with him. What happens next time he wants a blow job? You try even harder? Honestly don't do it to yourself.

kittybiscuits · 02/09/2017 18:54

He's got a really nasty side to him - really uncaring and anti-social. Does he sometimes play nice?

Original poster
SnoreBore · 02/09/2017 18:56

No children and we have our own houses.

OP posts:
pasanda · 02/09/2017 18:57

What a mysogenistic (?sp) wanker!!

It really, really should't be that hard, no. And shit. If I were you, I would dump him. Do you have dc together?

pasanda · 02/09/2017 18:58

cross post.

Easy then - leave him to give himself pleasure and find yourself someone decent

SugarMiceInTheRain · 02/09/2017 19:01

Don't say this lightly but seriously, leave the guy! What a horrible, mean little man. Nobody who cared about their partner would say that and be so rude. I sincerely hope you find someone who does care about your pleasure and your feelings and who makes you feel good about yourself. You deserve no less.

pinkyredrose · 02/09/2017 19:02

OP just get rid. This relationship makes you feel like shit. He doesnt care about you.

Original poster
SnoreBore · 02/09/2017 19:07

But the thing is he makes me feel like I'm unreasonable. He is 10 years older than me and if I'm honest, fairly average looking. I sometimes think he tries to make me feel like shit to keep me in my place so that i think I can't do better. My counsellor has really helped me.

Thanks for your support.

OP posts:
pasanda · 02/09/2017 19:09

Yes but you're really, really not being unreasonable. We can see it. It sounds like your counsellor can see it. So why can't you Confused

Life is seriously too short for this shit!

MyBrilliantDisguise · 02/09/2017 19:12

So you don't live with him? If so that is a massive relief.

I'd double up on the counselling sessions to get yourself to a point where you can dump this bastard much quicker.

Atenco · 02/09/2017 19:13

It is not so easy to walk away, but this is one horrible man.

I personally have serious objections to porn, because people get hurt for other people's financial gain and kicks.

Now this indifference that your bloke has to other people's feelings has seriously affected you and your relationship.

Personally, I know what I like in sex but I have never compared one lover's technique with anothers, it's not a bloody competitive sport.

Heyx · 02/09/2017 19:22

So what if he thinks you're unreasonable? It doesn't matter what he thinks. He is a pig and horrible to you.

TheChampagneGalop · 02/09/2017 19:31

I enjoy giving him pleasure because I care about him

You need to be with someone who feels this way about YOU too.

This man is a wanker. Leave him to wank alone as he isn't interested in pleasuring or even being nice to a partner.

TheNaze73 · 02/09/2017 19:46

He gives zero shits about you. End it

Wherearemymarbles · 02/09/2017 19:53

He definitely treats you like shit to keep you in your place. Its a complete cliche and peope on here have even said they know men who do this and my sister went out with one.

And I suspect your counsellor is probably right about your father.

Dump him. What do you actually get out of this relationship??? And do you really want to wipe his arse when he had dementia???