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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I did it - please help me stay away and stay strong

59 replies

harlondon · 29/08/2017 22:27

22 weeks pregnant
met the father of the baby 11 months ago
cheated on me in first 4 months - like a fool forgave him
ridiculed me not long after that - begged forgiveness etc

since then abuse got worse especially when I announced I am pg
broken toe, pushed shoved
last night was quite spectacular - he takes up whole bed
I tried to sneak into bed without waking him - he woke up and was seconds away from giving me a beating - ripped duvet off bed , shouted until I apologised spent all night saying sorry

now - all my stuff gone from shared flat
am with friends
please help me stay away
I feared he was going to kill me last night

help please

OP posts:
keepingonrunning · 29/08/2017 22:58

Tomorrow I urge you to phone 101 and ask to speak to the police's domestic violence unit. They will take your phone numbers and if you need to call them you will be made a priority. They also need to be made aware of this man.
Perpetrators do not like to lose control of their target. I'm sorry that means you. You are still at risk Flowers Stay brave.
Ask Women's Aid about your nearest women's refuge.

Original poster
harlondon · 29/08/2017 22:59

I am shaken and crying
in shock but did well considering

so if he is not on certificate he cant get involved or has no right to?
sorry to sound stupid here just need to check

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 29/08/2017 23:02

it is all somehow my fault in his eyes
no remorse today still shouting
You won't hear any of his shit ever again if you totally block him and get the police to help you with that. He will become a person you used to know.

RedastheRose · 29/08/2017 23:03

You can have a chat with the police and ask them to make a record of his behaviour in case he escalates things now you've left. I think initially you can just leave his name off the birth certificate then he would have to request a DNA test to establish that he is the Father before he would be able to ask for access.

EatSleepTidy · 29/08/2017 23:03

Well done OP, you are strong. Do a pro and cons list what's good/not good about him and keep it where you can add to it and refer to it easily if you wobble. You are not a fool, you have found freedom for you and your baby, don't turn back, from your post he's adding nothing positive to your life, stay away.

DancingLedge · 29/08/2017 23:03

As you're not married, if you don't put him on birth certificate, he has no parental responsibility- or rights. You can exit his life, and pretend he doesn't exist. Sounds like the best option for your child.
Don't get sucked into, oh but I owe it to the child. Most of all, keep your child safe.

Sadly, if he cares enough, he could pursue this via court - but many uncaring father's don't. Cross that bridge if you come to it.

Meanwhile, stay away from him as much as possible- IRL, and on social media. Just exit his life.

There's a so much better future waiting for you and your child. Flowers

FetchezLaVache · 29/08/2017 23:03

No, love - he can insist on paternity test and be involved.

For this reason, I think you would be well advised to get everything documented to keep him away from you and your beautiful baby

You say you're covered in bruises? Police. Get it all on record.

Stay strong, love - you are being such a great mum already. xxx

DancingLedge · 29/08/2017 23:04

Oh, and you did great.

keepingonrunning · 29/08/2017 23:04

It's another reason to report the abuse to the police so he is logged as a danger to your baby.
Refuge
Women's Aid

Original poster
harlondon · 29/08/2017 23:05

thank you thank you
lovely people on here
really helps

told friends
too upset to tell family they will be so sad

OP posts:
kittybiscuits · 29/08/2017 23:07

You did brilliantly Flowers

2littlemoos · 29/08/2017 23:08

Stay strong OP. He sounds like he would be a terrible father so if you ever feel weak think of your baby Flowers well done Brew

DancingLedge · 29/08/2017 23:08

Are you safe tonight? Flowers

keepingonrunning · 29/08/2017 23:08

Don't rattle his cage - make sure you are the most boring thing in the world to him - and there's a good chance he won't give a flying fuck about your lovely baby.

HappylandToysEverywhere · 29/08/2017 23:10

PLEASE CALL NCDV on 0800 970 2070 and they will get you a FREE emergency injunction within 48 hours to keep him away from you and call Women's Aid and they will put you in a Refuge. Fab places. Also doesn't cost anything. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do this for your baby and for you x

HopeontheHorizon · 29/08/2017 23:10

If he isn't on the birth certificate he has no parental responsibility to the child. This maybe a blessing as it means he doesn't get a say in the child's upbringing, religion, medical issues or any of that stuff.

However the child has a fundmental right to see both of his/her parents. It may not be wise for that to happen in the short term but say for instance, your child gets older and wants to know who his/her dad is and wants to contact them, it means the child has a right to do so. Whether the father wants to be onboard with that is another issue. In the event that this did happen it would be definitely wise to seek supervised visits so your child can not be left alone with this violent man.

However, whether he is on the birth certificate or not he will have a financial obligation to the child til the child is 18. Even if you never see this guy again, if you know his address and where he works you can get Child Maintenance on to him and they will collect payments from him without you ever having to have contact. If he doesn't pay he could end up being fined or even imprisoned I think. Because the financial duty is a legal one.

The government website for parental rights and responsibility are extremely useful. I don't know how to post a link though but a quick google search should bring it up.

I think you're incredibly brave and believe me you and your child will be better off without this violent person in your lives. Explain everything to your mw as the stress can harm you and your baby. Hopefully they can be a source of help for you Smile

Original poster
harlondon · 29/08/2017 23:15

excellent points thank you
I need to stay strong
acknowledge it is not my fault
be happy that I am free and not hurt

I will speak to MW
report this man (I do not want it taken further)
and his name will not be on birth cert

thanks again for support

OP posts:
kittybiscuits · 29/08/2017 23:18

You need to give serious thought to reporting him because he has abused you and reporting him will protect you and the baby. It's very important. Please talk this through with someone who knows about domestic violence.

StarlightExpress5 · 29/08/2017 23:24

Well done op, we're with you Cake

meltdownsanonymous · 29/08/2017 23:27

It's not you're fault.
Think of your future. Think of your baby.
He sounds absolutely vile.
You sounds absolutely awesome.

Original poster
harlondon · 29/08/2017 23:39

I am - I care for others , treat people with respect
noone deserves ths
my issue is that I can be too trusting and too nice
he threatened to knock me out with a punch before
should have rang police then
fool - that is what I am

OP posts:
memyselfandi1 · 29/08/2017 23:52

Omg run if you were my daughter you would now be home with me doors locked xx plz stay safe xx

5BlueHydrangea · 30/08/2017 02:33

As you are not married he would have to attend with you to register the birth to go on the birth certificate. They will automatically put 'unknown' on their records if not. He would need to go through the courts to apply for parental responsibility then which he sounds unlikely to do.
Get a friend to photograph your injuries. Give a lot of thought to reporting him to the police for assaulting you. They can help protect you. He has been so nasty to you, if you don't stop him he could do it again, or to someone else in future. At least get it logged with the police even if you don't press charges at this time.

tryingtogetthroughlife · 30/08/2017 06:01

Hi Op,
I think the advice you have been given up above has covered everything and is fantastic.
All I can suggest is maybe when you feel upto it, try to find a children's centre near you as most run special. Dv groups to offer on going support with other survivors and people still going through Dv.
Well done Op on being so strong this is the start of you taking control Flowers
Good luck op Star

Cambionome · 30/08/2017 07:14

Definitely report him and make sure your bruises have been photographed. This may become very important later on.

Good luck. I hope you are feeling a bit better this morning. Flowers