Fed up of small daily battles

[SelfObsessionHoney]

So I don't know what to do about my relationship.
Long story short DP and I haven't been together all that long, and I got pregnant very quickly, after about 8 weeks, DS is now 9 weeks old. Yes, I know, not exactly brilliant, but contraception fails. DP and I live together in my house. We both work full time, I am on mat leave.
So my issues are -
Early on in the pregnancy we had issues with DP watching a lot of porn and paying for cam sites, this has stopped or he has gotten better at deleting his internet history. The porn upset me for a few reasons, I think porn is degrading to women, paying money to degrade women whilst trying to save for the unborn child.

DP is very, very stubborn. His automatic response to a suggestion or request from me is 'no'. For example - he was holding DS and my DP sneezed into his hand, I asked him to go and wash his hands (DS was 2 weeks old) he refused and told me I was overreacting, DS then got a cold. But he refuses to see the link between the two. It sounds so silly, but he even admits that when I suggest something he know that he says no to me all the time. He puts things off, he's an 'I'll do it later' person, but then doesn't, I'll ask again and I am accused of nagging. Things are done only as or when he chooses. It's really wearing. He will only acknowledge my point of view when I've got upset or angry, he just pooh-poohs my opinions

He absolutely dotes on DS. But he just wants the fun stuff, he wakes him up before he goes to work so he can see him awake,despite me explaining that DS won't settle etc if he does. He wakes him anyway, then I'm left with an unhappy baby who's woken early. He'll change his bum but leave the dirty nappy on the floor cos he can't be arsed to put it in the bin.

He is shit with money, he has about 10k of debt. Which he isn't paying off. He's just ignoring it. The debts have been passed to debt management companies and the interest frozen. But he won't even start making payments, says he can't afford to, yet he can afford £70 a month on sky tv. He is very spend happy, wants all the new shiny tech. I went through his history on the laptop today and saw he's tried to extend his overdraft and he applied for credit with an online clothing company. Both of which were declined. But he's not told me about these.

It just feels like life is full of really small little battles and he's making it harder than it needs to be, and would it be easier to just go it alone. I've been diagnosed with PND and am taking fluoxetine which is starting to kick in now and part of me wonders if the fact I'm feeling better in myself is why I'm not happy to put up with his selfish lazy ways much more.

I know that if it wasn't for DS then I wouldn't put up with it. I want DS to have the best life possible but I don't know if that means sacrificing my happiness and staying with his dad or for us to split and then not have his parents together.

Fuck, that was a lot longer than intended, sorry.

I don't think you really need to ask. Just read back through your post!

Leave him. DS won't know any different at his age but if you stick with this man child for the sake of your son, he'll grow up in an awful tense environment and will be aware of the unhappiness. Better to be separate and happy than together and miserable.

Your partner can be fun dad then (if funds allow) but his debt won't be your problem.

In terms of always shooting you down etc, it sounds emotionally abusive as though he's trying to keep you in your place.

Please leave him x

Thank you.

I don't think he's being abusive per se, I think he's just a bit of an arse. And as you say, a man child. He's had relationships in the past but this one has undoubtedly gone at break neck speed and as much as I think I've stepped up to the plate I don't think he's there yet. It's sometimes as if he's still single in his head. He can't be arsed to put his shoes away, he dumps them in the kitchen, I do all the laundry but I don't put his clothes away, so so just dumps them on the bedroom floor. It's just little small things which mount up and make me resent him.

Far more trouble than he's worth.

My sister's husband is a lazy, financially reckless bully. She has been dragged into bankruptcy and all sorts due to his selfish behaviour. She stayed with him for the sake of their son. Her son is now a 32 year old lazy financially reckless bully. She gets to bail them both out now and works her backside off to do it. Beware! Sometimes staying isn't the best thing as bad habits just get passed on to the next generation despite your best efforts.

How are you giving him the best life possible by staying with a feckless useless man who doesn't respect you enough to stop paying for web cam girls whilst you're pregnant?

Do you want your son to grow up treating women the same way? Because you stay with this pig and that's what will happen.

Honestly, get some strength and self respect and dump him.

Mumsnet is really starting to depress me.

Alright moany I get the point. I'm pathetic.

Please bear in mind that I have a small child, PND and am clearly unhappy. The decision I'm trying to make isn't easy for me and will cause huge upset and upheaval if I choose to leave him.

Another saying to ditch. He's always got the option of changing and being the man you deserve, but at the moment you've enough on your plate with a baby. If he adds nothing to your life then get rid. He needs to prove he's good enough for you and your son. Just because he's the father does not mean you need to put up with him.

I didn't call you pathetic and I don't think it but I don't understand how you can describe what you have, and your situation has got so bad you're posting here and you can't see separating isn't the best thing.

You are clearly unhappy and your partner doesn't show any consideration for you.

Upheaval, yes, in the short term. But since he doesn't help you in any way judging from your description I fail to see how you won't be happier and have an easier time without him.

Christ Mumsnet depresses me too but because of assholes who offer disdain and disgust instead of the support/ understanding/advice the OP is actually asking for.

Ignore moany OP such decisions are complicated and hard.

I'm not disdainful - and of course she's free to ignore me.

And I'm not disgusted either - but I will always be utterly confused by people who say they are staying in shirty relationships which are borderline abusive for the sake of their children.

I know it's not easy, but having grown up with a mother in a relationship like this until she dropped dead depressed and unhappy leaving her family with nothing but mess to sort out, it's remiss to pretend it will all be ok just because it's 'hard' to leave.

Sorry Moany apologies I am taking my own temper out on MN and wish there was an edit or at least retract option.

It is good for OP to have a variety of opinions of course and I do understand it is hard to see women suffer the situations as posted here.

OP I do hope you have some rl support and someone you can chat to about your partner and expectations.if possible simply try and focus on caring for yourself and son and ignore your dps needs and wants. Easier said than done but you shouldn't feel obligated to him if he has no consideration for you at all.

Thank you Main. Tone is hard to convey and I can see that my post could read as disdainful but that isn't the intention.

Sorry, I'm just a bit extra sensitive at the minute. Obviously. I'm on MN in the middle of the night complaining about my life. Sorry for being tetchy.
I know that DP isn't pulling his weight and is being a cock. But he also has the capacity to not do these things, he's demonstrated it before, he just doesn't maintain it. And I just think what if I give him another chance and he does change it all around? I know it's probably wishful thinking.

If abusive men were abusive all the time, women wouldn't stay. They behave like that to condition you, confuse you and break you down. Do you want to live constantly on alert to lapses in his commitment to your family?

Ultimately it's your call but if I were you if not be staying in this relationship another day.

You had a baby with him after 2 months - you don't know him at all - he is an unknown quantity.

If you can't leave yet I would only suggest you start using reliable contraception because another baby is the last thing you need.

You need to separate. At the moment he is simply not being either a good father or a good partner. Letting him stay let's him think this behaviour is acceptable to you even if you tell him it's not as actions speak louder than words. If you tell him to leave and actually make him do it he can do one of two things, he can either step up become a good father and show you by sorting out his debts and other issues that he could be a decent partner and you can think about living together again in the future or he simply won't bother to sort out his problems or step up and if that happens you will know that you have made the right decision to separate. He won't change unless you make him face the consequences of his actions.

Do you think your partner would be willing to go to couple's therapy? It might help.

I have an appointment to have the coil fitted so that's all in hand. At the minute we're not having sex. There's very little intimacy, but I'm not sure if that's because of the upheaval of the new baby or because I don't like DP very much at the minute. Or a mixture of the both which is more likely.
I've asked him about counselling and it was a flat out no.

your son can have the best life possible with you two living separate lives.
infidelity with money and porn use....man child behavior, not putting nappies in the bin.
your list of cons is too long to salvage the relationship or even build on it.
sorry op. I suggest he moves out till he sorts out his life/debts.

I could have written this. Sorry op, it's shit isn't it.

You need to LTB. I agree with Moany

You are not pathetic but you are being treated terribly! He sounds awful and you and DS deserve far better than this. I'm sorry you're going through it OP. There will be a better life away from this manchild, he sounds like a teenager ffs.

The debt and lack of effort in paying it back is not a small daily battle is it? It's a major issue. Fortunately you are not married to him so it's not your responsibility but it will affect your lives if he is broke but still spending.

Does he know how you feel and that you are considering leaving? I think it might be worth laying your cards on the table and seeing if he steps up but I wouldn't bank on it.

Sorry is this a supportive forum for women or not??! Some of the above responses are waaay harsh moany your user name is fitting. Really! The OP has PND. Ever had it?? She doesn't need lectures on her contraceptive failures. She feels pretty crap already fgs!!

OP I've had PND. And I remember even the decision about what to have for breakfast (let alone making breakfast) was hard, let alone contemplating leaving a relationship with a small child in tow. Sometimes even a shit relationship provides seemingly enough small compensations that can leave one immobilised and stuck. Don't blame yourself, for having found it too difficult to deal with. All your energy wants to be concentrated on your baby.

I think the relationship and sudden unexpected pregnancy with its ensuing emotional changes etc has happened incredibly quickly and it's a hell of a lot to adjust to. I don't blame you for one second for finding this situation challenging to deal with, and I don't doubt that in different circumstances you would have found it easier to deal with this situation.

It is tough. I'm sure your DP has some redeeming features, however you are at vastly different stages of maturity and growth. If you stay together, you'll likely end up playing his mother for years to come, but even though he'll be the reason for this, he'll resent you for it. And in turn you'll become increasingly resentful yourself. You'll argue, and your DS will pick up on it as he becomes a toddler.

No one wants to be a single parent, but staying together like this is not a great idea. Maybe joint couples counselling might work some change, but as he's refusing I would take that as confirmation that nothing will change since he's not willing to put the work in.

Personally I think you should think about breaking up, but only do this when you're ready as red says above, maybe kicking him out will make him step up.

Now the meds are kicking in, you can start thinking about it and making tentative plans. It would also be good to have some support in place. Perhaps build up a regular social circle with other mothers, join toddler groups. etc. Perhaps the routine of returning to work will make things much easier, and perhaps you should wait till then to make firm decisions.

Also stop trying to manage him. I know its hard, but stop being concerned about what he does. Its just more mental load for you.
It's not your responsibility to try and sort his life out, whether its his finances or anything else.

Be kind to yourself and do what feels right for you. Having a newborn takes time to adjust to.

Really, if you think he's an arse at this early stage, at what would be the honeymoon period for most couples, there doesn't appear to be a future for you together. He sounds completely intolerable.