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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Cannot stop online shopping -affecting my relationship

55 replies

CannotStopSpending · 30/08/2017 10:34

Every month I am buying shit online and spending hundreds and hundreds. I know I have a problem but can't seem to stop.
DH goes on about it all the time. We are financially well off but that doesn't alter the fact that every month I buy crap online for no reason.
It's like an itch I have to scratch Sad
I don't know where to start for help but to complicate things DHXW is an alcoholic and he spent their marriage trying to get her help and now if feels like I'm taking the place of 'problem wife'. It doesn't feel like there is much room for my issues. What can I do?

OP posts:
Guiltypleasures001 · 30/08/2017 13:10

It could be something simple like the thrill of something or someone coming to the door

It's normally indicative of a deeper problem, loneliness attention or relationship issues
A counsellor who is integrative, that can do a bit of everything lncluding CBT and look at your past and marriage would be better.

Shayelle · 30/08/2017 13:22

I have been there. I found the best way was to stop looking at the websites altogether. If it is something you really need, write a list, dont buy it for at least a week tho. Write a new list once a week and let the things you dont really need drop off.

Shayelle · 30/08/2017 13:22

You are already seeing it as an issue which is the big first step. When I was in the throes I didnt realise it was filling a void I just thought I really liked shopping!

Lovemusic33 · 30/08/2017 14:02

I have had this problem for years, I do try and be sensible but then the 'oh, it won't hurt if I just buy one more thing' kicks in or I convince myself that I actually do need new clothes or the dd's need new shoes. I probably buy something from amazon once or twice a week, I buy clothes most weeks too, I'm not skint but I would be much better off if I didn't online shop as much.

Aeviternity · 30/08/2017 14:25

He should cut up your cards and change the wifi password.

You are the one who needs to sort this out by committing to change and either just quit it, or seek help, or whatever. Honestly it'd be easier to just cut your cards up and be forced to ask him for pocket money like a child, until you learn responsibility. Literally, you need to relearn the value of money again.

Original poster
CannotStopSpending · 30/08/2017 15:55

Do you know what? There are some lovely supportive messages here but also some really nasty ones too.

I KNOW I have a problem, that's why I posted. I KNOW I need to seek help. I'm not a child so I don't need talking to like I'm one thanks Aeviternity Hmm

On one hand you're saying DH needs to change password/cut my cards up and in the next breath saying it's me that needs to change...
I am more than aware that it is my responsibility and for me to deal with and change. It is an addiction. My DH has nothing to do with the cause nor the solution to it.

Thank you to everyone else who posted in empathy and support.
I am going to sort this out.

OP posts:
bananafanana1 · 30/08/2017 16:40

Could you get a loadable card for your own use? That may help budgeting?

Best of luck with the counselling

Hope you're ok OP Flowers

Dejatrue1 · 30/08/2017 16:50

I dont really see what the "problem"
is here. I'm single with good savings? if I want to spend £3.50 on a posh hot chocolate and £15 on tat like a China cup with a picture of Hugh Grant on it off ebay l will, it's not a moral issue as long as it doesn't fuck with my financial stability.

We're a consumer society, the economy would be screwed if everyone only spent money on Worthy Things

That said; you do need to cut your cloth to suit your means as debt will make a mess of your future so;

  1. Budget for your monthly "frivolity" spends. Money in, money for savings/future, what's left over money minus basic costs like mortgage and housekeeping (If you're in debt, prioritise paying this but still have a small amount "just for you")

The frivolity spend comes out of what's left. It doesn't get questioned.

Everyone needs this, your husband can spend his on his hobbies or designer underwear if he wants.

  1. Stick to it.
Lovemusic33 · 30/08/2017 17:00

Dej I agree, luckily I'm single so I don't have to explain to anyone why I bought a rainbow pair of D martins (I haven't but It might happen some time soon).

If you can afford it is it really a problem? I love shopping online for a bargain and I prefer it to going to the shops, though I do still go to shops but only if I need to try something on or if there's a good sale that's not online.

Original poster
CannotStopSpending · 30/08/2017 17:13

We can afford it, we aren't in debt but we are supposed to be saving up. We have no pensions etc and are self employed in a business that is about to struggle with the fallout from Brexit.
There have definitely been months where I've been annoyed with DH for totalling up my spending but I think part of that is that it highlights how nuts I've got over the month.

OP posts:
Lovemusic33 · 30/08/2017 17:32

When I was still with dh he used to give me a budget for spending, an amount for clothes each month and an amount for extras (luxury items) and an amount for food, all were reasonable but I still struggled, I guess he was the sensible one. Now we are no longer together i try and budget myself but I tend to go a bit crazy on the spending, for me I think it's a bi polar trait (I haven't been diagnosed but huge family history), I can be sat on my own in the evenings and just decide that I want something, I then get really excited about buying it, I try and talk myself out of it but I can't, I end up buying it, the next day I feel a bit guilty, the next time I look at my bank I start to worry as it's doesn't look that great but after a week or so I do it again (buy something big that I don't really need). I tend to buy more when I feeling low, probably to cheer myself up.
I now put a set amount into a savings account each week where it's harder to get out, I try not to look at how much is in there or I will be tempted to spend it, it's put back for when the car goes wrong or something major. It means I have less money showing in my main bank account so I can't spend as much. I really need to save more instead of buying.

Maybe just set aside a set amount for spending each month, put it in a separate account that you can use just for one line shopping and hide all your other cards (get rid of them).

Calmanglass · 30/08/2017 18:36

You don't need treated like a child op. If you are anything like me you know exactly what you are doing and exactly what you are spending... you just can't stop yourself sometimes hence why you are looking for help. I really thin having my dh know what I'm spending helps me... suddenly that object I had to have at 100 quid looks ridiculous as I know what he will say etc.
I have never spent what I didn't have so I'm happy enough in that respect but I am aware that I could have saved a lot more.

I am on a no spend month... we will see how that goes. If it does well I am allowed to treat myself to a new piece of jewellery so I am motivated not to splurge online

HopefulHamster · 30/08/2017 18:47

I write everything I spend in a spreadsheet. I also have a budget. But just writing it down helps me rein it in. And If I want to spend more than budget allows, I have to sell something first.

You could do the same. Just write stuff down as you buy it. It's like MyFitnessPal but for money - keeping track makes you admit what you're doing.

springydaffs · 30/08/2017 19:46

See, people who don't have addictions just don't get it. you don't tell an alcoholic "Just limit yourself to the one" but this is what people are saying to you.

It's good you realise you have a problem. I'm an addict. I have a primary substance but, frankly, I could get addictive about a paper bag. I have found the 12 steps just wonderful and couldn't recommend this model of recovery highly enough. It is whole person recovery, not just the problem area.

You could try Debtors Anonymous as a kick start into the 12 step community. You'll meet plenty just like you, not just in DA but in the whole 12 step world.

LisaMed1 · 30/08/2017 20:11

I have similar issues, triggered by various relationships.

I've identified my triggers which takes the sting out of them a little. I've also started associating buying stuff with negative consequences that have nothing to do with money or triggers but stuff like - where am I going to put it?

I also found that it helped to only buy during the first week of the month, so I wasn't always kept in waiting for parcels. I spent the rest of the month planning purchases.

hth

Medwaymumoffour · 30/08/2017 22:38

I get the shopping buzz ( and then they joy of not being able to let things go as well). CBT has helped.
You don't need to talk about where is coming from or the trigger that started it etc.
Just how you feel at the time, then change your thought process - which yes is hard. So when you go to buy something as said above 'do I need this? Where's it going to go? What will happen if I walk away from it?'
Then you do that daily until it's a habit.
I had CBT over the phone. Phone was good, no need to feel under pressure.
now I get the same buzz from buying something from primark or eBay for a pound. (And more rarely) It's not what I'm buying it's the whole process of buying and treating myself

pallasathena · 31/08/2017 09:00

Try making stuff rather than buying stuff. It really does work! Sewing, painting, knitting, DIY, embroidery, decoupage, card making, cooking, baking, gardening..there's so much out there to get creative about.
I think the 'spend spend spend', phenomenon of today is linked to a widespread and increasingly embedded sense of entitlement in society: the 'Because I'm worth it', meme affects everyone.
But if you make stuff it somehow begins to recede and a genuine sense of achievement in doing something worthwhile boosts the old self esteem like nothing else.
Kids do it naturally. They make things, become inordinately proud of what they create and unless they're spoilt materialists, rarely get a buzz from spending money I've observed.

AddToBasket · 31/08/2017 09:11

To unpick this you will need to do some work on yourself, probably therapy.

Meantime, you need to replace spending with something else. I think Pallas is right about creative things being the best approach.

crumpet · 31/08/2017 09:17

Actually I think Aeviternity was making a valid point:

Immediate short term fix- for dhto change the passwords and for you to get rid of your cards, but alongside that for you to work on how you can change your behaviours for he longer term, especially if you want to save up

mumoseven · 31/08/2017 09:33

I realised a while ago that I now have enough clothes to last me the rest of my life. I don't need duplicates of things I like, several leather jackets, a million pairs of shoes, more dresses than I have time for. My thing is charity shopping, so I don't spend huge amounts at a time, but the buzz is finding stuff for a few quid which I will then never wear but not be able to get rid of. I've given this some thought and its like I'm waiting for my life to 'start' or something and then I can wear it all, or I haven't worked out who I am or something ( I'm over 50 ffs)

ravenmum · 31/08/2017 09:34

I definitely do this more when I am feeling rubbish, as a way to cheer myself up. I also agree that it's worth a candid look at what's going on in your life. It is so easy to feel like you just have a few minor problems that you are coping with or put up with somehow - being bored in your job, partner working late etc. - but they gradually build up until you have that constant dissatisfaction.

Maybe you also need to literally get out more - go jogging or something just to get away from the computer and boost your mood?

I tend to be more susceptible at night, but on a good day I can persuade myself that I will make the actual purchase the next morning, if it still seeme like a good idea. Usually doesn't! Do you think you could manage to delay just a little like that?

Lovemusic33 · 31/08/2017 10:05

The trouble is with going out more, getting a hobby is that you need to buy clothes to wear to go out more and hobbies can be expensive. I have a hobby but I have ended up spending £1000's on it, yes it gets me out of the house, it's fun but I'm constantly looking for things t obey to make my hobby more fun. I also spent lots on gym and running clothes so I could improve my lifestyle. We are just surrounded by temptation, it's so easy to sit down in the evening and browse the internet, easy to click a few buttons and buy something. It is a really hard addiction to control.

I don't think I would ever spend money I haven't got, wouldn't get into debt but I can see how some people do. I feel a bit guilty for not being able to save but then another part of me is saying 'go spend, enjoy, you could get hit by a bus tomorrow' Grin

ravenmum · 31/08/2017 10:21

If you're addicted, it's true, then a hobby can easily be another excuse for shopping. But if you stay indoors, you'll still find something else you need, plus your mood won't improve and you'll be at the computer ready to shop...

chickenwire17 · 31/08/2017 13:12

Read a book like Stuffocation or watch the Netflix documentary on Minimalism. They really tackle the underlying issues in society over why we seem to feel that we need so much 'stuff'. Maybe that could help you along a bit?

LisaMed1 · 31/08/2017 13:13

pallasathena I love making stuff. I make all sorts of things.

Do you know how easy it is to fill two rooms with 'craft' shop with just bits here and there? I'm not putting down the cheapo places you can get stuff on here (counterproductive) but it's just another excuse to shop.

Not my proudest moment, but I fancied making a patchwork and bought 90 ties. That's second hand ninety ties. They didn't cost that much but it all adds up. I still haven't done the patchwork. They've been sitting there for three years.