I need to tell him I want to divorce

[Inarightpickleandchutney]

It's not an awful marriage we've just lost the spark, I'm now at a stage where he's irritating me and I don't want to end up in a place where we hate each other.
I think he feels that we've hit a rough spot but i feel we've hit the end.

One DD, age 10.

I just can't put my finger on exactly why but we are not in love, don't behave like we are in love and live like roommates.

What do I say??

We need to talk? I want a divorce? How do you start that conversation?

I asked him to come to relate, he said no.
It's so difficult to communicate with him, if I present an issue as something we can work on he takes it as I'm having a go.
I have anxiety and my counselling lady suggested that a lot of my anxiety is actually caused by him. Now I see that I am seeing it all the time.

I had similar, mine came after a straw that broke the camels back issue. He knew I wasn't right after that and went on the defensive of "well we won't be together will we as you're not happy blah blah" normally I'd smooth it over but I just said "actually you're right, I don't love you and want to separate". Every other conversation I reiterated it. It was hard, but 10 months on, im in my own place and so bloody happy.

How did that conversation go red?
I'm going to need my big girl pants and want to make sure I don't mess this up!

Well if you won't go to relate he's made the decision it's over tbh.

Financially how would you see things panning out? Is there enough equity to but 2 smaller properties? How would you see DD splitting her time?

I would get legal advice and tell him that for you the relationship is over because he refused to work with you over the issues and what you want to happen.

I was exactly the same as you and left my husband when my daughter was 6 ....I just sat him down and said I didn't love him anymore it was that simple he agreed and we amicably sorted everything out....I now have a great relationship with him and we were great at co-parenting my daughter says she is really proud of both of us and says she can see why we were not compatable. I have remarried and am very happy 12 years this July. You just need to say it as it is get straight to the point and be clear that the marriage is over. You could maybe write some notes for yourself with bullet points to keep the conversation on track....it can be done....keep calm...good luck

No beating around the bush. Tell him you tried to get him to address your problems through counselling but his decision was to refuse. Now you have made the decision to get divorced. He can't have it both ways - he can't refuse to work on your problems and expect you to stay. He made his bed, let him sleep in it alone while you move on.

Ok, I can do this!
We've been married 15 years.
I have a thought that I'd love for me and DD to go into rented for 6 months which I can pay myself up front from savings.
House is worth around £320 right now, owe £160k
We are in the process of a renovation which will see the house value at around £430k.
I work part time earning not much, but my husband is self employed and I have a small share as a silent partner.
So I have income of around £12k plus child benefit.
I could never buy a property by myself without a full time job which I'm open to! Be happy to actually!y head is on a spin but I just can't see anything past this conversation

RandomMess
Well if you won't go to relate he's made the decision it's over tbh.

No he is sticking his head in the sand and denying there is a problem

I would get legal advice and tell him that for you the relationship is over because he refused to work with you over the issues and what you want to happen.

No. At least own the relationship ending and not place all the blame on him.

He truly doesn't want to admit to any problems that might be his.
He wants me to go away deal with my anxiety and
Come back. The fact that he could be a part of that is unthinkable to him.

Ok, can anyone help with how to actually have the conversation?
Should I just say that I we need to talk, I'm not happy and I feel we would be happier and better parents if we separated?
Sorry I'm being so flaky but I am in knots trying to figure it out.
I know I'd manage on my own and DD would be happier as she has said before that he is negative and grumpy (he is, the man can suck the joy out of any room).
I'm just not sure how I confront it wohim.

When you tell him don't be apologetic. Be factual. Why cant you stay in the house?

Although, Yes, if you want out probably more proper to leave.

Seek him out in the evening and tell him that for you the marriage is over and you'll be filing for divorce.

random do I line up a rental first?
Or do I tell him first? What's the best way?
If he comes back with 'let's do relate' I just don't want to it's too late and too many things have been done, I want out and want to be decent but don't want to be sucked back in.

That's why I said about getting legal advice first and thinking about what you want to do.

Potentially you can both stay whilst you sell the house etc. Ask for a larger share of the equity if you will remain main cater or trade off against his pension.

I wouldn't rush to move out!

You could use relate as mediation to make it clear that you are done, it's too late and to discuss how to separate.

My husband bought me out of the marital home...I got a small mortgage and bought my own house and he paid me monthly child maintainance and I went back to work full time hours but 2 jobs split so I could do school drop off and pick up when he had my daughter every Thursday night and alternate weekends I worked. Just tell him straight you want a divorce...don't be afraid.

I was able to get the small mortgage based on child maintaince and child benefit paid to me

You are very focused on the finances. You need to do some research and give a lot more thought to the impact a divorce will have on your daughter and on you when you may end up only seeing your child for 50% of the time. Please don't let yourself be caught up in a thread where you are pressurised into making a decision which you may yet regret.
To refuse counselling now would be churlish of you . Your husband is in a different headspace to you with regards where your marriage is and you owe it to ALL of you to work a little more than you appear to have done so far ( him as well as you) I'm always sceptical of counsellors who suggest that the blame for a marriage break down should lie with their clients partner.

Ok, this is useful, thanks!
The thing is I'm already mentally moved out and this renovation has no emotional attachment for me. I thing he has got his own house in mind and I've gone along with it.
Dd I feel would be fine if it were me and her with an access arrangement with him. She feels nervous around him because he doesn't realise he does it but he cuts her down during a chat and she doesn't feel able to really talk to him like she does with me.
God I'm in a state, I've got to get his done.

If he says yes let's do the relate then I will go for it, because you are right I owe it to all of us to find a solution.
I'm very resentful because I've literally in words that cannot be mistaken said I want this to work (this was a year ago), this is what I'd like to suggest.
His response was that my problem was my anxiety and he could do nothing to help that and then I suggested relate to help us communicate and he said no he didn't think we needed that just for me to go and deal with my issues and come back.
All that being said I'd still agree to relate if
He said he would.

He may suddenly choose relate when he realises you are serious and the impact divorce will have on him.

Would you go? Knowing you have told him before and he said no?
Just t to Go into it with honesty?

Anyone? I'm sorry, I'm really not sure what to do, line up something rented first or have the conversation first.