Would this be acceptable to you?

[houseinthecorner]

Would anyone be ok with their husband going to the races event from 12pm Saturday and then stay out all day and only return really late at night lets say midnight because he goes out drinking all night after the races. He does this every other year but also goes out once a month with his friends and also has another night out planned at the end of the month. He also goes to the gym twice weekly and he's just started a new hobby because he takes my oldest girls to judo lessons and he tells me I should stay at home with baby and youngest girl because they mess about and he will take them for an hour then do his class straight after that's an hour and half so he's out several hours and he works full time also. I don't do nothing outside of the home. My biggest problem is the races tomorrow because I don't think it's fair he gets to go out all day and night whilst I'm at home with the children. We have YOUNG children so it's not as if they are older. He says I should find something to do but how can I when he takes up all the free time?? He's working Sunday so it's not as if I get Sunday to myself. I also don't have any friends or family who care about me enough to do anything with me. I also am not working ( someone has to look after the children and I don't trust people, I have a problem trusting others around my children ( won't get it to that right now tho) and Also the child care is an issue as we can't pay for that as well as everything else)

Am I being selfish to suggest he doesn't go out all day but meets them later in the night for drinks? I'm not saying to him don't go out at all but spending a whole day and night away leaving me with the kids knowing full well I wouldn't get the same freedom makes me angry. He could just meet them later in the day or night for drinks but he refuses, he wants it all and there is ok reasoning with him.
Any thoughts?

YANBU, but I doubt you'll get far in convincing him of that because he sounds like a bit of an arse.

You say your husband goes to the races every other year. He is not staying out a whole day and a night.
I really cant see your problem
You choose to stay at home with the children, because you dont trust people to look after your children. Your not even happy when your husband takes the girls to judo.
You need to find something to do outside of your home and stop feeling so hard done by

If you were getting equal time to do what you wanted I'd think you were being unreasonable however, you're not getting that & that isn't fair.
His attitude to you is appalling

So when do you go out?

Hmmmm.

I think you need to speak to him about making sure you both get equal leisure time. If you have young children it is natural to need a bit of quiet time.
If I were you I would agree a set time, one full Eve a week, at a minimum, that is your time. Even if you have no one to do any thing with, take that time and go out by yourself. Start your own hobby, or just take yourself out for a coffee, but make sure you go.
You need to shift the dynamic that you are ever present at the home to handle things so he can do as he wants.
I don't think it is a problem that he goes out as long as that is reciprocal and he doesn't dodge childcare.
Good luck

I think you're being unfair. This is something he attends every other year. And he only goes out once a month with his friends, that's really not a lot.

I don't think going to the gym twice a week is excessive. Why don't you go the other three days of the week? He has combined his hobby with your daughters, that sounds sensible. Everyone is entitled to have a hobby, why don't you get one? Your DH can look after the kids.

You say you don't trust people to look after your kids, that sounds like an issue you need to overcome if you want to have a life outside of being a mother. You say you don't do anything outside of the home. You need to change that.

Do you think you are a little envious that your DH has cultivated a social life? You need to sit down with him and work out when he can have the kids so you can create a life for yourself too.

@Sarikiz he goes to the races every other year but ON TOP of that he goes for drinks with his friends every month, he goes to he gym twice a week and he has no taken up a new hobby. I'm not allowed to watch my children do judo because he forces me to stay at home because the baby messes about he says it's too much. So he gets all the fun whilst I'm the maid. I can't find anything to do outside the home because there is no spare time left with him working full time, his gym sessions and now judo. I don't see why he has to go out all day and night, I don't see why going out for a few drinks at night isn't enough it's more then I get

OP I don't think he is unreasonable if you are getting the same opportunity for time to yourself. Book a Saturday spa or trip and let him take care of the kids for the day. Create some time outside of the home for you with a sport or hobby.

He's cultivated a social life because he's not had the responsibility of the children all these years.. he's made me believe it's my job and it's lot my fault I can't do anything it doesn't mean he shouldn't. I've just asked him to sort the kids dinner and mash the babies dinner and he's just moaned that he's has to do both he babies and the girls.. what does he think I do when he's not here?? He's said if I was a wife from another culture I would have to do everything. He said it's a joke but I'm sick of it. Sometimes I feel suicidal over how pathetic my life is.

I almost stopped reading at the "every other year" detail, anything at all is ok at that sort of frequency, but from the other stuff it does sound as if he's potentially overall getting more 'me time' than you, so probably worth a conversation.

You sound v ground down

Clearly this is about more than just him going to the races

You are still allowed a social life with kids. You are allowed to do things separately.

What is not ok is the inequality in your relationship

Seems like you want to be joined at the hip 24/7 because of your own issues. That is not a healthy basis for a relationship unless that is absolutely what both partners want, and he clearly doesn't. You should of course have quality time together and also take fair shares of looking after the kids and the household. However, you should also each have some reasonable time to do your own things. You need to address your issues around not having any friends and not trusting anyone else with the kids.

I believe a relationship takes a terrible turn when one tries to control the other.

Then why not try to plan a social life for yourself? Sadly nobody will do it for you.
Tell him at least a week in advance so he can be there for the children for the evening.
If he won't, then find a baby sitter.

@dudsville i Dont control him at all!!! He's the one that controls me. He's also cheated on me so any 'issues' I have are caused by him. Like I said, how can someone make a life for themselves if he other takes it all for themselves!

The day at the races isn't the issue. Assuming because you do childcare while he works, you will also do it the rest of the time so he is free to socialise, go the gym etc, isn't. Outside work hours there needs to be a balance - he gets a child free evening to do his hobby, you get one in return. Same with socialising, gym etc. And can't you swap who goes to Judo and who looks after the little ones? That seems far more fair?

Oh I see, my apologies, then I agrrr with pps who say the day at the races isn't the big issue.

'I go for a weekend away for the girls once every two years. I also go out for a drink once a month to see my friends, nd to the gym a couple of times a week. My husband wants me to stop doing all of this.'

This would elicit a chorus of 'LTB's. Mumsnet double standards at its finest.

Stop flogging this dead horse.

You say he has taken all the time, but you weren't using the evenings. If you plan something for yourself on a free night, or one of his gym nights, and tell him in advance, then he'll get used to it.
Get some hobbies too. Take classes, make friends. Be interested in things and people outside your home. Nobody can give you that. You have to take it.

Hello OP. It's not right that you're being left to do all the childcare. All very well someone suggesting a babysitter, but they're expensive and the poster must have missed the part where you don't like leaving them with others.

I can tell from your post that you appear to be depressed and lacking in self esteem or motivation. I don't suppose your husband even has to give a thought about planning to go out, he just walks out the door because the magic mum is there. You, on the other hand, wouldn't dream of just going out without strict planning.

your relationship is very unequal and the day and night out is just the tip of the iceberg. If you say anything, your h will say yabu as it's only every other year. But it's the expectation that you, as the mum, are solely responsible for child care. Or he's doing you a favour if he looks after his own child! FFS that's such an outdated attitude.

@thedancingbear if I did all of those things and my husband did nothing at all I would consider myself a selfish person

I'd be unhappy in your situation. You really sound ground down by it all and as if no-one cares about you. I think you probably should see your GP and have a serious word with your husband. But I doubt he'll listen, but he might surprise you. Don't let this fester or continue without at least trying to address the issues.

The problem here is.. he plans these things behind my back without him even asking me about it and I only find out when a friend of his texts him and I'm sat next to him and see it or if a friend it's it in his Facebook. He just expects me to be there