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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I did it - please help me stay away and stay strong

59 replies

harlondon · 29/08/2017 22:27

22 weeks pregnant
met the father of the baby 11 months ago
cheated on me in first 4 months - like a fool forgave him
ridiculed me not long after that - begged forgiveness etc

since then abuse got worse especially when I announced I am pg
broken toe, pushed shoved
last night was quite spectacular - he takes up whole bed
I tried to sneak into bed without waking him - he woke up and was seconds away from giving me a beating - ripped duvet off bed , shouted until I apologised spent all night saying sorry

now - all my stuff gone from shared flat
am with friends
please help me stay away
I feared he was going to kill me last night

help please

OP posts:
shivermytimbers · 29/08/2017 22:29

You are amazing! Stay strong Flowers

BrainSaysNo · 29/08/2017 22:29

Well done.
If you ever feel like going back, use this thread as your motivation to keep away.

Remember this.
I feared he was going to kill me last night

Original poster
harlondon · 29/08/2017 22:30

it is all somehow my fault in his eyes
no remorse today still shouting
i make him act in this way
such a fool I am

OP posts:
Original poster
harlondon · 29/08/2017 22:31

yes very true

OP posts:
mrszebrastripe · 29/08/2017 22:33

Stay strong for you and your baby. This man does not love you and you need to stay away. You've done brilliantly to leave, please don't make yourself vulnerable again Flowers

gamerchick · 29/08/2017 22:33

Better to get used to being away from him now before you fear he'll kill your child to get at you.

Call police every time he shows his face and have him removed.

expatinscotland · 29/08/2017 22:35

You CAN do this! You WILL do this! You and your child deserve to live and have a good life. Keep remembering that. You and your child are more important than he is.

MusicToMyEars800 · 29/08/2017 22:36

You've done the right thing in leaving him!
He sounds .... words fail me....
You are being incredibly strong, Just think of how much of a better life you and your baby will have without him.
I've watched a programme called murdered by my boyfriend and it was harrowing, It sounds like he could be capable of doing what happened in that programme.
Do you have family and friends to support you?
Also it is not your fault!!

shivermytimbers · 29/08/2017 22:36

Luckily, you don't have to give a flying fuck about what he thinks any more.
You've got a wonderful new little baby who needs all your strength to keep them safe.
You can build them a happy home where they never have to worry about violence or name calling or abuse.
Try to focus and the life you want to have, not the shitty one which you have so brilliantly escaped.

Bekabeech · 29/08/2017 22:40

Top recommendations: Women's aid and the freedom programme.

keepingonrunning · 29/08/2017 22:43

What a moving post OP. I am so pleased and relieved for you.
Please phone Women's Aid 0808 2000 247 for support and information. Staffed 24hrs. They will phone you back at a time you say in your voicemail if lines are busy.
Please get advice before you put your baby's father on the birth certificate. Assuming you are not married you do not want this man having any parental rights.
There is a lot of support available to you, Women's Aid can signpost you to it. Check your local council's website for domestic violence services too and be sure to mention it to your midwife and GP.
Don't hesitate to phone 999, or 101 if it's non emergency. Good luck.

keepingonrunning · 29/08/2017 22:45

Be careful what you post on social media so he can't find you. Block him on all your devices ASAP.

LilySwamp · 29/08/2017 22:46

Well done you on getting out and away from this monster so quickly.
That alone shows you’re not a fool.
Have you reported him, OP?
He needs to know there are consequences when he threatens and
terrorises you.

Well done, OP Flowers

Original poster
harlondon · 29/08/2017 22:46

keepingonrunning

how will that work

I do not want him involved with my child
he almost caused me to crash the car earlier _ i was screaming please stop I am pregnant

OP posts:
Original poster
harlondon · 29/08/2017 22:47

we are not married

OP posts:
RedastheRose · 29/08/2017 22:48

He is horrendous, you are brilliant and brave, do not go back to him. Whatever he says to try and convince you is a lie. Do not let him back in your life, next time you might not just fear that he was going to kill you! Protect yourself and your baby. Lots of people recommend the freedom program when you have been in a relationship with an abusive person.

Original poster
harlondon · 29/08/2017 22:49

thank you

how do I keep him out of my childs life
I do not want him involved in her upbringing

OP posts:
keepingonrunning · 29/08/2017 22:50

Before your newborn is 6 weeks old you have to register the birth. When the registrar asks for the father's name to put on the birth certificate you say 'not known'.
Please ask Women's Aid for their advice about this, I am not legally trained.

HopeontheHorizon · 29/08/2017 22:51

Well done OP for getting out of this horrific situation. Have you got somewhere to stay long term? Maybe with a family member til you can get sorted?

Maybe explain to the midwife what had been happening. You don't have to bring charges against him (unless you want to - I'd be tempted) but at least the MW may keep a closer eye on how you and baby are doing.

Stay strong, you can do this. Stay well away from this man. When baby is born, maybe seek to arrange supervised contact so he is never left alone with a small child.

And yes, ring women's aid too.

Ohyesiam · 29/08/2017 22:51

You are brilliant, well done for getting out do early. You and your baby deserve to be well away from him. I won't even say what I think of him, vile words are not enough.

Contact women's aid, and check out the freedom programme, there is support for you. And keep posting on here, we can help you stay strong.

kittybiscuits · 29/08/2017 22:54

Based on what you have said, I would contact Women's Aid with a view to disappearing without trace. He sounds very scary. It's time to go to protect yourself and your child.

Original poster
harlondon · 29/08/2017 22:55

thank you guys
my sick father was downstairs and I was so worried he would upset him

when he saw me cry he got angrier and angrier
I lay in the bed motionless in a ball
then I said sorry for an hour to calm him down
he claimed I was at fault as I then took up the bed so he shoved me again
arm covered in bruises
will speak to midwife

OP posts:
HopeontheHorizon · 29/08/2017 22:55

Just read your update re nearly causing a car crash. Understandably you donor wish for him to be involved in your child's life.

As PP say, when you get the baby registered, do not put him on the birth certificate. It means he has no parental responsibility for the child. It's up to you how you wish to play it from then on but even though he isn't on the birth cert he still has a legal financial obligation to the child. It's up to you whether you wish to pursue that once your baby is born.

Good luck op.

DancingLedge · 29/08/2017 22:55

Bravo you. For having the strength to leave whilst pregnant. Bravo.

You are strong. You will look after yourself and your unborn child.
You deserve so much better than this.
Don't put him on birth certificate. Don't have silly notions that you owe him anything.

Freedom programme is great idea, when you're ready. Literally don't know anyone who's not gained a lot from this.

Please come back here if you ever wobble, and wonder if you might go back. Cause you know that's a crap idea.

We're with you.
How you doing now?

kittybiscuits · 29/08/2017 22:57

If he knows when your midwife appointment is, please change it for safety. Explain you are fleeing DV and need to see the midwife but your ex is a threat to yourself and your baby.