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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Things people say that are not helpful after a breakup

62 replies

Pleasedontsaythis · 28/08/2017 18:25

Have namechanged as so fed up with this 'advice' people are dishing out around me. It probably comes across as bitter and negative, but I'm losing my patience with it. Do people not think?

Background: H first left about a year ago, back and forth for the year with a few months trying again. He has left for good now, has just started divorce proceedings, has moved to Cornwall to live in a van and surf. He has chucked in his job. No OW, he still loves me but wants to be free.

Things I've heard are:

If you were my wife, I would't leave you - Erm, thanks. Not helpful.

I would love an evening on my own - just have a bubble bath. - thanks, the novelty wears off quickly if it's evenings on my own almost every night.

Honestly, you don't want kids. They are more hassle than anything. Ok, why are you having a second then, pregnant work colleague?

Urgh, my husband is useless at times. I envy you. Leave him then. No? Thought so.

If you are sad that you don't have children, do you want to babysit mine? I would love date night with my husband. Fuck off.

You are free now. And before I wasn't?

Loneliness is not real. Just meet people, do a club. Ok, I get that. There is a difference though between keeping busy and social (so not being alone) and feeling lonely.

Aww I know you miss your h. Get a cat. Yes, a cat will be just like a actual human partner.

Arghhh there's more but I can't be arsed. I know I'm being unfair, bitter and unkind but it grates.

I also know it's all about mindset and people try to be helpful and kind, but I needed this rant Grin.

OP posts:
Beentherelefthimgotthetshirt · 28/08/2017 19:37

I never liked him anyway.

This from someone who appeared to adore him and my sister.

MeMeMeMe123 · 28/08/2017 19:37

Oops - my fault please

I did think it was a very jolly response though!! channelling an inner Tim Nice but dim...

splendid your comments are very helpful and compassionate .....

Original poster
Pleasedontsaythis · 28/08/2017 20:05

ferris I had something similar: ' Maybe you should have Finsbury out more about him ndvhat he likes before you married him.'

Happy - Just hang in there. He will knock on your door when you least expect it Wink

OP posts:
Original poster
Pleasedontsaythis · 28/08/2017 20:08

Finsbury? Wtf? Found out more ... what he likes.

OP posts:
WindyWednesday · 28/08/2017 20:08

"Plenty more fish in the sea"

Crap crap crap.

Original poster
Pleasedontsaythis · 28/08/2017 20:17

Urgh Windy I hate this one too. And, actually, there aren't. Over fishing is a real issue Grin

OP posts:
BlackeyedAngelsSwimming · 29/08/2017 09:05

Really supportive: lovely people who 'got' how traumatic it was; 'this experience can be worse than a bereavement' (from both my GP and my mum); short texts or emails from people just saying they had heard about it and were thinking of me etc

Not at all helpful: complete silence... from certain people I considered quite close, particularly a few in-laws. No christmas cards from nearly all the 'other' side of the extended family (even though I would imagine the dc are blood relatives!) - makes you think they never liked you in the first place!
'At least you have your dc'.... I don't know why but this winds me up

Luckily I haven't had many 'fish in the sea' comments as it's REALLY not about that it is! But I found the silence/no contact hardest to deal with. Why would anyone do that? Embarrassment/not knowing what to say I guess?...

Beentherelefthimgotthetshirt · 29/08/2017 09:07

over fishing is a real issue Grin

Worriedrose · 29/08/2017 10:06

When single friends say "oh I love my single life" (I'm sure you do, but I'm bloody struggling being sad and lonely and now I feel even more shit that I'm not automatically loving my life!)

onanotherday · 29/08/2017 10:25

..from the xsil ( with money and happy marriage ) and who was financing his new love nest....lots of people break up and kids get over it!! DC's in counselling..Angry

We are better off without him...had to go through hell thoughConfused

...stop press...readers he was dumped..has used up all his families support and money...at 47
lives in a room in a student house has no money.....revenue is a dish served cold......

...

SuperSkyRocketing · 29/08/2017 10:39

"If you still really want kids you could always use one of those sperm donors"

NotJustThreeSmallWords · 29/08/2017 10:48

"Why don't you take yourself off on a date night? I'd love a night off on my own"

Because every night I'm on my fucking own, that's why.

Original poster
Pleasedontsaythis · 29/08/2017 16:57

Yes, silence is hard too. Haven't had anything from any of his relatives. I got on really well with his mum; nothing.

super, this comment is horrendous.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pleasedontsaythis · 29/08/2017 16:59

Do people really go out on date nights on their own??? I went on my own to a lovely pub the other weekend, at lunchtime with a book, and sat in the garden with a shandy and a bowl of chips. Was I actually on a date? Hmm

OP posts:
Worriedrose · 29/08/2017 17:06

Yes!
You were on a date with yourself...Hmm
I'm with you. Went to the pub today on my day off for a half and read a paper after the gym (pointless I know)

Didn't feel like a fucking date! Sadly

Original poster
Pleasedontsaythis · 29/08/2017 18:41

Oh my, better slap some makeup up then next time Grin.

Honestly though, this is ridiculous. What next. Treat yourself to a lovely spa day? Just you, yourself, and some cucumber water. It will be as if he'd never left.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pleasedontsaythis · 29/08/2017 18:42

on not up.

OP posts:
Pebbles1989 · 29/08/2017 19:25

"But we thought you two made such a good couple." I took some satisfaction in replying that it seemed that way to me too, until he tried to hit me and threatened to kill me.

Pebbles1989 · 29/08/2017 19:27

All his relatives, and several of our mutual friends, dropped me as well. That hurt almost as much as the breakup itself.

IrritatedUser1960 · 29/08/2017 19:28

I want to stay friends with BOTH of you.

Me: Any friend of that bastard is no friend of mine. If he's your friend just shut up about it, I don't want to know.

LovesPeace · 29/08/2017 19:40

'There's two sides to every story'
as though blame should be divided 50:50 no matter how badly someone behaves.

You'd never say that if someone was mugged...but in relationships we assign guilt to both parties?

Fartypant · 29/08/2017 19:45

'If you had made his tea more often, maybe he wouldn't have gone off with other women'

Thanks mum Hmm

Fartypant · 29/08/2017 19:48

I'm 5 years since divorce. I still don't want another relationship. I don't want him either. I am mostly happy, but I still feel really really sad that it didn't work

PoorYorick · 29/08/2017 19:50

If you are sad that you don't have children, do you want to babysit mine? I would love date night with my husband.

This one made my jaw drop, quite literally.

cafeaulaitpourvous · 29/08/2017 19:56

After splitting up with my H after ten years of marriage

My father 'couldn't you wait until your mum had had her birthday - this is going to spoil it'

My Ex H was having a rampant affair, had sexually assaulted me and I was left with two young children - one with SEN.....