I feel like DH and I are just not compatible. Who is wrong?

[lucas161212]

Another big argument with DH. It's the same old every time. The weekend comes we discuss what we re going to do and what needs to be done etc. He likes staying in and resting from stressful work, I like going out and enjoying days out as a family. We both want time to ourselves.

I thought we reached a compromise where we have one day in and one day out. However whenever it gets to our day out we have an argument as DH is full of excuses. He's tired, he's not done x,y and z so it will be stressful for work the next day. So it ends up that I feel like I ve forced him to do it.

So this morning straight away he starts saying he is tired and needs to get x,y and z done. In fairness we ve had a difficult weekend and we ve had unexpected wallpaper stripping to do. I was going to do it all but when we got to the final room it was very tough and so we employed a couple of lads to do it sat and sun. Dh didn't want to leave them in our house unattended so stayed in on sat and sun whilst I took the kids out by myself mostly and we agreed to finish off stripping on Monday and go out with kids together. Now he is complaining about this and saying I am making it stressful for him for work tomorrow.

Our weekend looked like this.

Sat- Dh- went out Friday night so hungover. I got up with kids and he had lie in. Sat normally my lie in day. Made him b fast in bed. About 11 went and picked his car up. He took dd to get passport done, which he's done wrong, and then wrapped present for me for party ds had and made dinner.

Me- got up with kids at 7.30 did normal house stuff, stuff for dh etc. Took dh to collect his car, took ds to get paint samples then took ds to party.

Sun- Me- took ds and dd out all day.
Dh- helped guys strip wallpaper as proving they weren't going to finish on time. Not sure how much time spent on wallpaper stripping versa watching football. He had tv on both sat and sun when got home.

So, who is wrong? I feel like I have an extra toddler with dh. I have to pick up after him all the time. He's tired, he's not done yxz and it's my fault even though every weekend we have a day inside and he has every evening after returning from work at 7 and doing ds bedtime too.

I am just fed up of arguing. We have totally different views on life.

Don't get me wrong he is pretty good with the dc in that he will take them out. But only when asked. He wouldn't volunteer. He will have them when I go away etc for a weekend. He's having them in a few weeks whilst I go away with a friend. No doubt he ll go to his mums though.

I am just tired of arguing. You see lots of men with their families having a lovely day out or going round the shops with their dw. I don't think I am asking much. Just one day a week. Why can't he just do it without an argument? We just don't seem to see each other's point of view anymore. It ends in a shouting match. I am tired of it.

I think I will stop doing so much for him. Trouble is he will just leave it and it will be a mess or not be done. He never puts his clothes away for weeks even though I ask him again and again. He claims he doesn't have time but he makes time to watch football or go on his phone.

There seems to be a competition where we won't do anything in the evenings after work. This is because I admit as soon as the dcs are in bed I sit down and don't get up again. He argues that he's not doing stuff then as he's been at work all day and that's why come Sunday he doesn't want to go out because he's not done xyz. He argues that I am sat doing nothing in the evenings, which is true. But I say I ve done it all day and now need a rest. He argues I ve had time in the day to do it and he hasn't, which is true when I am not working but that's why it builds up for the weekend.

It's as if I started this thread myself OP......it's actually reminded me of the utter frustration I felt at the time.

I think you should give the guy a break. If I understand correctly you say he works 9 till 7 pm every weekday. Whilst you work two days. That would exhaust me. I might go out one day every other weekend and relax as much as I could the rest of the time. I think this just preferences. As for callinh him a lazy etc. He should help around the house more, agreed, but working takes committment and is not lazy. MN sometimes!

My exh was exactly the same. Lazy and unmotivated and never wanted to do anything on weekends and we never ever went out on a bank holiday as everyone else was out . I used to go on my own with the kids but hated that he opted out.

Anyway Re your compromise, what about doing a shorter activity on each weekend day? Would that be better than the one day on one day off arrangement? So he gets to chill out for part of each day.

TBH ex and I never resolved the issue and it led to a lot of resentment. Thing is, when you have a family you have to do things for the children even if you have been working all week as what is the alternative, everyone staying in bored or on screens all weekend?

I agree, you have to do things you don't want to. That's life and I say that to him several times.

How do I enable his lie? We have a massive argument. I feel we reach a compromise but when it comes to the going our day inevitably he has an excuse and so we argue. It's a circus I can't get out of. He goes against all his promises.

He accuses me to packing too much into a weekend. I do like to be busy. He liked to do nothing and let the kids watch tv.

Sorry Hadron but I work full time and am 35 weeks pregnant, my husband works full time and has a very physical job but we make sure we spend at least one day of the weekend out as a family because the kids enjoy it. I don't particularly love going to a busy park I'd love to be sat at home relaxing but the kids would be bored and it's not fair on them plus it's nice to make memories together as a family.

I don't think your asking for too much at all OP.

Does he help before he goes to work in the mornings? I expect your working day starts earlier than his...

How old are the DC are they involved in helping around the home, certainly from age 3 mine were included in chores.

I wonder if you are more sociable than him?

I do think he should commit to one weekend day out as a family it's important for the DC!

He does the washing up in the morning and sorts the kitchen as it's always trashed from the night before and me making dinner. He doesn't do it that evening. He lounges in bed until 8/8.30 as he struggles to get up.

Again we argue about that as I feel if he did the washing up the night before he could put his washing away, iron in the morning and so wouldn't need to do it at the weekend.

I just get so frustrated with him as I can't trust him to do anything. When I went to the gym on Saturday morning I asked him to put some washing on. Got home and it's not been done. I ve asked him to cut ds s toe nails, he's the only one ds lets do it, about 6 times over a couple of weeks and he only did it last night. He claims he forgets. I need to be able to rely on him and know if I've asked him to do something he will do it. I end up asking him again and again to make sure it's done. He then accuses me of nagging. Which then turns into an argument.

If you split you'll get EOW off...

I would suggest booking couples counselling tbh and both of you reading "wife work"

I don't think he d ever go. This morning he said women try to change men. Why's it always on him to change? I make him feel like he's a bad person. I don't mean to. He said this is him and he's like that. I don't think he's going to change.

I am not perfect but I do feel he is the one who needs to compromise more. I don't know what to do to sort it out so we re both happy. I just want to be happy.

Ah yes OP, I used to get 'I forgot' response too. Never took responsibility for anything other than his job which was Tbf very stressful. Me and the kids would come second to his job.

Randomness, yes EOW off is an absolute luxury compared to the stress of how my family life used to be! 👍

What stands out for me is that he has the energy to go out drinking but not out with his family. He sounds lazy which would irritate the hell out of me

I think I kind off agree with Hadron to a degree, it sounds like he works hard for his family and wants to chill out at the weekends, I have to say I don't work full time but I enjoy chilling out at home at the weekends as a family.
In regards to the laziness at home there is no excuse for leaving the plug in the bath and being messy. That needs to be reined in.
If you like to be constantly busy at the weekends then take the kids out and be busy, but don't forget children like chill out time too!

I totally agree with you cambionome by the way, it isn't how it should be but sadly I think it is how it is for many and what I was trying to say in a crack handed way I guess is a lot of women in particular place huge emphasis on it and a lot of men just do not. I'm not sure what the solution actually is and I do think there are many men who like the idea of a family in their head but the reality of it is different to what they thought and whereas the same is true for women it tends to be women left to do the donkey work , there are always the exceptions of course . In Ops case it sounds like she is way keener on family doing things than he is so there are several choices, she thinks boll**s , I'm doing it anyway, she lowers her expectations of him or she decides to go it alone, I don't think he will change.

Ok, I agree with you, crap!

Op, when he says "women try to change men" just point out that everyone has to change and compromise when children come along.

This would boil my piss as well!!

Buster- so if there's no excuse how do I change it? I speak to him all the time and get told I am nagging. I leave it but then it's just left by him anyway. He says he ll make more effort but then doesn't.
He's stripping wallpaper now which I was hoping would only take the morning. So more rows today as not had our family day out.

I don't know Op, my husband will happily leave his tea cup on the coffee table from the night before etc but I've learnt to just do it myself as I weigh up the pros and cons and actually he does a lot of other stuff that out weighs the niggling shit. He's currently building our son's wooden playhouse and he's forever doing stuff in the garden so I figure I do the house stuff.
My husband finds work knackering too so when he's tired I'll take out son out for the day, it's a tough one Op.

I think I've just found a way for it to work for US!

The thing is, while he's being a lazy shit over some things (like not clearing up after himself) I can totally understand not wanting to go out. I'm a female breadwinner to a SAHD.

His ideal weekend is us going out somewhere together as a family. But I need some time in the house just chilling or resting. My argument is I work all bloody week to pay for a house I never see (slight exaggeration but that's how it can feel)

We have an uneasy compromise of going out for 2 half days of one full day. But it's still more than I'd like sometimes after a hard week at work.

@lucas161212

You are rewarding him. You are empowering him. You are allowing him. You are moaning/arguing about/with him but then accepting him and making him b fast in bed and filling out his passport form.

There's a common denominator here. It's you.

Don't moan about him when YOU are doing all the above.

The thing is, @workname, what do you think your husband is doing in the meantime? Twiddling his thumbs? Who do you think is facilitating your being able to go out and work?

Buster- I get that and would do the same if dh did more. The only jobs he does is washing up after I ve cooked and putting the bins out. He does mow the lawn every so often. In your situation I would be more inclined to do it but I feel I don't get anything back.

I thought we had reached a compromise to keep us both happy. One day in, one out but he even argues about that when the day comes. He can't seem to compromise and just says he only agreed to it to keep me quiet and I pushed him into it.

He never suggests we go out and do anything. He never arranges anything. I d love him to wake up and be like let's go here today. I booked a weekend at legoland. His first reaction was to complain about having to get up early. I don't want to live with a moaner the rest of my life.

Op the most important thing is that neither of you are happy. Regardless of what any of us say YOU are not happy and it sounds like your husband isn't happy.
Like I've said I'm pretty much happy so it works for me.
If you or your husband cannot compromise then maybe you are not compatible after all.
It's such a tough one and I do sympathize with you!

Mary- ok I will try and stop. I feel like we d never go out or do anything if I didn't though so it's my way of getting what I want so we can go out quicker. He can't multi task and takes forever to do anything.