I feel like DH and I are just not compatible. Who is wrong?

[lucas161212]

Another big argument with DH. It's the same old every time. The weekend comes we discuss what we re going to do and what needs to be done etc. He likes staying in and resting from stressful work, I like going out and enjoying days out as a family. We both want time to ourselves.

I thought we reached a compromise where we have one day in and one day out. However whenever it gets to our day out we have an argument as DH is full of excuses. He's tired, he's not done x,y and z so it will be stressful for work the next day. So it ends up that I feel like I ve forced him to do it.

So this morning straight away he starts saying he is tired and needs to get x,y and z done. In fairness we ve had a difficult weekend and we ve had unexpected wallpaper stripping to do. I was going to do it all but when we got to the final room it was very tough and so we employed a couple of lads to do it sat and sun. Dh didn't want to leave them in our house unattended so stayed in on sat and sun whilst I took the kids out by myself mostly and we agreed to finish off stripping on Monday and go out with kids together. Now he is complaining about this and saying I am making it stressful for him for work tomorrow.

Our weekend looked like this.

Sat- Dh- went out Friday night so hungover. I got up with kids and he had lie in. Sat normally my lie in day. Made him b fast in bed. About 11 went and picked his car up. He took dd to get passport done, which he's done wrong, and then wrapped present for me for party ds had and made dinner.

Me- got up with kids at 7.30 did normal house stuff, stuff for dh etc. Took dh to collect his car, took ds to get paint samples then took ds to party.

Sun- Me- took ds and dd out all day.
Dh- helped guys strip wallpaper as proving they weren't going to finish on time. Not sure how much time spent on wallpaper stripping versa watching football. He had tv on both sat and sun when got home.

So, who is wrong? I feel like I have an extra toddler with dh. I have to pick up after him all the time. He's tired, he's not done yxz and it's my fault even though every weekend we have a day inside and he has every evening after returning from work at 7 and doing ds bedtime too.

I am just fed up of arguing. We have totally different views on life.

Sounds like a lazy git tbh.

Does he go out drinking every Friday, leaving hungover and therefore unable and/or unwilling to look after the children and go out as a family?

Sounds a lot like my ex, he just had no energy or motivation. I guess its not terrible, but its really hard when you're so different...
I'm afraid we never solved it (tho I did eventually feel worn down from doing so much, so I was tired too..).
Maybe encourage him to look at stress management techniques, as it sounds as if work related stress creating a situation where he feels he has to retreat home all the time. If he could calm himself with meditation, and maybe see time with the family as a contrast and a way of removing stress (rather than another burden to bear), it might help him get moving?

Why are you looking to play the blame game? His feelings are as valid as yours. Perhaps he does feel tired - babysitting builders might not seem like much but it can be tiring.

Why don't you just sit down as ask him how he'd like to compromise? Tell him what you'd like out of the weekend and let him suggest a plan for it. At the moment, you do seem to be in that trap of you mummy-img him and him acting like a stroppy teenager.

Yes, I feel like he's very lazy. He never tidies up after himself. Cup left next to dishwasher, ingredients from cooking left out, fruit cut up for kids pudding left out. I admit I am not miss clean and also leave things out but not like him. I said he wouldn't have to blitz the house for hours if he tidied up after himself. He can't even pull the plug out after the kids bath ffs!

I think he's just got too used to me doing it all and organising his life. He's done his passport wrong because I wasn't there to hold his hand at the post office. I filled in the form for him as he was dealing with wallpaper strippers who arrived early. So he didn't bother checking any of it and didn't listen when I said do check and send at a certain post office. So he's sent it off with no payment. So it's going to be stressful trying to get that done before our holiday at half term. How did it not accure to him that he's only paid £5 odd for a new passport! They was the postage.

He gets very stressed at work. He runs his own business and does the sales. I get this is stressful and he's said to me he has no head space for anything else. I get this and that's why I thought one day in one out would be a great compromise. But no, making me happy and doing something I want to do even though he doesn't, isn't important. I pick up 99% of the household jobs because of this but he still fails to do the two jobs he's meant to do anyway.

No, going out with a hangover is rare but unfortunately alcohol seems to badly affect him and wipes him out longer than most.

He thinks I am just ranting and raving over nothing but he doesn't see that my frustration builds up over time and then explodes. We agree something and he goes back on it every time.

Jo jo- after a massive argument over his issue a few weeks ago I did just that. I told him what I want out of a weekend and he said what he wants. We compromised the one day in one day out thing, which I suggested months ago. But every time it comes to the day our day we argue as he's go back on it. Saying it's not as black and white as that.

You took breakfast in bed to your hungover partner after he stole your lie in. Wtf?

You rewarded him for his behaviour. You lost something yourself (your lie in). You created extra work for yourself unnecessarily (breakfast in bed). You didn't stay in bed and make him get up to do his share of the childcare. Now you are complaining.

Martyr much?

Unfortunately I think you both have different views of what a weekend should look like. I like days out at the weekend and often plan then with other mums who seem happy to link up while partners are doing whatever- being grumpy, playing sport etc. Suggest you make a decision not to expect to do everything together. He does sound a bit lazy and the hangover would bother me if it isevery weekend that also probably takes its toll. If you want to go out just go out OP.

Baby- my point is I want to go out as a family. I am with the kids all week every week as it's summer hols and want a hand. I want to have family time. I am beginning to wonder why though as we had a lovely time yesterday and I feel horrible saying it but I don't think he would have added anything had he been there!

I made my b fast in bed to be nice. I also wanted to go to the gym and he started asking me to give even that up. The one bit of me time I have all week! I did it so I would be able to go to the gym. A compromise I guess. He watched a DVD with them on the sofa whilst I went.

Can I ask if you work full time too?

Ok so you need to carve out some protected time for you so that you can always go to the gym eg Saturday mornings are mummy's gym time. This is essential otherwise you will go up the wall. Try to have a sit down chat with your partner and negotiate. Seems he can go out and get drunk so why can't you go to the gym?

I don't get it, you do 99% of the household chores and wonder why he doesn't pull his weight?!

He sounds selfish and lazy. It sounds as if you've tried talking to him but he doesn't listen or change. The only thing I can think of is to try couple's counselling, but he would have to agree to go and then engage when he got there. If the unequal dynamic is going to change, it's going to take work and probably the very real threat of losing the relationship - otherwise he has no motivation to change. But if you threaten to leave without meaning it, he'll sense it I'm sure. So you actually need to mean it. Sounds like your life would be easier and more fun without him in it, anyway! You would actually get a break when the kids were with him. And you'd have one less child to tidy up after

I work two days a week but term time only. I accept I will do most of the family jobs because of this but I feel like he wants me to do them all. He leaves for work 9/9.30 returns by 7 most days. I feel like he does very little and I have the responsibility of everything without help. He can't even tidy up after himself.

I do compromise. I feel like it's all I do and it's all one sided. If there something I want to do and he doesn't it's an argument.

I mentioned earlier in the week before the paper stripping problems about the gym and he said we ll see. He seems to not be able to have both kids unless they're watching tv. He can't get on with something in the house with them playing. They are hard work and will fight and argue but I deal with that all the time.

Emma- yes I am beginning to think life would be easier. I do wonder what I get from it all. He's not a bad man but he is selfish. I don't think I saw it so much before we got married. As we get more stressful with dcs and work etc it's become more apparent.

I ve threatened to not do things for him many times. We ve said in the heat of the moment about splitting up. I ve meant it seriously a few times. But I do love him and we have two young dcs. I don't want to split up but I just feel like we re not compatible.

He agreed in these arguments to do more and compromise but when it comes to it it's the same old.

He's a lazy entitled arsehole. Leaves the plug in the bath ffs! Wanker. People like this fuck me right off.

I think I read on here how if someone does this, leaves shit out for someone else to deal with what the are actually saying is 'fuck you, your time is worth less than mine and I don't respect you so will expect you to tidy up after me.'
I say this to my dds when they leave towels on the floor, plates by the dishwasher etc (without the fuck you bit!) that what they are saying is they don't respect me at all.

OP, go download 'I love you but I'm not in love with you' by Andrew Marshall. He explains about the stages of relationships which is very helpful and John Gottman 'Why some marriages fail and succeed' I think it's called? Honestly what you're explaining can be explained in these books. The thing is, you're DH has different expectations to yours so trying to get him to see your point of view is like pulling teeth. I think maybe, maybe he might dread, for want of a better word, spending the time with you and the DC because it's too much like hard work?

My DH was like this. He dumped me a year ago for OW. I bet my DH is so much happier now, no DC around, he can do what he wants. Lap of luxury tbh whilst I'm still carrying the load. I have to say though, it's easier for me not having a man-child in tow having to try and sell him the value of family time.

It sounds like he thinks his time is more important than yours. He is the big macho breadwinner therefore he has more rights at home.

This is an unpleasant and unattractive mindset. It's also IMHO misogynistic. He's fobbed you off by pretending to listen.

Stop doing his cooking, washing etc for a bit to illustrate how much work you do. And don't make him breakfast in bed!

Being honest I think there is way too much obsession in this country (and USA) about family time, I agree it's nice if it comes naturally but have found many men just don't like large swathes of it unless it's 'specific' like a theme park etc or a trip to cinema , some women feel this way too but seem to get less chance to opt out!! Whereas many men take up cycling or a sport I think to get space

So what should happen then, crap? Women should take care of the family on their own because men don't really like spending time with their dc??

I found spending huge amounts of time with young children stressful and boring at times, but that's what you have to do when you are a parent, ffs!!

Can you not do day out on a Saturday then relax on a Sunday?
(not that it solves the other problems)

He's lazy and entitled, isn't interested in family time. He does sound very selfish in that he's happy for you to do things you don't want for him but when it comes to doing things he doesn't want to do for you then he starts the excuses, is this something someone who loves you would do? He needs a wake up call.

This is why I'm single tbh, I can't tolerate this kind of shit and I like to do exactly as I want all the time.
The house is tidy 24/7 instead of a bomb site and coffee stains all the way up the stairs.
This kind of stored up resentment can cause real problems and eventual divorce as it rarely gets better on its own.
You have two options really, get rid of him or if you want this marriage to continue it's going to take a lot of compromise from both sides and/or counselling.

It's not a compromise if there was no intention to follow through (which there wasn't), it's a lie. So, he lies to you and you enable him by going along with the obvious lie.

This is who he is, accept it and work around it or be prepared to limit your exposure to his lazy arsed bullshit, permanently.