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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

The OW has materialised

76 replies

Neverwantedthis · 02/09/2017 08:53

Background: Been with dh over 20 years. No issues, best of friends. 3 kids under 7. Supported him in his career and he's now got to top and is a high earner.

At start of month started acted different. Said he was fed up but assured me it was work stress. Finally dragged truth out of him end of Feb that it was us, his feelings had changed, didnt know why, denied anyone else. Tried to make it work but he refused counselling and quite frankly by end of April id had enough of being only one actually trying and asked him to go. I now know that he was too cowardly to actually do it himself and engineered the situation so id make him go so he can say "I didn't do this".

Anyway I obviously suspected someone else for such a sudden change. He had also done all the usual midlife crisis things like losing weight, getting new designer wardrobe, ordering sports car etc.

So he left and I was devastated. I'd been with him longer than without and it completely shook my world. I've been holding it together for the kids but basically spent each day feeling numb and sort of just going through the motions. I had however got to the point where I wasn't crying myself to sleep each night or breaking down crying if talking to friends about it.

Until this week. I have always asked that he let me know when he starts seeing someone (as he refused to admit he already was) and despite kicking off a huge argument two weeks ago when I asked and making out I was crazy for asking as he wasn't, he has now admitted he is seeing someone (I questioned it as the times he is giving to see the kids had drastically reduced).

He maintains he's only been seeing her a month. Even if this were true it still only took him 3 months to move on after over 20 years together. But in reality I believe going on for a while and his messing me about from start of year was just waiting for her to finish her marriage too.

Old cliche. He's her boss. But the real kick in the teeth is that she's same age (although looks considerably older) has two young kids too and is a no looker at all. I always thought he'd be off with some younger thing from office but to trade in for roughly the same life tied working around 2 sets of kids has really thrown me. He refuses to admit it was going on before but he will never ever admit to it for fear of ruining his reputation at work and outing her as a homewrecker too.

So I'm left hurt, angry, humilited (I used to work at same place so know loads there and they know us and our kids) and stupid for not having seen it coming and for trusting him so wholeheartedly.

I'm back to square one and back to thinking about it all the time, getting emotional for no reason and crying myself to sleep. I'm having to keep putting on an act for sake of kids and it's quite frankly exhausting.

So how long will it take to come to terms with this and move on? Im just so sad and lonely and can't see me ever finding anyone else as 1) I rarely get time as have 3 young kids 2) who the heck is going to want a 40 year old mom of 3 with my baggage and 3) I don't think I'd be able to trust anyone again

OP posts:

badbadhusky · 02/09/2017 08:57

I'm not very good at these break-up threads, Never, but it sounds really hurtful that he's moved on so quickly. I can also see how confusing it is that his new partner is so similar to you in age & circumstances.

NashvilleQueen · 02/09/2017 09:00

Sorry to say but this has clearly been going on much longer. Is the OW still in a relationship? How old are her children? There's no chance that he is the father of either of them is there? Apologies as I know this is not a nice thing to contemplate.

Original poster

Neverwantedthis · 02/09/2017 09:03

No she's separated too. Hers are 4 and 6. I really don't think he's the father. I'm pretty sure nothing going on before start of year

OP posts:

TheNaze73 · 02/09/2017 09:03

OP, don't set your sights so soon in finding someone else. Take this opportunity to find happiness yourself. You sound like you'd be a catch, not someone with baggage, when the time is right.

dementedma · 02/09/2017 09:03

My sis was a 50 year old mum of five when she met her new bloke. Dont give up on yourself.

Original poster

Neverwantedthis · 02/09/2017 09:07

Oh don't get me wrong, I'm not wanting to find anyone else yet. Like I say, I don't think I will trust again anyway. I know I need to focus on moving on from this, getting over him and making sure the kids come through it as unscathed as I can.

OP posts:

LordWontYouBuyMeAMercedesBenz · 02/09/2017 09:08

Sorry to hear this has happened op. I don't think there is really anything that anyone can say or tell you that will make you feel better- in my experience when I have been through similar in the past I find you will have good days when you feel strong and ready to move on and you will have bad days when you think you just cant go on anymore. Over time the bad days will get lesser and the good days will increase u til eventually you find you are ok. But unfortunately there is no quick fix or tried and tested way of getting over this. It just takes time, you have to go trough the motions and ride it out. I advise to limit your contact with him to discussing the kids only. Other than that don't text or call or ask about ow. That will only hold you back. Be kind to yourself in small ways wherever you can, even if it's just enjoying a hot bath when the kids are asleep or reading a book with a nice hot chocolate in bed. They're just little examples of what I might do of course but just whatever small things you can do to give yourself a hug, for you it might be treating yourself to something new, or going for a walk to clear your head etc.
You will get through this and will look back on it as something in your past, but it will take time to get there.
Good luck op

dudsville · 02/09/2017 09:11

How awful op. I don't have anything to say. There's nothing reassuring to say about this. I presume he's had a midlife crisis and it doesn't matter what she looks like or her family status or age. It's not about her. It's not, all the more sadly, about you. It's all about him and his loss of perspective.

userxx · 02/09/2017 09:12

Discovering the OW is always a massive slap in the face and will take you back 10 steps. It really doesn't matter what she looks like, it's just the fact she is there. If she was a stunning 20 year old you wouldn't feel any better, you'd probably feel worse to be honest.

You will move on from this but it's going to take time, lots of time.

Original poster

Neverwantedthis · 02/09/2017 09:12

Thanks lord, yes I have been asking stuff about OW but I just need answers. I know it won't get me any where as damage done and no going back but it's my nature to need answers unfortunately. I will stop though. He's still giving me the "I always did and do still care" line but quite frankly how you could do this to someone you care about is beyond me

OP posts:

ChocAuVin · 02/09/2017 09:16

So sorry you're going through this. You sound very strong and as the shittiest consolation in the world, at least you know you can trust your instincts. You don't need to write yourself off - you didn't choose this but, in time, you WILL get through it and find your new normal. And it won't be with a faithless, inconstant bastard.

LordWontYouBuyMeAMercedesBenz · 02/09/2017 09:24

I totally understand the need for answers but you know it's not doing you any good. It's like picking a big scab- you just can't stop but you know it's going to delay the healing!
When ever you are tempted to ask him about her try and tell yourself: there is nothing he can tell you about her that will make this any better. Even if he answers a hundred of your questions about why he did it or when it started or what he sees in her etc nothing he can say reduces what he has done or reduces your pain. Ultimately whatever his reasons and whatever he sees in her, he has betrayed you, your family life and future together, your marriage. So does it really matter why? Or when? Or how? The fact is he has treated you terribly and you are worth more than that. You and the kids deserve more than that. And that is the only thing about this whole situation you need to know. So keep that in mind and forget the other questions. Focus your energy on you now.
As for him saying he will always care. He's just trying to ease his own conscience. Don't assist him with that, leave him to his chosen route and show the kids that when things knock mum down, mum gets right back up because she is strong and knows her self worth :)

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 02/09/2017 09:26

If it's any small consolation, he'll probably move on from her soon.
Whatever you do, don't take him back. What you are currently going through, is a grieving process, which hurts like hell. The good news is, it will pass, and you will come out, on the other side, a stronger person.
You are young, and one day, this will all be behind you. 🌺

Original poster

Neverwantedthis · 02/09/2017 09:38

Thank you all for taking the time. I know there are no answers or quick fixes to get over this. I just have to keep going until it hurts less.

I don't want him back. I miss the old him, not this person that I do not know.

I have ordered an sti kit from nhs and will be seeing a solicitor once kids back at school. I want a financial agreement drawn up and financials sorted before he starts spending all we worked towards on his new family

OP posts:

26milesofcbeebies · 02/09/2017 09:39

I don't think there is anything he can say that will make this feel better- him seeing someone else would always have hurt.

Don't be so sure it started before he left, though. A good friend of mine started dating pretty much straight away after she broke up with her husband (like within a fortnight). She knew she didn't want to be with him, so she could explore a relationship with someone else. It also acted as a good distraction, especially when her ex had the children. No cheating beforehand though.

Chillyegg · 02/09/2017 09:40

Well I think you sound ahmazing and strong, your dealing with shit bag exh crap and your kids and everything else. It will get better I promise. My ex cheated on me, that produced a child. There was dv involved any i left with nothing sorted my life out and found a lovely chap who loves me and my dd and doesn't give a hoot about my baggage. You'll have your happy ending. Also why would you want to be with someone who broke 2 families. Your well rid love.

26milesofcbeebies · 02/09/2017 09:41

That sounds wrong- she was happy to date because she had already emotionally disconnected from him. Not that they broke up so that she could see other people!

MrsPworkingmummy · 02/09/2017 09:52

Echoing other people's sentiments, I think you sound like you're doing amazingly given the circumstances. You've been married a long time and do doubt this feels almost like a bereavement.
Go to a solicitor as soon as you can - take control of the separation (don't let him take control of the financial stuff for example) and ensure you are protected. Given you have three young children, I think you'll be in a strong position to 'get what you need' out if the split, whether that's staying in the house, or getting a bigger share of your assets . Don't allow him to undervalue your role as a supportive wife and mother of his children.
Good luck!

VocalDuck · 02/09/2017 09:58

I'm sorry to hear this OP and also agree that you are undoubtably right that it has been going on for longer than a month. Im glad you are going to see a solicitor but I think you will struggle to divorce him for adultery without evidence, so would recommend unreasonable behaviour purely to make it easier for yourself.

Dard · 02/09/2017 10:10

Same happened to me 20 years together 2 children thought we were happy making plans midlife crisis skinny jeans tight tshirts weight loss going to gym.I came home from work one day and said wanted 10 day separation no one else involved we went to relate and he got into argument with councillor. He said living at friends house.I then found hotel receipts with her name on still tried to deny it he had been seeing her for months.I went back to relate on my own which helped.she was 22 he 45 our son older than her truly devastated me he is with her now and they have a baby.This was 4 years ago taken a long time to feel ok as thought soul mate he completely changed like u just dont know the person i still miss him but the lies so hurtful .I'm 49 now and hope I'm not alone forever would be very hard to trust again but horrible to be lonely.You are strong I was an idiot and believed his bullshit said was coming back right up to the point of her pregnancy if you hadn't asked him to leave you probably would have discovered his affair and lies i hope u find happiness I dont think grass is greener and who wants to be with someone who lies I don't think they realise the pain and heartache they only care about their needs

Original poster

Neverwantedthis · 02/09/2017 10:10

He hasn't asked for a divorce. I don't need one but I do want financials sorted.

OP posts:

Dard · 02/09/2017 10:11

Backt0Black · 02/09/2017 10:18

I just wanted to say you can do this OP. You sound incredibly strong and reasoned, you're everything you and your kids need.

Original poster

Neverwantedthis · 02/09/2017 10:27

Sorry you've been through this too dard. There really are some shits out there. I thought I had one of the good ones. How wrong I was

OP posts:

yetmorecrap · 02/09/2017 10:37

I think this is more about him wanting a change of scene, it's sad and no doubt he will discover after a while that it wasn't worth it for a change of scene, the best thing for you is to live life well, get some fun into life, meet new people , he is a dick but he won't be the first or last

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