I feel like DH and I are just not compatible. Who is wrong?

[lucas161212]

Another big argument with DH. It's the same old every time. The weekend comes we discuss what we re going to do and what needs to be done etc. He likes staying in and resting from stressful work, I like going out and enjoying days out as a family. We both want time to ourselves.

I thought we reached a compromise where we have one day in and one day out. However whenever it gets to our day out we have an argument as DH is full of excuses. He's tired, he's not done x,y and z so it will be stressful for work the next day. So it ends up that I feel like I ve forced him to do it.

So this morning straight away he starts saying he is tired and needs to get x,y and z done. In fairness we ve had a difficult weekend and we ve had unexpected wallpaper stripping to do. I was going to do it all but when we got to the final room it was very tough and so we employed a couple of lads to do it sat and sun. Dh didn't want to leave them in our house unattended so stayed in on sat and sun whilst I took the kids out by myself mostly and we agreed to finish off stripping on Monday and go out with kids together. Now he is complaining about this and saying I am making it stressful for him for work tomorrow.

Our weekend looked like this.

Sat- Dh- went out Friday night so hungover. I got up with kids and he had lie in. Sat normally my lie in day. Made him b fast in bed. About 11 went and picked his car up. He took dd to get passport done, which he's done wrong, and then wrapped present for me for party ds had and made dinner.

Me- got up with kids at 7.30 did normal house stuff, stuff for dh etc. Took dh to collect his car, took ds to get paint samples then took ds to party.

Sun- Me- took ds and dd out all day.
Dh- helped guys strip wallpaper as proving they weren't going to finish on time. Not sure how much time spent on wallpaper stripping versa watching football. He had tv on both sat and sun when got home.

So, who is wrong? I feel like I have an extra toddler with dh. I have to pick up after him all the time. He's tired, he's not done yxz and it's my fault even though every weekend we have a day inside and he has every evening after returning from work at 7 and doing ds bedtime too.

I am just fed up of arguing. We have totally different views on life.

Is he your husband or your Siamese twin? Leave the guy some space instead of hounding him - do fun stuff with the kids if that is what you want to do. A Few weekends of doing sod all and hearing about the fun you're having from the kids and he will feel rested and bored and like he is missing out and want to join. Just stop trying to get what you want by shouting 'I want to get what I want' and be a bit more thoughtful about it.

Do you want to spend 5 years in each other's bumholes or 30 years pacing yourselves? Clue: very few men want the former.

Everybody is different. Some people prefer weekends in after a week outside the home I think its a mistake to make doing things with the children every weekend a major issue, effectively putting your partners needs second. Happy parents, happy children. Not saying he should sit in every weekend. But I wouldn't make this a major point of contention as long as there is some compromise. The advice here is very female biased as usual. And now the H is predictably a lazy worthless bastard because he sometimes wants to stay in after a hard week. And it doesn't matter if some people can manage to do activities at weekends different jobs stress in different ways and some people are more introverted and need, not want time to shut out the world and chill.

Is this a battle worth arguing over to 'win' OP? You might you win and lose at the same time.

I am surprised he doesn't want to get out if stuck at home all week to be honest, maybe you just don't tick the same these days, has he always been like this though??

If it were me I'd give up on doing stuff as a family. I'd do the things I wanted to do and let him get on doing his stuff. I certainly wouldn't pick up after him or make him breakfast. I'd create a container in the kitchen or hall where I'd just dump all his stuff he doesn't tidy away. He's an arse imo. Live your life for a while and let him get on arsing.

This weekend we've not done a lot, I worked Saturday morning so my husband and son chilled at home, Sunday my husband and son went to a car boot sale and left me in bed then later in the day I took my son school shoe shopping whilst husband did stuff in the garden, then we relaxed at home. Today we are all at home relaxing and husband is once again doing stuff in the garden whilst me and my son are being lazy on the sofa!
To me a weekend full of activities would be hell. I really enjoy staying at home. I also think kids need time to get bored and to learn how to entertain themselves but of course they need fun activities with the whole family from time to time too so I completely understand you Op.

@HadronCollider

He's lazy because he's lazy ( per the OP). Not because he's a man.

I'm struggling with you making breakfast in bed, so you could go to the gym. You have a right to go whether you make the breakfast or not.

If he's going to miserable while he's out of then it's best he doesn't come up, but do you have to go out every weekend?

Perhaps reducing it to once a fortnight will be better and a good compromise. Then meet up with friends either children or take them out alone on the other weekends.

How about: drop the day out for all of you to fortnightly, with you and the kids having a day out without him alternate weeks? He gets that day to himself at home - but he should get something for you to eat ready when you get back, even if it's just putting a pizza in the oven. Along with this, you get a gym visit every weekend without needing to make breakfast first to compensate.

Just stop doing shit for him if that's his attitude. Let him fend for himself and say "this is me don't try to change me" see how he likes that. Go off and have fun with the kids and leave the miserable get at home, it sounds as though you are both very different people who want very different things out of life, does he understand that if you split he would have to give up a whole weekend to entertain his children, sounds like he would hate it and make excuses not to have them!

I am not on his back to do family stuff all the time. He has every evening and one day of the week where he does very little. We don't go out every weekend all day everyday. We re not joined at the hip. I take the kids out on my own often on the Saturday.

I made him b fast in bed to help him feel better so he would get up and be with the dc so I could go to the gym,

To me the whole point of a family is to have time together as one. On the days I am not working I am with two pre schoolers day in day out. I don't want to be with them by myself all weekend again. I want some help.

"He can't even tidy up after himself."
Unless he's physically disabled, it's not that he can't - he won't.

"I end up asking him again and again to make sure it's done. He then accuses me of nagging."
'Nagging' is a bullshit word IMO. If DH accuses me of it, I say a. I shouldn't have to ask in the first place and b. If he did it the first time I asked, I wouldn't have to ask again would I?!

"I don't think he's going to change."
That's your answer isn't it? He's even told you as much. Take it or leave it. If I were you I'd leave it. You can't expect things to improve if you stay.

"I don't want to live with a moaner the rest of my life."
Then don't.

He does sound lazy, and resentful of the demands of family life with young DC tbh. Having said that it also sounds like you're trying to force a square peg into a round hole a bit. I don't think there's anything wrong with weekends at home and I'd find it exhausting and a bit annoying if DH was insistent we ^had to have a 'family day out' every single weekend. I wonder whether if there was a bit less pressure to be constantly doing^ something he might feel a bit more like, well, doing something

You sound really stressed OP and I understand why but maybe if you could just switch off from 'busy' mode for a little while a slightly more natural compromise might develop. It does sound a bit like you and DH have dug yourself in to your opposing sides and now it's hard to give any ground. I think you have very different approaches to leisure time but that doesn't mean you can't find a happy compromise, I just don't necessarily think half of every weekend is it.

As has already been said the aim here should be everyone being happy and taking the pressure off for a little while might help you both figure out the best way to make that happen. He does need to pick up after himself and stick to the jobs he's agreed are his though, it doesn't sound like you're asking for too much where chores are concerned.

Just to be clear I am in no way saying he should be allowed to opt out of family life or his responsibilities, just that people have varying energy levels and preferences for how they relax. None of us can have our own way all the time but there must be a happy medium, there's just as many memories to be made having fun at home as on days out.

That is a fair point. I think it's too much to do DIY and a day out on the same day. On a 3-day weekend you could maybe spend 1 day on DIY, have 1 day out and 1 day chilling at home and catching up on chores. But on the average weekend I would expect either a day out or a DIY job (by that I mean something that will take several hours, not just a quick job). For the stripping, which sounds like a big job, I would clear the weekend and not expect to do much else except maybe go out for a meal or short walk if you still have time and energy left when the jobs are done.

I think that's a bit of a red herring, though. The main issue is that he doesn't pull his weight at all - whether it's during the week or at the weekend - and he prefers watching TV to days out and quality time with the family.

As much as family time out every weekend is great not everyone is up for it. My dp hates crowds and isn't fond of days out, we do occasionally plan bigger trips together but our 'family time' normally consists of watching films together or playing games indoors with the girls. I used to get cross about it but if I forced him somewhere he didn't want to go he'd be miserable which is no fun. I now take the girls out where I want to take them with or without him, we do more together now there's less pressure.

What I'm trying to say is if he wants to be indoors why can't that be made into a fun day making memories? My girls have fond memories of water fights, cuddling up watching a new film (or an old one we've all seen a million times), playing games on the wii with daddy, or building lego sets together. Family time doesn't always need to be centered on going out.

As for laziness round the house - I understand how you feel, I do some things as I weigh up whether it's worth the argument. When I look at his home growing up and how his mum is I can see why he doesn't see what needs doing. I have a higher standard of house cleanliness than he does. When I go back to work next week there will be a list of chores for him to do before work as I'm doing more hours. We talked abd as he 'forgets' he will have a list to do each day pinned to the fridge. There's no excuse then.

Well I be told him I am not going to be picking up after him so much and that I need him to be more reliable. So far he's taken it on board and is making more effort. We ve been here before though and it's short lived. But this time I am determined not to go back to it,

Decided to try and lay off about one family day out a week too. See what happens if I am not mentioning it. Hopefully it will
Motivate him to suggest it more and do it more without me feeling like he's done it under duress. I ll try it for a few weeks and see what happens.

We talked abd as he 'forgets' he will have a list to do each day pinned to the fridge. There's no excuse then.
Good luck with that. I've been at the stage of drawing up a tick list of chores, which still hasn't been done. If they don't want to do them, they just won't - "looked clean enough already" etc.

I'm struggling with some of this too. The things that work (a bit) are claiming the time to do the things I want to avoid feeling resentful. DP just 'lies in', takes all the lie ins. If I want one I have to tell him: i need a lie in, you get up. Some suggestions: I agree with taking the pressure of with the family days out, playing at home or trip to the local park is enough, maybe plan something monthly with friends that you want to do, he can come or not. Also claim your 'me time'. Saturday morning is your gym time, DH has the kids but he can do what he wants with them. One evening a week you go out with friends or to gym as soon as he's home. DH makes dinner (if this is frozen pizza it's fine), washes up, puts kids to bed. His laundry in a bag, shove in cupboard, he puts it away when he wants.