Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Asexual and dating!

62 replies

Sharkteeth · 30/08/2017 17:50

Hi all! I'm felling full of anxiety and nerves posting this. I'm pretty sure I'm asexual, I'm 25 and a virgin. The idea of sex turns me off completely and I've never kissed anybody sober. I'm on antidepressants for anxiety and they've helped me so much but have done nothing for my sex aversions!

Anyway, I've met a boy on tinder and he's lovely. We've been chatting on WhatsApp and it's been fab! But he wants to meet. I've ran out of excuses and I don't know where to go from here. I was on holiday for two weeks and he's on holiday now and he's dropping hints about meeting next week. I want to but I feel sick every time I think about it. And I worry about pursuing a relationship without sex. Please help!

OP posts:
Angelf1sh · 31/08/2017 05:00

Ifyouhappentosee - nobody is going to be emotionally involved after one date and nobody has to have sex on the first date. If they aren't going to see each other for date 2 then he simply doesn't need to know this deeply personal matter. If there is to be a second date or more then I agree the conversation should be held.

loveyoutothemoon · 31/08/2017 10:55

I think it's best to tell him before you meet.

demirose87 · 31/08/2017 11:01

Agree you should tell him before you meet or before he gets invested in you by talking for a long time, on the promise of a relationship. Some people haven't got time for time wasters. Sorry if that comes across as blunt but I've had my time wasted by someone on a dating site and it was completely pointless.

socialworkhopeful · 31/08/2017 11:49

A friend met her girlfriend on tinder, they're very happy and friend is on the ace spectrum, they discussed it early in the relationship and have figured out a way that works for them.

Many of the asexual dating sites require that you pay to message people or view matches, which isn't an option for everyone.

Also OP don't feel like if you ID as asexual now you have to forever, it's fluid, just go with it and don't stress too much about the label. Usually if you explain to people what you personally feel and are comfortable with, rather than using a label, then you know that the person is gonna be on the same page with what you mean.

There's nothing wrong with being ace, and you shouldn't feel bad about it, but if you feel there's other stuff going on that you could use support with, get that help. Whatever your sexuality, you deserve to be happy and healthy.

IfYouHappenToSee · 31/08/2017 16:41

nobody is going to be emotionally involved after one date and nobody has to have sex on the first date.

Quite. But what if they get on and 6, 7 or 8 dates down the line and he starts to think that he quite likes her and rather fancies her and that sex would be quite nice...

AdalindSchade · 31/08/2017 16:51

nobody is going to be emotionally involved after one date and nobody has to have sex on the first date.

Yeah but it's a waste of the other person's time. It's not fair to withhold such an important piece of information before setting up a date. Believe it or not most men aren't drowning in dating options and a forts date may be a really big deal to this guy. He deserves to know the op isn't looking for a sexual relationship before he pursues this any further

CattingAbout · 31/08/2017 16:59

Also OP don't feel like if you ID as asexual now you have to forever, it's fluid, just go with it and don't stress too much about the label. Usually if you explain to people what you personally feel and are comfortable with, rather than using a label, then you know that the person is gonna be on the same page with what you mean.

^^This is great advice. I identified as asexual for my teens and a lot of my 20s, I don't now, but that doesn't mean I think I was mistaken to do so then. Others are asexual their whole lives.There is a huge amount of ignorance about asexuality around, from people assuming that anyone who identifies as A has been abused, to the idea that a romantic relationship without sex is by definition just a friendship. Neither of these is true.

I don't know enough about Tinder to comment on whether it is the right place to find asexual relationships or not, but I think you do need to be upfront sooner rather than later if sex is definitely not on the table. Perhaps meet up once somewhere suitably public, where the time/place doesn't make it too easy for him to suggest going back to either of your houses. Then if it looks like more dates are on the cards, broach the subject then.

www.asexuality.org is a good resource, and certainly used to have a discussion forum of its own (probably still does)

Angelf1sh · 31/08/2017 17:02

Yes ifyouhappentosee and if you read the next thing I wrote, you'll see that I don't disagree about dates 2 onwards....🙄

IfYouHappenToSee · 31/08/2017 18:19

Ah, missed that!

But I do think Tinder is an odd place to be looking for an asexual relationship.

There may be the very occasional person on there who would identify as such, but there will also be far more appropriate places.

From the experience of people I know who've used it (I haven't), the majority of men on Tinder will not be happy with a sexless relationship.

loopsdefruit · 31/08/2017 18:26

I'm a PP who NCd, I'm asexual and I do struggle with knowing where to meet people. I'm experimenting with various online dating sites, and IRL meet up groups, I think it also depends where you are in the country, big cities are probably likely to have more a-spec people than small towns/villages, and more options with people who are open to compromise just by virtue of having more people in general. Finding the right kind of relationship when you're ace isn't always easy unfortunately.

Isetan · 31/08/2017 18:33

You haven't been fair to yourself. You don't have to disclose your aesexuality to anybody if you don't want to, you could just meet this boy and tell him that you thought you were ready for a relationship but you've now realised you're not and that friendship is all there is on offer.

Contrary to popular belief not everyone is obsessed with sex. You're not a freak, you're you and you are not alone because there are people like you in the world, you just haven't come across any yet.

There must be specialist websites that cater for aeexuals but Tinder is probably not one of them.

OliviaStabler · 04/09/2017 13:42

@Sharkteeth

Hi OP,

As an asexual myself my advice is to cancel the date. Whether sooner or later, he will be looking for sex and if you are not wanting to do that, it is best not to waste your time or his.

There are asexual communities online and asexual dating so I suggest you give those a try.

Good luck Flowers

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread