Fed up of small daily battles

[SelfObsessionHoney]

So I don't know what to do about my relationship.
Long story short DP and I haven't been together all that long, and I got pregnant very quickly, after about 8 weeks, DS is now 9 weeks old. Yes, I know, not exactly brilliant, but contraception fails. DP and I live together in my house. We both work full time, I am on mat leave.
So my issues are -
Early on in the pregnancy we had issues with DP watching a lot of porn and paying for cam sites, this has stopped or he has gotten better at deleting his internet history. The porn upset me for a few reasons, I think porn is degrading to women, paying money to degrade women whilst trying to save for the unborn child.

DP is very, very stubborn. His automatic response to a suggestion or request from me is 'no'. For example - he was holding DS and my DP sneezed into his hand, I asked him to go and wash his hands (DS was 2 weeks old) he refused and told me I was overreacting, DS then got a cold. But he refuses to see the link between the two. It sounds so silly, but he even admits that when I suggest something he know that he says no to me all the time. He puts things off, he's an 'I'll do it later' person, but then doesn't, I'll ask again and I am accused of nagging. Things are done only as or when he chooses. It's really wearing. He will only acknowledge my point of view when I've got upset or angry, he just pooh-poohs my opinions

He absolutely dotes on DS. But he just wants the fun stuff, he wakes him up before he goes to work so he can see him awake,despite me explaining that DS won't settle etc if he does. He wakes him anyway, then I'm left with an unhappy baby who's woken early. He'll change his bum but leave the dirty nappy on the floor cos he can't be arsed to put it in the bin.

He is shit with money, he has about 10k of debt. Which he isn't paying off. He's just ignoring it. The debts have been passed to debt management companies and the interest frozen. But he won't even start making payments, says he can't afford to, yet he can afford £70 a month on sky tv. He is very spend happy, wants all the new shiny tech. I went through his history on the laptop today and saw he's tried to extend his overdraft and he applied for credit with an online clothing company. Both of which were declined. But he's not told me about these.

It just feels like life is full of really small little battles and he's making it harder than it needs to be, and would it be easier to just go it alone. I've been diagnosed with PND and am taking fluoxetine which is starting to kick in now and part of me wonders if the fact I'm feeling better in myself is why I'm not happy to put up with his selfish lazy ways much more.

I know that if it wasn't for DS then I wouldn't put up with it. I want DS to have the best life possible but I don't know if that means sacrificing my happiness and staying with his dad or for us to split and then not have his parents together.

You should get maintenance from him as well although I wouldn't rely on it what with him being so shit with money.

I would leave for the attitude to debt alone. Security is very important to me. My DP has some debt but he manages it actively and it should be gone by the end of the year.

You're not being weak, this is not how you envisaged your life with this man. PND wipes you, it's an exhausting thing.

Can you ask him to go but don't sever ties? He just lives elsewhere. Get a lodger? Re-mortgage? I think you must ensure finances are separate so you don't get bogged down in the mire of his debts.

Have a heart to heart with your Mum.

Financially would she be able to help you out whilst things get sorted?

The sooner you kick him out the better tbh but yes you need to feel strong enough to do it.

Dh and I had an unplanned early pregnancy and it was so difficult! We really didn't know each other that well and despite having a lovely pregnancy, the first 2 years were really hard. I think that's fairly normal to struggle in this situation. Fortunately, we were so busy with so many things that we just ended up pulling together and now are very close as we have seen each other through just about everything.

I could not handle the debt thing though - in your shoes I couldn't marry him or join finances. Maybe it would be better to cut your losses and move on if he's not dealing with it and is actively trying to facilitate more credit.

You made a mistake with your contraception a year ago. If you hadn't got pregnant you would have been through normal dating, realised he is not a keeper and dumped him. That mistake shouldn't be a life sentence for you and your child.

Frankly, it would be a miracle if you two had turned out to have a lovely happy long term fully compatible relationship. You've not failed here.

Cut your losses and give DS a happy home instead.

Get your finances as separate as possible. Don't let his bad credit affect yours. Make sure he's paying for as much as possible, given that he can afford Sky, while you get your single life organised.

Find out how much the child maintenance would be too.

I totally and completely understand how your feeling. I could of wrote your post myself i honestly am on your page.
100% you can do it alone. IMO he is not helping you in any way to warrant him staying around for your benefit? And your DS will not miss him considering how he acts, infact he wil probably be better off. Just keep your DS as most important thing (of course you are just as important and your happiness or else your DS wont be happy because your not!) hope your meds kick in soon and you feel even more empowered. Totally agree with oldlaundbooth. He isnt worth it you can do it.
Sending you love !
M x

Thank you for all the good advice.
Today has been a better day. Popped into work with DS and it was lovely speaking to other adults.

I'm going to speak with my mum, she was a single parent with me and I've turned out ok. She wouldn't be in a position to help with money (she's retired) but will be doing some free childcare for when I go back to work, which is awesome. My mum and me are close and she knows I'm not happy and I know she'd have my back and be there 100%, she's brilliant.

Finances wise we have a joint account and both have our own accounts. From my maternity allowance and child benefit (comes into my account) I pay the mortgage, home insurance, the car (he doesn't drive) and petrol and things like baby groups, coffees with friends, my clothes, birthdays etc.
He pays for our food, baby formula, water, gas and electric, council tax, sky and my mobile phone. I've done a benefits calculator and I could cover everything on my own.

His basic wage is rubbish, but makes a lot extra on commission which some months is less and some months more. I'm a nurse so my wage is good and my job is safe, I also have fairly family friendly hours, no nights or weekends so wouldn't have to rely on him for that.

Thanks for the moral support. It's really helping.

You sound like you are getting your head on straight. Good luck!

You go girl 👍🍀❤️

Information is key to making you feel more in control. The more you know about your options the better you will feel. He is an immature arse and is unlikely to change but dealing with a new baby and suffering from pnd is too much for most people to cope with even without the added hassle he adds to your life. As pp's have said you may find that a root cause of your pnd was dealing with him on top of a newborn and you may feel much better once you've got rid of him but only you know how much you can cope with atm so don't feel bad about it being able to do everything right away.

I've probably not painted him in the best of lights with me feeling so negatively about him. He does have positives. He works hard, nights, to get extra money in. But then spaffs it up the wall, so not as good. I honestly don't know where a lot of his money goes.

Someone said upthread that I've I hadn't have gotten pregnant then we probably would have fizzled out and parted ways. That's probably very true in all likeliness.

when you split up make sure you contact the credit reference agencies and sever your financial links. As you have a joint bank account his and your credit files are linked . You cannot sever until you close the account and split up. This link will affec your ability to remortgage with some lenders.

Also be careful he doesn't up the joint overdraft - often one person can do this.

Look after yourself and your little one. Get maintenance applied for through cms - he won't be forthcoming with cash. I can hear the cry 'you're only after my money' already!'

Glad the tablets are working. You are likely to feel even better when he has gone.

Ready to get some negative feedback here, but worth another POV, I reckon.

If DP a lot younger than you? Either physical or mental age?

What he is doing is utterly, utterly unreasonable and not something you should have to live with, especially as you have a tiny baby - but unless he knows the level of your unhappiness, how does he know he has to change anything? Little chats don't tend to stick, and as much as their not something I think you should do often, an ultimatum with a dead line might be more effective? He absolutely should be aware of how you are feeling, but too often men just don't pick up on these things (even though they should.

It all boils down to whether you actually like the man seperate to the baby. Someone else said you might not be with him if it wasn't for your son, but equally would you have had more time to shape each other and find a way that works if the relationship hadn't been speeded up so much?

Can someone look after bubs for the day whilst you go somewhere neutral and talk it through possible? Waiting 6 months seems like unneeded torture if actually the relationship isn't worth saving, but is also 6 months he can use making it right if he knows he needs to.

It's not an easy path - I made my choice on a similar one (but won't share what it was as I don't want to colour your decision) - but you get to choose where it leads. Good luck.

We've had what I would class as big heart to hearts about things. Usually when he doesn't listen to me I get so wound up that I lose my cool and get a bit shouty. Once I've calmed down and he's realised that I actually have an opinion he will listen to me.
But he will improve for a few days and then go back to being himself.

He's older than me, by a couple of years, but is revealing himself as rather immature.

I was on his laptop today, it has a password but he told me what it was. After I found all the porn I said I wanted to be able to get on it. Nothing incriminating in his history so he has either stopped the porn, is deleting the history of it, or is viewing it on a different device. Likely scenarios two and three.

Anyway I found a Facebook message to a bloke he works with in HR querying his demotion at work. The demotion I know fuck all about, which happened sometime in May/June of this year. It's like he's lying to me, the secrecy and hiding of information. Why doesn't he see that a fucking demotion is something you should talk to your partner about. Instead of sticking his head in the bloody sand about it. He was sending me links to fucking holiday cottages today. It's a joke.

I don't know what to do with the demotion information, he doesn't know that I know about it.

Talk to him about it - it's the only way.

Sounds like you are the only adult in the relationship, op.

I left a useless, lying & abusive DP when DD1 was 2 months old. It was terrifying, just went to my mums in the middle of the night. DD1 is now nearly 7, I am about to marry a decent, kind & nice honest man - who yes argues with me - but not often - and we work through stuff as a team, I have a good career that I started when DD1 was 1yo, own my own house & have another DD. What I'm saying is you can just up and leave, or make him up and leave, I think he lives at yours? PM me if you want OP.

It's the lying that gets me, lying and lying by omission. Makes you so unhappy constantly finding stuff out like that, life's too short. OP.

I know I need to talk to him about it. But right now I just can't be bothered. Cos I know full well that even getting to the point where he admits it will take a couple of days of him denying things.

I feel like the only adult. I've done a benefits calculator online and I would just about break even, not including any money he would give me for maintenance. I'm debating going back to work early even though it would kill me to lose this time with DS while he's so small.

There is hope then cat glad things worked out for you :)

Hes dropped about £1.50 an hour from his wage, which is about £3k a year.