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Original poster

Asexual and dating!

62 replies

Sharkteeth · 30/08/2017 17:50

Hi all! I'm felling full of anxiety and nerves posting this. I'm pretty sure I'm asexual, I'm 25 and a virgin. The idea of sex turns me off completely and I've never kissed anybody sober. I'm on antidepressants for anxiety and they've helped me so much but have done nothing for my sex aversions!

Anyway, I've met a boy on tinder and he's lovely. We've been chatting on WhatsApp and it's been fab! But he wants to meet. I've ran out of excuses and I don't know where to go from here. I was on holiday for two weeks and he's on holiday now and he's dropping hints about meeting next week. I want to but I feel sick every time I think about it. And I worry about pursuing a relationship without sex. Please help!

OP posts:
demirose87 · 30/08/2017 20:00

I think there can be relationships without sex but I think there at least has to be some kind of attraction and romantic feelings for it not to be just a friendship.

TheNewSchmoo · 30/08/2017 20:00

If you decide not to pursue, your choice, but if he's that nice, why would you not be nice back and tell him? Why specifically ghost?

Shoxfordian · 30/08/2017 20:12

I think you should tell him and see if he still wants to meet you.

There are specialist dating sites for asexuals so maybe try one of those instead of tinder

Shoxfordian · 30/08/2017 20:13

www.asexualitic.com/

First one I found. Good luck Smile

Original poster
Sharkteeth · 30/08/2017 20:18

The truth is I have never spoken about this to anyone. I feel a bit like a freak because of it and I don't want to have to tell others about it honestly. I am constantly questioned about having a boyfriend by everyone. Friends of mine are in/ have been in lovely relationships that started on tinder and I thought I'd give it go. I also thought meeting someone might change my feelings about sex but it hasn't. I've felt attraction to people and would love to have someone to snuggle up with and hold hands while walking down the street but I just don't want sex.

OP posts:
AdalindSchade · 30/08/2017 20:20

Tinder. Is. Not. Just. A. Hook. Up. Site.

I will keep repeating that on every thread where smug marrieds people post that.

However you can't embark on internet dating without being upfront about your sexuality/lack of it. It's not fair.

SteelyTesticlesOfObjectivity · 30/08/2017 20:21

I'm not in your position so feel free to ignore this but I'd meet the guy and see if you have a connection. If you don't then there's no need to explain anything to him because you won't be seeing him again. If you do like him then you will need to have that conversation sooner rather than later. Good luck!

Why meet him and waste his time first? Theres almost no chance he's looking for an asexual relationship and hiding it is just cruel. There was a poster a while back in relationships who was seeing a guy who clearly had zero interest in having sex but wouldn't say why. She ended up questioning herself.

Inthetropics · 30/08/2017 20:22

IfYouHappenToSee - Many of my friends use Tinder to date, actually. I do think, however, that it would be easier if the OP were to disclose this information right from the start.

Angelf1sh · 30/08/2017 20:24

Why make her tell a stranger something she's not entirely sure about and not totally comfortable with herself if she doesn't need to? If she feels no connection then he never has to know and she avoids possible fallout - that's why.

*imbassuming op is a she here.

anyadvicehelps · 30/08/2017 20:26

OP- pretty sure I am asexual also. I've also been very open about my disinterest in sex and I'm pleasantly surprised that most people I have dated are way more comfortable and relaxed with it than I would have thought. I think some of the responses here are a bit too much, it really is not such a big deal, you really don't need a special asexual site to be able to date Hmm although of course apps such as Tinder may not be the best way to go (I've always met my dates 'in real life').

I would recommend being open, but don't worry about meeting up in principle- lots of people don't have sex on a first date Wink.

Good luck!

Inthetropics · 30/08/2017 20:27

Shark, one of my best friends is asxual and met her husband online on a dating site. She disclosed her asexuality after a few days of chatting through and app and they worked out a way to be together. He is not asexual, so i guess it's kind of a challenge. I'm not sure how they solved this issue.

ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 30/08/2017 20:27

I know this is probably are really obvious question, but is it at all possible that you are just not attracted to sex with men?

JWrecks · 30/08/2017 20:28

I think it would be proper to explain your sexual orientation in your profile. Don't straight/gay/bi/etc people usually include that information? I feel it's relevant on a dating site, personally...

But as for your date, go. Meet up with him. Tell him in person. If he's as lovely as you say he is, don't you think he deserves to know? If he likes you as much as you like him, maybe he'd be up for giving it a go?

Inthetropics · 30/08/2017 20:29

So many mistakes! Blush sorry!

PringlesPirate · 30/08/2017 20:38

There is nothing wrong with using Tinder.
There is nothing wrong with not wanting sex.

Ghosting, I feel, is a bit unkind and last resort.

Do you want to meet with him OP?

You don't need to tell him about your asexuality right now. If you still want to meet, do so as friends and if you decide you want to go further then you NEED to put the ball in his court and prepare yourself that he wants more.
But walk before you run

beansbananas · 30/08/2017 20:44

Why don't you tell him that sex has never been something you've been comfortable with, but that you are working on your issues with antidepressants and therapy. And explain that you hope that in the future, with the right person, this may change, but obviously there are no guarantees and you cannot be with someone who will apply pressure in this area. That way you can pursue a relationship with him, but slowly, and the on terms you are at ease with. If he is a good guy and has also felt a connection, he may want to try. Just because you feel asexual now, doesnt mean you always will. I suspect that if you were in a trusting and loving relationship with someone who you found physically attractive and who is your best friend, that your feelings towards sex won't change with time.

beansbananas · 30/08/2017 20:46

Sorry could change in time, not not won't!

MNHQ
IonaMumsnet · 30/08/2017 22:08

Evening folks. Just a reminder that we ask people to report to us rather than troll hunt. For the record, we've no reason to doubt this OP.

LondonNicki · 30/08/2017 23:12

Don't be too hasty in labelling yourself asexual. The medication will be suppressing your sex drive and it's the old thing, the less you have the less you want so maybe you just need to experience it to get comfortable with it and develop an appetite for it.

I agree maybe Tinder isn't the app for you but there are many other less 'hook-up' ones out there like Bumble or Match.

Meet him and don't go full disclosure immediately. Focus on getting to know hi as a person and after a few dates things may develop differently to how you expect. Good luck !

IfYouHappenToSee · 30/08/2017 23:23

Why make her tell a stranger something she's not entirely sure about and not totally comfortable with herself if she doesn't need to?

Because, for the majority of people, sex is a very important part of their relationship. It's not really fair to allow someone else to become emotionally attached/develop feelings without telling them that this is completely off the table when it is regarded, by most people, as a very normal part of a relationship.

WiganPierre · 30/08/2017 23:25

I don't agree with the posters who are saying that a relationship without sex is a friendship. Many couples don't have sex but have a romantic connection that can't be classed as friendship!

Yes, I agree. It's completely different. How insulting that couples with health problems or in old age or a myriad of other reasons are just friends. Hmm

OP, I say meet him and see how you feel about him. You're so young, you have plenty of time to meet people, you don't have to be in a rush. He might surprise you with his response.

BertieBotts · 30/08/2017 23:29

OP mumsnet is not a site which is particularly knowledgeable about asexuality. You'd do much better asking this question on asexuality.org or somewhere like a subreddit for asexuality.

IfYouHappenToSee · 30/08/2017 23:53

I don't agree with the posters who are saying that a relationship without sex is a friendship. Many couples don't have sex but have a romantic connection that can't be classed as friendship!

I also agree with this.

But I do think that an asexual relationship is not something to be easily found on Tinder.

I also think that the expectation of most men doing online dating nowadays that sex will occur on, or around, date 3 might end up putting pressure on the OP that s/he is not prepared for.

There is nothing wrong with wanting an asexual relationship. Nothing at all. I'm just not sure that Tinder is the place to find one, or to hope to just chance upon one.

RidingWindhorses · 30/08/2017 23:54

If you've experienced attraction to people I don't think you can label yourself as asexual. I don't think it's clearcut. There are many women who don't experience high levels of desire.

You may just have major fear and anxiety issues around sex.

You may meet someone and find you do feel differently when you fall in love with them. But i do think you need therapy to address your worries before you're likely to to get to that stage.

LanaDReye · 31/08/2017 00:08

OP how would you feel if sex between couples was unheard of and he didn't disclose his desire for sex until you had started to like him?
You may feel confused and upset?

I think you should say something along the lines of being uncertain about a physical relationship at this point in time. If he has a low drive you could talk together and see if you have options, if he has a high drive he is free to move on.

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