My dad hit me (I'm 48)

[Frogtits]

I don't see my parents often as we live in different parts of the UK.

I've posted on MN under my current name as I want to cut down my consumption of alcohol.

On my last visit to my parents, I accidentally set off the smoke alarm in their house because I burned toast.

It was early in the morning.

My dad came storming downstairs, shouted that I had woken every one up and kind of pushed/thumped with his hand.

I am so upset.

To give background - my parents regularly hit me or threatened to slap / spank me during my childhood.

My mum slapped my face so hard, when I was 14, that my jaw was bruised and I found it hard to eat. The reason she hit me was because I accidentally spilled some rice on the floor.

She often threatened to slap me after that incident.

If I'm honest, I want to distance myself from them...

Can any of you relate to this?

God, some awful stories

My dad's erratic behaviour was sometimes just bizarre - on one occasion, he threatened to stab my pet fish to death with a screwdriver!

He threw drinks over me and told me he wanted to send me away and never see me again.

Other people adore him.

A dear friend of mine had the most horrific parents.

His dad beat him and his siblings with a stair rod - he didn't stop doing it until they were in their teens and able to fight him off.

The emotional abuse was even worse.

His dad was a classic sadistic and sociopath.

I think all your Mothers should have a tea party with my mother....

At 76, my mother screamed in the old fashioned lean-to attached to the kitchen that she would 'Not be threatened in her own house!' as a means to attract attention from her neighbours who are on all sides.

Completely false and unwarranted and done with a sly smirk. Why? Because after screaming blue murder at me in her kitchen over my refusal to do something she wanted, she lunged, as she always used to do when I was a child and went to raise her hand to hit me in the head. I was in my late 30's.

I grabbed her wrist, and said with a sneer very close to her face 'you'd love to hit me again wouldn't you? Give me a right good smack like you used to? Well you can't now, can you? The tables have turned and I'm much bigger and stronger than you. That must eat you up inside...'

and i let go of her wrist.

She recoiled in horror as I believed in that moment, it had either finally dawned on her that a) she was past it or, and I hoped, b) that she'd finally realised all her unfathomable beatings over the years had left their mark on me. Literally and figuratively. And I wouldn't be taking any more.

Stupid me though. As in that moment, I'd clearly forgotten the levels of emotional abuse she was capable of stooping to, the moment she decided to step into the lean-to immediately afterwards and effectively scream she was being threatened. Consequently, I naturally concluded that the situation was 'a)' and that by hook or by crook, if she couldn't batter me into submission, she was going to fuck me over by some other means... Screaming loudly enough so the neighbours would hear that she was being threatened by me was her only recourse.

Needless to say, after a couple more incidents where she was effectively behaving like a class one , I have finally gone no contact.

As lonely as I am with no family now.. I have a child and I will not expose it to their BS. Not ever.

Stay strong OP and stand your ground x

These stories are all so sad. I thought I was one of the few adults with such a volatile parent.

My dad last went for me when I was 32, I called them as the car had broken down at the side of a busy A road a couple miles from their house. As the car was smoking (something to do with the diesel fuel pump) we had to get out and wait roadside. We had to wait for the AA who would be a couple of hours, it was dangerous and a cold February day. I rang them to see if they could collect the kids and take them back to their house while me and DP waited. After explaining the situation on the phone to Dad he started winding himself up and getting angry with me for buying such a ridiculous unreliable car. I told him not to worry, I would stay put and wait.

Twenty minutes later, Dad turns up and starts screaming at me in front of DP and the kids and waving his fists around telling me how stupid and irresponsible I was (note: nothing said to DP). We had high vis vests, hazard triangle out, kids safely up a grass verge, hazard lights on the vehicle and awaiting recovery. I don't know what else I could have done. I saw red and lost my rag, said if he raised his fists to me again I would wipe the fucking floor with him. I have never shouted so loud or threatened anyone like that in my life and I was terrifyingly calm in my head. I think he realised at that point he was on the back foot and couldn't abuse me again, I'm taller, stronger, heavier than him and i think he suddenly realised that he would come off worse. He got in his car and drove off telling me that he would have my 'fucking children put in a fucking orphanage'. About 3 days later a cheque for 3k and a letter arrived telling me to buy a reliable car. I sent it back.

No incidents and no apology 7years later but he knows a line has been crossed.

I have gone Nc with my mum over my awful childhood with the physical and emotional abuse dished out...my daughter keeps Lc with her and lets me know whats going on....she is 79 now and not in good health....I won't miss her one bit when she dies...sooner rather than later I hope...she is and always has been selfish and emotionally stunted...the world will be a better place with her not in it...I will be a happier person when she is dead

We all know there is never an excuse for violence but I absolutely believe these circumstances to be the exception.

More often than not, they will stop if you stand up to them.

I've developed the red mist thanks to being pushed and pushed and pushed until I exploded at age 15. That is still there. Since if anyone has pushed or been aggressive towards me or think they can overpower me by their size (I'm tiny), they get a shock and it's not that I can overpower them, it's the fact that "no one can hit me harder than that which I endured as a child"

Sad but true.

These stories make my heart so sad. It’s dreadful how abusive some people can be and sadly, how it’s not as uncommon as you would think.

I’m NC with majority of my family - LC with one or two. The main person who has made it her apparent mission to destroy me since I was a child is in her 80s now and will probably not be around for much longer.

The only feeling that gives me is relief. And it makes me so angry that I have become that person

My goodness, Yorick - that is a very powerful piece of advice.
Sorry, it might have worked for Yorick but it's not good advice. If you hit back at an abuser you are likely to escalate the abuse. Instead of a thump, a beating, Instead of a beating, death. Don't do it. Cut contact instead.

Velvet knickers.....I know exactly how you feel....I hate feeling the way I do but it's far to late to forgive and forget....while she is still alive I feel I can't live the life I want for myself I feel like I am living under a big black cloud.

DH had a friend whose dad hit him and is siblings. When the friend got to about 17 he hit his dad back and was never hit again. Not so his siblings though. Both of whom grew up to be assively succEssful in their fields but hopeless and awful alcoholics. The friend is a hippy druggy drop out.

Your parents are damaging you physically and psychologically, so look to counselling, as you don't want to wind up like dh's mate or his siblings.

(And yes, hit him! It'll really empower you.)

My dad too was a horrible father. The last time he punched me and gave me a black eye was when I was 16. My mum told her friends that he had done it, which was a relief. About 10 years ago, I gave my dad what for. I decided that I'd had enough of bullying, put downs and the rest. Since then, he's treated me with respect and we are now able to have a better relationship. My mum has suffered inordinately by staying with him. She now lives in a care home with Alzheimer's.

These days it is my husband who is the problem. Unlike my dad, my husband means harm. Oddly he still eats the food I prepare. My husband is every bit the monster he denies being. Years ago I remember telling him that he didn't 'do love'. Abuse is very hard to articulate sometimes.

The last time my Mim ever hit me, I caught her wrist and held it in the air in front of my face.

I told her that she could never do that again as I was bigger than her now.

I'm sure if you asked her now, she'd tell you that she and my Dad never laid a finger on me, but I will never forget being pinned on the landing floor with my arm twisted up my back, or being slapped so hard my lip burst.

She'll never ever be alone with my children, even if she has re-written history to the point where she believes it.

Love and strength to you, OP.

I was adopted by an older couple. My dad was the kindest man you could ever meet. My mum was highly strung and difficult. She would say awful things to my brother and myself. If we were slightly naughty she would say adopting us was the worst thing she had ever done. She would also slap me hard for minor misdemeanours.

The last time she slapped me was when I was sixteen. I just coolly looked at her and told her that if she ever did that again I would hit her back twice as hard. I was told again it was the worst thing she had ever done adopting my brother and me to which I responded that it was the worst thing for us as well.

Reading these sad stories, my mum seems saintly in comparison.

while she is still alive I feel I can't live the life I want for myself I feel like I am living under a big black cloud.

That is exactly it. I have gained a lot of emotional distance from my abusive parents in the last few years. I feel like I am almost there since I decided to stop thinking of them as my parents (quite recently) and therefore get off this awful emotional rollercoaster of hoping they will love me and being let down.

They are very wealthy (whilst we are all quite poor) and in a lot of ways them dying would be the best thing that could happen for all of us as just the value of the properties they own alone would provide all four of us siblings with secure housing.

I think getting to the point emotionally where I feel comfortable with that fact, that on every measure I will be better off when they are dead, is where I need to be next but I still feel heartbroken even typing it out on this thread.

Horrible dad here. He ruled the house through fear, a very clear memory when I was 7/8 my mum was ill in bed, I had made a noise, he sent me to my room, came in with a hunting knife, lifted my top and ran it down the middle if my body, ever so slightly touching me, he said next time he will gut me. He used to hit me with the buckle of the dogs collar, belittle me all the time. Still tries it today, I bite back. The last time he tried to hit me was about 15 years ago, my brother floored him.

lou, you need to cut all contact with that unspeakable monstrous turdbag and consider reporting it to the police. I realise an outcome is unlikely so long after the incident, but it will be recorded and might be useful later if he threatens someone else.

Obviously it wasn't a possibility when you were a small child, but consider that within law, you'd have been within your rights to kill him when he held a knife to you and threatened you with death.

Truly shocking stories. I think it's worth noting information here from the government website:

"Domestic violence and abuse: new definition:

^any incident or pattern of incidents of controlling, coercive, threatening behaviour, violence or abuse between those aged 16 or over who are, or have been, intimate partners or family members regardless of gender or sexuality. The abuse can encompass, but is not limited to: psychological, physical, sexual, financial, emotional.

Domestic abuse or violence is a crime and should be reported to the police - there are also other organisations who can offer you help and support. Call 999 if it’s an emergency or you’re in immediate danger.

The police take domestic violence seriously and will be able to help and protect you^"

I would strongly caution against fighting back because part of an abuser's arsenal is, if the police are called, they can twist the story 180 degrees to portray you as the aggressor who injured them first and they were the ones acting in self defence. Legally you are on very shaky ground. It's all very difficult to prove either way and it can leave you reluctant to call the police in the future because you are worried you might be the one under scrutiny.
Better to avoid any situation altogether if possible, otherwise call 999 as soon as you feel threatened. to all

(bold/italics fail )

I'm 48 and my dad tried to punch me in the face recently and also tried to drag me out of his house.

He's an emotional and verbally abusive bully and treats my mum like crap.

I stood up to him when he called me a shit mother, I'm many things but not one of them. He's now disowned me. Said he'll never utter a word to me as long as he lives. I believe him to.

I've chosen to still visit my mum and he hides upstairs while I'm there. He's tried to ban me from the house but my mum needs me to visit as she's disabled.

I long to have a 'normal' family as it's been dysfunctional since I was a child.

I feel for you but I have no useful advice I'm afraid as I'm at a loss to how some fathers can be so cruel to their children

for you though.

Offered....I hope they leave you lots of money in their will....I was told along time ago that they were not leaving me anything....I replied that's okay I have always hated you and you can stick your money up your arses...me and hubby are financially ok so wont worry...I did not go to my fathers funeral and won't be going to my mothers. I just feel really sad sometimes and will always grieve for the parents they could of been loving and kind not cold and emotionally detached.

How horrific some of these stories are.

It's true - the dynamic never changes.

My neighbour is a doctor in his 30s and his dad asked him if he was really allowed to write prescriptions. My mum still reaches out to hold my hand when we cross the road. In their heads their kids are still aged about 8.

I always say that as a kid if I could I would hit back and retaliate against those adults who would hit me as punishment. But of course, I wouldn't as they would hit me more for it. I tell my mother this, as an adult now, and she just shakes her head and asks how I could be so disrespectful. I would never dream of hitting my children, but I always hear from my older relatives that it never did me any harm?? Yes, it did. In a massive way.

Move away from them if you can. They are not allowed to treat you like this.

I moved away only an hours drive....they don't drive....happy days

@offred
All that happened was I ended up being more damaged because my dad became really abusivr towards her and I ended up having to do all the wifework he thought she should be doing while she was really ill.
Thanks for your reply. Like you I have found that the abuse continues no matter how hard I try amd be helpful.