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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Bf of 18 months makes no sense

63 replies

Taz14 · 29/08/2017 23:39

We've met all each others family. He's in my kids life and they both love each other dearly. We are in love with each other to. We don't live together so as don't wanna rushing things. His ex gf of still trying to get him back or the possibility is he's stringing her along. I mean..... Who in their right mind keeps chasing an ex for that long. She's desperate to find out who I am and what I look like.(an assumption I exist) That to me comes across like IM the affair. He's never said to her he has a gf. He just says to me he just replies to some of her "how are you texts" but yet deletes them. (I asked to see the convos and nothing there) I asked why he deletes them.. He just says he just does and that He doesn't think much into it..... Am I being paranoid?

OP posts:
3perfectweemen · 01/09/2017 20:09

Shock he is playing you. The phones, 4 hours week, not meeting kids, saying the gifts u give are from him. You know your the other woman you just don't want to believe it. He is a snake. Please tell him to get lost. Flowers

tropicalwaterdiver · 01/09/2017 21:57

If he never has kids on his own and helps with shoppings, it looks like he lives with his family.

And a phone with all previous conquests pictures screams the guy is a player...

Brown76 · 02/09/2017 09:33

This is entirely too much drama! Have my first LTB.

Ellisandra · 02/09/2017 09:43

Oh come on. Don't be so bloody stupid!
4 hours a week, and tells his ex he's still single?
And why on earth are you sending TVs, tablets and games to children you've never even met?
Stop trying to buy him.

FaithHopeCharityDesperation · 02/09/2017 09:46

From 'we love each other very much - he's in my kids life too & everyone loves each other' etc to 'we see each other for 4 hrs a week, he has numerous phones & duplicate social media profiles' in just 2 posts.

You're the OW - he's an arsehole.

Don't let him play you or fuck you around any more.

Ellisandra · 02/09/2017 09:54

Incidentally - I would never have introduced my children to a part time boyfriend that I only saw for 4 hours a week Hmm

Zaphodsotherhead · 02/09/2017 09:55

Lives alone, doesn't have time to see you because he's 'busy'... loads of phones - is he a drug dealer, OP? Because he sounds more dodgy than a really dodgy thing.

Steer well clear. He's got form and he's trying to make out you're crazy when you call him out.

Original poster
Taz14 · 02/09/2017 10:11

That's the thing.. I have a door key and I have gone down without any warning and he's there.. No women. It's a one bed flat breed lived in for 9 years. Still though.... If I'm the ow as I've thought many times... Why introduce me to his family. I've even got his neice phone numbers AND I'm still going on the family holiday. These are his arguments when I confront him 🤔

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 02/09/2017 10:21

But don't you see that even if you're his BAE and not the OW, this is a crap "relationship"? Confused

If my boyfriend had secret phones and couldn't be bothered to spend much time with me, I'd dump him.

Carolinesbeanies · 02/09/2017 10:22

"Your boyfriend is as slippery as a greased pig. He's playing you for the fool."

This.

MissSmiley · 02/09/2017 10:42

He doesn't mind you having a key to his flat because he doesn't see his ex (or current gf) there. It's his bolt hole.

Ellisandra · 02/09/2017 10:51

That and because he knows that in the unlikely event that you ever did turn up at the same time as another woman then:

  • you'll put up with it (why not - he got away with the secret phone)
  • or he won't care that he's dumped because you're only 4 hours a week and he has others on the go

I know that's unkindly blunt, but I think it's true.

tropicalwaterdiver · 02/09/2017 12:37

He didnt introduce you to his children, correct? Are you sure that you have his niece phone number?

He could just keep 1 bed apartment for meeting women.

Ellisandra · 02/09/2017 12:49

And why would you ever introduce your own children to someone who doesn't want to introduce his?

Zaphodsotherhead · 02/09/2017 13:27

OP, I don't think you are the Other Woman to him, you are just A Woman. One of many.

SparklingRaspberry · 02/09/2017 13:33

Not to be rude here but I can't believe you're even posting this having to ask for advice

Why are you settling for somebody who is CHOOSING to see you for just 4 hours a week? That alone is bad enough. But the whole having 4 phones, not working etc is dodgy as fuck and I can't understand why you would want to be with somebody like that? Let alone having to ask other people for advice on that person

Get rid. You won't be the only woman he's got on the go. Even if you are, he doesn't wanna see you for more than 4 hours in a whole week.

Original poster
Taz14 · 02/09/2017 16:13

I'm asking for advice because when I bring up the issues I'm writing to about to him he always has an answer that kinda makes sense. When he keeps saying that "we've spoke about this before" or "I'll sort it" or "your just being paranoid" or "I'm not like that" it then starts to make me question whether I'm in the wrong. He always says "you know about my phones, it's not a secret" amongst other answers it does really just.... Makes me think. BUT, I can't shake the gut feeling and he knows this. It is his neice. As I say.. I know all his family, I'm going on holiday with them. I'm asking advice because of constantly been told by him that I'm wrong by him.

OP posts:
Heyx · 02/09/2017 16:35

So are his children going on this holiday?

GardenGeek · 02/09/2017 16:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tropicalwaterdiver · 02/09/2017 16:57

Listen to your gut feeling and probably take a pause in bringing issue to him. If he cheats, he lies and 2 steps ahead of you.

Go on holiday with him and his family and just watch carefully... being 24/7 after 4 hrs per week - something will come up.

bluebannana · 02/09/2017 16:58

I had an ex who strung me along for 5 years until his 'new' girlfriend posted their relationship on social media. I then did some snooping and found a card from his sister saying how lovely it was to meet x (a 3rd girl who he had told me was just a friend) at her dds christening. I had been with him the night before/morning of said christening and thought he was going alone. Also a card from x (3rd girl) "to my fiance"

I finally realised he was using me for back up sex if nothing better was on offer, a kind of foul weather friend when his life got shit. I moved on and he couldn't handle it started accusing me of stalking his gf, and told my now DH that I would always love him (ex) and he could have me back whenever he chose!

What I'm saying is that maybe you are the other woman, I was but just didn't see it until it was thrust in my face because I was in love.

Original poster
Taz14 · 03/09/2017 03:54

He has 4 children. 2 with one 2 with another. I've seen the 1st mother (mother A) in court. She stopped my bf from seeing his kids 2 years ago and effectively he has taking her to court. The 2nd mother (mother B) was an 18 month shag that ended up with 2 children (they were never in a relationship) she moved shortly after out the country and raised them both there. She came back to the county 5 years ago (unbeknown to my bf and so you know the kids are 10 and 11)but only got in contact with bf 1 year ago. Now when I query the whole.... Why am I hidden from mother b? She has things off me without knowing, I don't wanna take over mothering the kids and I'm not/will not prevent you from seeing your kids as she can see, she still sees you and has for the past year of my 18 month relationship with you . I'm not taking over her role but to purposely hide me.. Come on.. That's plain weird . He says "why rock the boat? Everything I do is for the girls, I'm seeing my kids, yes I'm helping out but that's because she mostly raising them on her own, yes we BOTH take them to the park etc (oh and they have like family of four photos.. Him, her and the kids posing i mean wtf! But he says it's for the girls) what happens if I tell her about you (because your pride is hurting) Hello mother B... Just do you know I've got a gf... Would that make you happy?.... and with that she stops me seeing my kids?" I say" why would she stop you seeing your kids. She thinks your a single man so why does it matter that you end up with a gf, are you meant to stay single then? Even though apparently your not with her. " he replies" I didn't expect mother A to stop me seeing my kids but she did, mother B could do the same and I'm not willing to risk it "

That's the reply....... And most replies are like that... They make me think im being unreasonable. So yes.. He has an answer for everything but my gut is telling me something.

Oh and I've said that mother B will find out about me when we move in together. He said "well it's she stops me seeing my kids that's they way it is" WE ARE MEANT TO BE MOVING IN TOGETHER NOVEMBER!, why is it's so.. "Yeah... if she stops me seeing them well so be it"...... BUT yet atm its......." I'm not willing to risk it "

Honestly... The contraindications he has really confuses me.
As I said..... He's an answer for everything 😒

OP posts:
TeachesOfPeaches · 03/09/2017 04:27

Do not move in with this man OP!!!! He sounds like a dodgy fucker - don't do it to your children.

Kittymum03 · 03/09/2017 04:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Howlongtilldinner · 03/09/2017 05:27

This man has 3 phones. Nobody has 3 phones unless one of them is a work phone. That's red flag no.1. You are being made to doubt yourself. That's red flag no.2. Four hours per week he sees you because he has so much 'stuff' to do. Red flag no.3.

In fact their are so many 'red flags' in this 'relationship'! You say you have met his family, you do know that some families condone behaviours?

This 'man' is no good, think about your children here, don't move in with him. He is not to be trusted.