I started seeing (if you can even call it that) this guy about 4 weeks ago. There were sparks and all that stuff. Now I am strongly suspecting that the sparks and the really strong feelings are because I subconsciously recognise him as an azzhole or at the very least emotionally unavailable, and I am very used to dealing with those.
The first time we met he was charming. Attentive, intelligent, polite and really interested in everything I had to say. The second time we met I noticed that he'd forgotten loads of the details of things he'd already asked me about. Like he asked, "where did you grow up?" when we'd already discussed where I grew up at length the first time we'd met. On this second date we spent many hours together. But I started to see a really different side to him. He'd presented himself before as a hardworking business owner. Now, he suddenly casually mentioned that he used to be a crack dealer for many years and also a cocaine dealer. That he used to even smoke crack himself. And at the moment he smokes marijuana every day. Oh, and he's technically homeless (he is illegally living inside his business premises for the time being.) It was such a strange experience, it was like I was dealing with an entirely different person. I swear, he even kind of looked a bit different.
He also talked about how the two serious longterm relationships he'd had in his life had ended really horribly. It seems the most recent one ended 3 years or so ago, but he still sounded really upset by it all. He said his work is the most important thing in his life now and that what he enjoys is "having different women friends, go over to their house, spend the night, have breakfast , no drama."
As I sat there listening to all of this I felt this sinking sense of extreme disappointment. But it was like I immediately silently glossed over what he'd really said and imagined it wasn't a problem. I even stayed the night (but we didn't have sex). Since then he seems to think we have an arrangement of some kind to maybe have casual sex in the near future and occasionally bother to text each other.
You might be reading this and thinking "What on earth is wrong with this woman?!" Well, this experience has been a wake up call in the sense that it's made me realise I have quite a lot of healing to do on myself. I'm from a background of extreme abuse (from babyhood onwards) and my idea of "normal" treatment is what most people would probably label "abuse." I've been in therapy in the past, for a number of years, and I had really hoped I was well on my way to being healed. But the fact that I got into anything with this man has me worried. What I am looking for is healthy relationships, period. That includes healthy family relationships, healthy platonic friendships, and ultimately a healthy romantic relationship. I want to give and receive love and respect. Clearly this man could not possibly be more unsuitable. What on earth was I thinking?
Before I came to my senses I tentatively set up a date with him for this weekend. He clearly thinks he is coming to my flat for sex (have not had sex with him but have "made out" in the past). It's clearly best I don't see him again. I'm not sure what to say to make this clear to him though. Help?