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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Cannot stop online shopping -affecting my relationship

55 replies

CannotStopSpending · 30/08/2017 10:34

Every month I am buying shit online and spending hundreds and hundreds. I know I have a problem but can't seem to stop.
DH goes on about it all the time. We are financially well off but that doesn't alter the fact that every month I buy crap online for no reason.
It's like an itch I have to scratch Sad
I don't know where to start for help but to complicate things DHXW is an alcoholic and he spent their marriage trying to get her help and now if feels like I'm taking the place of 'problem wife'. It doesn't feel like there is much room for my issues. What can I do?

OP posts:
Mushybanna23 · 30/08/2017 10:42

Cut up the cards and sell all the crap you don't use

strawberrielime · 30/08/2017 10:43

I think many of us have at one point or another hovered around a shopping addiction.

What do you think is driving it? I know when I was spending way too much I was trying to buy something that wasn't for sale, if you like.

TheNaze73 · 30/08/2017 10:43

You need to get help if you value your marriage.

crazyhairdontcare · 30/08/2017 10:46

Can you carboot some of your online stuff that you've bought? When you physically sell things for pennies that cost you a fortune it can be a brutal reminder of how much money we spend on crap we don't need, then it can act as a reminder the next time you go to make new purchases. Other than that, have you considered going to counselling?

hellokitsy · 30/08/2017 10:53

You need to get help if you value your marriage.

That's literally the entire point of her post. ConfusedShe knows she needs help because it's affecting her marriage, so she's asking on here for help and how to seek help. What a redundant reply!

OP, like any addiction it would help to clarify for yourself the feelings behind why you do this, like what void it's filling. Then you can try to find other ways to get that satisfaction. Also using simple tactics like cutting off your own credit cards and only using debit cards with a low limit could be a way to tie your hands.

Identify your vulnerable times too. Do you shop more when you're tired or anxious? When you're home alone at night? Note those things and find ways to avoid them.

Cognitive behavioural therapy can be useful for addictions too. A counsellor trained in CBT could help, and there is an app I have used called Thought Diary (probably better ones out there) which is good for writing down your thoughts at the moment of crisis or decision making. Then when you see in writing what your thought processes were, you can try to find strategies to help in those moments you feel weak.

Sometimes just a radical change can help too, like taking up a new sport or going on a trip somewhere. Or signing up to volunteer to help the less fortunate.

Opening up in an honest way and asking for support from your husband is good too. If he's a decent guy he'll be open to supporting you how he can, like rearranging bank accounts etc. But you may prefer trying to solve it in your own first.

Posting here shows you already know it's a problem which is the best first step.

Isetan · 30/08/2017 10:53

Cut up your cards and use the money saved on a therapist.

You sound almost resentmentful that your H's wife got your H's attention with her issues but you're not. This is your problem to solve and your H didn't favour his Ex in this respect, he learnt from his mistake and is quite rightly not assuming responsibility for your issues.

It's your job to gerbil help and not your H's to 'fix' you.

Time40 · 30/08/2017 10:55

I think you need some help to find out why you do this. You must have a need that this behaviour is meeting. I hope you can get it sorted out; it must be really annoying to know that you are wasting all that money. Maybe you could go to a therapist and talk it through?

MadisonMontgomery · 30/08/2017 10:55

It is difficult, I've always liked shopping and I find online shopping very addictive - just being able to click and find whatever you want. I delete emails immediately that come through with offers, and I have a 'wish list' where I put things I want and make myself wait a week or so before buying - often by then I don't even want it anymore! I do still probably buy more than I should but have cut down massively.

oeufdepaques · 30/08/2017 11:04

I like spending too. It makes me feel better when I buy something nice.

I try to set a budget. I say to myself; this month I am allowing myself 300 pounds for spending. Then I think more about what I really want and need before buying.

Therapy is also a good idea, to get to the root of the problem.

Good luck

CannotStopSpending · 30/08/2017 11:07

Thanks for your replies.

I am currently googling help in my area but it isn't easy as overspending seems to be treated as either something funny or there isn't a lot of help I can find in the UK. Think I've found a CBT counsellor in my area though.

I don't honestly know what is driving it. It's so easy to do with online shopping and apps like Amazon all linked to my phone. It's like an idea for something, a craving that is instantly satisfied then as soon as I've bought it the itch is gone. It's exciting getting parcels in the post too. The whole process is like a buzz Sad

TheNaze I know I need help that's why I posted.

HelloKitsy Thank you for your post. I am going to download that app and start using it immediately. I am going to book this counsellor too. I know DH will help me (he will be overjoyed I am going to finally seek help!)

Isetan I don't know if it's the way I'm reading your post but you're wrong. I don't feel like I am resentful of DHXW's alcohol problems and DH having tried to help her. I wouldn't want her life, the poor woman is struggling with her demons. What I meant was it adds to my shame of my problem. I didn't want to give him more problems to live with. He must be feeling like "Oh here we go again". I posted here for advice not to be ripped apart and made to feel worse. I know I have a problem.
And yes, I'm well aware it's my problem to fix not his thanks Hmm

OP posts:
Calmanglass · 30/08/2017 11:12

I Am similar. On mat leave and can't stop online shopping. It's so easy when I'm tired and up feeding at night. I set a limit and stick to it!

ShoutOutToMyEx · 30/08/2017 11:14

I get you. I wonder if I have an addiction myself too. It's at point where I can't stop thinking about something, I buy it, then when it arrives it's just straight in the cupboard and onto the next thing.

I know I'm trying to buy something that's not for sale. I just don't know what. I want to figure that out and then maybe I can stop.

CannotStopSpending · 30/08/2017 11:27

Calmanglass, Shout Madison and Oeuf

It's hard isn't it? Sad
Sometimes I've had parcels arrive and I don't even know what's in them!
Most of the time it isn't large monetry amounts I spend so I kid myself it's ok and reasonable but the truth is I don't know what reasonable means. It soon all adds up.
I have hobbies and I will buy everything to do with that hobby and then as soon as I have everything it's like I switch off from the hobby.
I hate myself for it and I hate what I'm doing.

OP posts:
MaisieDotes · 30/08/2017 11:33

It does add up. Bloody Amazon 1-click is dangerous, I always think it's only a few pounds here and there Hmm

I got a voucher for our local large shopping centre recently. It was for €500 and I thought, wow, I'm going to get tons of stuff with this. I was actually really surprised by how little it ended up getting me. I think my perception of how much things cost is skewed from the constant drip-drip of online spending, compared to old-style shopping trips where you get several things at once.

CannotStopSpending · 30/08/2017 11:44

Maisie that's it, it's a constant drip-drip. I have just deleted my card details from amazon. Now to do the same from my laptop so it doesn't 'helpfully' bring up all my card details to pay for stuff Hmm
I'm going to give my cards to DH so if he has them at least I can't manually enter them.
I have requested an appointment with the CBT counsellor so hopefully they can fit me in next week.
DH has just backtracked saying he was only joking about the counsellor and to just stop spending but I know I need to do this or it won't stop.
I don't know what 'normal' spending is Sad

OP posts:
Calmanglass · 30/08/2017 11:55

I get 'into ' something and I can't stop. Then it reaches a point and I couldn't care less about said thing and a new obsession takes hold. So far it's been: resueable nappies, baby slings, brio, duplo,antique silver jewellery, plants, board games, mugs, certain books/ author, prints and quilting materials. Very diverse! I sell once the feeling has passed. Or its something that's useful. And I do try to keep to a limit. But it's still stuff I don't need. I'm trying to get obsessed by a new kitchen to encourage me to save ha ha

CannotStopSpending · 30/08/2017 12:07

Calm you sound just like me Xx

I end up with three or four of the same thing. I then hide things when they come. None of it is stuff I need but when it is something I need I don't know what's normal.

A couple of times I have stopped and got into saving for a month or so but then I slide off the waggon.
Finding help doesn't seem to be as easy as I thought. If I was a drug addict or an alcoholic there is lots of help but although not physically addictive, this must surely be long-term as destructive.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/08/2017 12:15

You may want to read this:-

www.addictionhelper.com/shopping/

Amber0685 · 30/08/2017 12:21

Pause button. Before you buy something put it in your basket, then at the end of the week chose one item you really like. If there are others you still like roll them over till next weeks purchase choice

SecretFreebirther · 30/08/2017 12:23

I was starting to get like this. I've found it really helpful to go through my emails and unsubscribe from everything. Maybe keep a list of your spending so you can see it adding up. I tried to stop completely but that's just unfeasible and unnecessary so I'm now just much more conscious about what I do and don't buy and quite like the feeling of passing something up now. My house can't fit all the clutter Blush

Calmanglass · 30/08/2017 12:28

cannot do you tell your husband what things cost? I always seem to end up knocking 30% off the actual price when askedBlush
My new plan is a set budget...and having him have access to my PayPal and credit card accounts so he can see what I spend. Eek.

Didiusfalco · 30/08/2017 12:46

I've struggled with this at times. I'm very susceptible to anything reduced or a bargain. I feel it's such a good deal I have to get it, almost like I'm saving money by spending it, which is ridiculous. The problem is there are constantly sales or offers on. From the sound of your posts you're a bit past this point and want a more serious intervention, but self help things that's have made a bit of a difference include putting things in the basket and not checking out, because as you say sometimes I've forgotten what I've ordered, using Pinterest and having a spreadsheet so I can write down every little thing that I spend.

Clutterbugsmum · 30/08/2017 12:48

What about using a cash card where you have a set amount put on each month. That your husband can only top up and you can not spend anymore that what is on it.

ijustwannadance · 30/08/2017 12:54

Are you bored? Mentally unfulfilled? Relationshio ok? Do you work?
It's easy to get a buzz from any type of addictive behaviour, thats the while point.
I think seaking to someone to find out why you feel this need or what you are using it to cover up is a better use of money.

ijustwannadance · 30/08/2017 12:55

*whole point

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