Fed up of small daily battles

[SelfObsessionHoney]

So I don't know what to do about my relationship.
Long story short DP and I haven't been together all that long, and I got pregnant very quickly, after about 8 weeks, DS is now 9 weeks old. Yes, I know, not exactly brilliant, but contraception fails. DP and I live together in my house. We both work full time, I am on mat leave.
So my issues are -
Early on in the pregnancy we had issues with DP watching a lot of porn and paying for cam sites, this has stopped or he has gotten better at deleting his internet history. The porn upset me for a few reasons, I think porn is degrading to women, paying money to degrade women whilst trying to save for the unborn child.

DP is very, very stubborn. His automatic response to a suggestion or request from me is 'no'. For example - he was holding DS and my DP sneezed into his hand, I asked him to go and wash his hands (DS was 2 weeks old) he refused and told me I was overreacting, DS then got a cold. But he refuses to see the link between the two. It sounds so silly, but he even admits that when I suggest something he know that he says no to me all the time. He puts things off, he's an 'I'll do it later' person, but then doesn't, I'll ask again and I am accused of nagging. Things are done only as or when he chooses. It's really wearing. He will only acknowledge my point of view when I've got upset or angry, he just pooh-poohs my opinions

He absolutely dotes on DS. But he just wants the fun stuff, he wakes him up before he goes to work so he can see him awake,despite me explaining that DS won't settle etc if he does. He wakes him anyway, then I'm left with an unhappy baby who's woken early. He'll change his bum but leave the dirty nappy on the floor cos he can't be arsed to put it in the bin.

He is shit with money, he has about 10k of debt. Which he isn't paying off. He's just ignoring it. The debts have been passed to debt management companies and the interest frozen. But he won't even start making payments, says he can't afford to, yet he can afford £70 a month on sky tv. He is very spend happy, wants all the new shiny tech. I went through his history on the laptop today and saw he's tried to extend his overdraft and he applied for credit with an online clothing company. Both of which were declined. But he's not told me about these.

It just feels like life is full of really small little battles and he's making it harder than it needs to be, and would it be easier to just go it alone. I've been diagnosed with PND and am taking fluoxetine which is starting to kick in now and part of me wonders if the fact I'm feeling better in myself is why I'm not happy to put up with his selfish lazy ways much more.

I know that if it wasn't for DS then I wouldn't put up with it. I want DS to have the best life possible but I don't know if that means sacrificing my happiness and staying with his dad or for us to split and then not have his parents together.

He's not a keeper.

I've only read the op however it reminded me so my of my exh. He also drank. He then became abusive.

This man does not respect you. Even if it never progresses further you can't live like this for the rest of your lives.

Ps I left as soon as I took that antidepressant, was the best thing I ever did.

Honey,

What do you get out of this relationship now?. Apart from your son being born there is nothing good about this whole relationship whatsoever. This man you are with is actively dragging you down with him.

Your son will not say "thanks mum" to you for staying with this man if you choose to in the long run. He will call you weak instead and wonder why you put this individual before him. Its a terrible burden also to place on a child, the fact that their parents only stayed together because of him/her. Its not a lesson you want to be teaching your son. His dad being an arse does not give him carte blanche to treat you with such contempt. Such behaviour like he shows you and abusive behaviours are all very much related. He is only with you now because you still put up with this from him. He does not want to leave (he has creature comforts and Sky TV for a start) and won't go quietly because he will then have to find another woman to clear up after him; this is all hard work to him. I would also think his behaviours have also played a part in your PND as well.

He can be asked by you to leave the home if it is solely yours.

His own father likely treated his mother in the self same manner and she ran around clearing up after His Lordships as well. Such attitudes are therefore deeply ingrained.

And your son is someone who this man does not really care about either. He waking your son up just so he can say he has seen him awake (note afterwards you alone deal with the aftermath) is deplorable selfish behaviour.

The man has more red flags about him that a Communist party meeting. Presumably he was charm personified, you were perhaps lonely or in a bad place emotionally and he could not do enough for you initially; that is how he hooked you in. Now you are seeing the real him because Mr Charm was an act. Someone whose default setting is also "no" is never in a million years going to attend couples counselling. He being selfish to a fault and entitled likely thinks too that all his problems can be attributed to others, anyone other than him. His life will come crashing down around his ears soon enough. I sincerely hope your son and you are not there with him when it does, he must not be allowed to pull the two of you down with him.

Men like this as well take time, lots of it, to recover from and that process for you will only properly begin when you are apart. The Freedom Programme by Womens Aid would also be helpful to you going forward as this will help improve your own boundaries in relationships.

You are not pathetic. You and 'DP' are virtual strangers who's only common denominator is your DS. You are now discovering exactly who he is, chances are that if you hadn't have become pregnant the relationship may not have continued. Do what's best for you and your child.

So I don't know what to do about my relationship.

Really?

You may well find that your PND eases without him in your life.

Ditch him now. DS' future will be better for it.

I think I need to keep on my meds and get a bit stronger before I can do anything about asking him to leave. Which I know deep down is the right thing. But combination of the PND and him being lovely and kind etc every now and again make it hard for me to trust my judgement.
The money thing scares me, I'm on maternity allowance and have the child benefit, but it wouldn't be enough to cover my outgoings.

You know this is wrong and not the life you would want for your son either. You get nothing of value from this relationship with him, all he gives you personally is misery. It may well be that your PND will lift quicker if he was not around day to day either.

He being lovely and kind (and really when is he ever either particularly now?) is an abusers tactic designed to keep you with him. Its all part of the nice/nasty cycle which is a continuous one. If these people were nasty all the time no-one would want to be with them.

I would have someone with you when he is told to bag up his stuff and vacate your property. Do not do that on your own.

He is also financially responsible for his child going forward.

I would guess that if you hadn't accidentally got pregnant, this relationship would have ended naturally. You didn't make a decision to form a long term relationship with this man because you loved him, you did it because you were pregnant.

Yes, there's upheaval in ending it of corse, but what is here to fight for? A relationship that probably would only have been short term in another situation? You have a son, yes, but no shared history of love, romance, friendship etc. It would be hard but I think you need to chalk this one up as something you tried but where you need to cut your losses early.

Hope you start to feel better soon and can make changes.

You don't hav to make him leave immediately. Bide your time and watch him. Talk to about sharing responsibility for household chores. You don't have to make any sudden changes especially when you have PND. Keep yourself worth and remember no one should be treated like this.

I agree with pp - you don't have to rush into anything but start to have a look at finances. He will have to pay maintenance - you may not be as hard up as you think

It's not a healthy relationship and you seem very unhappy

Ltb when you can

Self I could've written similar to your OP a couple of years ago but was terrified of being left on my own with a baby and no support.

My ds is now 2 and I'm still with his dad who has really stepped up and grown up. However I still know he's not the man for me, I'm not unhappy but I can't see me being in this relationship for the rest of my days. So, I've been saving money and getting a circle of friends who are supportive and getting my family onside and I'm hoping that within the 6 months I'll be able to call it a day and not be bloody terrified of being on my own.

I suppose what I'm trying to say is that I think you know your DP is never going to be what you want so start getting a plan in place with your own timescale to move him on.

Congratulations on your ds

I do think people on mumsnet are very quick to say LTB
But I really do think that's the best option here

I think that looking into finances is probably a good idea. I love a pretty modest life and don't have any debts, apart from the mortgage.
I'm due back at work in February 2018, I plan on returning part time, 33 hours, which allows me to pay all the bills, have a little left over for spends and saving. I might do it then. If I did things before I went back to work then I'd have to go onto benefits and I've not done that before and I don't know how it works or how long it would take for payments to come through. I would worry about bouncing direct debits.

Not doing anything until February will simply give him more opportunity to abuse you and in turn your child who will pick up on all the negativity and bad vibes.

Check this website out as well re benefits:-

www.entitledto.co.uk/ Its often been mentioned on here as a good resource.

Do talk to Womens Aid also; they can and will also help you.

You would most likely be entitled to tax credits being a single parent, even if you are working you would still be entitled to this which would help with childcare costs too. You would also receive child maintenance from him, there are online calculators you can do to see how much you would be entitled to and there's one for maintenance so you could see how much he would have to pay you. Don't let finances be a reason to stay in a shitty relationship as you would mentally be so much happier and content not having to deal with his bullshit and selfishness.

I think the reality is you obviously (to no fault of your own) moved very fast before you knew what he was really like, now your in a serious situation with a baby and his true colours are showing. Don't let him drag you down into his debt.

Thank you. I'm sorry, I must come across as a complete fanny. I think I'm just worn down by it all. He does have redeeming qualities, I honestly think that deep down he's not a bad person as such, just childish. Not particularly emotionally intelligent.

We went to a local beauty spot today with his sister and her kids and we had a really nice time, then went to see my sister and mum as it's my sisters birthday and he just sat watching the cricket on his phone. I'm expected to behave a certain way for his family but he can't do the same in return when we spend time with mine. The family who are paying for us to go away with them next year. Which would be our only holiday. Twat.

I've run the numbers through the website but it's a bit confusing, I'm going to call them this week when he's at work and speak to a person.

I'm sorry for being weak, I just feel so numb and detached from life.

You're not being weak. Ending any relationship is difficult, and if you share a home and a child with someone, then of course it's harder.

At least you're not married to him.

leave him and don't expect he will see his ds. he is irresponsible.

You're not a 'fanny' (sidenote: I always liked the name Fanny for a girl. Am miffed so many use it as word to express annoyances or overt procrastination). You are a new mum and have a lot to deal with. I sense in your posts the self-deprecation that often goes along with PND. Please ignore the more 'robust' tone of some of the comments here. It's MN and the intention is good even if the words are a bit tough.

It's entirely up to you to decide what you want to do. You're a new, first time mum. Probably not getting much sleep or respite. Give yourself a break. Try to avoid panicing and over thinking about the future and just take small steps till you feel in control again.

I find you have to sort of let your new identity as an individual with the ultimate responsibility for another human being, merge with your old identity and settle into a new composite one, don't know if that makes sense but it takes adjustment, and during that time, literally everything can seem difficult and you can feel really unsure of yourself because it's all a new world.

So stop apologising. You should just be enjoying this time with your fabulous, wonderful ds. I think you sound incredibly grounded, efficient and organised. Give yourself credit. You deserve it. flowers]

Thanks.
I'm usually a fairly no nonsense and practical person so the PND has side swiped me quite a bit if I'm honest. On the plus side the meds are working and I've got excellent support from my GP.
I'm just not used to not having strength of conviction as much as I did, I second guess everything, feel unsure of things. I don't know if I'm thinking things are so bad with DP because of the PND.
I know that I'd have the backing of family if we split up. My mum isn't overly keep on DP, but is very diplomatic.
I need to see if I can pay the bills etc whilst on mat leave without him before I make any decisions.

Don't second guess yourself, everything you have said we have all agreed with here, he's the one with the problem not you and the way your reacting to it is completely right.

Wait until he's at work and then ring tax credits like you've said, explain your situation and they can help you with what you would be entitled to, hopefully this will help you make a decision.

It sounds like you need to spend physical and emotional energy every single day keeping the relationship going. Don't you think it would actually be easier if you didn't have to do this, not harder? I'm sure benefits seem very complicated to think through but think about the enormous number of people who have applied for them- you can definitely work out how to and what you are entitled to :) I mean that in a reassuring way - it helped me years ago when applying for my drivers license to think about all of the idiots who had successfully passed this test.