My dad hit me (I'm 48)

[Frogtits]

I don't see my parents often as we live in different parts of the UK.

I've posted on MN under my current name as I want to cut down my consumption of alcohol.

On my last visit to my parents, I accidentally set off the smoke alarm in their house because I burned toast.

It was early in the morning.

My dad came storming downstairs, shouted that I had woken every one up and kind of pushed/thumped with his hand.

I am so upset.

To give background - my parents regularly hit me or threatened to slap / spank me during my childhood.

My mum slapped my face so hard, when I was 14, that my jaw was bruised and I found it hard to eat. The reason she hit me was because I accidentally spilled some rice on the floor.

She often threatened to slap me after that incident.

If I'm honest, I want to distance myself from them...

Can any of you relate to this?

He knew when they were and weren't there. He always used to turn up after I broke up with him. Let himself in once while I was sleeping in the middle of the night. I had spent previous weekends hiding upstairs with the lights off so he wouldn't know I was there. It was crazy how frightened I was of him.

That's horrible Offred

(All the people know that should know - GP, SC, police etc and I've been seen by psychiatrist and had bloods done to check on my health etc)

My parents behaved in similar ways. I have posted about it before because it is still difficult to live with.
My Dad is now dying of cancer and I find it very difficult to visit them. I have visited and it was OK because he was in a hospice at the time. I feel obliged to go and help care for him as he is at home but I just cannot face it. Reading the responses on here about your father's behaviour makes me feel better about not going.
I do ring my mother often though and talk to her and offer support as if things are OK. She is in pain and already grieving and I want to help her as a human being. She would never and has never offered me similar care and consideration but they must have done something right because they did raise me I suppose?
I am sorry that so many of us have had abusive families.

Iris I think not going and helping is a perfectly understandable choice.

When my mother got ill and nearly died I felt similarly about being 'human'. I went every day and cooked and cleaned and let her play with my toddler twins. All that happened was I ended up being more damaged because my dad became really abusivr towards her and I ended up having to do all the wifework he thought she should be doing while she was really ill. It brought me back to being 12 when my mum went back to work and I suddenly was expected to start cooking dinners for the family.

I'm so sorry to hear of all the terrible experiences from people on this thread. It just never fails to shock me how terribly deeply the psychological control and hurt from abusive parents runs. It colours the course of a person's entire life.

I was hit and emotionally abused as a child. My dad still hit me until I moved out at 20. I am now non contact with my parents. For me that is the only option, as there is no going back from how they behaved.

The last time my mother hit me, I was 19, I held her hand back and looked her in the eye and said 'no'. She backed down. But something I remembered as I was reading everyone's posts on here, was the time, when I was 12 or 13, she hit me in the middle of the top of my head with a stiletto. Blood spurting everywhere, think it was upstairs or something at someone's wedding so lots of witnesses. As an adult looking back at this, I remember that she gave my younger sister the task of cleaning it up and making sure no-one found out. She did it willingly. She was always the one who cleaned up her messes. She was 8 years old. My heart breaks for that little girl

That's horrendous right

My heart is breaking reading this thread. I cannot believe there are 'parents' that actually treat their children like this.

I feel for each and every one of you, you have all suffered horrendously.

My father still attempts to hit me when he deems I've been "cheeky"

I'm 27 years old, married with a toddler, mortgage and a full time professional job. I'm far from perfect but I've never been any trouble may have sidled in hammered at 15 the odd time but that's about it - straight A student, no drugs, debt etc..

Anyway, the punishment never ever met the crime. As I said - the occasions when I came in at 10pm after necking some White Lightening in a field was met with rolled eyes and "your head will be sore in the morning" - yet if I'd ever dared slam a door or had a row with my mum over the hoovering then I'd have been "in for it" when my dad got home

Even now, last year we had a row over my car - theirs broke down in the early AM and even though the public transport system here could leave them both outside their workplaces for 9am; they demanded I gave them my car. I explained (as they knew anyway ffs) that I needed my car for work - I work in the sticks, plus onsite work (engineering field) - so I couldn't..anyway the row got so bad my father chased me up the stairs and I had to lock myself in their ensuite with him banging on the door threatening to kill me until my mother managed to see sense and talk him round

Absolute lunatics. She's as bad; more of an enabler. Won't have a bad word said against him despite his numerous affairs, but he keeps her in a life of luxury with handbags and cruises so yano and she's not in the slightest bit afraid of him; he knows if he as much as raises his voice to her she'll either publicly embarrass him or throw him out temporarily

Madness. Lovely and engaging people when they aren't being insane. And I grew up thinking this was normal until I had my DS. I talk to DS when he's misbehaving, he will never ever feel fear when it comes to me and his father

Hi Bluntness - no, not drunk. Don't know why I mentioned my posts re cutting down on booze - perhaps, subconsciously, I connect the violence with alcohol? My parents weren't heavy drinkers, but my did seem to "need" a couple of gin and tonics every evening.

Thanks all for your replies - I'm sorry so many of you have experienced similar abuse ...

The last time my Dad hit me was the time I hit him back. I was 15.

This is totally not OK to be slapping ones daughter like this, neither when the daughter was little nor at age 48, in my opinion. In the country where I live it's a legal offence to hit or slap children, and has been since so since 1979, which I partially recall very well due to a row with my dad (I was a teenager then). I can relate very well to PoorYorick's story about a row with her dad, and the screaming, ranting and slamming of doors except I wasn't in my twenties but rather around 14 or 15 and that law about child abuse had just been introduced.

What you describe sounds, to me, utterly wrong and it seems your parents have a weird (and quite unnecessary) attitude to violence, going about slapping people in the face so the jaw gets displaced sounds very out of place. The fact that you were slapped and abused already as a child in no way makes it right to continue to do so to this day. And on top of it, making jokes about hitting (or not) you and your sibling(s).

If you distance yourself from these people, nobody in their right mind would find it odd or peculiar. If they have anger problems, you shouldn't accept being the one who is the punch bag.

Your story of your mum and dad as they are now is just so sad, they won't ever change (even though we would wish they did). That you in the future, and as an adult, not accept being tossed around doesn't mean you don't love and like their good sides as they probably have too, but that they are this violent with you and your siblings is a bad family pattern and totally not acceptable, in my view.

The last time my Dad hit me was the time I hit him back. I was 15.

Same here.

You must fight fire with fire, in my opinion. The red mist came over me, I'd had enough. I pinned him up against the wall with my face to his and he looked right into my eyes.....and saw himself.

They both did it, they both stopped that day.

Thanks all - so many shocking stories...

My dad has always had an explosive temper - he can be quite frightening.

My mother is a cold woman.

I have never hugged my dad and my mum hates hugs.

I rarely say this because in most cases I think LC is a much better way to go for minimal drama and anxiety, but in this instance...consider NC.

OP, there is a time when you need to ignore all that stereotypes that society hammer into us:
-That all parents care about their kids greatly
- That your parents cannot be wrong, it is you that may be doing something wrong and causing such behaviour.
- That good children take care of their parents whatever they do.

I was sexually abused in high school too and bullied very badly. I told the teachers, they just told my mum by the time I managed to get away I stayed with my boyfriend but his family were very poor and had 5 kids so we were sharing a single mattress on the floor in a room with his brother and I had to buy my own food. I had £11 per week income support eventually. My parents tried to initiate family therapy which was just awful as they used it as a way of listing all my faults and embarrassing me so I stopped going.

They then enrolled me in a program for challenging kids (basic maths and English when I had 9 GCSEs 1 A and 8 Bs) and I told them all about home, they just phoned my mum and told her what I'd said and tried to get me to go home saying 'all teens hate their parents'

I went back for a few months, started an apprenticeship in a nursery but they demanded more than I earned in keep, I met abusive XP and stole money from my parents for a train ticket to runaway to the other end of the country with him.

That was a disaster as he was abusive, I OD'd but lasted 6 months down there before we had to flee because XP had been stealing the rent that I'd been paying him. Then I got a job at the fair, was raped by my boss and ended up squatting, being beaten and raped by someone there.

I met this amazing guy one night when I was working in a bar. He let me stay at his place for 6 months to get sorted and he looked after me, he wasn't interested in me sexually because he could see I was vulnerable and he just looked after me.

He was the first person who was simply kind to me in my life. I'm still really grateful to him.

My mum is generally a good mum but had some MH issues (Now resolved). At 13 she hit me in a supermarket,round the face and ear so hard she knocked my earring out. I told her if she ever hit me again I would hit her back harder (I was taller than her and stronger even at 13). She never hit me again no matter how bad her temper got, oddly enough.

I think you need to go no contact - your father will never change (unless perhaps he gets dementia/becomes very frail when he is older).

My mother was horrendously physically and emotionally abusive. Moving away (like you) and going low contact and later no contact was the best thing i ever did. Not seeing him may also help you get control of your alcohol consumption. He will never change and you can't change the past, you will never get the better relationship you would like and he will never understand or ask for your forgiveness. He adds nothing positive to your life and will only damage any DC you might let him have contact with as well.

Look to your own self care and continue your healing

I'm so sorry for all of you on this thread who've experienced such terrible abuse. No one deserves that and you sound incredibly strong for dealing with what you've been through.

I was regularly hit by both my parents. With my dad, it degenerated quite early into just throwing things at each other, but I didn't like him anyway, so it never seemed such a big thing.

When I was about 15 or 16, my mum decided to beat me (because I had a glass of her coke which she had said I could have before she got drunk and forgot). She kept knocking me around the room, off my feet, and I kept getting up. My siblings (including my 6' tall older brother) were there, clinging onto each other and crying.

In the middle of this, I just got indignant, and for the first time really noticed that I was actually quite a bit bigger than my mum. I told her that if she didn't stop hitting me, I would hit her back. She went 'oh yeah?' or something, then hit me again. I slapped her in the face. Not hard, but the shock of me doing that stopped her. I then went and locked myself in the bathroom.

I was expecting her to beat me again, and to never let me forget about it, but she actually never mentioned it. She also never hit me or any of my sibling again.

I can honestly say that that was a turning point in my life. I realised that there are ideas of right and wrong embedded in the mind, that when you think about them are just habit - the idea that it is wrong to hit your parents, for example, when really sometimes it is the only sensible course of action.

It also helped me realise that going along with what bullies want (for my mother was basically a bully) only gets you more of the same, and you do have to stand up to them to get them to stop. This may not be physical - going NC, or reporting the assault to the police would also be ways of standing up to a bully, rejecting their way of doing things.

I'd get beaten with a shoe, dragged around by my hair, slapped or locked in the stairs. I realised quickly that when they locked me in the stairs I could just go out the front door and come in the back door so they started locking the back door and I started running away instead. I used to be able to get into the nearby park before my dad would be able to get into the car and chase me. One time he was dragging me out of the park and an off duty policeman stopped his car and questioned him, he just said 'it's my daughter' and the policeman left him to it.

So many people I tried to get help from and none of them helped. It makes me sad. This was in the mid 90's too, it wasn't like it was in the 60's.

My mum used to attack me, properly attack me, choke me, threaten me with knives, kick, punch, slap, hit me with coat hangers, spit in my face. All through my childhood. I was terrified of her. Apparently children's brains develop differently when they live in fear of death. I was scared she'd kill me every day. As soon as thinks kicked off I would think "please don't strangle me" that was my worst fear, anything else I could take. I still remember the sick fear. Once when I was 13 she did it and in my panic I scratched and clawed at her, scratching her face. My Dad gave me a lecture on never raising my hand to my mother - even when she was strangling me seemingly. The last time she hit me I was 18 and she punched me, went to do it again and I grabbed her arms and pushed her with all my strength across the room, she fell against a cupboard and I said "I am 18 years old, you're not going to hit me again", she came at me again and I did it again and again. My Dad came running in then and pulled her away. That was the last time and it's never been mentioned since. Two decades later I have only just managed to find the strength to go NC after my Dad screamed at my dd. They were always ok with them, not perfect but ok but recently I noticed the impatience, nit picking and eye rolling towards my kids that I remember so well as a child. So that's it, they had their chance, many chances in fact.