Things people say that are not helpful after a breakup

[Pleasedontsaythis]

Have namechanged as so fed up with this 'advice' people are dishing out around me. It probably comes across as bitter and negative, but I'm losing my patience with it. Do people not think?

Background: H first left about a year ago, back and forth for the year with a few months trying again. He has left for good now, has just started divorce proceedings, has moved to Cornwall to live in a van and surf. He has chucked in his job. No OW, he still loves me but wants to be free.

Things I've heard are:

If you were my wife, I would't leave you - Erm, thanks. Not helpful.

I would love an evening on my own - just have a bubble bath. - thanks, the novelty wears off quickly if it's evenings on my own almost every night.

Honestly, you don't want kids. They are more hassle than anything. Ok, why are you having a second then, pregnant work colleague?

Urgh, my husband is useless at times. I envy you. Leave him then. No? Thought so.

If you are sad that you don't have children, do you want to babysit mine? I would love date night with my husband. Fuck off.

You are free now. And before I wasn't?

Loneliness is not real. Just meet people, do a club. Ok, I get that. There is a difference though between keeping busy and social (so not being alone) and feeling lonely.

Aww I know you miss your h. Get a cat. Yes, a cat will be just like a actual human partner.

Arghhh there's more but I can't be arsed. I know I'm being unfair, bitter and unkind but it grates.

I also know it's all about mindset and people try to be helpful and kind, but I needed this rant .

God people can be unreal...

Those are horrible :(

I used to always say to my single,separated brother who was so lonely after a year of being single 'dont worry, you'll find someone, there's someone for everyone, it's just a matter of time etc!'
Now that i'm single myself i would HATE to hear this empty shoddy stupid comment lol

The worst ones are the people who make your situation about themselves (i.e. I would love an evening on my own! Or, do you want to babysit mine? Or launching into a story all about themselves )
Although the dismissive ones about getting a goldfish or joining a book club are callous and out of touch too.
It can be hard to know what to say, so I find shutting the hell up and just listening or being a shoulder to be best. Do you have ANYONE who can just be there for you and not be a twat?

Ha queseea that's another one I've heard a few times. 'I'm sure happiness is just around the corner for you'. It's tricky isn't it. People just don't know what to say.

Yes I have dust. I find the year point tricky. People assume that after a year things surely are all dealt with. I don't find that though. Not after a 10 year relationship and marriage and divorce. It's often longer than a year.

'I'm not going to take sides' = I am going to take sides and support your ex's delusions, making him even more entitled and confident he'll get away with his bizarre behaviour with no consequences.

Ha good one. One of STBXH's relatives messaged me to ask me for 'reasons why she should still keep contact with me'. I told her to do one.

'Are you sure you have made the right decision? He seemed so nice.'

I always say the same two truths when someone tells me about their breakup:
"Thats really shit"
And
"Nothing is going to make you feel better except time."

Or some variation of.

"You're not going to turn into one of those bitter, twisted exes are you?"

this from a mutual friend.

I didn't despite being justified. She did however, 4 years later, god she could have written the fucking book on the subject.

Oh I needed this
you really should be moving on by now
you must not have loved each other enough
it takes two to destroy a marriage

On the other hand, lovely people that have urged me not to rush it, that I will be content again, that I'm not barking mad.

Healing is definitely not a linear process.. I'm two years into a complicated separation(in real terms only about 9 months)

"We all knew he was cheating and wondered how long it would take you to find out"
Thanks for that

This is really cathartic ..... thanks!

That's good, splendid.

I would prefer a cat than a partner, my cat doesn't snore, doesn't leave the toilet seat up and he never argues with me .

I think people just try and make you feel better by saying these things because they don't know what else to say.

Luckily I never go any weird comments from people, just support.

please is that a reply to me or what someone said to you?
I'm hoping it's the former .....

"I know you still love her but she's moved on to someone else now, I think she had actually moved on to her while you were still together."

"I thought you were plodding along quite happily!"
shudders at thought of plodding

Also- "you can't take your spreadsheets to your deathbed!" And "oh that's such a shame, I thought you were growing up a bit!"

These are all from the same friend in response to me breaking up with a very dull and odd guy who she had decided I should stick with, to reform me of my feckless ways...

As my grandmother said ' leaving was a stupid thing to do, he doesn't hit you and makes decent money and more than once I saw him in the chip shop'

Massive cross post . My reply was to splendid - I like what she says to people.

Some unbelievable replies here .

The worst thing I ever heard when I was quite happily single and getting on with a very nice life thank you very much, was "aw, you'll meet someone", with the clear inference my life was lesser for being single.

Used to drive me up the wall.

"You'll never find someone like him again." Good!

I was pleasantly surprised by one of my aunts after I ended a long-term relationship last year. She's not known for her tact and diplomacy. However, I got a nice message telling me that there's no point in staying in something that wasn't right.

My worst one was 'you didn't know him well enough before you got married, if that had been me and my perfect husband we wouldn't have made it either.

No, I didn't know he was going to be an abusive bastard before I married him, funny that eh?

"Trust me, you're going have men queuing up for dates now that you're single"

Erm, wrong.