I need to tell him I want to divorce

[Inarightpickleandchutney]

It's not an awful marriage we've just lost the spark, I'm now at a stage where he's irritating me and I don't want to end up in a place where we hate each other.
I think he feels that we've hit a rough spot but i feel we've hit the end.

One DD, age 10.

I just can't put my finger on exactly why but we are not in love, don't behave like we are in love and live like roommates.

What do I say??

We need to talk? I want a divorce? How do you start that conversation?

As others have said, don't move out. Not until you've seen a solicitor and know you can do so without penalising your future self.
Fwiw, your story could be mine. Unhappy for a long time, a lot of anxiety, kept trying to talk to him and wanted counselling but got nowhere. Then suddenly he's 'shocked' when the end comes.
My life is so much better now and the anxiety has all but disappeared. Funny that.
Here's my advice:

1. Remember that it doesn't matter how hard you work to save a marriage if the other person doesn't put the work in too.
2. You can leave for no reason other than you want to. You are not obliged to stay if you are unhappy.

Try look into the future and imagine how you'll feel once the decree absolute for the divorce is in front of you. Will it be regret that you didn't try harder or relief because it's finally over and you can move on? I think that will give you your answer.

winchester how did your conversation go? Did you simply say I don't love you and want out?

Stop discussing it.

Tell him, "I don't want to be with you anymore, I will be filing for divorce"

He will keep on at you expecting you to fall back into line. Broken record technique.

Obviously this assuming you 100% want out. He promises to change ask him to move out whilst he proves it.

Is there a format I've read about here before?
Firstly he's gone there's no problem, then had a massive go at me then moved into the spare bedroom.
What can I expect tomorrow if anyone has any experience? I know you don't know him but if it follows a pattern I'd be interested to know!

Huffing and puffing? Cold silent treatment?

What do you expect based on what he's usually like?

Probably the nice trying to reel you back in?

He will try to get you back on side next. Expect over-blown romantic gestures and promises of change.

He's in denial from the sound of it pickle, in which case you can expect everything from Mr Nice Guy trying to persuade you he's worth sticking around for, to emotional blackmail (on his own behalf or that of DC's) about how awful life will be if you split, to sulking, stonewalling and outright nastiness. Which order they will come in is anyone's guess but I'd be surprised if you don't see all of them at some point.

This is why you need to be absolutely resolute in your own mind about what you want, it's all too easy to be swayed if you have doubts. Managing the situation at home isn't going to be easy which is why we're all urging you to get legal advice asap so you can work out the best way to separate properly, living together isn't going to be tolerable for long.

He sounds like someone who can't understand your perspective and reacts defensively.

It's likely you will be blamed, often because of mental health issues.

He's likely to feel out if control which could cause him to react angrily.

I think you can gently remind him the marriage is not going to work and you would like to work towards an amicable separation.How he reacts is up to him and you are not responsible.

I've got two solicitor that have been recommended to me so I've emailed them to ask for an appointment.
He has been 'asking for a chance to defend himself' which I think is not accepting anything, I need to remember that my feelings are valid, and he should acknowledge them.
Just now he's said he can't believe I'd do this, and break up the family.
I'm just so overwhelmed with anxiety but I definitely want out and for the right reasons I am sure of myself.

To defend himself against what? You are entitled to your feelings. He can 'defend' himself until he's blue in the face but if you don't love him, you don't love him. No amount of 'defense' can change that. And as far as him acknowledging your feelings, no, he really doesn't 'have to'. He thinks he is 'right', just as you think you are 'right'. Neither of you are going to give in, neither of you have to give in. It's an impasse. That's why you want a divorce in the first place, isn't it? Because you've been living at an impasse. You want to be free to live your life as you see fit. Of course that's the right reason!

It's why, when someone is sure that it's over, that it's best not to give 'reasons'. 'Reasons' just leave you open to 'arguments'. It's just a matter of saying "I'm not happy. This doesn't work for me anymore and I want a divorce". No 'you did this' or 'I need that'. Just 'It's over'.

It will pass, you are in the middle of the storm, but if you are sure that this cannot be saved, you are doing nothing wrong and everybody will be happier in a few months x

It's more emotional blackmail designed to guilt you into staying. Just stuck with "I don't love you anymore"

Ideally you finish the house then sell. I would seriously pursue as big a share you can I'm sure his self employed earnings will magically reduce once he has to pay maintenance. Financially you really need to get your ducks in a row and fast.

Thanks for all the advice. I'm seeing two solicitors this week for initial advice.
i have bank statements and my contract for my job, business accounts and mortgage statement.

The thing that jumps out here is that its all about HIM - "Im happy, I havent done anything wrong, I cant believe youd do this to me, let me defend myself".

Youve just told him "Im so unhappy that I want to end this marriage" which is the biggest thing you could say about not feeling heard and supported by him, and he STILL cant talk about how you feel or what you want.

Any pension info?

storm that's exactly how it is. I've a feeling he's going to get it once I'm gone and the penny will drop once it's too late. We are meant to be a team, a family of 3 not me and dd and him being him

The solicitor called for an initial chat to get some facts and I asked about if I leave would it compromise my position in the house. He said no because the reason is that he's displayed unreasonable behaviour and we are having significant renovation done.

He has continued to go between rage and tears, absolutely furious and crying eyes out.

He doesn't get that his actions have caused me and our daughter real pain. At all.

He has continued to go between rage and tears, absolutely furious and crying eyes out.

Try as best you can to stay above his behaviour. Don't react overtly and don't play into his hysterics. Treat it as you would a tantrumming child. With serene indifference and silence. Just continue your day to day existence and shield your DD as best you can. Try to avoid discussion and don't feel you need to justify or defend yourself.

If you can afford it, I'd see both solicitors for an initial consultation.

Rage and tears. How do you even know? I tend to have my rage and tears where no-one can see me. I guess what he really wants to say is "Look at me me me!"