The OW has materialised

[Neverwantedthis]

Background: Been with dh over 20 years. No issues, best of friends. 3 kids under 7. Supported him in his career and he's now got to top and is a high earner.

At start of month started acted different. Said he was fed up but assured me it was work stress. Finally dragged truth out of him end of Feb that it was us, his feelings had changed, didnt know why, denied anyone else. Tried to make it work but he refused counselling and quite frankly by end of April id had enough of being only one actually trying and asked him to go. I now know that he was too cowardly to actually do it himself and engineered the situation so id make him go so he can say "I didn't do this".

Anyway I obviously suspected someone else for such a sudden change. He had also done all the usual midlife crisis things like losing weight, getting new designer wardrobe, ordering sports car etc.

So he left and I was devastated. I'd been with him longer than without and it completely shook my world. I've been holding it together for the kids but basically spent each day feeling numb and sort of just going through the motions. I had however got to the point where I wasn't crying myself to sleep each night or breaking down crying if talking to friends about it.

Until this week. I have always asked that he let me know when he starts seeing someone (as he refused to admit he already was) and despite kicking off a huge argument two weeks ago when I asked and making out I was crazy for asking as he wasn't, he has now admitted he is seeing someone (I questioned it as the times he is giving to see the kids had drastically reduced).

He maintains he's only been seeing her a month. Even if this were true it still only took him 3 months to move on after over 20 years together. But in reality I believe going on for a while and his messing me about from start of year was just waiting for her to finish her marriage too.

Old cliche. He's her boss. But the real kick in the teeth is that she's same age (although looks considerably older) has two young kids too and is a no looker at all. I always thought he'd be off with some younger thing from office but to trade in for roughly the same life tied working around 2 sets of kids has really thrown me. He refuses to admit it was going on before but he will never ever admit to it for fear of ruining his reputation at work and outing her as a homewrecker too.

So I'm left hurt, angry, humilited (I used to work at same place so know loads there and they know us and our kids) and stupid for not having seen it coming and for trusting him so wholeheartedly.

I'm back to square one and back to thinking about it all the time, getting emotional for no reason and crying myself to sleep. I'm having to keep putting on an act for sake of kids and it's quite frankly exhausting.

So how long will it take to come to terms with this and move on? Im just so sad and lonely and can't see me ever finding anyone else as 1) I rarely get time as have 3 young kids 2) who the heck is going to want a 40 year old mom of 3 with my baggage and 3) I don't think I'd be able to trust anyone again

I'm left doing the majority of childcare whilst he swans about with her

Probably not the case if she's got two young kids herself to look after.

But like someone else says, try not to think about what he's doing, focus on yourself and your lovely children.

Book the theatre tickets, that's a lovely plan. It is fantastic that you've made the holidays lovely for your children and all the jobs around the house you are doing, nesting in your own space, is a little act of love for your new family unit. You are doing brilliantly and it is such a long process to being better but you just keep on keeping on and the harder times last shorter durations and more time is spent on your own new life x

Seems like he's ditched his kids for her kids. No doubt he sees them way more than your DC. These are the kind of things that affect children as they grow up ..... The feeling of abandonment and that dad prefers stepchildren to them.

It doesn't matter who the new woman is
You wouldn't feel better if she was a 20 year old millionaire supermodel.
It would still hurt.
Be kind to yourself.
It will be hell there is no doubt about it.
One day the pain will fade.

Just to add I've known lots of cases where the ow is not a patch on the wife.

Salt in the wound Sandy! Does it really help to drive such a point home when someone is in immense pain.

It may even not be true, very probably isn't true.

Please, go easy.

I wonder if his work know that he is dating his co-worker...........

Some men just cannot cope without a woman OP and your ex sounds like one of them.
My ex started dating within weeks of us deciding to separate, and while we were still under the same roof. He met his new partner almost immediately. She's younger than me but has 2 small kids. A lot of people have asked me if I think he started seeing her before we split, I don't think he did actually, he was just desperate not to be alone

So sorry to hear about this, what a kick in the teeth. It sounds like you are doing really well practically despite your emotional pain, and this will really help your DCs deal with it- I would agree about seeking a divorce and final settlement ASAP, but also make sure he takes his fair share of the childcare. It's important for your DCs emotional well-being that they build a proper relationship with their dad as well as with you (except where there is any form of abuse, obviously) and it will help give you time to build/rebuild a career and other interests. It will make him give them a proper place in his life and make him more understanding when you need to co-parent on various issues later. I would push for a 50-50 split or something close. All the best for your future

I have always said to my other half if he decides to cheat he had better upgrade and also find someone without kids so the kids inheritance isn't diluted.

It must hurt children like he'll to see their father not only leave their mother, but set up home and become a full time fathers to someone else's children.
These cheating bastards never stop to think of their children.

I was agreeable to 50/50 access. He doesn't want it. He's reduced access since outing her

Why should she push for a 50:50 split when he has walked out?? That would be my worst nightmare, why should she spend half her life without her children when he chose to leave? I did the absolute opposite, I safeguarded my time with my kids while obviously facilitating him seeing them a couple of nights a week.

Please remind me why you're sad to be rid of this giant millstone around your neck?.

Erm because the person who she's lived with for 20 years and who she thought she trusted has seemingly out of the blue hurt her in an awful and possibly unforgivable way.
And to the pp who said its "almost like a bereavement" it is exactly like a bereavement as its a loss of your current life, the life you thought you were going to have and a loss of the person you loved. It also breaks the hearts of your children and causes a huge impact on the wider family too. You will need to give yourself time to grieve all this loss and it is difficult to switch your feelings for your ex off straight away so expect to be up and down for a while.

Op I went through something similar after 19 years and 2 kids together4 years ago. Ex is now 45 with a new baby (what sounds like) a high maintenance gf and according to DS2 he is always stressed and complaining about how difficult his life is. He's just swapped a life which would have been getting much easier by now to one which sounds very complicated.

I would advise getting divorced ASAP as he will get less amenable and less generous as time goes on and the reality of supporting two homes becomes apparent. And of course you cannot and nor should you prevent the DC from seeing him but you sound as though you are putting your kids first. 4 years on I don't think about him unless I have to contact him about DC and no longer care what he is up to, I do get lonely from time to time, but I have peace of mind , good friends and as the DC are older have a lot more freedom.

Fuck. I'm so sorry OP. It's so shocking to read these stories where time and time again seemingly great husbands turn into lying cowardly cheats.
Ime it's almost unheard of for long term married men to just go off their wives and leave, with no other woman to go to.
He may have felt bored/ passionless for a while but it's usually only when there is the opportunity of a new prospect that they actually engineer an end to the marriage.
And then they ALWAYS LIE!! They NEVER admit to cheating. Why is this? ??
I have 2 male friends who did this. Plodded along, met someone else, started emotional affair at least, "got caught" (on purpose) and left. I fell out with one guy because he was trying to excuse what he did by telling me lots of stuff his wife had done in the marriage.
He didn't seem to get just how devastating being repeatedly lied to is.
Its really hard to respect men when they take this well trodden path, and hard to believe someone you thought you knew so well could be such a selfish thoughtless dick.
You sound really strong, and an amazingly good mother, protecting your kids. Absolutely go for divorce. Get a fucking rottweiler of a solicitor. He will probably panic then, and might try a "reconciliation"..don't fall for it. When you hit him where it hurts (the wallet) he might also turn nasty. Hold your nerve.
And don't worry about future relationships. You probably won't (and shouldn't) 100 percent trust another man. That doesn't mean you can't have some fun, date. Get laid. I'm the same age you are, and last time I was online dating I had loads of interest from 20 something men .
Don't forget to have fun, when you can.
You are not defined by this happening to you, and you will be happy in the future x

These,midlife crisis men make me laugh.

They say they feel trapped.
so what do they do?

They get with a younger woman.
Younger woman gets pregnant.
He finds himself right back where he started -
mired in domesticity. By the time his second family have grown up the poor schmuck will be too old and knackered to enjoy his old age. He'll be too poor as,well, what with spending years supporting two families.
whereas, if he'd stayed with his wife, their lives would eventually start to get easier.
The icing on the cake is this:
The initial attraction of these (usually) younger women is lots of sex for him. But once the excitement of the affair dims, which it will and there's a couple of children added into the mix, even the sex will dwindle.off to nothing.
It's a case of out of the frying pan and into the fire!

This is what happens when you make the mistake of thinking with your dick.

Karma OP karma.

Never reading your OP has brought tears to my eyes. I'm so sorry this is happening to you. All I can say is you will grow from this. It sounds glib, but it's true. Your exDH on the other hand will find his life shrinks in all the ways that truly matter. Such treachery really is breath taking, and I believe this is a mid-life crisis and your husband really isn't thinking straight. Be prepared for him to ask to come back possibly months later down the line, and if you refuse to take him back, (and you may want to try reconcilliation, no one can judge) to become bitter and even angry at you. Blaming you for being the source of his discontent by not being a 'better wife' on said date, and time and occassion and similar yada yada bullshit. Steel through it. Do not believe or accept anything negative he says. It will a warped version of the truth, inflated or conflated in order to magnify your 'wrongs' and provide justification for his actions.

Hopefully you'll reach the stage where you can feel a sort of cold pity for the OW. A man like this who can walk away so eadily after 20 years. Not exactly a rock solid foundation to start a new relationship on. I doubt either of them understand the magnitude of what they've done, the potential life long reprcussions or the challenges ahead of them.

You've received some excellent advice on this thread and I can only say that whilst your future will not be the one you envisaged, but it will have many gifts and compensations and there is certainly nothing that prevents your future from being wonderful. By all means grieve for as long as you have to and wallow for a bit. But when that's over you'll be able to embrace the opportunities that will come from this with a fresh spirit. Again probably sounds glib, but I assure you that time will come. I wish you and your dcs the very, very best

Wasn't there a study done where a startling number of people who initiated divorces were asked 10 years later if they regretted it and a large proportion said yes, they wished they had stayed in the first marriage.

Dh started a sport and met several wealthy older men in second marriages now being forced to start all over again with babies and toddlers when first marriage kids teens. Lots of complaining . Dh idea of a nightmare we barely survived it first time round.

Dh started a sport and met several wealthy older men in second marriages now being forced to start all over again with babies and toddlers when first marriage kids teens. Lots of complaining hmm. Dh idea of a nightmare we barely survived it first time round.

Yes, a lot of men leave marriages because they want their freedom.
They then immediately tie themselves down with another family.
It's laughable and it serves them right if they then end up being up to their elbows in shitty nappies, sleepless nights and lack of spare time All over again for years to come.
When those who stuck with their first marriages have way more freedom now the kids are off their hands.

I only know one man who carried on an affair whilst in a long marriage. The wife kicked him out (to his surprise). The new affair with younger woman lasted a few years then fizzled out. He regretted leaving his wife, and ending up living alone in tiny flat, probably relying on porn and escorts. Ick. This led me to wonder whether under the long marriage and respectable surface he really was a secret misogynist - and i wonder if many men who do carry on like this, actually are.

Of course some second marriages are love-matches, but I suspect more than a few fall into scenario I describe above.

Sorry this is happening to you OP. What a shitty thing he's done to you x

I'm really sorry to hear he is being so dismissive of your DCs OP, that is really really low. I guess all you can do is make sure the DCs know you are fully supportive of them spending time with him; sadly you will also have the emotional fall-out from this to deal with as well. What a dick. A life lived well is the best form of revenge, so all the best to you all, and I hope one day you are able to wonder what on earth you saw in him to start with. and

Same situation here OP. Even down to the older OW. He did the stereotypical midlife crap too and I find him moving on to a new family utterly bizarre (she's got 3 the same age as mine). I resolved to ensure I had more fun than him and I have done. The nights my DC are with them I go the theatre, concerts, have drinks and have a lovely time. Admittedly I was going through the motions with that at first and not really enjoying it (being without my children for the first time was HARD) but I certainly am now. I won't say it has been easy. It hasn't. Mostly Ive been furious that he would trade our children for someone else's. He's a very hands on "dad" over there (as he was here) but has consistently failed to put our children first since leaving. He'll pay for that in the long run I'm sure. It's been two years for me and I've been angry for most of it. Largely due up the hurt caused to my children but I have belatedly realised I can't fix that and my sorrow and anger wasn't really doing anything but prolonging my own agony. As PPs have said, it really does take time to get to that point, but you WILL get there.

My exH is still with the OW. He doesn't seem half as loved up and impressed as he once did though. Reality bites. Hilariously he's recently begun moaning to me that he doesn't get any child free time. I'm "lucky" that I do apparently

Mine pushed for divorce but I stalled, I just had too much to think about to face it. We had an initial informal financial agreement that was acceptable to us both but by the time divorce proceedings began he'd had a major rethink and reduced it considerably (from maintenance above CMS figures to the bare minimum). I'd act now in your shoes.

Good luck, it's dreadful I know, and you'll be up and down emotionally for a while but you will come out the other side and be happy again.

Hi Neverwantedthis, I'm in the same situation, he left 9 weeks ago telling me he didn't love me anymore and had feelings for someone else at work. Never thought he would do this to us. He has changed and become so materialistic as he has also moved up the chain of command at work. Think it's gone to his head with the responsibility and recognition, he says he wants more! Lol! I gave him everything and that wasn't enough! You like me need to accept he is not the man you married and move forward being positive that there is someone out there who will love us for who we are and not for what we have. Stay strong I know it's hard but hopefully it will get easier for us both. PM me if you want (not sure how you do it though) xxx

Mostly Ive been furious that he would trade our children for someone else's
what kind of parent leaves their own children to live, n a house with someone,else's children?

As I've said theyve changed and into not a nice people. Midlife crisis! It will catch up with them and then they'll hopefully realise how much they've messed up x