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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Bf of 18 months makes no sense

63 replies

Taz14 · 29/08/2017 23:39

We've met all each others family. He's in my kids life and they both love each other dearly. We are in love with each other to. We don't live together so as don't wanna rushing things. His ex gf of still trying to get him back or the possibility is he's stringing her along. I mean..... Who in their right mind keeps chasing an ex for that long. She's desperate to find out who I am and what I look like.(an assumption I exist) That to me comes across like IM the affair. He's never said to her he has a gf. He just says to me he just replies to some of her "how are you texts" but yet deletes them. (I asked to see the convos and nothing there) I asked why he deletes them.. He just says he just does and that He doesn't think much into it..... Am I being paranoid?

OP posts:

Graceflorrick · 29/08/2017 23:45

It doesn't sound like he's being entirely transparent OP. Is he trustworthy?

Aquamarine1029 · 30/08/2017 02:05

Your boyfriend is as slippery as a greased pig. He's playing you for the fool.

Shoxfordian · 30/08/2017 05:52

He sounds a bit shifty really

Cambionome · 30/08/2017 06:57

Think you need to have a serious conversation about this!

grobagsforever · 30/08/2017 06:59

If he routinely deletes other messages fine. Otherwise this is odd.

tccat · 30/08/2017 07:06

I know this is bad advice but if were me I'd ask her out for a coffee and be super nice to her, find out what was going on etc
He appears to be the slippery one here, not her, if it's just her texts that he deletes then that's shifty as hell
People with nothing to hide, hide nothing

Hissy · 30/08/2017 07:07

My exes batshit crazy Colombian ex chased him for TEN fucking YEARS...

Would phone him, have hysterics if I answered the landline in my own home, made up that I'd been rude or hung up on her, when of course I'd never ever dream of being so abysmally rude, would I?

When she heard that I'd had our ds, she said that she would be delighted to meet him one day, and would love him because he was part of his dad.

My ex used to tell me all this crap, mostly to destabilise me, but with comments like that I saw through him and told him that she could go ftfo and carry on being batshit very far away from me, because I was not biting any more.

As far as I know she still hankers after him 17 years on, and 7 years after I dumped him. The ex does at least see that she is bonkers

I'd give this guy a deadline, I'd back it up with a withdrawal of boyfriend privileges until he does out the past to rest. He's being lazy, vain and selfish. He needs to know that he'll lose you if he doesn't manage this situation.

Ultimately, no bloke is worth this crap.

TheNaze73 · 30/08/2017 07:23

I think you're being paranoid, he's with you after all isn't he?

There are a lot of ex's like that out there. You'd think they were why the block button was designed but, if they're threatening suicide for example, it's not so straight forward to manage.

Isetan · 30/08/2017 07:49

It doesn't really matter if he's covering for poor boundaries or if likes his ego being stroked, he's being shady. You can't stop him being shady but you can damn well stop being around it.

This is who he is, being shady is part of his DNA and you will be forever wondering, which will slowly chip away at your self worth or, move on.

You have a choice but 'making him see' isn't one of them.

Lily0588 · 30/08/2017 14:38

I had this with my ex.... his ex would apparently contact him regularly wanting to know where he was he had been travelling. He told me he would always ignore her but never had the messages to prove it. Turned out she knew nothing about me and he had been engaging in conversations with her the whole time, maybe as a back up plan. Demand you want to see proof or you yourself speak to her and ask her to stop. Good luck 😊

Mrscropley · 30/08/2017 14:40

Unless they have dc together why does he need to keep in touch with her??

amornin · 30/08/2017 16:22

I'd usually give my DP the benefit of the doubt, but your BF sounds well dodgy (and I'm not usually a suspicious person!).

He hasn't told her he has a GF, so is engaging with her exactly as if he were single. For some reason he wants her to think he's available. That plus the fact he's openly deleting her messages means there's blatantly things there he doesn't want you to see.

If he's not being open with you now, there's no way he will be in a few years time.

Original poster

Taz14 · 01/09/2017 16:44

There's just so much stuff that's just plain wrong but yet I'm the one that ends up saying sorry. For a year I kept asking if he had more than 2 phones. He said no. Yep that's right... He had 2 phones! He always made it I was being paranoid and that I should believe him blah blah blah. And yes.... I found the 3rd phone.
He has an alias fb account and instagram account. Has on ONE of his phones all the naked photos of past conquests which he says he won't get rid went should I. I don't look at them.. They are just there. He's Never answers a call from anyone when with me. But he says if you think your the affair.. Why would I of taken you to meet my family and we are going on holiday with them in October (which is all very true) but i see him once a week for maybe 4 hours. When I can very well see him more. I work and single mother to 2 girls and still try arrange opportunities to see him. He..... Doesn't work and lives alone but has 4 kids.. 2 mothers. He's either tired or "I've got things to do". We live 45 mins away so it's not round the corner. Am I being paranoid?

OP posts:

ThinkOfAWittyNameLater · 01/09/2017 16:52

Not paranoid. Maybe a little naive.

4hrs per week?!
He's claiming you're being crazy when in fact you've sussed his games?

I'd ditch. You don't need this kind of drama in your life.

RandomMess · 01/09/2017 16:52

Ditch and make yourself available for someone who is worthy of you!

BitOutOfPractice · 01/09/2017 16:54

Crikey. That sounds really dodgy. I'd bet he's still with his ex. With an OW on the side as well.

Offred · 01/09/2017 17:20

You are the OW.

Offred · 01/09/2017 17:21

Don't end up as mother number 3.

Original poster

Taz14 · 01/09/2017 18:27

I ended my marriage with a serial cheater 3 years ago and he knows this, as everyone that knows me. I've thrown out the accusations of me being the ow and he's being dodgy etc. He just says" we are not all like your ex"." It might not seem to be your version of logic but that doesn't make it that I'm cheating or your the other women" . Then makes me feel that I'm completely out of order to of thought such things.

With the 4 hour/week relationship.... I've said we should be spending more time together/seeing one another /making more of an effort to see one another etc. He says he really misses me and that he hopes I know that but he has stuff to do. If he could see me more he would. That I need to focus on the good stuff he does and not be so bleak and negative........ Now it may come across that with my post you would assume we argue.. We've never argued/shoutef /screamed at each other. We hear each others side out. But I'm always been made to feel that I'm looking for something that's not there. Says I'm probably not to trusting of men but hes not like that. I end up believing that maybe he's right. I'm not too trusting... But my gut is screaming at me saying somethings wrong. I've met one friend! He's hid me away.... His kids don't know about me OR the mothers (meant to be moving in together apparently in Nov). I give him stuff to give to his kids at xmas/birthdays and tvs, tablets and games etc and he's been saying they are from him. I don't want to be their mother. They have an amazing mother. But to paint out your single and effectively go on family days out (he never has his kids in his own ever! ) meals together, all Xmas day together and need the " I'll fix /build /help /assist man" for everything just seems weird. I would never have my ex husband who is the father to both my kids come round and help me out with diy or go on family days out if I was in a relationship. He is the dad to my girls NOT my partner anymore.

My boyfriend says that just because I wouldn't do that or have that type of relationship with my ex doesn't that mean everyone should be the same. I'm helping my kids not the mother. Am I wrong? My birthday was July... He actually left me on my own to help her go round Costco to help with heavy lifting of shopping ! Said he forgot it was my birthday and arranged it 2 days prior. That he couldn't let her down now. He won't be long. I could out on the eve of my birthday. We arranged before the 3 DAYS to do something ON my birthday but I was benched.
Is he right saying that maybe I'm being unreasonable because my pride is hurting. Should I go up to everyone saying " so you know... I have a girlfriend, so it doesn't hurt your pride..... Really? You being silly and childish."

That's not what I'm saying at all. I know she invites him to her family Dos because she thinks he's single not because he's the dad of the kids. They are never in a relationship. Just a 18 months shag.

OP posts:

Cambionome · 01/09/2017 18:34

Get rid.

Offred · 01/09/2017 18:38

Do you really want to be with someone who constantly makes you feel like shit?

MistyMinge · 01/09/2017 18:40

Your more recent post about him is a real eye opener. Who needs 3 different phones and different social media account - someone who leads a different life, that's who!

Also seeing someone 4 hours a week does not constitute a deep and meaningful relationship. I'm betting he gets his leg over and leaves.

Do yourself and your child a favour and dump him.

MistyMinge · 01/09/2017 18:41

*double life

Putyourhandsintheair · 01/09/2017 18:42

Honestly? No part of this sounds good. Nothing about his life is transparent.
In a healthy relationship you wouldn't feel like this. To turn it round on you and your issues from previous relationships is manipulative, cruel and just wrong.

mogulfield · 01/09/2017 18:45

4 hours a week isn't a relationship. Get rid.

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