The OW has materialised

[Neverwantedthis]

Background: Been with dh over 20 years. No issues, best of friends. 3 kids under 7. Supported him in his career and he's now got to top and is a high earner.

At start of month started acted different. Said he was fed up but assured me it was work stress. Finally dragged truth out of him end of Feb that it was us, his feelings had changed, didnt know why, denied anyone else. Tried to make it work but he refused counselling and quite frankly by end of April id had enough of being only one actually trying and asked him to go. I now know that he was too cowardly to actually do it himself and engineered the situation so id make him go so he can say "I didn't do this".

Anyway I obviously suspected someone else for such a sudden change. He had also done all the usual midlife crisis things like losing weight, getting new designer wardrobe, ordering sports car etc.

So he left and I was devastated. I'd been with him longer than without and it completely shook my world. I've been holding it together for the kids but basically spent each day feeling numb and sort of just going through the motions. I had however got to the point where I wasn't crying myself to sleep each night or breaking down crying if talking to friends about it.

Until this week. I have always asked that he let me know when he starts seeing someone (as he refused to admit he already was) and despite kicking off a huge argument two weeks ago when I asked and making out I was crazy for asking as he wasn't, he has now admitted he is seeing someone (I questioned it as the times he is giving to see the kids had drastically reduced).

He maintains he's only been seeing her a month. Even if this were true it still only took him 3 months to move on after over 20 years together. But in reality I believe going on for a while and his messing me about from start of year was just waiting for her to finish her marriage too.

Old cliche. He's her boss. But the real kick in the teeth is that she's same age (although looks considerably older) has two young kids too and is a no looker at all. I always thought he'd be off with some younger thing from office but to trade in for roughly the same life tied working around 2 sets of kids has really thrown me. He refuses to admit it was going on before but he will never ever admit to it for fear of ruining his reputation at work and outing her as a homewrecker too.

So I'm left hurt, angry, humilited (I used to work at same place so know loads there and they know us and our kids) and stupid for not having seen it coming and for trusting him so wholeheartedly.

I'm back to square one and back to thinking about it all the time, getting emotional for no reason and crying myself to sleep. I'm having to keep putting on an act for sake of kids and it's quite frankly exhausting.

So how long will it take to come to terms with this and move on? Im just so sad and lonely and can't see me ever finding anyone else as 1) I rarely get time as have 3 young kids 2) who the heck is going to want a 40 year old mom of 3 with my baggage and 3) I don't think I'd be able to trust anyone again

Never I could have written your post three years ago. Same scenario.
It does get better. I made the decision not to go looking on dating sites etc as I wanted to just concentrate on DS who reacted really badly to ex leaving. I am now really content with life ... I work bloody hard to make ends meet but it is me that does it all and I am really proud of myself. I have a good bunch of friends. Most of all DS is rebuilding himself and is a happy kid (other than usual teenage stuff).
Exh? He is still bitter - still blames me despite him making life so difficult for me and ds that I asked him to go. He and the OW lasted a couple of months and he has had several relationships - the last one left him to go back to her husband!
You will get through this OP and you will be a stronger person. Forget him and her and concentrate on rebuilding life for you and DC

Thankyou I know such a shock he was the last person l thought would do it especially with someone 23 years younger just walked away definitely midlife crisis. I am sure you will be ok its sink or swimxx

Tell him he takes the children. You will see them eow.

Watch him squirm.

The short answer is- he's an idiot.

He knows that. There's no way he will be able to build a life with her and her two young children without a constant tick in the back of his head going 'I'm an idiot'.

Good luck with the heart ache bit. You were healing before, you will heal again. It is just a set back.
I wanted to say, don't let him get away with seeing the kids less. They need to see him but you need time to have your own life too. Insist on it. If he cares so much about what people think, that may help.

Once it hurts a bit less, you will appreciate that free time to look after yourself.

He is being daft in the extreme.
I have always said to my other half if he decides to cheat he had better upgrade and also find someone without kids so the kids inheritance isn't diluted.
Am not making light of it but I would give it a year. If she has 2 young kids the stress will be too much once he has everyone's kids to support.

He hasn't asked for a divorce. I don't need one but I do want financials sorted

When I was in a similar position in my late 40s, I went to the solicitor asking about a separation agreement and immediately he said not to mess around with that, just go straight to divorce.

You can divorce him for adultery. I don't mean this in a blaming sort of way (although I did blame my XH and I am sure you feel the same) it is just quicker and more straightforward. You don't need to name the OW (it is simpler if you don't in fact). When you have got a few things sorted it does become easier although you will be up and down for a long time.

Just take it a day, then a week, then a month at a time. The first year, all the anniversaries etc, is the hardest but after that it does get a lot easier - it gets easier ime after a couple of months.

I would stop him seeing the kids until he sorts his head out. He clearly is having some kind of mid-life related breakdown. Do you really want someone like that who's not thinking straight, caring for your kids?

((Hug))

I'm so sorry you're going through this, it's hard. Very hard. I understand what you mean about feeling worse she's not some single, young, pretty thing. It's easy to see the appeal then, but when they're much like you it feels so much more personal, like you as a person aren't good enough - not that they felt burdened or trapped by family life.

I'm like you and 'need' answers, but try not to ask. You just end up feeling like crap because you're continually showing him how hurt & vulnerable you are and it doesn't make them see what shits they are, it just adds to their own self justification for ending the marriage. Plus, all that happens is you get an answer to one question & your brain finds another, it's a bottomless pit.

It does get better, it really does. Let's face it, it fucking has to because you can't live feeling this bad for the rest of your life. It changes you enormously, in some ways for the worse, but in other ways for the better. You will come to see how strong & independent you really are.

It changes how you are in future relationships, but that change isn't always bad.

As for TWAT, don't allow him to dictate when he will or won't have the kids. They're not playthings, they're a RESPONSIBILITY he can't just walk away from. Think about what's best for them and what suits you & get it committed to. YOU decide if you want to have them if he's not going to be home or if he needs to organise childcare. He doesn't get to just pick & choose when he fancies seeing them.

As much as she's a bitch to have done what she has done, try to remember the blame is all on him. He's your DH & your DC's Dad. Try not to have too much bitterness towards her because in the long run it's not a healthy dynamic for you or your DC. If she treats your DC well then try to appreciate that. She will never take your place, so as much as it hurts like fuck, encourage the DC to have a good relationship with her. For THEIR sake. They're the ones that get hurt when they're torn.

It hurts, a lot, but it does get easier. Promise 💐

He hasn't asked for a divorce.

Well he wouldn't be able because it will cost him a pretty penny. So you need to be the one to do it.

It's typical cowardly behaviour of men, to pull back and be distant, rather than do the right thing and get a spine.

I would stop him seeing the kids until he sorts his head out. He clearly is having some kind of mid-life related breakdown. Do you really want someone like that who's not thinking straight, caring for your kids?

This is probably one of the worst pieces of advice I have ever heard on here.

OP, not that you had even hinted at this in your posts, but please don't listen to this advice and restrict access to the kids. It's not fair, it's not right and you could cause irreparable damage to their relationship with their father. Children need both their parents more than ever at times like this and you haven't mentioned anything that suggests he is not capable of caring for them.

Never I want to give you a hug. It does seem like 10 steps back, but I think if you can spin it around, you might see that actually this is 10 steps forward, as now

1 you know he's moved on. There is no turning back.
2 you know enough truth to understand that your feelings that something was wrong is not false - take comfort that your internal radar WAS working
3 you know he's a liar, do you want to be with a liar?
4 you know he's prioritised another person (whoever it is) over your family and your children's feelings, do you want that person in your life?
5 you need to feel all the pain and emotion as in order to move forward, and this is just another load that you had to deal with to get there.

There may well be other horrible milestones in this OP, like the first time the kids meet the OW, if they have a holiday together, if they move in, get married, have more children... all of it will be shit, but really the best thing you could do, when you are strong enough, is to imagine all of that happening, and live your life as though they have, then the worst won't shock you when it happens.

It Is NOT the end of the world - you will always have your children's love, your integrity, yourself. It's not a competition, but these are things your ex will never have, which may comfort you. Be true and kind to yourself.

Lot of love.

I have not and would never stop him seeing the kids nor have I ever spoke bad about him on front of them nor have they seen me cry about all this. I have bent over backwards to accommodate him around his work schedule which is another thing that stings as it's probably been accomdating him around conducting this relationship too

I know you want answers but they won't help. The issue is he's been lying so even if he now tells you the truth, you'll never be sure if it is the truth. The other issue is the rewriting of history - any discussions you do manage to have will send you crazy with his inevitable remembering things differently to how they were - Google 'gaslighting' and you will see how common this is. Answers will mean exactly nothing at all.

I am over 10 years now since this happened to me - I never got any answers as my ex refused any sensible engagement with me from the day he left but after a while, it no longer matters. Focus on yourself, on getting through the next few weeks, on rebuilding and finding the strength to build that new life. You will survive and you will be happy again.

Okay, so - he is a liar, he threw away everything for something new (and not even something that's going to be anything but more of the same, with a brace of resentful children thrown in for good measure), and now he won't deal with his responsibility to finally make a break and set you free to find someone who is actually worthy of you - completing the spineless pattern he's set all along.

Please remind me of why you're sad to be rid of this giant millstone round your neck?

What you really need to do is be decisive, stop clinging to the past and start moving on. There's also nothing like action from you to make the other party's mind focus on what they're actually losing.... Please, make him take responsibility for the children for a few days, then get up, get out and start the ball rolling with your new life. Go to a solicitor, find out what he'll owe you when you divorce, then send him the starter letter. Show him that he's lost you and that you mean business - and that he has brought this upon himself. There will now be set times for child access, and set days that he will have them so you can get out and start rebuilding yourself.

I know you won't feel like it and it will be hard, but you have to put yourself first. Get a hobby, meet a different friend each week - just get into the mindset that you are in charge. I know you want to mourn the future you thought you had, but you need to start moving towards much better things - and better people - on your terms.

Lemere I'm sad because prior to this year he was my best friend, only person I'd ever loved and father of my kids. We had a great relationship and made each laugh and supported each other. We worked as a team. This is why his actions have shocked me so much. Like I said, I miss the old him not this one and although this will seem shallow I miss my old life too

Never I'm sorry to read this, I have no advice but going through similar at the moment and MN has been my rock over the past few shitty weeks. Hang in there

never...i am sorry your are hurt and feeling the way you do but looking at this objectively:

1. you have no evidence or proof he was seeing the other person prior to ending your marriage
2. if he did meet her and knew his feelings for you had changed and he wanted to be with her and left first before pursuing the relationship with her, well he acted in the way many on mumsnet advice if people post that they have fallen out of love with their spouse and in love with someone else

he left the marriage, sadly this does happen, and he met someone else. that must hurt but i think it is somewhat unfair of the posters stating he is a twat etc....

Why do you have responsibility for DCs? Is he no longer their father? He should have them each weekend surely . You can then get your own time to get out and find new friends/ hobbies.

Jelly that of course is possible but still a kick on the teeth to move on so quickly whilst I'm left doing the majority of childcare whilst he swans about with her

Your marriage has been ended without consultation or your consent, leaving you wallowing in an indescribable mire of fear, uncertainty, resentment, anger, sorrow, indignation, confusion... lots of horrible things.

You can't deal with all these things at once, it will take years.

You need to be coldly practical, adopt a sensible and forward-thinking persona, even if it is only a mask. It won't take away the pain but it will help you cope.

1 Stop thinking about him, who he's with, what he does, why he does things. It isn't your concern any more and he doesn't deserve any of your headspace.
2 Get legal advice. I know you say you don't want a divorce. I didn't, either. That's because you don't want an 'ended' marriage, you want things as you thought they were. You were entitled to that, you trusted him. But he spoiled it and now you have to protect yourself and your dc, legally and financially. You need a divorce and financial settlement, the sooner the better. Get good advice. If you don't, you'll lose money by it.
3 The advice upthread about not looking for a new partner right away, is sound advice. Get counselling for yourself. Establish a new life for yourself. Don't rush into a new relationship. If someone turns up, go slowly. Oh, and talking of 'turning up', if it's out that you and he have split, have you noticed his friends suddenly turning up at your door, or phoning on silly excuses? One of the more disgusting things about the end of relationships is how his contacts all seem to think the newly-abandoned woman will be up for it with anyone.

Good luck. Stop thinking of him and think of yourself.

You are absolutely correct in ensuring you get a financial agreement settled in place asap.

BUT...

get the able rolling for a divorce. why BOT get a divorce? He is in a new relationship, highly unlikely he is going back to you now and yes, the reason why he hasn't is because it will cost him a lot of money - money he would rather spend on his new sports car, designer clothes, OW and her kids. A divorce is the actual step to move on with your life.

He won't and he won't initiate the financial settlement because he KNOWS it is going to cost a hell of a lot of money. Do you realise how much money the 'ex' wife and kids get when a separation happens? And yes, you turfing him out will not affect it in any ways.

I understand you are hurt, your life in turmoil but please do NOT give him the satisfaction of seeing you so downtrodden and pining after him.

Move on!!

Get a new hair style, some new clothes, start smiling again, invite friends over if you cannot get out (get a babysitter if you do want to go out) and get on a dating website - have some damned fun!! Forget the 'trust and relationship' stance! If he can have his cake and eat it, so can you!!

OP. I know it's hard. I know it's easy for us to sit and type what you should be doing but really. Take a deep breath, move forward, don't wallow and show that piece of shit that you are shit got, can walk in your own too feet, can have fun and stick fingers up to him and his 'new life'.

Happened to me op only I had one DS. It came out of nowhere and hit my like a ton of bricks. We weren't married so I got nothing but I got myself sorted, got a job and started over again. I lost so much weight with the stress of it because this man I used to love turn into someone I didn't know. Took me a good year tbh before I met dh and I never looked back. It didn't work out with ow lasted 5 months. I know it's hard it's a lot to swallow at the moment.just focus on yourself your kids and surround yourself with people who love and support you.

OP this happened to me, almost exactly as you are telling it. I'm just over 18 months on and still wake up in shock plenty of mornings thinking, how on earth did this happen.

My advice is to expect huge surges of emotion then periods of relative calm then the emotion returns in a cyclical pattern. I was so fixated on 'feeling better, getting better, being over it' and it just doesn't work like that. Sometimes I feel part of my soul is lost. Other times I feel I'm doing a damn great job on my own. I do have a lovely boyfriend, but it's not a fix-all. There's no much heartache after an unexpected divorce (after any divorce I'm sure).

Feel free to PM me if you need to talk over what's happening with someone who has been there and is still paddling through. I'm so sorry. The sisterhood certainly got me through, lean on your friends and enjoy your children. You will get through it. It is so tough but you will come out a stronger person in the process.

Thank you all. Lovely that you all take time to share and offer advice to a stranger.

Whilst I'm heartbroken and still in shock as to what has happened I'm stronger than I thought I was. We're just at the end of the summer holidays and I've managed to maimly keep busy and give the kids a lovely break having fun days out etc whilst processing this. He took a grand total of a couple of days off to spend with them during this time so it was all mainly down to me too.

I'm tackling jobs around the house by myself that I hadn't done before like building flat pack and decorating.

My wedding anniversary is approaching. It will be tough. So today I'm booking theatre tickets for a show I would love for me and some friends so I don't wallow the day away in self pity.

I know I can do this, I have to for the kids, but I just never knew how much such a betrayal would hurt