Would this be acceptable to you?

[houseinthecorner]

Would anyone be ok with their husband going to the races event from 12pm Saturday and then stay out all day and only return really late at night lets say midnight because he goes out drinking all night after the races. He does this every other year but also goes out once a month with his friends and also has another night out planned at the end of the month. He also goes to the gym twice weekly and he's just started a new hobby because he takes my oldest girls to judo lessons and he tells me I should stay at home with baby and youngest girl because they mess about and he will take them for an hour then do his class straight after that's an hour and half so he's out several hours and he works full time also. I don't do nothing outside of the home. My biggest problem is the races tomorrow because I don't think it's fair he gets to go out all day and night whilst I'm at home with the children. We have YOUNG children so it's not as if they are older. He says I should find something to do but how can I when he takes up all the free time?? He's working Sunday so it's not as if I get Sunday to myself. I also don't have any friends or family who care about me enough to do anything with me. I also am not working ( someone has to look after the children and I don't trust people, I have a problem trusting others around my children ( won't get it to that right now tho) and Also the child care is an issue as we can't pay for that as well as everything else)

Am I being selfish to suggest he doesn't go out all day but meets them later in the night for drinks? I'm not saying to him don't go out at all but spending a whole day and night away leaving me with the kids knowing full well I wouldn't get the same freedom makes me angry. He could just meet them later in the day or night for drinks but he refuses, he wants it all and there is ok reasoning with him.
Any thoughts?

The races aren't the issue as that in itself is fine, neither is the once a month with friends. That's normal (though should be equal)

What is unacceptable is you not allowed to go to judo, the many midweeks and the fact he won't do it for you is unacceptable

I think it sounds like he has a normal social life and is not unreasonable with the amount of time he is out of he home. It does however sounds like you don't get any time to yourself. Do you have friends that you can meet up with? Or a hobby you are interested in? Could you tell him how you feel and ask for a bit more help around the house? It sounds a bit like you are stuck in a rut. I think you need to start putting yourself
First and explain to him that you also need some time to be you and to get out of the house and enjoy yourself.

I really think op think you need to motivate and plan something for an evening a week when he isn't doing something , even if it's gymn or night class or book club etc and half a day at the weekend to yourself otherwise Accept the issue is bigger than his social life which you allude to. Also you need to get over the childcare thing , that's not helping .

if you were a wife from another culture?? sounds like you're already doing more than any woman I know from any culture and I come from a background of many races... He is walking all over you

Find a gym with a crèche and go to the classes with him. He doesn't sound all that unreasonable to me . It isn't like he is in the pub every night . Having small children is thankless and you need to say to him you want some free time or get him to pay for a babysitter etc . ( or pay for it yourself if you have an income )

You need to take the time out you need WHETHER you have anything "to do" or not.

Honestly, resentment over time out can be toxic, it's usually remedied if you ensure you get what you need.

So

Walking
Library
Coffee
Meeting a mate
Exercise class
Book club

Pick something and then say you are going out. Then, leave the house.

Be deaf to moans.

Ignore badly dressed:grubby children and sausage dinners.

I don't think the issue here is the races really. You need to get out more. Start by taking all of next Saturday. Go to the shops or something. Anything woman! Out with you

What wilting said.

Go out woman for gods sake.

I'd be p

I don't really think his social life and time spent doing hobbies is excessive.

If your DH was doing all this and not "allowing" you to do the same then I think you would have cause to complain. But you have another 51 weekends in the year to organise a day and night away for yourself if you want. And there are other weeknights where you could join a class with one child & he could look after the others. Or to do a hobby yourself!

Think about getting some time to yourself and don't deny him his. I know it's hard looking after small children, but honestly you sound a little bit suffocating.

Why don't you book something to do one evening a week? Go to the gym. Take yourself out to the cinema. Barricade yourself in your bedroom with a DO NOT DISTURB sign and read a book/learn a language etc. Leave the kids to him one night a week.

Why don't you book to do something once a month and leave him with the kids?

Your husband is not being unreasonable if you don't take the time for yourself. He would be unreasonable if he won't do his share looking after the kids for you to have the same.

You need to do more for yourself and insist he supports that.

I work on the rule of thirds.

1/3 his time
1/3 your time
1/3 joint/family time

Use your time whether you have plans or not. The point is that you are carving out space for yourself.

What would be just as worrying as your dh having more than than you is if you really can't think of anything you want to do for yourself to fill your time. What an empty life that would be as we need to be more than just a wife and mother for our own wellbeing and happiness.

I think we will probably just spilt up. I've had enough.
He's saying I should be doing everything like cooking cleaning and looking after the kids and it's not his fault I have a reliable family to help look after the kids. He doesn't understand and won't listen and never will. He's going out tomorrow whilst I'm stuck at home stressed with the kids and then Sunday he'll have a hangover and be in a mood with everyone. Might as well not be here, what's the point?

He sounds like a twat. Break up with him and get yourself some lovely hobbies and social life for when he has the kids. Or if he doesn't want them sting him for the maintenance and pay a babysitter. He honestly sounds like a selfish wanker.

Yeah he sounds like a twat does he do anything

When did he cheat on you OP? How did you find out?

What happened was.. he went out on a night out and came back early ours in the morning one night legless. I decided to look through his phone as something in my gut just made me do it so I looked and saw he had this girls number in his phone who I didn't know and it wasn't any of his work colleagues or friends. Looks like the conversation had been deleted but he had text her saying 'hi' about an hour before he arrived home so I started thinking he had got this number whilst out so I took down the number and decided to text her ( yes some would see this as bad but he had a track record of texting woman online so wanted to see if that's all it was and nothing else) the next day I text her and she replied saying she met my husband on a dating site and that they met up once and had sex. She said she knew he had kids but he told her that we had split up. I confronted him and he says she's lying and shes saying all this because he stopped contact with her and she didn't like it so she's trying to do this out of revenge. I forgave him because he made me believe she was lying and I didn't want to just end my marriage when I didn't know what to think. This all happened about 2 years ago. So now I can't trust him when he goes out and I'm constantly worried.

It's not unreasonable of him to expect you to do the cooking and cleaning if you're a SAHM and he's the one going out to work.

You say the eldest two are yours? So therefore he is taking time out to take them to their hobby while you stay home with the younger ones whom you. Don't trust anyone else to look after. As they're not his children he has no obligation to do that.

Added to which, this all day races meeting happens just once every two years and you think he spends too much time away from the home?

Whether he cheated in the past (nice drip-feed there when people didn't tell you what you wanted to hear,) is totally irrelevant, you chose to move on from that.

You not trusting anyone else to look after your children is your issue to deal with. If there isn't time to go out in the evenings then find time during the day when the younger ones can be placed in childcare/in a crèche (if going to the gym for instance)

If you're at home all day then there's no such thing as not having any time to do your own thing. You can you just are choosing not to because doing so would mean having to deal with your own issues.

What about your eldest two's father? Do they see him at all? And if not why not? Otherwise you should take the time when the eldest are with their dad to let the youngest spend time with your DH.

If a woman posted here that her dh was going to split up with her because she was going out to an event she goes to once every two years people would be telling her she was well rid.

Yes your H appears to have some faults but quite honestly there are issues on both sides here.

@TheRealBiscuitAddict all of my children are his children!!!!

I can relate to an extend OP.
An H who books things for him to do wo talking about it with me (eg check that I am OK with it, I am there etc... Nope it's assumed it will be there, like agood appliance, to pick up the slack whilst he goes out to have fun)
An H who organises his hobbies and his dcs hobbies around his interests.

I'm not surprised that you are pissed off. You are just taken for granted.
You have no break at all because all the time you could get a break is taken over by HIS hobbies. So all you do is cooking, cleaning, looking after the dcs whilst he can swam around and carry in with his life as if he had no care in the world.

The races are really just the last straw that broke the camel back.

Not sure what to advise. But you seem to start thinking about a divorce. How would you feel about that?relieved or frightened?

@TheRealBiscuitAddict don't know where you got the impression he's not the father to ALL my children but he is. It's not just the races every two years.. he goes out every month and it will be twice this month and he's at the gym twice weekly as well as the new hobby. So it's not just the races every two years. And I isn't choose to move on from the cheating, I had no choice because he wouldn't tell me the truth.

He sounds thoroughly revolting.

I don't believe his story about that woman.

You'd be so much happier on your own lovely

thereal you are very harsh, unneceseraly harsh and have missed th wreak issue athogether.

For one all the dcs are his.
And then being a SAHM doesn't mean that you should do ALL the HW and childcare. Weekends should still be shared at least. It doesn't mean that all weekends are HIS to do as he pleases and for the SAHM to accommodate that (as in being available for whatever he wants to do).

And it doesn't mean a SAHM should have no time for herself at all either. As a SAHM I was looking after my dcs all day. The whole idea was for me NOT to put them in nursery to have time for myself (the very reason I was a SAHM was because of the cost of nursery/childcare!) Like most SAHM really. So the argument that the OP is creating her own misery by not wanting her dcs to be cared by others is moot. (Plus, of course, she might well not have any family to look after them anyway etc etc)

You are both allowed a social life.
Be pro active in doing things rather than resenting your other half.

The real no, sahm should not do everything. Otherwise you are saying one works everyday and the worker works there hours. A commensurate split sure but not everything and all the god no out rightf

The assumption came from the OP saying that "he takes my girls to the Judo," The implication being that the two eldest are the OP's. But fair enough if they're not.

But is this not being able to spend time on herself a new thing? Because if so then obviously it needs addressing, however if this has always been the case then why would the OP choose to have four children with this man meaning she was likely to be stuck at home with them for years given she doesn't trust anyone else to look after them?