Asexual and dating!

[Sharkteeth]

Hi all! I'm felling full of anxiety and nerves posting this. I'm pretty sure I'm asexual, I'm 25 and a virgin. The idea of sex turns me off completely and I've never kissed anybody sober. I'm on antidepressants for anxiety and they've helped me so much but have done nothing for my sex aversions!

Anyway, I've met a boy on tinder and he's lovely. We've been chatting on WhatsApp and it's been fab! But he wants to meet. I've ran out of excuses and I don't know where to go from here. I was on holiday for two weeks and he's on holiday now and he's dropping hints about meeting next week. I want to but I feel sick every time I think about it. And I worry about pursuing a relationship without sex. Please help!

If you want a relationship that doesn't include sex I think you need to be open about it from the outset.

Is your anxiety /your anxiety around sex rooted in anything in particular e.g. Past experiences? If so that needs addressing.
I'd be discussing this with my GP in case your hormone levels need checking.
Why not meet him for a coffee / lunch. Keep it light & see if he is someone you could get along with. If he's eager to take it further straight away he is probably not the boy for you but if you have 2-3 dates & get on well you could try explaining your anxieties to him.
You are a human and deserve to be in a happy relationship (of which sex is only one facet). Good luck 💐

Cheers for the snarky replies. It took days for me to work up the courage to post this and now all I want to do is crawl under a rock.

Thank you for the helpful reply @fc301. I've never had sex or a relationship with anyone so there's no negative past experiences.

He's 25 like me and I just can't imagine a young guy not wanting sex. I feel sick every time I think about having to tell him about it. He's lovely and he's been so kind about waiting to meet. Maybe I should just ghost and be done with??

Ok, can you explain why you're on Tinder if you don't like the idea of sex?
Isn't a relationship without sex a friendship?
What are you hoping to find?
I'm not at all having a go, I'm curious as to what you were after when you started chatting to this man; or anyone on dating sites really.

Walkan Talk Was about to post exactly the same.

If you don't want a relationship let alone sex Tinder seems a very strange option

You've got to be honest. And you haven't been. Hence you are feeling sick with anxiety, you want companionship and friendship but you're putting yourself out there for sex.

Be honest. There are people out there like you. They'll find you. You are just wonderful the way you are. Be positive!

I've met some really nice people online dating. They became friends of mine. So go and meet him. Be honest about yourself and then take it from there.

I don't know why you wouldn't mention asexual in your profile.

Isn't tinder basically for people who want to hook up? I don't think there's anything wrong with an asexual relationship if that's what you both want (I know of one couple who have just that and are very happily married), but I don't think you're going to find it on tinder...

Is tinder not essentially facilitating casual sex

My past two longer term relationships were with people I met on Tinder, and I've been on dates with a few others. It might be different in other age groups (I'm in my thirties), but I'd say those looking for casual sex are in the minority.

Sharkteeth, you need to be honest with your potential date. It's unfair not to do so.

I don't think there's any great shame or worry about not being interested in sex. Just say I want to be honest with you I'm looking for friendship only and not a relationship. But if it's a 'dating site' can't see the point of meeting him under those circumstances. You'd be better off joining an interest group and meeting new friends there.

In order not to feel anxious you need to narrow your dating pool to other men that are asexual too. That way there is no anxiety or apprehension around the sex stuff. Are there dating websites for asexual people? Can you use a better dating site than tinder that allows you to make your preferences more known.

I imagine the last thing you would want is to get a guy to fall in love with you and then make it known sex isn't an option. Best to be open from day one and find someone who understands you and wants the same things as you.

You need to be honest from the start and if I'm honest I can't see many people wanting to take it further unless you find someone similar to yourself. A relationship where you feel no attraction and is sexless is basically a friendship, so I think you should bear in mind that it's probably not what others are looking for.

www.asexualcupid.com/uk/

There are sites for asexual dating, maybe you'd be best suited to using one of those instead? It's fine to want dating/companionship without sex but you have to be upfront right from the start I think, otherwise it's not really fair.

I don't agree with the posters who are saying that a relationship without sex is a friendship. Many couples don't have sex but have a romantic connection that can't be classed as friendship!

Op, you should be open about your asexuality when trying to meet guys online. It saves you from the anxiety you are feeling and will help you to meet asexual men.

A relationship without sex is not just a friendship and those saying it is clearly have no understanding of being aro/ace. If you're on twitter there's a great aro/ace community that may be able to give you tips.

I'm not in your position so feel free to ignore this but I'd meet the guy and see if you have a connection. If you don't then there's no need to explain anything to him because you won't be seeing him again. If you do like him then you will need to have that conversation sooner rather than later. Good luck!

tropics no one is on Tinder in the hope that they will find someone with whom they have an emotional connection but no sex.

It is primarily a casual sex hook up site.

OP, I would find a dating site better suited to your requirements/tastes.

I don't think Tinder will help with your anxiety around this and might end up knocking your confidence further.

Tinder is used for hookups by many people but there are plenty who use it like any other dating app.
OP, you'll need to tell him and I suggest you put it on your profile - it'll save time weeding out the ones who are only after sex.
You haven't actually met him yet so it'll be easier online than after you've met in person. It doesn't have to be a big deal.

Try for a casual 'Before we meet, I should probably tell you that I'm asexual. If that's a deal breaker for you, I'd understand :)'
That way it gives him an easy out if it is.
Good luck.

I think there may be sites for people who are Asexual. But being honest right from the start is the best way to go imo. So no one wastes their time and you don't need to feel so anxious.
Maybe send him a message now (sorry didn't mention this earlier but...) and see what he says.