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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband just walked out

77 replies

Pogmella · 02/09/2017 06:11

Can't get hold of anyone in real life but would appreciate some emotional support.

Husband rolled in drunk, had a row. Tried to use his phone for something and realised he'd removed my fingerprint. Things haven't been right for week so challenged him on it. Told me I was crazy and added me (reluctantly after a visit to the bathroom)

Quelle surprise, once he falls asleep.... I find a workplace affair. Hadn't told me because I'm greaving for my mum. What a fucking gent.

He left for a friend's house. We have a 2yo little girl. Apparently this can't be worked out.

OP posts:
CPtart · 02/09/2017 07:18

Well he can walk out on you but not his DD. Let's hope he can still hold down his well paying job alongside juggling his 3.5 days a week responsibility for her! Ask him how he's going to manage that and watch his face.

Original poster
Pogmella · 02/09/2017 07:22

Yeah his new job is lots of travel so I don't think he'll be able to argue much about her being resident with me. Also makes me think it would be hard to work things through as he's going to be away a lot. He'd already lied about having to leave on Sunday and was planning to go to the cinema all day and stay at a friend's to get some space. (This also from snooping through his phone- which I totally get is not OK but feel it was my last option with him being so uncommunicatice)

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 02/09/2017 07:22

If you own the house and his name is on the mortgage, he can't come off it without your agreement and the agreement of the mortgage provider. ATM it sounds as if he wants you to keep the house. So I'd probably see what steps need to be taken to keep it if that's what you decide you want in the end. If you already jointly own a house, he cannot sell it under you anyway and has an obligation to help house his child whilst she is a minor and in full time education. So you may be able to keep the house if he cooperates. There is some kind of order that you can get put on a house to stake residency claim. Someone more knowledgable on the site or a lawyer/solicitor or the cab will be able to advise on this. Now that he has a decent wage, he will have to support your dd with a reasonable amount of money. So all is not lost. And you're not in the brink of becoming homeless, which I think is what part of you fears. I'm sorry you're having such a rough time Flowers.

Original poster
Pogmella · 02/09/2017 07:26

Thank you yes someone has very kindly contacted me with some legal advice, less concerned about our imminent eviction. I want it in my name ideally, even if he comes back I want a bit more independent security.

OP posts:
kateandme · 02/09/2017 07:32

you have mentioned mostly your fears are based around being alone and money/future etc.but what about without him.do you want to be with him still or just afraid of what it would be like without him.because this is wrong type of thinking and youd be forever unhappy with settling for safety in the known to going out there and starting again.plenty of people do it hun.find happiness straight away or when they are healed enough to let it in.
doesn't sound like hes making the effort to fight for you both.
what he done id find quite unforgivable. but only you can decide where to go rom here.but go that way through what your heart wants and need no what you should go for to keep a family.safety money.
because you will be much happier facing the other stuff.dont see it as fearing will you meet someone.see it as someone else WILL love me again the excitement of new beginning.whats enxt for me to be happy.
and of course with a family its never easy as just moving on.god no.but it can can can be done if it comes to that.dont settle. it make so much more trauma and bitterness for all involved.
if you both decide to fight do so.but do it knowing you can.and don't think its all on your shoulders.no matter how untrusting or sad you've been hes decided to step away.so you both need to wan to fight back together.and both work as hard.seeing both faults. but working on both strength and love for eaohter?
you will be raw right now.not only rom the way you found out but from such a horrible thing to happen to a family.all sorts of thoughts racing you wont be able to see clearly! and decision making cant be made on this current fight or flight mode.you need to look after yourself today.add some compassion and care to your needs and let it out.grab hold of family and friends?allow yourself to feel the pain without keeping it all insdie until you burst.
xx

mylittlepony6 · 02/09/2017 07:33

Glad someone has contacted you with legal advice. I ended up buying my ex out of our property. It was really hard at the time but the best thing I have ever done. It meant when I met my DH years later, we both had a property to sell.

Original poster
Pogmella · 02/09/2017 07:34

Thank you kate. He's been so distant for ages it's not exactly impossible to imagine life without him. I just thought stuff was getting better and I wanted another baby with him- our dd is so perfect. I just feel pretty powerless.

OP posts:
kateandme · 02/09/2017 07:49

u will do hun.youve been shocked and your floor must feel swept from underneath you. and why shouldn't it.allow it to be there.its a natural very normal reaction. this is so painful for you and I'm so sorry.
if you want to be with him you need to talk to him.im angry on your behalf because all I'm seeing is him walking out/away/doing other thigns.when to fight means he should be there.
there needs to be talking and lots of it.perhaps not when things are so new and raw but to just walk out no contact when in the event he has done the wrong-doing.i find it baffling and just not on.
have you thought about what would happen if it didn't work.how does it feel.
then how does it feel to live with him forever having a family.do you feel now able for that.to trust him.be with him now and forever.
how do the two compare.
do you have riend close by.i you said no family.but friends.someone anyone even a vicar or local that can just be there.give you a hug or talk rationaly to you.
even going out and sitting in local park or café just hearing the birds and other people seeing life is still going on and your still very much part of its working.
we can be here.only you can decide whats next though.and only when you've talked to.
so don't second guess now.just think with an calm kind open mind on things.if things hit you let them be.let them roll on like clouds in the sky.dont let these demon thoughts o blame or hurt overwhelm you.

Butterymuffin · 02/09/2017 07:58

No new advice but that sounds shit. Tell him he will still need to step up as a dad. BrewCake

Original poster
Pogmella · 02/09/2017 08:00

Thank you all. Have had a shower and got some things in order. I think it's highly likely I'll be staying in my home with my daughter. If he can't see how special that is then he really is a lost cause.

OP posts:
Juststopit · 02/09/2017 08:02

It's hard but you've the right attitude and although it's hard to imagine right now you will come through this.

Original poster
Pogmella · 02/09/2017 08:07

Who walks out on a 20mo ffs. Just because their feelings have changed? I would have thought He'd owe it to her to try counselling.

OP posts:
kateandme · 02/09/2017 08:22

you've gone rom raw hurt to anger now.this is all natural.i wouldn't act on anything to at the frontal reations at the moment.just let them come.its completely rational and good to feel all these things.you must be so fecking angry at him.hurt by him.
he is a twat if hes willing to give up on this like its appearing at the moment.your daughter deserve more and so do you
do something with her today.allow yourself to feel how special life is.how grateful you still can be for the little things still going right.
it will be ok.itl be hard but your ok hun.your still you.your still that mountain standing still and strong no matter the weather or battering by the element the mountains still stand strong.be a mountain hehe!bloom feel the wonder of the world around you standing tall and strong and holding all around you beautifully.(god I went all zen master there)

Gemini69 · 02/09/2017 09:36

Stop putting yourself down Lady and do not grovel to this Man... you deserve so much better .. find yourself some happiness .. Flowers

Original poster
Pogmella · 04/09/2017 00:27

So he came back for a talk on Saturday morning. Told me he loves her, it's not my fault and he doesn't think it can be fixed. Talked through practicalities including custody/the house. I sent that in an email to him and he agreed he'd follow up in writing to confirm. Agreed to meet again Wednesday night. Agreed he would not contact either me or her in the interim and he would try to consider fixing this as much as leaving.

Friends arrived. On Sunday more friends arrived.

One net with him. He reiterated doesn't want to fix it doesn't see how I could forgive. He had contacted her to inform her we are separated. Said his intention is to pursue a relationship with her.

Friends have left. I just broke and text and called him. No response. Feel pathetic.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pogmella · 04/09/2017 00:30

Oh and he didn't confirm agreements in writing. Apparently concerned at my wording that if he gives me the house if we divorce, what if we later reconcile and remarry and I cheat on him so wants to record and add dates. Wtf.

OP posts:
OnMyShoulders · 04/09/2017 00:47

I'm so sorry Pog. My DH had an affair last year and like most of us on here probably, I can resonate with the way you are feeling right now. There really is no pain like it.

Surround yourself with people you love and trust and try to just ride the wave. You WILL get through this and be all the better for it, even though that's hard to imagine at the moment. Flowers

OnMyShoulders · 04/09/2017 12:14

How are you feeling today Pog?

Original poster
Pogmella · 04/09/2017 12:19

Confused. He doesn't want to commit about the house but will let me have it 'if it come to us splitting'. However in the same email said he doesn't see any chance if reconciliation.

I want him to commit to going or trying not just leave me hanging.

OP posts:
inlectorecumbit · 04/09/2017 12:37

So he is keeping you on the back burner in case his new relationship doesn't work out-- you will be his fall back option, his second choice.

Take the choice away from him. Get legal advice and get all this in writing while he still feeling a bit guilty.
You tell him it's over. Take control of you and your DD's future.
He is a cunt. End of.

jonsnowsbuttocks · 04/09/2017 13:31

I'm sorry pogmella this utterly sucks. I'm with you who the duck walks out on a 20 month old. I know you said he kind be kind and funny but I genuinely can't see how he is a nice person deep down. I hope for yours and dd sake he doesn't mess you about on the house front.

troodiedoo · 04/09/2017 13:43

Oh darling Flowers try and take back control. Legal advice asap. Tell him there will be no reconciliation ever.

alittlepieceofme · 04/09/2017 14:16

My ex has walked out on my 9 month old and I 2 weeks ago, we had been talking about marriage and another baby literally the week before! he has said exactly the same things that his feelings have changed and we can't work on things! I'm convinced there is someone else but he has denied it! Things are totally shit at he moment and I totally feel for you! I've started going to counselling to try and help me get through this, perhaps that's something you could do?

hellsbellsmelons · 04/09/2017 16:26

OK... this is shite - but stop phoning and texting him.
You are doing the 'pick me dance'
They lose all respect for you when you do this.
You are currently being the total opposite of what he thinks he wants.
No man wants a needy, clingy woman begging for him
Really they don't.
You need to show him that you can do this on your own.
You don't need him and you don't want him.
Even if you do.
He needs to feel the loss of you.
He can't do that if you are phoning, texting, begging etc....
Tell everyone.
Get as much RL support around you as you can.
Brave face when you have to and cry and scream when you can.
Don't believe a single word he says about what he will give you.
That will soon change.
Just take it a day at a time for now.

alittlepieceofme · 04/09/2017 18:38

I think I have been doing the 'pick me dance' at the pity party I am currently attending!