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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I need to tell him I want to divorce

70 replies

Inarightpickleandchutney · 01/09/2017 18:21

It's not an awful marriage we've just lost the spark, I'm now at a stage where he's irritating me and I don't want to end up in a place where we hate each other.
I think he feels that we've hit a rough spot but i feel we've hit the end.

One DD, age 10.

I just can't put my finger on exactly why but we are not in love, don't behave like we are in love and live like roommates.

What do I say??

We need to talk? I want a divorce? How do you start that conversation?

OP posts:
RandomMess · 02/09/2017 10:16

I honestly wouldn't move out.

I would seek legal advice, discuss your grounds for divorce, discuss likely fair financial settlement. Then I would tell him that it's over and you are petitioning for divorce and that as part of the financial settlement you would like x y z happen as advised by your solicitor.

Original poster
Inarightpickleandchutney · 02/09/2017 10:24

Ok, thanks random I'll get through the weekend and get DD back to school.
I've an appointment next week for some advice and so I'll go from there.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 02/09/2017 10:30

It's usually I really bad idea to move out, if he becomes too nasty then you can apply for an occupation order until the property sold etc.

I would gets copies of all financial information- savings in his name, joint savings, earnings everything. These are all marital assets/liabilities.

Original poster
Inarightpickleandchutney · 02/09/2017 11:09

Ok, I can do that, since I do all the filing of stuff! I haven't got his individual bank account as he has one in his own name but I can get the rest.
Thanks, this is really helpful

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 02/09/2017 11:18

I'm not sure if this has been asked or answered... But do you love him?

I also think it's wrong for a counsellor to blame the spouse who isn't there, as they are only getting one side of the story. Your anxiety may well be having a significant impact on your marriage and that doesn't mean it's all his fault.

RandomMess · 02/09/2017 11:20

Get pension info if you can too.

My understanding is that the counsellor asked what is causing her anxiety? If he doesn't care enough to try and deal with the issue together what does that say?

She's asked to work together, he refuses...

Original poster
Inarightpickleandchutney · 02/09/2017 11:43

The love has been chipped away to nothing. I've told him how I feel and how his behaviour creates anxiety in me, I was hoping for a caring response maybe a 'ok let's look at this together I want to help you' instead I got an 'I'm fine this is just you, have you had your tablets today?'
Things like this have changed how I feel about him.

OP posts:
GoldenOrb · 02/09/2017 18:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jedimum1 · 02/09/2017 19:40

Conversation first, I think. Otherwise it's like saying that you've already made the decision and there's no chance of any discussion.

Original poster
Inarightpickleandchutney · 02/09/2017 23:42

I had the conversation today. He was horrified and despite the many chats we've had discussing things I'm not happy about and things he's not happy about he had no idea this was coming and that I might want to separate.
Wants to do some kind of counselling now but it's all about me fixing my anxiety. He says he needs to change and is happy to do so if it will save the marriage.
I'm so confused about what to do from here, any words of wisdom??

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 03/09/2017 00:01

Go for the counselling if you have any desire to save the marriage. Don't go purely as a tick box exercise.

You said his attitude has changed how you feel about him, but perhaps with the help of a counsellor you can fully express to him how you feel and he can gain a better understanding of the situation.

Hidingtonothing · 03/09/2017 00:14

First thing you need to do is work out whether any part of you still wants to be with him. I get the feeling you really don't but that you feel guilty and that's making some of what you're saying sound uncertain. Thing is if you sound unsure when discussing it with him too it's potentially giving him hope where there is none and that will only make this harder for both of you.

You can still do Relate if you do definitely want out, they can help with separation as well as relationship counselling but it's only fair he knows where he stands from the outset, don't let him go into it thinking you're there to try and work things out if you're only there to work out how to separate.

I'll be honest, the fact that he can't seem to see past your anxiety being the cause of all the issues makes me think you might be fighting a losing battle trying to salvage things. If he goes into counselling believing he is not at fault at all it's going to be an extremely long haul before you make any progress in terms of your relationship. You could spend weeks or months just getting him to the stage where he acknowledges the problems before you even begin to try to resolve them.

I just think the important thing right now is for you to make an entirely clear headed decision about what you want. Can either of you stay with family or friends for a few days so you can both have some time to think?

Original poster
Inarightpickleandchutney · 03/09/2017 01:09

Thanks for the words f wisdom!
We've had another talk as he came downstairs to tell me that he thinks I'm being fed a load of rubbish from my counselling and he has done nothing wrong.
I've been very fair with admitting my mistakes and pointing out things I've done that were not helpful however he seems to think that he has done his best. I've given my examples of why I've felt chipped away and he said I've taken all those things the wrong way.
He's genuinely furious and shocked and cannot believe I'd even do this.
I don't love him anymore he's just lost me with childish 'but it wasn't me, it was you'.
So I really need some separation advice. I'm so hurt and can't believe it is actually happening.
Anyone free to give any advice?

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 03/09/2017 01:16

I guess that makes it a lot easier. It is over. He won't change. You are right to end it.

Get to the solicitor as soon as you can. Get the paperwork sorted as soon as you can. He may well start protecting himself rapidly, like moving money.

It's over. Onwards to legals and mediation.

Don't be rushed into agreeing to anything, just say you'll think about it if he makes any housing or financial suggestions.

Hidingtonothing · 03/09/2017 01:20

I think maybe a solicitor is your best next step pickle, get some advice to protect yourself financially and help you work out what to do about who moves out etc. You're going to need to be pretty single minded for a while because he doesn't sound like he's going to accept this easily. That's why I asked about a definite decision earlier because it's much easier to withstand whatever he throws at you in the coming weeks/months if you are, at least, sure of what you want. It's not going to be a comfortable time for a little while so make sure you're kind to yourself, do you have family or friends for support in RL?

Babymamamama · 03/09/2017 01:22

Please try and work on your marriage. Seek support for your anxiety plus do some couples counselling. It could turn things around. The grass is not always greener on the other side.

Original poster
Inarightpickleandchutney · 03/09/2017 01:35

Thanks so much, i will look into legal advice next week.
He's just asking me over and over again why and I explain my reasons giving my back up and he is just saying I'm wrong because of XYZ,
I've asked specifically can he see at least what I think is fair because of these reasons and he just says he can but I'm wrong.... this is hideous.

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 03/09/2017 01:48

I've asked specifically can he see at least what I think is fair because of these reasons and he just says he can but I'm wrong

That's bog standard irreconcilable differences right there.

There's not much point going over the same thing again and again is there? Maybe you need to say as much when he starts up "We've been through this several times. It's pointless doing it again. My opinion hasn't changed, I understand your opinion. If you have reconsidered your position I'll listen to what you have to say. Otherwise there is nothing to talk about. I'm not doing this any more."

BlessYourCottonSocks · 03/09/2017 01:56

I don't think you are getting through to him, pickle - and I understand absolutely that you keep thinking that if you could just explain clearly then he would realise what has caused this, and acknowledge that you are being fair - but he won't. I spent years with an ex trying to get through to him.

My advice would be to simply say 'I am sorry. I understand you want to argue about this and you believe I am in the wrong, but the fact is I do not love you any longer and the marriage is over'.

That sounds callous, but you need to simply detach for your own sanity. And he needs to accept that repeatedly telling you that you are wrong, or it's your anxiety etc will not change the way you feel.

Hidingtonothing · 03/09/2017 02:08

pickle could you maybe suggest you both take some time to think about what's been said now and arrange a day to speak again? Just thinking it would give you a break from his questioning and give you chance to get some legal advice before you talk again. I suspect he's just going to keep trying to get you to see it 'his way' otherwise and that's going to be tough on you. Any attempts by him to badger you can be answered with 'we agreed to talk about this on xday' then so you get some breathing space.

Original poster
Inarightpickleandchutney · 03/09/2017 02:16

Ok he's gone to bed I've got to sleep or I won't get anywhere tomorrow thanks everyone so much I'm so grateful.
If I move out to rental with DD will this look bad on me come legal advice time?

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 03/09/2017 02:24

Stop talking. You've said your piece and will be seeking legal advice. If he wants to go over everything again simply say "I've said everything I have to say. There's nothing more to discuss".

Move forward with legal advice. Do NOT discuss what you are told by the solicitor. He can seek his own advice.

Hidingtonothing · 03/09/2017 02:37

I think you're best off not doing anything until ^after^ you've had advice, your solicitor will be better able to give you advice specific to your circumstances than us. I know it's going to be uncomfortable but I'd hate you to do anything which would leave you and DD worse off in the long run Flowers

RandomMess · 03/09/2017 08:51

As I said earlier do not move out, do not do or agree to anything until you have sought legal advice.

If you are housed then it weakens the need for the house to be sold, You will not usually be entitled to housing benefit when you have a house as a marital asset!

SandyY2K · 03/09/2017 09:12

His behaviour makes your doubt easier. Let him know you are not going for marriage counselling anymore, as he's made it clear he is blameless.

Press on with the practical side of separation.